Two Steps forward, Two Steps BACK....Still in the same place

Its like I'm walking in a circle really. Not really moving. Just standing still rocking side to side giving myself the ILLUSION of movement. It would be an interesting dance actually. One where all the dancers do this amazing choreography standing in on spot...never moving...yet moving all around.

I can see it in my head.

That is how I feel. I am out of the hospital now. Back in my room...on my laptop...writing. Just like I did so many months ago. Only this time, there is no one to help speed my recovery. No goal to meet other than to get well enough to get back to work. I remember last time I had the whole world at my fingertips and the outstretched hand of another waiting to walk through it with me. Now its all gone. And I am back to where I started.

Maybe God is trying to give me a "do-over"? Maybe I messed things up somehow the last time so now he is trying to give me the opportunity to make up for it? Could God be so merciful that he lets tragedy happen again so as to give us the opportunity to do things better this time around? Sounds insane that I would call this "mercy". But if it was a "do-over" then maybe He is being merciful to me. Maybe He is letting me try this new life again.

After all, looking back I did go back to some of my old habits. Habits that messed me up in the first place. Why did I go back? I don't know. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted a little bit of the old to fit into the new. Maybe I missed some of the old. There are certainly LOTS of "old" things that I never repeated (thank God). But I kept a few things around for the heck of it...yeah and it got me into trouble, yet again.

So maybe this new direction or this "do-over" is my opportunity to get things right. I just wish I had that hand to hold again. I miss that hand. I miss those strong fingers and happy eyes. I miss looking into them and I miss the laughter and thoughtfulness that emanated from them. For now, they are just a distant memory. But damn, how I miss them.

Now that I am back to where I started I need to make some choices. Will I fall into the temptation of dragging the things that SHOULD be left behind with me? The easy answer is "no". Will I still hold on to the hope that the person I still feel so much for will join me in this new/old/do-over version of my life? Am I allowed a new do-over if I mess up again? lol

Whatever the case may be and whatever this experiential d0-over brings I hope it will be better than the last time...

Even though the last time was...

Well dammit...It was great!