Waiting...I hate it

I am trying to patiently wait for the books I ordered to arrive.  No, I am to cheap for next day so I have to wait it out.  I hate waiting for stuff like this, especially for books...makes me feel like I ordered it off the Pony Express!

But I guess it will build the anticipation. Besides, I have a butt-load of books to occupy myself with.  I bought them all on hardcover because there is nothing I HATE more than paperback.  Ugh.  The feel of that flimsy cover, and how it bends and breaks by the end of the book.  How the corners get all worn and the cover image fades and cracks.  I HATE THAT.

Gimme a nice hardcover. With its perfect binding and smooth surface.  That cracking sound it makes when you open it just right.  And the smell.  Oh, the wonderful smell of the paper and the glue.  There is nothing I like more than looking at a shelf filled with hardcover books.  All different colors and sizes.  Hmmmm....makes me happy :)

Anyway, I decided to start with the book by H.G. Wells, "The Invisible Man".  I don't know why.  It just sounds interesting.  I told myself that I would not have any rhyme or reason or order when going about reading from my list of 1001 books to read.  I would just pick one and start.  So while I wait...for what seems like eternity....for the book to get here I'll just chill out and blog or read other things.

New Years Eve is tomorrow.  Is it weird that I don't feel like this year is ready to be over?  I've never felt that way before.  And yet I am looking forward to the newness of a new year.  Hmmm...I wonder what 2010 has in store for me?

Lots of books hopefully :)

1001 Books to read....Before I die

Ok so here it is....

The thing that is going to set me apart...

LOL

Ok not really...

How many people have done this very same thing?  Taken a list of books that others have deemed a "classic" or the "best" and read through them with vigor.  How many people have taken this same idea and then written about it?  I believe we call them critics.

Well I am NOT a literary critic.  I am NOT an editor, reporter, or any other "or". I am just someone looking for a project.  A thing to do.  Something to accomplish that over dinner one night I can say, "Hey, you know I've been reading..." and have something interesting to talk about.  So I'm gonna do it.  I just went online and found an amazing list titled "1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die".

Simple.

No time limits, no pressure.  Just a list.  So I'm Going to take this list and pick from it, out of order, in no particular sequence, and read.  Read to my little hearts desire.  I just finished ordering them.  It felt kinda good.

What this project of mine is doing or will do for me, I don't know.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe I'll better my grammar.  Maybe I'll learn a thing or two.  Who knows.  But I like the idea of a project.  Something to do that I can do well.

Then, when I finish reading the book I will give my own personal....what do you call it....review?  Sure I'm a big fat nobody.  Who the hell is gonna care if I think the book is good or not?  It doesn't matter.  I will read it and give my opinion on it and then...well...then...that's that.  I will tuck the book away and add it to my collection.

So there...

That's what I'll do...

Let's see what happens :)

Movie is over...

So I watched the rest of the movie...

Quite inspirational...

And yet...

LOL...

Yep, still ordinary...

Me...that is :)

Ordinarily I am Ordinary

Actually I was forced to stop...

I was watching a movie tonight. It was actually quite pleasant. Sitting here alone in my cozy little place. Its surprisingly cold outside today and I am really getting into this "winter" weather. I bought myself something delicious to eat...though truthfully I should not have spent the money...put on my fluffy pink sweats and sat down to watch this movie and eat.

It was going rather well. Its funny how the silliest of things can warm the heart over. I think I am just beginning to get into the concept of liking the me I meet when I'm alone. She's really not that bad. I have found that now that I have all this extra quiet I can do things like read. I love to read. And really there are books out there that I should be reading and for the first time in my life I actually feel like I may just have the frame of mind to read them...interesting.

Anyways, there I was warm and cozy and watching this movie when POOF! My laptop decides that its going shut down on me....and it was really getting good too! Suddenly I had this realization. It was like this moment that jumped out and landed on my face. In this movie, the main character has a realization that she is hopelessly average and has done nothing with her life that she would deem as merited or note worthy. So she goes on this quest to master a particular field and catalog her experiences. During the course of time she discovers herself and the true meaning of blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada...

So as I sat waiting for this infernal machine to reload I realized that I am having the same crisis! I am that woman at the brink of....NOTHING. My life revolves around so much sameness that if I were to change it in the tiniest measure I may not know who the hell I am! This thought scares me to death. Is this it?

Is this all that there is? Ok, so at the risk of sounding uber philosophical and melodramatic I am realizing that something has to change here. So I decided that I would blog it out and try to figure out what I could possibly do to be less....ordinary.

That's it. I am ordinary. I mean I don't think of myself as less or anything, and yes, I do have some qualities about myself that others may think are above average. I am confident enough to say that without worry of sounding narcissistic. But I am truly average. Just filled with the mundane. When I started this blog I did so because I thought it would be cool just to write all this crap I have in my head down.

But really...I am an audience of one here. No actually according to my little "following" thing, its me and someone else. This person probably read my blog once and has never again. I guess its ok. And yes every now and then someone else...like a family member...reads it and makes a little comment to me. But I realize that this little blog is the only impression I have on the world. If I were to die tomorrow (cue the drama inspired music here lol) the only thing anyone might ever find of me is this blog.

What would it say about me? And is it enough? I don't know. I've never been a dare-devil. I've never challenged myself to anything "exciting" and mastered it. I've always just been ordinary.

So that's it. My mind spilled what it thought. This story....this story about a girl idea...well...there is not much to fill this story.

Who would want to know about someone ordinary when we all feel ordinary...whats so extraordinary about the ordinary?

Movement

In the existence of life there is movement. Movement can be created in moments of pure stillness. The movement of breath in one's body. The movement of the eye as it focuses on the face of the familiar. Blood moving through the veins, willingly, involuntarily.

I am constantly moving. My body is in constant motion. Today, as in the recent present, movement brings on an aching in my body. I crave the pedestrian movements that come from the day to day while I writhe in the agony of it. Nimble fingers gone. Fluidity of walking now replaced by short staccato fragments of movement.

How I took it for granted.

The sheer enjoyment of moving through the day without thought. Now every small detail. Every little lift, turn, gesture and blink comes with a consequence. With a price of pain.

I long for the days when movement was free. Movement was pouring out from within my center that staggered even my mind. I remember the days long gone of creativity. When my body would release from its depths a movement filled with meaning and direction. The turning and the leaping the balancing and the twirling. Those days when my body's simplest of gestures were profound speeches set to music.

Debussy...

The music that tells much of what has happend. Clair de Lune. The slowness and musical water that it starts as. Slowly moving its musical notes through my mind. Moving ever so gently, without a thought. That's how it was...so long ago.

Then climbing...energy...effort....extremities imitating the pulsating sway of the musical change. The effort my body now takes to move. Every moment made thoughtfully and carefully. Gone are the days of springing up, jumping down, and turning over with ease and carelessness. Replaced by willing and purposed movement. "Have too" movements. "Want to" gone for good.

But there is hope again. Hope as the music then slows back to its crawl. To its slow and beautiful change. Weaving in and out, up and down, filling my heart and mind with a memory of what was.

Perhaps my body will never move or dance the way it used to. Perhaps I will never see the lights of the stage in my eyes again and hear the applause or feel the emotion of the movements. I am fully willing to accept this fate.

All I ask for now....is a moment...a movement...

Without pain...without thought.

Blissful, serene, steady, graceful. Oh, the joy of pure movement.

Return to me dear friend.

And dance with me again.

Not much to say, that's all

Its been a few weeks since I sat down to write anything at all. I tend to do that. But there really hasn't been much for me to say. Just another endless tunnel of twists and turns. I'm getting so used to it doesn't really phase me as much anymore.

Someone said to me today, "You haven't written anything lately". I was like, oh yeah. But its not because I haven't wanted to. Maybe its just that so many things have gone good, gone bad, gone up and gone down that I just don't want to rehash it all. Like if putting it down cements that it all happened.

I guess I've been trying to convince myself its all been a dream that I will wake up from and things will be like they are supposed to be. Or at least how I want them to be.

Here is what I am being taught:

Shrinkage...and how to adjust to it.

Shrinkage could be good you know. Like when a person loses weight or their debts shrink. But my life seems to be shrinking. Things I would have never thought I could live without...suddenly...not so important. Shrinkage is a pain. It hurts. Its uncomfortable. Especially when you come from a place where you felt there was room and space and air. Now I just feel...shrunk.

So I am learning to live in the shrink-wrap state of my life. There is not much room in here so that's why there wasn't much to tell.

I'm shrinking.

Or better yet.

Its all shrinking around me.

It's all new

Ok I have seriously slacked.
But life as I know it has changed...
for the scarier...
for the more exciting...
for the unknown...
and yes, even for the better.

I sit and type this blog from my very own, very small, new apartment.

I must say that there was a time when I never thought this would happen. Its been a short time since I have been here and I still feel like its not really mine. I felt like that when I bought my car lol. Like at any moment someone would show up and say, "Sorry we made a mistake you must return it." I kinda feel like that. But different. Here it feels like I don't really LIVE here yet. Its like I am just staying here for now.

Have you ever felt like that? Like you don't really reside where you live you just stay there? Maybe after some time passes and more furniture arrives and a new coat of paint covers the hideously white walls I will feel more a sense of ownership? Maybe then I will have this moment of clarity and of understanding and say to myself, "Welcome home".

Maybe.

Right now I am just here. Trying to build a little life for myself. Far away from everyone I know. All alone. And yeah its scary sometimes. I often wonder, what if I get bored? Or, what if there is a bug? LOL. Yeah, living on my own will be interesting. But its WAY over due.

So here is to my little home. My little piece of me. My little step into my future. Its new. Its strange. Its scary.

But its mine :)

Make you Feel My Love

Its been a while but I haven't disappeared. I've just taken a moment. A breath. Now I'm back with some new insights and a clear vision. I'm in big trouble and I know it. But when am I NOT? Heard this song today. Sometimes it takes me a minute to catch up to the world. But I am a fan of her and a fan of the message. Cause the message leaped right out of my heart and into her song...sing for me :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

Its all beginning...

Starting over, starting again for that matter is never easy. I am sitting here in a place most people would hate but I actually enjoy...the laundromat. I find the humming of the machines, the scent of detergent and how no one really bothers you really nice. Plus you can wash all your clothes in multiple machine all at once! Yes you do spend a small fortune...I know I have.

Here I am washing the clothes that I will be wearing from now on. I've had these clothes for a while. But now with everything changing its almost as if I will be wearing them for the first time. I new this day would come. I knew that one day this little bird would have to flap her wings and take flight...but damn...I didn't expect the swift kick in the ass to get me to flap!

I realize that its all ok. This may just be what I am going to do from now on. Sit here, alone, listing to the sound of these giant washing machines and dryers and blogging. I must admit that I am scared. My plans haven't exactly gone the way I wanted them to. And I find myself asking God, "why". But that would be pointless cause he never answers in the speed I want him too nor does the answer ever come the way I want....its just his way lol.

I have tried not to be bitter about it...not to be upset. Its hard. As I pack away the things that I can take for now I can't help but look through the things I don't want to leave behind. There are so many memories there. Too many. But its time for me to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I've been wanting to get out for so long and now that its here I just want to hold on for a few more minutes...but I can't....and I won't.

So here is to the next chapter....no....the new book....Chapter 1.

In and Out

You ever notice how sometimes people come in and out of your life in the most random moments.

Like there is this person I know....

No matter how many years pass, he always seems to appear in one form or another. Checking up on me, saying hello.

What's funny is that jsut about the time that he does this its cause I've been wondering about him.

Funny, huh.

Maybe he's like a ghost, that only appears to say something important. IDK.

But its good to hear from him when he appears. And I wish him well :)

I've said it before...

And it seems I may have to say it again...

What is the matter with people?

Honestly...what happened in someones life that was so utterly traumatizing that it prohibited them from becoming a mature individual? IDK. I was taught to be a considerate person. Maybe that's just me though. I am begining to wonder.

Simple things like curtesy and manners...or dare I say, CLASS!!!! What ever happened to those? In a blog once before I pasted the lyrics to the song "Class" from the musical Chicago. Its words are so true. Every now and then it seems that I have to deal with this reality again.

I do know now...with every assurance....that my blogs are read by not just "annonymous" bloggers out there. Perhaps this individual needs validation for their behavior and reading my words makes you them important. So be it. How little you know me and how small of them to believe its about them...I pity you. :)

Believe what you will, feel what you like....its a waste of my effort to even believe that in you remains the one shred of decency I thought was left.

Next time...be ye not so immature and say THANK YOU. Its the least you could do...

Coward.

On a happy note (insert lol's here)...

The rain is coming....the breeze is nice outside. The Arizona Mucho Mango I am drinking is delicious. The music I am listening to is putting me in a great mood. The one I thought would never change, has....for the better. The phone has only rang with positive things on the opposite side. All in all...not a bad day

I was thinking...

I was thinking that today was going to be a great day...

It worked out pretty well and I can't complain...

Even though it was raining outside the day did bring forth a couple of great new insights. Nothing earth shattering but insightful none the less. Like I realize I have a bigger problem with addiction than I once thought.

My addiction?

The steak burrito from Chipotle.

It is oh so delicious. So what's wrong with giving into my addiction every now and then? Today I felt that way and so I gave into the weakness. What for most people would be a simple concept; hungry so eat, for me is a bit more complicated: hungry but Crohn's, so eat...carefully

But I released my shakles for the moment and let go of fear and gave into the tantilizing taste.

I rather enjoy living on the edge.

Is it possible that any post could be more random? LOL I don't think so :)

I decided that I needed some inspiration. And what better way to get some then to gaze upon images that move me and inspire me? I've been adding to my collection of images things that in some way or another remind me of elemental aspects of who I am. Images that can translate who I am without so many words as I am used to saying. Perhaps these images can prove more powerful than the shouts I have been expressing? I don't know, maybe they will only mean much to me...but isn't that what this is all about anyways?

Who I've been taught to be...but am I really this person? Sometimes I wonder. Poise, education, church, obedience. These are words I know. This girl is me. Upright, standing proud and sure. But am I really? Maybe in some ways I am...

The rebel. With AND without a cause. This is me. The little girl forced into adulthood. By life, by family, by circumstance. Its never really been by choice. So there is this side, the side that just wants to be free. The side that longs not to care about what anyone thinks. I like her. In some ways she is more me than any other side. But she is just a piece.

Sometimes I feel like its just me against the world. Pushing, working, struggling. I surprise myself sometimes...with how strong I am. Don't underestimate me! When everything gets stacked up against me, I will push back. Until my arms get tired, until my legs give way, until my heart stops beating, and until I just can't fight back anymore.

You can never escape the truth though. The polar opposite of me. The one side that is so strong and then this side...small. How can someone so bold and loud be so quiet and small?

You think if I screamed loud enough someone would hear? You think if I mad enough noise all those on the "outside" would come running to see what all the commotion was about? Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one working while everyone else is out to lunch.

But don't discount me yet. I am growing. Working to move. If ever there was a moment when I felt like my mind was expanding, breathing as it were, its now. Somehow all these feelings are making my feet strong. Strong enough to leap and stand. Pretty soon....I'll be unstoppable!

I may not exactly fly like a butterfly or sting like a bee...but all the things I've been working for will one day pay off. My hands will grow strong. My reach will be farther than before. I can feel it, the change. You think that I would be worried about it...but I'm not, not in the least. All these things that make me who I am, the small of me, the large of me, the prudish of me, the rebel in me....its all me.

Once I had this dream that I was floating...endlessly. It was weird cause I never wanted to wake up. I had no idea where I was floating to or IF I was even floating towards anything. It just felt so great to drift. Drift along and let the current take me. I wish I could be that relaxed, just let the movement of the water of my life move me in a direction without my resisting it. Sun in my eyes, blinding me from looking to closely at my course, just being given to the wind. If only...

If only my mind wouldn't get in the way. Like twisting branches on trees that have grown to close, so are thoughts that dominate my psyche. What to do? Where to go? How to dress? Whom to love? How to forgive? When to move on? Round and round, up and down...I think all the time and it gets annoying. This is why I write...I HAVE to find a place to put this stuff. What's interesting is that through the twisted maze and branches there is true beauty. The beauty of thought and of passion. The fact that my mind can work in such intricate movements amazes me. How long will my mind last? Will it be forever? Will I soon forget things that have mattered so much? What will time be like to me? Will it show on my face? Will I wear it like a badge? Will the wear and tear of my life be visible in the physical?

Oh to go back to my time of youth. To go back to Barbie dolls, playing outside, laughing till your stomach hurts about farts, eating whatever you want without looking at your belly, coloring books and crayons, the ice-cream man, Nintendo, dancing in my PJ's, pretending I'm a princess locked in a tower waiting for the prince to rescue me...Just being a kid. No bills, no payments, no credit cards, no creditors, no loans, no fine-print, no schedule, no job, no responsibility. Just sitting around and enjoying life. Being a kid is a fine art that we grow out of to soon before we truly master it. Even now I resist the urge to keep growing up. I still watch cartoons. I still try to have the childlike laughter with friends. But I know its just a game, not real. The glory of youth yes its true...its wasted on the young.

But nothing lasts forever. Not my youth, not even the things I've tried to tell myself they will. There is one thing I refuse to give up hope on. Love. All its sappiness, all its commercialism, all its wonder. Its what movies are made from and what fills my dreams at night. One day I'll find it. Maybe I've already found it but I'm not seeing it with the right eyes. Love is not that simple I have found out. It does not just land in your lap. Some love takes waiting. Those who have told me that love shouldn't be hard, well, I don't think they've ever been in love before. Don't we say that anything worth having is worth fighting for? If love is so easy how do you trust it? Aren't the most beautiful things made tested by fire? I still believe...one day after all the struggle, love will not only come to me but return to me. Returning all the love I have given, and then some.

That reckless kind of love...you know the kind that fills books. Does it exist? Definitely not in the way movies talk about it. I think its much more simple than what most people believe. I think its about walking. Finding someone to walk next to you in your life. A person who really means something to you and you to them. A person who chooses to walk next to you when the weather is hot and sunny, or cold and snowing or even cloudy and raining. Someone to lift you over the puddles. But not just in that romantic flowers kind of way. Just someone who you can walk next to and not be completely annoyed by them. Someone who makes you feel like, "Oh, I can walk here for a while." I think I found that. Yeah, I like walking next to you. Even if I don't know where the hell you or I are going. Or where we'll end up. Or how long it will take us to get anywhere. You just make the puddles seem...smaller.

I could just see it. Me and my walking partner. Living together happily in the most perfect little house. These are the thoughts dreams are made of. But what would that house look like? If it looked anything like the trials we've already been on perhaps it wouldn't be as beautiful to others as it would be to me. Sometimes scars are lovely, if they tell a story. Yours does. So do mine. Yours can be seen while mine are hidden. Would God really give me the things I want? That little house. What if it was like a pop up book? On the outside not much, until you open it up and everything pops out! So would my life be...its been that way so far. On the surface it looks like nothing much at all.....prosaic even. But on the inside I am bursting. Will my little future with you be like that? Will my future have any pop? Oh happy little house...not much to look at but a treasure to me...

Till then, till that day I'm gonna enjoy this ride. I used to wonder what would happen if I ever got the nerve to go bungee jumping. I hate that falling feeling. I don't even do the roller coaster thing. But if I ever built up the nerve could I actually let myself fall over. Its like the floating idea...I seem to have issues letting go. Its so true...I hold on to things for way to long...even things that left on their own I can't seem to let go. I wonder why that is? Falling in love, falling for someone, falling into place, falling, falling, falling...so much is about surrender and letting go. just breath...and fall. I can do that...I think.

This is who I am, young, old, small, strong, afraid, daring, in love, and skeptical. Its a back and forth thing. Like an up and down thing. But its me. So very me. Make sense? I didn't think so...

It's never to late to turn around and start over...

I don't know what I am doing.

All I know is that sometimes going back is not such a bad thing.

That is if going back means getting back to a place you know will help you fix and resolve things that have had you messed up for a long time.

I am grateful for today.

I am grateful for the words that have brought me to this place.

They have made me realize that what I have been trying to do all along is never gonna happen unless I plug into the right power outlet.

So I'm going back.

Forgiveness? No problem.

If I seek it in the right way.

If I go to the source of all forgiveness.



Maybe this time I'll stay on the right path?

Maybe this time I'll see things in the right way?



I mean you can only crash and burn so many times before you have to go back to your instruction manual to find out what went wrong and how to prevent it.



So back I go.



Turning around and starting from "Go".



Hey in games don't you collect money for starting back at 1?

Well, thats my plan...to start back again.

Leave it to you to be the one who put me back in that place, lol.

I prayed and saught God so much back then.

Here I am again...you pushed me into His arms.

Thats a good push lol

So for those who will think that I am making a mistake...

WE'LL SEE

Maybe my "mistake" took me back...

But BACK is where I need to be :)

Burn brightly

The sun shines in the morning and covers over the darkness of the night
It illuminates the shadows presenting warm and wondrous light
Its being and presence so big and filled with heat
Magnify all directions and shed light through darkened streets
When it wakes its ask not permission to shine its light so bright
It does so with reckless abandon pushing back all traces of night
It cares not what weather tries to impose nor if we can see it past the clouds
It shines brightly, fully, willingly there whilst even covered by heavens shroud
The beams stream through my window piercing shadows and their mist
Its rays are sharp as a pointed sword yet fall on my face like loves sweet kiss
Where do you go when I look up and cannot see you there?
You hide from me yet I feel your presence sifting through the air
The light of love the light of truth the light for all to see
Your power, grace and strength declare your majesty
God hung you in the sky it seems for people just like me
Who cling and grasp and search for truth in a world filled with travesty
Shine brightly and lighten my path be used for your intent
Lest you burn out and not fulfill your purpose leaving all your glory spent
This truth I know, oh light of the sky, this one thing I know is true
My feet need light to walk their steps to make false steps few
Let God above use your light to lighten up this direction
Let him use you and move and point you clearly make no move of stubborn rejection
I need your light so I need it now to hasten up my pace
To open up the path I'm on and finally see his face

The hidden truth

My mind is filled with thoughts
Thoughts of you and
Thoughts of me
Thoughts of all the things
That we could be.

How fleeting are the moments
We let pass by.
How quickly we forget
all the tears we've cried.

In one single solitary moment
Wrapped in your embrace.
Lost forever somewhere
Between time and space.

Things remembered
Things forgotten
Things I swore to hold on to.
Melt away, slip away
All becomes unglued

Fading into the distance
Covered over by the warmth
All shadows disapear
Peaceful waters replace the storms

Should I just let go?
Should I just hold on?
Should I listen to the voices
that shout warnings from beyond?

Should I follow my heart?
Should I dance to this song?
Knowing once long past
All the steps were wrong.

Oh God, give me an answer
a sign, a message I pray.
Tell me what to do
and how to find a way.

I am filled with light
and covered in its glow
And yet I feel trapped by emotions
that I swore I'd let go

So strong are the winds of change and
the breeze of familiarity
So enticing is the fragrance of sameness
It blends dreams with reality

Awake my heart feels
and more alive then ever before
Yet scared and confused and
waiting, longing to hear more

From God, from friend,
from counsel or from you
But I know what they'd say
And I'd know just what I'd do

So I will let the words you spoke
sit deep within my heart
Quietly and never-moving
hidden in the dark

Away from prying eyes
and ears that stretch to hear
Away from my own worries and
Buried from my fears

I know one day clarity will sit with me
And show me all things right
I know one day this darkness
Will be overcome by the light

But how I wish my eyes did not see
How I wish I did not taste
The things my hands reached out to hold
Perhaps in to much haste

You will never know these things I feel
No, I will never let you in
Until the day when I can say
You are now more than just my friend

So secretly will I hide the truth
Oh, you will never ever know
That it is me who loves you and waits
for our love to finally grow

So simple are these words of mine
So infantile are the phrases
Yet so complex are the emotions within
Filled with layers and many phases.

I know what your heart longs to hide
I can hear the whispers it makes
I know that only I know your chameleon soul
And all the colors it takes

So lets keep what we feel hidden away
Yes, even from each other
I'll pretend I know nothing about what we know
We keep lying to one another

Until the day you finally see
And I finally give in
And lost into your embrace I'll be
My here on Earth piece of Heaven

Forgiveness

I am learning what the term "forgiveness" means. By definition it is, "the act of excusing a mistake or offense". Easier said than done I'm afraid. I have always thought of myself to have some measure of the capability of forgiving a person...to some degree I think we are all forgiving. As time has passed I have realized that I am easier to look beyond or pass over or forgive the offenses made by most people. Well, let me clarify, people who are not that close to me. I have a harder time forgiving those people with whom I held in a high standard.

Since I was young I have had numerous people tell me that my expectations are "impossible". That I place such high expectations on others and when they fall short, I am very disappointed. This I must admit is true. I DO place high expectations on others. Especially on those who profess out of their own mouths to be or feel a certain way. I EXPECT them to follow through with the very words they confess. I do this to myself as well. My expectations on myself are exponential! I hold to the premis that if I don't truly believe in something I won't say anything about it. Or if I don't really FEEL something I won't say I do! This helps me to avoid hurting or angering anyone. Ok, so I don't always measure up to my own rules, but I do try with everything I can to. But herein lies the dilemma. When this person, or person's, fail to meet that expected behavior it proves to be an almost impossible task for me not to call them out on it...and and even hard task to forgive them for their "failure".

I know that this all sounds so judgmental, I know that I myself "fall short" many times. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why its so hard for me to forgive someone who I expected to know or act better. I don't know why I put so much pressure on that person. I guess its because I don't want to feel cheated or lied to....I hate that. I guess I just expect that when a person says they are a certain way...well dammit...they should stick to it.

But recently, ever so recently I have allowed myself to flirt with the possibility of forgiving certain people for offenses that I swore I never would. Do you see where I am going with this? Here comes my brain which in circumstances like these poses a duality. One side of my brain says, "You idiot! How can you forgive!?! You are just setting yourself up for more pain and failure!" Interestingly, the other side of my brain, which in some way I feel is connected to my heart screams, "Everyone deserves a second chance!" The latter side also happens to be connected to the part of me that holds my beliefs and things that have been taught to me for years...about how God sees forgiveness and how he asks us to forgive.

So how do we make a judgment call? When do I say its ok to forgive this offense but not this one. What if that person is truly sorry? What if that person recognized their error? What if they wanted to make restitution in some way? Aren't I supposed to forgive? Please forgive me for being so cliche but....what WOULD Jesus do? I know, I know. We have worn out that statement till its gravity is barely reccognizable. But its ideal does not change. If God was in my shoes, how would he handle it? Would he turn his back and say, "Since you did not behave with me the way I expected or the way you SHOULD have, I cannot and will not forgive you!"

Hmmmmm.....doesn't sound much like the God I was taught about or read about. Yes I know we forgive but not forget. But is that not just a cop out to hold a grudge? I know what the lack of forgivness does. It becomes a cancer that eats your soul. It seems lately that its easier for me to forgive some offenses where as others, because the offenses seem to be continued, are hard to forgive. This whole concept of seventy times seven is a work in progress. But I am trying.

Forgiveness, however, is tricky. It may inadvertenly lead you down a slippery slope of acceptance. Acceptance of the behaviors and actions that made you upset in the first place. So now its about learning to forgive without accepting those things ever again. Yet another thing that is easier said than done. There is also the other aspect of people's perception of your new-found forgivness! What will other's think once they find out you forgave? Will they accept it? Will they get angry? What of those who carried and held your offence with you? Will they go up in arms because they feel your attitude of forviness is foolish? Do you care? Do you not? Ugh...

Its exhausting. All I know is that here I am...posed with the prospect and the opportunity to forgive. I feel myself leaning towards forgiveness but I also feel the trepedation in my heart. Its as if the forgiveness comes with a warning. Is this how God forgives? "I'll forgive her, but I'll keep a bit of the memory of what she did just so if she does it again, I can use it to fuel my attack against her". Yet another thing that sounds out of God's character.

So forgive....with your whole heart. That's what we are told to do. Unless that person has______. What? Unless that person has what? There are no conditions to forgiveness, its one of those all or nothing things. Either you forgive or you don't. I don't want to get trapped in the sea of unforgiveness. Those waves are un-surfable. But I also don't want to get trapped under the current of acceptance. And I want to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I want to learn to forgive and stick to it even if everyone around me calls me foolish, I know God wouldn't.

Maybe people hurt us sometimes because they are so hurt that's all they know. Hurt most often begets hurt. Maybe my act of selfless forgiving with break the cycle of pain. Even though you DON'T in ANY WAY EVER deserve my forgiveness, here it is. Hmmmm.....somehow that sounds right. It feels good to forgive.

So what to do now? Wait. Wait and see what will happen. And pray. Pray that God helps me stay strong against the lure of acceptance but open to forgivenss.

I can forgive you. I did. And it makes my heart glad. But I'm not perfect. I am not God. So my forgiveness is not completely selfless. I will hold on to a bit of the memory of the pain...just so I don't go slipping down and accepting all the things which made my pain great. But I am willing to forgive you.

Let's see what you do with it...

I read blog after blog, looking for inspiration, seeing what else is out there, trying to get a glimpse of someone else's mind and thoughts only to come to the weird realization that I feel almost inadequate in some way. Its like maybe the words I have chosen are not deep enough, compelling enough or inspirational enough. I found myself looking back on some of the things I've read and I can't help but wonder, "Am I the only one reading this?"

Probably

My original intent in writing this blog was clear, its not for anyone. I don't care if anyone reads it or sees it or ever comments on it at all. But sitting here alone in the darkness of my room, my TV flickering in the background and my fish tank making that bubbling noise I realize that there is this tiny fraction of myself that would like someone to read all this nonsense. I would like it if someone commented or shared or told me how silly I was being or how random my thoughts were or how I should just get over something that I keep mentioning.

Is that what we are all looking for? Someone to notice?

Sometimes I feel like no matter how loud I yell people don't really listen. Maybe its because I don't even know what I am yelling about. Maybe because all the words I speak are so buffudeled and full of jibberish I don't even get. I'd still like for someone to listen. Tonight on my drive home I realized that I am full of words with no sounding board. I want to say so much about so many things and have no one to say them to.

Its like being in a crowded room with no one to really talk to. Even when I'm around friends I wonder, are they even listening to me? Is anyone? I grew up believing that God always listens...I still believe that. But, oh, how I long for an answer, a comment, a message. Something that says, "yeah, I heard you."

Or even to feel like someone really SEES me. You know, SEES me? Like the me I really am. The me that wants to say so much and has so much to say about nothing much in particular. I wish someone could just really see me and decide, "Hell, I'll stick around". I'm tired of feeling inadequate and abandoned and not seen or heard. This road is getting lonely and I am tired of yelling for companionship.

As I write this I know that in a day or two it would have been my eyes, and mine alone that would have seen these words. That in the vastness of the internet my little blog got lost. That the likelyhood that someone would read all this and think, "well, here is someone who has something to say" is bleek. I get that I may never have loads of people who will follow my blog, or a list of comments to read through as I revel in how people perceive my words. But kill me if I still hope!

So I write on...

Maybe my blogs are not clever little snitbits of thoughts. Maybe my stuff doesn't have a cool picture added that I took with my cool camera in this ornate angle. Maybe my words aren't oozing with poetry or some profound thought. Maybe there is nothing political, life-changing, inspirational, earth shattering, profound, or awe-inspiring. Maybe, after all, they are just the words of a girl who is still trying to figure herself out. I am still trying to figure out stuff that to me...just doesn't make sense. So ok, let me ramble alittle about that stuff:

Things I don't get:

- I don't get why when it rains I hate the smell of when its coming but love the feel of when its here

- I don't get why one moment I can be soooo tired and almost falling over with sleep and as soon as I get into my bed all sleepiness escapes me

- I don't get why the nails on my right hand grow faster, stronger and longer than on my left

- I don't get why I see myself as an adult and a child all the time but when people see me as one or the other it infuriates me

- I don't get why I resent and love my family equally

- I don't get how someone can forget me so quickly and their cologne still lingers in my nose

- I don't get why the foods I love can kill me

- I don't get why no one gets me yet

- I don't get why my car engine light is on one minute and then off the next, should I be worried?

- I don't get why feel more relaxed at work than I do at home

- I don't get why everything for me seems to take SOOOOO long

- I don't get why it works for some and not for me

- I don't get why I keep secretly hoping you'll come back only to have the satisfaction of rejecting you when I know deep in my heart you standing there in front of me is what I have always wanted

- I don't get why I am such an extremist

- I don't get why things that feel, taste, and smell so good are most often really bad for you

- I don't get why my finances just never seem to find the break I need

- I don't get what the hell happened to the people I thought I knew

- I don't get why I hate the smell of vanilla yet love vanilla ice cream

- I don't get why I am in this spot again and again

- I don't get why I just can't seem to get this "adult" thing right

- I don't get what people see in the show Sienfeld, I just don't find that kind of humor funny...sorry

- I don't get why I hate where I am now and have not the ability to change it

- I don't get why I stopped believing in fairy tales even though I desperately would love to

- I don't get men

- I don't get my family

- I don't get love

- I don't get me...

Round and Round

...between health and wellness...lol...

Will I ever find the happiness of never worrying about being sick? God, that sounds so morbid.

For now I'll just busy myself with a whole lot of nothing...

And publix subs :)

Time to think

I've had time to think and wonder and go over this one thought in my head more times than I can count.

Even though I STILL can't make heads or tails of it I do know this...

Nothing can change all I experienced. Nothing can erase all the things shared...even for the brief moments I had them in my presence. Its like a dream you never want to wake up from. That's what it will always be for me.

And though now, with time etching and ticking away, I know I can never return to the what was, I am comforted in knowing I had it...even for the briefest moment.

Yes, I am coming to grips with the reality that its short life on this earth was just a fleeting moment, one I may never get to experience again. And I know I have to be ok with that. I have to force myself to understand that it is what it is, and it was what it was and for whatever reason (though I STILL have no clue nor a full and complete understanding as to why) it will never return.

Damn.

But it was a great ride.

And I won't forget that. I guess I should start learning to appreciate moments for what they are, moments. However short...however long...however meaningful they were. Even if at the end of the day they were more meaningful to me...I should be grateful I got the chance to smile that much...to love that hard...to embrace someone so dear.

And yes, loss hurts...it sucks actually. But maybe there is something to that statement, "Its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all". I had that moment in my hand for such a short time...and even now, with questions still fresh in my mind and conclusions I have made on my own it will never erase that it was good.

There was never a moment, never, not once, when in that time for me it was not sheer bliss. Amazing. How many people can say that? Most people wait their entire lives to have something like that happen, and I did. I had a piece of what heaven and true bliss were like. It was brief, and now its gone, but no one can take from me that I had it.

And at the end of the day...only I know the truth. I know what was real. I know that ever word I spoke was real and honest and transparent. Maybe I didn't do everything perfectly or in the right way or in the right time but I never will regret what felt so wonderful. And it was.

Maybe, just maybe I will get the answers. Maybe one day I will know what REALLY happened. But I have to push myself to move to accepting that even if that never happens (and by what it looks like - it won't) I have to console myself with the belief that it was not my fault. I did nothing wrong.

I gave, I shared, I cared, I was unselfish, I was there, I was considerate...I was in love...

Even if it was just...for a moment.

You REALLY wanna know?

You want to know what gets under my skin and crawls around beneath it only to fester and rot there? People...no, not "people" because that would be to broad...MEN...yes, MEN who are like a freaking mentally retarded confusing and unclear blankity-blank-blank-blanks!!!

I mean how in all the world am I supposed to find my way through the maze of some guys mind when I am having trouble getting trough my own???

Do me a favor men....stop finding me! Stop looking for me. Stop finding in me the "answer". Cause usually the answer is that I am not the one even after you told me I was and you have told me so many times that I was the one you are now too confused to function! Stop with the, "you're my best friend" crap....I am NOT your best friend...cause you would not even treat an enemy like that so don't give me that bull!

Stop with the, "I suddenly realize that you are the one for me". Sure! I look pretty good in the arms of another don't I??? That's all it is. Wanting what you can't have even though at one time you thought you had it. Why is it that as soon as something becomes "unavailable" it becomes amazingly attractive?

I am so tired of being honest and being real about who I am and then having some guy act shocked later about when I display the behavior I WAS CLEAR ABOUT FROM THE BEGINING??? Where you not listening? What or who did you think you were dealing with? I am TIRED of changing who I am to accomodate someones timeframe, life experience, trama, problem, situation, and bullshit...cause after I do...it blows up in my face.

Stop writing me letters telling me what I SHOULD have done or what I SHOULD have said or how much more I COULD have been! Stop telling me that I was so great and wonderful and so perfect and yet so wrong. Stop dumping all your problems and worries and frustrations and venting all your crap all over me and when you have exhausted every word you could possibly utter leave me drowning in the sea of your vomit! Where now do I go to vent? With whom do I share all my grief and saddness?

Stop trying to find yourself, your answers, your future, your happiness, your next whatever...IN ME!

I am TIRED of the games...the confusion...the lies...the broken promises. I am tired of having to explain myself and who I am again and again and again! I am tired of having to tell someone to have the most BASIC of human courtesies...decency and consideration. Where you taught NOTHING as children? Did not someone tell you that you should not play with the heart of another? I am SO OVER meeting the guy who needs me for a minute and not for and hour, a month, a year or a lifetime. I am tired of having to teach men as if they were boys. I am tired of having this kind of elementary conversation, "Now, if you are feeling this....you should say this...and if you are feeling that...you should say that." Whatever happened to JUST SAYING THE TRUTH!!!!! Why oh why does it have be dragged out of you? Why do I have to wait soooooo freaking long to have you say, "I lied". Dammit, I would have so much more respect for a person who just spoke the truth.

I am so over the "yo ma's" and "ay mami's" and all the other one liners. I am tired of men not being MAN ENOUGH to say what he means and MEAN WHAT HE SAYS. I swear I know of only ONE...ONE...ONE GUY who ever (at least at the inception) appeared to have the vocabulary and the heart worth being around...can it possibly be true that it is such a rarity amoung the male species to posses a character trait of being considerate???? Is it such an insurmountable task to be considerate of anothers feelings? To not toy with someone's heart? To not say words you don't really, really, REALLY mean???

Don't come back to me later with a long ass tired letter or a rambling of words of all the reasons why I ruined this "perfect" thing or why now all of the sudden you realized I was not your "soul mate". How in the name of all that is holy am I supposed to know when I am trying to figure out if YOU are MY "forever"!!!!!!!!

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE spare me the lies. Spare me the words that ooze melodrama and romance. The words that tickle the ears but scorch the heart. Spare me the great times, and the flowing drinks, and the inside jokes, and the morning kisses if its NOT REAL!!! Spare me the "I love you's" with question marks in your eyes, and the forevers and great hugs...they mean nothing if they weren't real.


IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT THEN...YOU WON'T MEAN IT NOW...and I am TIRED of PRAYING AND HOPING THAT YOU DO!!!!

I give up...I surrender...I don't get men...and they will never have me

ever again...

That part of my heart....is now closed...forever.

Pat yourself on the back...you closed the door.

Two Steps forward, Two Steps BACK....Still in the same place

Its like I'm walking in a circle really. Not really moving. Just standing still rocking side to side giving myself the ILLUSION of movement. It would be an interesting dance actually. One where all the dancers do this amazing choreography standing in on spot...never moving...yet moving all around.

I can see it in my head.

That is how I feel. I am out of the hospital now. Back in my room...on my laptop...writing. Just like I did so many months ago. Only this time, there is no one to help speed my recovery. No goal to meet other than to get well enough to get back to work. I remember last time I had the whole world at my fingertips and the outstretched hand of another waiting to walk through it with me. Now its all gone. And I am back to where I started.

Maybe God is trying to give me a "do-over"? Maybe I messed things up somehow the last time so now he is trying to give me the opportunity to make up for it? Could God be so merciful that he lets tragedy happen again so as to give us the opportunity to do things better this time around? Sounds insane that I would call this "mercy". But if it was a "do-over" then maybe He is being merciful to me. Maybe He is letting me try this new life again.

After all, looking back I did go back to some of my old habits. Habits that messed me up in the first place. Why did I go back? I don't know. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted a little bit of the old to fit into the new. Maybe I missed some of the old. There are certainly LOTS of "old" things that I never repeated (thank God). But I kept a few things around for the heck of it...yeah and it got me into trouble, yet again.

So maybe this new direction or this "do-over" is my opportunity to get things right. I just wish I had that hand to hold again. I miss that hand. I miss those strong fingers and happy eyes. I miss looking into them and I miss the laughter and thoughtfulness that emanated from them. For now, they are just a distant memory. But damn, how I miss them.

Now that I am back to where I started I need to make some choices. Will I fall into the temptation of dragging the things that SHOULD be left behind with me? The easy answer is "no". Will I still hold on to the hope that the person I still feel so much for will join me in this new/old/do-over version of my life? Am I allowed a new do-over if I mess up again? lol

Whatever the case may be and whatever this experiential d0-over brings I hope it will be better than the last time...

Even though the last time was...

Well dammit...It was great!

Back....Again

Here I am in the place I've been trying to avoid...the hospital.
I know I should do better about the things I KNOW I'm supposed to stay away from...but lately, I have been on this "I'm invincible" kick, its kinda stupid.

So here I am, when I should be out there amongst the living and working. Laying here is infuriating! All I have in the world to think about here are all the things I have been working so hard to forget! Its a vicious torture!

On top of the pain I feel I have to deal with memories. The fact that I am still dealing with certain issues sickens me. So I will try to get better in my mind and in my body. Life is to short to waste lying here in bed sik...or lying here questioning and wondering about my past.

Its time to move, or push, or thrust myself forward....

I am over this...or at least I have to be

Maybe if I wear bad clothes and makeup I'll score some points lol

I'm home today...sick.

Lying in bed all day has its advantages. You get to catch up on shows you rarely get to watch. You can eat anything you want (as long as the queasiness is not that horrible). And you can blog:)

During my channel flipping escapade I fell on this channel that I NEVER and I do mean NEVER watch. Ok well maybe NEVER is a bit of a stretch. I have seen it in bits and pockets of time in my life. The channel is the christian network, TBN. Ok now before I am completely berated for this act let me say that its not always laden with overly made up bleached wigged crazies begging for your money. In my life as a christian there have been moments, yes maybe few moments in my opinion, when the TBN channel has not been as bad as nails on a chalk board.

This was one of those moments. I was watching a documentary on how the TBN channel got started. And you know, it was kinda inspiring. I mean here were these two "regular" (and I use that term loosly, have you seen the way they dress?) people. People who had a vision. People who had a dream for something bigger than anything they ever saw. They may have had some limited means but nothing near what they needed to get this dream to move into a reality. Its crazy. How into this program I was. I watched amazed how they started with one little channel and one little program to a whole television network and now a global entity.

No one, no matter how hard they may try can deny the power TBN has. Its global vision of world domination is inspiring. The thing is, well what I came to realize is that the whole world domination idea might really have to do with getting people to hear and believe in Jesus. And that realization can see beyond the hair and terrible makeup and gold plated chairs and fake silk flowers. I think that at the heart of it...there is some real honest desire to have the name of Jesus be proclaimed to everyone.

Watching the documentary took me back to a time in my life when church dominated every aspect of my life. A time when I could quote the bible effortlessly and with such ease. A time when I would wonder, "what DO people do on Sunday other than go to church?" There was a time when my all my music was worship music or some new christian band. When weekends were filled with youth meetings and drama or dance practise for a new play for church. When Wednesday night meant prayer and Saturdays meant "the day before church". There is a part of me that misses that. A part of me that misses not knowing anything else accept what I learned in church or through some bible study. It was nice.

I have NOT left God, or given up my faith. I STILL pray and even read my bible (though not nearly as much as I should). But my life is SOOO different than what it was. I look at the leaders of TBN and I am amazed that though my life has taken somewhat of a turn there they are...still clad in the ridiculous outfits. Still wearing too much makeup. Still crying through fake eyelashes. And still talking about the love of Jesus.

I think thats pretty cool. I have to admire their tenaciousness. They never have given up. And now (my bible scholar friends will enjoy this) there is a medium for that scripture in Revelations that says (and of coarse I'm paraphrasing), "When all the world has heard the message, then the Lord will come".

So TBN keeps pushing on, now in its 36th year. They don't care how silly they look. They don't care how it may make people feel to see these overdressed rich white people jump up and down clapping, "Jesus, Jesus!" They keep doing it. I, on the other hand, have come to a place in my life where I am trying to find my way again.

I feel almost like an old piece of furniture. It once had its use but now its old, still to valuable and somewhat nice to throw out but of no use anymore. So that is where I find myself. I am trying to find a place in my life where I get the energy and excitement like Paul Crouche (the TBN guy) to keep pushing forward and keep chasing a bigger dream. But is it ok to admit that I am tired of chasing? Is it ok to say that maybe I am starting to doubt if my dreams will come true? Maybe I should accept the inevitable. But what IS the inevitable?

People like the TBN crew inspire me...bad clothes and silly overtly ridiculous stage sets and all. But they are unwavering. Day after day, city and country after country...preaching and sharing and yes even loving.

I wonder what will become of me? I wonder if my dreams for my life will ever come true? I wonder if God loves me enough to answer my prayer even though I have found out what other things people do on Sunday other than go to church. I wonder if God will remember all the times I raised my hands and prayed for hours and did drama presentations and went on missions trips and evangelized. Or is it all a wash because now I am not doing those things. I wonder if God forgets what I've done and is holding back "blessings" cause of what I am doing now.

Hmmmmm....I wonder what the folks at TBN would say? LOL....there is a part of my mind that still knows the answer to my own questions...

But I'd just like to say thank you to the folks at TBN...for sticking through for 36 years. 36 years of horrible appearance but genuine heart. Thats pretty admirable.

Inspiration

Reality TV

Ok so like what in the hell is the matter with TV now-a-days? What happened to real programs...not reality TV...I mean REAL programs. You remember the ones don't you? the ones with writers and actors and a plot and a story line.

Now it is filled with trashy uneducated people who drink way to much, sleep with anything with a pulse, and act like they were raised in a barn. So what the hell happened? I remember a time when I used to watch TV and actually enjoy it. LOL, I laugh at the thought of my mom yelling at me about how much I watch TV and how it would fry my brain. But here I am, all these years later and my brain isn't fried, I'm considerably more educated than many people I know and successful.

Yet somehow all the notoriety goes to the overly-bleached retarded (and I mean that in the most P.C. way I can lol) "women" and "men". Whatever happened to great TV? It kinda reminds me of this really ironic song from the play "Chicago"....


The whole world's gone low-brow. Things ain't what they used to be.
They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't.

It's all gone.

Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?

Class.
Whatever happened to, 'Please, may I?'
And 'Yes, thank you?'
And 'How charming?'
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class?

Class!
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!

Whatever happened to old values?

And fine morals?

And good breeding?

Now, no one even says 'oops' when they're
Passing their gas
Whatever happened to class?

Class

Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce

And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass

Nobody's got no class!

All you read about today is rape and theft
Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?

Nobody's got no class

Everybody you watch
'S got his brains in his crotch

Holy crap
Holy crap

What a shame
What a shame

What became of class?

I mean honestly! This song, in its pure and funny way says exactly how I feel most times. It not just reality TV though....it seems that this lack of class has infected everything! Men, women and children. Guys will lie STRAIGHT TO YOUR FACE without so much as a flinch! And I know women who will try with all they have to steal the man of their best friend! What the hell happened to us?

The pious will say, "Its the lack of religious morals!" The ridiculous will blame the school system. The uneducated will blame the government. You know who I blame!!!

McDonalds!

Why?

I don't know...I just figured I'd end this crazy rant with something ridiculous lol

So my final thought:

Reality bites, sucks and is not what you expect



But it can be nice to....sometimes lol (Ok so maybe not based on the pic above, but you get what I mean lol)

Nothing

Nothing much to write about...

Been a while...

Looking for something to say...

Words fail me...

But I do know this...

With each tick of the clock...

It gets easier....

And my memory fades

Dreams for Plans

Once upon a time you and I
When we were green and easy
Fresh as limes and happy as a Sunday sky
There was nothing we could sell or buy
'Cause all we really needed
Was our bare feet and a pair of wings to fly

What do you think, darling?
Have we lived too much, too fast?
And have you
Have you felt melancholy, darling
Wishing that time hadn't passed?

Can you tell me how it used to be?
Have we missed our chance?
Have we changed our hopes for fears
And our dreams for plans?

Can you tell me how it used to be
When we really cared?
And when love was on our side
On our side...

I remember all the times before
When we could spend our living
Staring at the ceiling, lying on the floor
My vocabulary wasn't broad
I spoke so little English
That the word "stress" would
Sound like something odd

What do you think, darling?
Have I lived too much, too fast?
And have you
Have you felt the melancholy, darling
Wishing that time hadn't passed?

Can you tell me how it used to be?
Have we missed our chance?
Have we changed our hopes for fears
And our dreams for plans?
Can you tell me how it used to be
When we really cared?
And when love was on our side
On our side...

What is your guess, darling?
Have I lived too much, too fast?
So if you
If you ever come and find me crying
Now you know
Now you know why

Can you tell me how I used to be?
Have I missed my chance?
Have I changed my hopes for fears
And my dreams for plans?
Can you tell me how it used to be
When we really cared?
And when love was on our side
On our side...