I am learning what the term "forgiveness" means. By definition it is, "the act of excusing a mistake or offense". Easier said than done I'm afraid. I have always thought of myself to have some measure of the capability of forgiving a person...to some degree I think we are all forgiving. As time has passed I have realized that I am easier to look beyond or pass over or forgive the offenses made by most people. Well, let me clarify, people who are not that close to me. I have a harder time forgiving those people with whom I held in a high standard.
Since I was young I have had numerous people tell me that my expectations are "impossible". That I place such high expectations on others and when they fall short, I am very disappointed. This I must admit is true. I DO place high expectations on others. Especially on those who profess out of their own mouths to be or feel a certain way. I EXPECT them to follow through with the very words they confess. I do this to myself as well. My expectations on myself are exponential! I hold to the premis that if I don't truly believe in something I won't say anything about it. Or if I don't really FEEL something I won't say I do! This helps me to avoid hurting or angering anyone. Ok, so I don't always measure up to my own rules, but I do try with everything I can to. But herein lies the dilemma. When this person, or person's, fail to meet that expected behavior it proves to be an almost impossible task for me not to call them out on it...and and even hard task to forgive them for their "failure".
I know that this all sounds so judgmental, I know that I myself "fall short" many times. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why its so hard for me to forgive someone who I expected to know or act better. I don't know why I put so much pressure on that person. I guess its because I don't want to feel cheated or lied to....I hate that. I guess I just expect that when a person says they are a certain way...well dammit...they should stick to it.
But recently, ever so recently I have allowed myself to flirt with the possibility of forgiving certain people for offenses that I swore I never would. Do you see where I am going with this? Here comes my brain which in circumstances like these poses a duality. One side of my brain says, "You idiot! How can you forgive!?! You are just setting yourself up for more pain and failure!" Interestingly, the other side of my brain, which in some way I feel is connected to my heart screams, "Everyone deserves a second chance!" The latter side also happens to be connected to the part of me that holds my beliefs and things that have been taught to me for years...about how God sees forgiveness and how he asks us to forgive.
So how do we make a judgment call? When do I say its ok to forgive this offense but not this one. What if that person is truly sorry? What if that person recognized their error? What if they wanted to make restitution in some way? Aren't I supposed to forgive? Please forgive me for being so cliche but....what WOULD Jesus do? I know, I know. We have worn out that statement till its gravity is barely reccognizable. But its ideal does not change. If God was in my shoes, how would he handle it? Would he turn his back and say, "Since you did not behave with me the way I expected or the way you SHOULD have, I cannot and will not forgive you!"
Hmmmmm.....doesn't sound much like the God I was taught about or read about. Yes I know we forgive but not forget. But is that not just a cop out to hold a grudge? I know what the lack of forgivness does. It becomes a cancer that eats your soul. It seems lately that its easier for me to forgive some offenses where as others, because the offenses seem to be continued, are hard to forgive. This whole concept of seventy times seven is a work in progress. But I am trying.
Forgiveness, however, is tricky. It may inadvertenly lead you down a slippery slope of acceptance. Acceptance of the behaviors and actions that made you upset in the first place. So now its about learning to forgive without accepting those things ever again. Yet another thing that is easier said than done. There is also the other aspect of people's perception of your new-found forgivness! What will other's think once they find out you forgave? Will they accept it? Will they get angry? What of those who carried and held your offence with you? Will they go up in arms because they feel your attitude of forviness is foolish? Do you care? Do you not? Ugh...
Its exhausting. All I know is that here I am...posed with the prospect and the opportunity to forgive. I feel myself leaning towards forgiveness but I also feel the trepedation in my heart. Its as if the forgiveness comes with a warning. Is this how God forgives? "I'll forgive her, but I'll keep a bit of the memory of what she did just so if she does it again, I can use it to fuel my attack against her". Yet another thing that sounds out of God's character.
So forgive....with your whole heart. That's what we are told to do. Unless that person has______. What? Unless that person has what? There are no conditions to forgiveness, its one of those all or nothing things. Either you forgive or you don't. I don't want to get trapped in the sea of unforgiveness. Those waves are un-surfable. But I also don't want to get trapped under the current of acceptance. And I want to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I want to learn to forgive and stick to it even if everyone around me calls me foolish, I know God wouldn't.
Maybe people hurt us sometimes because they are so hurt that's all they know. Hurt most often begets hurt. Maybe my act of selfless forgiving with break the cycle of pain. Even though you DON'T in ANY WAY EVER deserve my forgiveness, here it is. Hmmmm.....somehow that sounds right. It feels good to forgive.
So what to do now? Wait. Wait and see what will happen. And pray. Pray that God helps me stay strong against the lure of acceptance but open to forgivenss.
I can forgive you. I did. And it makes my heart glad. But I'm not perfect. I am not God. So my forgiveness is not completely selfless. I will hold on to a bit of the memory of the pain...just so I don't go slipping down and accepting all the things which made my pain great. But I am willing to forgive you.
Let's see what you do with it...
Since I was young I have had numerous people tell me that my expectations are "impossible". That I place such high expectations on others and when they fall short, I am very disappointed. This I must admit is true. I DO place high expectations on others. Especially on those who profess out of their own mouths to be or feel a certain way. I EXPECT them to follow through with the very words they confess. I do this to myself as well. My expectations on myself are exponential! I hold to the premis that if I don't truly believe in something I won't say anything about it. Or if I don't really FEEL something I won't say I do! This helps me to avoid hurting or angering anyone. Ok, so I don't always measure up to my own rules, but I do try with everything I can to. But herein lies the dilemma. When this person, or person's, fail to meet that expected behavior it proves to be an almost impossible task for me not to call them out on it...and and even hard task to forgive them for their "failure".
I know that this all sounds so judgmental, I know that I myself "fall short" many times. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why its so hard for me to forgive someone who I expected to know or act better. I don't know why I put so much pressure on that person. I guess its because I don't want to feel cheated or lied to....I hate that. I guess I just expect that when a person says they are a certain way...well dammit...they should stick to it.
But recently, ever so recently I have allowed myself to flirt with the possibility of forgiving certain people for offenses that I swore I never would. Do you see where I am going with this? Here comes my brain which in circumstances like these poses a duality. One side of my brain says, "You idiot! How can you forgive!?! You are just setting yourself up for more pain and failure!" Interestingly, the other side of my brain, which in some way I feel is connected to my heart screams, "Everyone deserves a second chance!" The latter side also happens to be connected to the part of me that holds my beliefs and things that have been taught to me for years...about how God sees forgiveness and how he asks us to forgive.
So how do we make a judgment call? When do I say its ok to forgive this offense but not this one. What if that person is truly sorry? What if that person recognized their error? What if they wanted to make restitution in some way? Aren't I supposed to forgive? Please forgive me for being so cliche but....what WOULD Jesus do? I know, I know. We have worn out that statement till its gravity is barely reccognizable. But its ideal does not change. If God was in my shoes, how would he handle it? Would he turn his back and say, "Since you did not behave with me the way I expected or the way you SHOULD have, I cannot and will not forgive you!"
Hmmmmm.....doesn't sound much like the God I was taught about or read about. Yes I know we forgive but not forget. But is that not just a cop out to hold a grudge? I know what the lack of forgivness does. It becomes a cancer that eats your soul. It seems lately that its easier for me to forgive some offenses where as others, because the offenses seem to be continued, are hard to forgive. This whole concept of seventy times seven is a work in progress. But I am trying.
Forgiveness, however, is tricky. It may inadvertenly lead you down a slippery slope of acceptance. Acceptance of the behaviors and actions that made you upset in the first place. So now its about learning to forgive without accepting those things ever again. Yet another thing that is easier said than done. There is also the other aspect of people's perception of your new-found forgivness! What will other's think once they find out you forgave? Will they accept it? Will they get angry? What of those who carried and held your offence with you? Will they go up in arms because they feel your attitude of forviness is foolish? Do you care? Do you not? Ugh...
Its exhausting. All I know is that here I am...posed with the prospect and the opportunity to forgive. I feel myself leaning towards forgiveness but I also feel the trepedation in my heart. Its as if the forgiveness comes with a warning. Is this how God forgives? "I'll forgive her, but I'll keep a bit of the memory of what she did just so if she does it again, I can use it to fuel my attack against her". Yet another thing that sounds out of God's character.
So forgive....with your whole heart. That's what we are told to do. Unless that person has______. What? Unless that person has what? There are no conditions to forgiveness, its one of those all or nothing things. Either you forgive or you don't. I don't want to get trapped in the sea of unforgiveness. Those waves are un-surfable. But I also don't want to get trapped under the current of acceptance. And I want to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I want to learn to forgive and stick to it even if everyone around me calls me foolish, I know God wouldn't.
Maybe people hurt us sometimes because they are so hurt that's all they know. Hurt most often begets hurt. Maybe my act of selfless forgiving with break the cycle of pain. Even though you DON'T in ANY WAY EVER deserve my forgiveness, here it is. Hmmmm.....somehow that sounds right. It feels good to forgive.
So what to do now? Wait. Wait and see what will happen. And pray. Pray that God helps me stay strong against the lure of acceptance but open to forgivenss.
I can forgive you. I did. And it makes my heart glad. But I'm not perfect. I am not God. So my forgiveness is not completely selfless. I will hold on to a bit of the memory of the pain...just so I don't go slipping down and accepting all the things which made my pain great. But I am willing to forgive you.
Let's see what you do with it...
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