Its been a while and there is too much to say...

I must admit that I have been very careless in keeping up with my blog. 

And when that happens I end up writing this overly-long spouting of words that I find hard to read myself.

So how can I put in a few words all that has happened and is happening?

I was in the hospital.
Again
I was sick
Again
I was in horrible mind-numbing unexplainable pain
Again
And now I'm on all types of meds that have me feeling up and down and all around
Again

I looked back on a blog I wrote after one of my previous hospital stays and thought, "Damn, girl! You are always sick!"

So is this supposed to be my reality? Is this the life that has been chosen for me? Am I really supposed to accept that I just might possibly be one of "those" people who "lives" with an illness. Eww.  ILLNESS. The word provokes more nausea than what I am commonly experiencing these days.  The word by definition is:

A noun. Poor health resulting from disease of body or mind; sickness.

Appetising isn't it?  I guess I am supposed to be ok with it?  I mean lots of people have "illnesses" and do just fine! And my illness isn't contagious or life-threatening....well, it is really life-threatening but not in that "you've got cancer" kind of life-threatening way.  At least that is what I tell myself.

But I guess I am supposed to be ok with and just accept it and just do what I'm supposed to do to "stay healthy" and then somehow by some amazing stroke of luck my life will be "normal" and I will go on and everything will be good.  Isn't that right?

Well how come I don't feel like that?

Why do I feel like this is the worst thing ever and that this life I am being guaranteed sucks the biggest most unimaginable ass ever?  How come I can't live REALLY like the "normal" people out there.  I am totally channeling my inner 5 year old and having a great time throwing a tantrum about this and I have been repeating these same statements to friends and family members for a few weeks and have really received some interesting responses to it all.

I mean I get deep into my thoughts of "why me" and "this is not fair" and "why now" and "what does this mean for the rest of my life".  And watch as the people around me squirm in their chairs and spout out to me the phrases and scriptures and words of "encouragement" that I was and have been well versed and trained to do in the very same situation.  Growing up as a Christian believer...a true believer I KNOW all the right words.  But I just find it amazing when people can't just for a moment allow the thoughts of utter frustration and being upset that I am exuding just to let them come out without saying a word.

I have started to believe that somewhere along the lines of being a Christian someone tells you that when you hear a "brother" or "sister" talking "negatively" you should immediately interrupt them and throw out every scripture about positivity, healing, or encouragement, and you must name ever spirit and demon that could possibly be "destroying your mind and perverting your thoughts with this negativity."

Whatever happened to just listening?

Listening

Listening to the person speak.  Listening to their pain.  Listening to their hurt.  Listening to their questions and their fears.  Without offering one single word. Without insisting that you have an answer they must not know or they wouldn't be saying these things!  Whatever happened to just listening to someone pour their heart out?

I have poured my heart out to a few people about this "illness" and all that it brings and all that it has come to mean to me and all the fear that its presence evokes in my being that shakes me to my core.  I have shared how I feel cheated and somehow I feel like I got dealt someone else's hand because surely THIS cannot be MY reality!  I have teared up, welled-up and cried in front of some people who judged my tears as lack of faith or limiting God.

To date, there have been only two people that amazingly enough did not look at me with judgment.  And spoke not a harsh word or criticism.

One is a dear mentor in my life that without her I would not be who I am today.  Her words were like a salve on a burn.  Like honey on the lips of someone who had never tasted sweetness.  Her voice was like the aroma of fresh baked bread.  Her thoughts pierced through the thick wall of pain and uncertainty and isolation that I was and am experiencing and without one word of "you should" she taught me that in all things no matter what, there can be moments of honey and sweetness and gentle love and a identifying of two souls who have longed for something different but life just didn't go that way.  She taught me that I am not alone in my questions of "why" but that I can have goodness amidst a whirlwind of "why's".  Thank you Clara.  Right now, even though I am miles from where I was when you came and spoke to me and whispered those words in my ear I repeat them to myself and hope and pray that I can come to the place where I am ok with this.  And that I can accept that.



I am NOT THERE YET.

But if....IF.....this "illness" is to be my life-long companion I will hold Clara's sweet words in my heart that "Its not over for you Lisi". And that my life is meant for something greater and that even though all this is happening and I am living through this version of hell on earth I am not abandoned and I am not alone.  And HE did not forget me or turn his back on me or do this to hurt me.

So until I get to the point where I am ok with my "illness" GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ABOUT IT.

The second individual who spoke to me and pierced my hard and hurt heart came in the form a young flip-flop wearing cool new gadget I-phone looking too young to be a pastor, pastor. I must admit this one was a shock.  Cause really, when you think about it...if anyone is going to jump all over you with scripture about how negative you are being and how you need to rebuke this or that and wave a bible in my face and pound his fist....well, unfortunately, usually, that comes in the form of some pastor whose doing "God's Work" of reminding you what a bad christian you are because you are not holding to the word of God.

Instead I was greeted with a warm smile.  And a friendly hand shake and he sat in that dark room with me....and he listened.  He listed to my silly rants of how painful my body felt and how horrible this was and how alone I felt and how miserable this whole thing was and on and on I went telling him and I was waiting for the moment.  Just waiting for the moment when he would become "that pastor" and jump all over me with scripture that I could quote right back at him.  But he didn't.  In came that sweet aroma again.  That gentle wave of empathy.

Empathy.

Not sympathy because they are so different.

But a true empathy.  And he reminded me of a story that I have heard and read about many times.  But its relevance to my life hit me like a kick to my chest that sent shock waves through me that I still to this day feel. What's cool about this is that you know, I mean you REALLY know someone is speaking to you by God...and that those words are REALLY for you....because he probably doesn't even remember telling me this story lol.  But it was so direct.  And made so much sense. His name is Pastor Leo Acosta.


You see, Clara and Leo tapped into that very subtle and elusive part of Christianity that is real.  Its that part of being a Christian that REALLY draws people in.  Its definitely the part or character Jesus must of had or else why would he be any different than any of the other preachers out there?  Leo's story reminded me that God could use me and would do his will with my life even if my physical body could not move and could not perform in the way that I was used to it performing.

So both he and Clara with words of gentleness and clarity reminded me that this body that I feel so TRAPPED in....that I feel does not belong to me....that causes me so much drama and pain....this body CAN still work.  And will still work...in spite of myself...even if its "sleeping" or "unusable".  This "damaged" "illness-stricken" body is still worth something.

While others with whom I have spoken to have meant well.  And while they with fever and zeal have shared their heart and have tried to make me see that I am just in this funky pity party of one and to get over it, they never took the time to just LISTEN.  When we listen to someones problem, story, situation...and really hear with an open heart this amazing thing happens.  Our heart begins to beat in time with that bleeding heart with that aching soul and we become in line in some way and are able to empathize with that persons situation thus giving us clarity of thought so that our words are gentle and sweet and filled with light and truth and....

FREEDOM

I cannot lie to you and tell you that I am anywhere near the place of acceptance or freedom or clarity or whatever....but because of those two people....today....right now....feeling as crappy and alone as I feel I hear their words in my heart and it pushes me to believe that tomorrow will be better and that I am not alone.

So this blog I dedicate to two real Christians...yes, ladies and gentlemen there are still REAL Christians out there!

Thank you Clara and Leo for listening...for hearing the pain and fear involved in my head and heart and for not judging me.  But for speaking to me.  Your words will never fall to the ground....but will remain in my heart....and hopefully one day soon I will come to that place where I can say...

Now I'm free