Why don't we ever say what we mean? What are we afraid of? And when we do speak, is it always the truth?
If there was one super-human gift that I could possess it would have to be the ability to read someones mind. I decided this after recent events. If I could just read a person's mind then I would know when they were bullshitting me or not. I could know if all those words that flow out of their mouth like an uninhibited river were true.
When I was younger I could lie with such ease. Say fantastical stories and create illusions and pictures into the minds of those I wove my tales around. But as I got older I realized that one day I would have to answer for the tales I told. One day the deceptions I wove would ensnare me, and what's worse, I might hurt someone in the process.
I did this once. Create a lie so large that it was hard to contain let alone control it. Out it came from my mouth and began to breathe, move and live among us...this great lie. I was sure that I could wield its force if I could just keep it controlled. What a silly thought. Soon my lie was so large and affecting so many people it was making my head spin. Keeping track of dates and times and events from my lie were exhausting. But it was one phrase that I used in this lie that seemed to be the worst of all. "I love You".
I was young, immature, filled with bad TV sitcoms about love...what did I know? Saying it came naturally and it seemed like the right thing to do. They do it on TV and it seems to work for them! Why not me? But what I hadn't anticipated was how this phrase's weightiness and seriousness would affect the person I dumped it on. I say dumped because I should have never done so if I really didn't mean it, let alone know what it was. Blame my youth, blame my naivete, blame the emotions of a young girl, hell, blame TV! Whatever and with whomever the blame lies the truth is this...I said it...it was out there...and I didn't mean it.
I will never know how my words may have affected this person in years following them. Did they linger? Did he question them time and again and wonder if I really meant them? Does he even remember them at all or does he excuse them because he remembers how young and foolish we were?
Saying "I love You" back then was easy. How did it get so hard? Why did it get so hard? Probably because of lies like mine. When you are young you believe anything so easily. You take it at face value and invest all you have in one place...never questioning it. Never asking yourself, "is this the right move?" We jump in head first! So reckless, so filled with passion and a blind faith that pushes us forward. Then someone like me comes along and says those movie making magical words...I love you. And we are in Nirvana.
Fast forward a few years to the present..and my present frustration... and you have dating. A horrible experience if you ask me. No one prepares you for how terrible it is. No one tells you that you are going to go out with more losers than you can count. More men who are broke, or dumb, or sexually frustrated and desperate or over-sexed and ridiculously over confident. No one prepares you for the rejection or the awkwardness or all the bullshit game playing people do during dating.
ITS INFURIATING!
And then when finally, FINALLY someone comes along that is not an idiot, is not a low life, has a job, comes from a good family, is miles above the last loser to cross your path and seemingly has it all together....it goes away.
I am forced now to reflect on this. Could my "I love you" of the past come back to haunt me? Could it be that the time I said it when I didn't really mean it come back to show me how horrible it feels? We always say, "what goes around comes around". We say this when someone hurts us. But is not the same true if we are the ones committing the offense? What leaves me out of the equation?
So could that immaturity of youth when I told someone those words without weighing how serious they were come back to ensnare me again? In this quest to try to find some meaning and understanding over how can someone say something so deep and not really, REALLY mean it I find myself...being guilty of the same. How did I do it? Maybe I thought at the time that the little butterflies in my stomach meant love. Maybe it was the way I got goose-bumps all over when he held my hand that made me think that was love. Maybe cause on TV when my favorite characters held hands as they were walking to and from classes only to be separated by the ringing bell and then sharing the kiss that seemed to be a "last mile" kiss ending with an "I love you" ....meant love to me.
So when I had those things, my young and immature mind let my emotions sweep me away and fill me with so much FEELING that I thought it was love. So I said the words so many people say in passing and marveled at how grown up I felt. But it wasn't real. I did not love this person. I didn't even know what love was. And here I am all these years later on the other side of the coin...wondering...was that love real or not?
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...ok...well what if you feel that and the other person just moves on and goes on with life like if nothing. What then do I do with the heart I now have that is full of all this crappy "fondness". And the other saying that says, "Absence in love is like the wind on a flame, it either fans it or extinguishes it." Well, what if there is a back-draft like fire over here and nothing but the thin line of the smoke left over from a blown out candle over there? Then what?
So is it safe to say that I really am paying for those three words I said all those years ago? Could this be what that guy felt like after we were through? Wherever you are, I am sorry.
Will my "I'm sorry be enough?"
I am now putting the pieces back together after a whirlwind of recent emotions. I am now reconciling in myself all the timed investment I placed into another. I did learn a lot. I did grow. But I am still left with this nagging question, WAS IT REAL?
This is the thought that plagues my psyche. I rehearse this question over and over and over again. I think about it and wonder at it and re question myself concerning it. Will my question ever be answered? Will I ever know if it was real or just pay back for my youthful folly. Will I ever know if the words that were said to me were not just swept up feelings. But real.
Here is my advice to all you bloggers out there. Mean what you say....say what you mean. Never say the words that mean so much until you mean for them to matter much. Be careful or you will one day be sitting in your room blogging about what the hell you ever did to deserve this....and let me tell you...
Its not as fun or glamorous as it may appear..
It sucks actually
If there was one super-human gift that I could possess it would have to be the ability to read someones mind. I decided this after recent events. If I could just read a person's mind then I would know when they were bullshitting me or not. I could know if all those words that flow out of their mouth like an uninhibited river were true.
When I was younger I could lie with such ease. Say fantastical stories and create illusions and pictures into the minds of those I wove my tales around. But as I got older I realized that one day I would have to answer for the tales I told. One day the deceptions I wove would ensnare me, and what's worse, I might hurt someone in the process.
I did this once. Create a lie so large that it was hard to contain let alone control it. Out it came from my mouth and began to breathe, move and live among us...this great lie. I was sure that I could wield its force if I could just keep it controlled. What a silly thought. Soon my lie was so large and affecting so many people it was making my head spin. Keeping track of dates and times and events from my lie were exhausting. But it was one phrase that I used in this lie that seemed to be the worst of all. "I love You".
I was young, immature, filled with bad TV sitcoms about love...what did I know? Saying it came naturally and it seemed like the right thing to do. They do it on TV and it seems to work for them! Why not me? But what I hadn't anticipated was how this phrase's weightiness and seriousness would affect the person I dumped it on. I say dumped because I should have never done so if I really didn't mean it, let alone know what it was. Blame my youth, blame my naivete, blame the emotions of a young girl, hell, blame TV! Whatever and with whomever the blame lies the truth is this...I said it...it was out there...and I didn't mean it.
I will never know how my words may have affected this person in years following them. Did they linger? Did he question them time and again and wonder if I really meant them? Does he even remember them at all or does he excuse them because he remembers how young and foolish we were?
Saying "I love You" back then was easy. How did it get so hard? Why did it get so hard? Probably because of lies like mine. When you are young you believe anything so easily. You take it at face value and invest all you have in one place...never questioning it. Never asking yourself, "is this the right move?" We jump in head first! So reckless, so filled with passion and a blind faith that pushes us forward. Then someone like me comes along and says those movie making magical words...I love you. And we are in Nirvana.
Fast forward a few years to the present..and my present frustration... and you have dating. A horrible experience if you ask me. No one prepares you for how terrible it is. No one tells you that you are going to go out with more losers than you can count. More men who are broke, or dumb, or sexually frustrated and desperate or over-sexed and ridiculously over confident. No one prepares you for the rejection or the awkwardness or all the bullshit game playing people do during dating.
ITS INFURIATING!
And then when finally, FINALLY someone comes along that is not an idiot, is not a low life, has a job, comes from a good family, is miles above the last loser to cross your path and seemingly has it all together....it goes away.
I am forced now to reflect on this. Could my "I love you" of the past come back to haunt me? Could it be that the time I said it when I didn't really mean it come back to show me how horrible it feels? We always say, "what goes around comes around". We say this when someone hurts us. But is not the same true if we are the ones committing the offense? What leaves me out of the equation?
So could that immaturity of youth when I told someone those words without weighing how serious they were come back to ensnare me again? In this quest to try to find some meaning and understanding over how can someone say something so deep and not really, REALLY mean it I find myself...being guilty of the same. How did I do it? Maybe I thought at the time that the little butterflies in my stomach meant love. Maybe it was the way I got goose-bumps all over when he held my hand that made me think that was love. Maybe cause on TV when my favorite characters held hands as they were walking to and from classes only to be separated by the ringing bell and then sharing the kiss that seemed to be a "last mile" kiss ending with an "I love you" ....meant love to me.
So when I had those things, my young and immature mind let my emotions sweep me away and fill me with so much FEELING that I thought it was love. So I said the words so many people say in passing and marveled at how grown up I felt. But it wasn't real. I did not love this person. I didn't even know what love was. And here I am all these years later on the other side of the coin...wondering...was that love real or not?
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...ok...well what if you feel that and the other person just moves on and goes on with life like if nothing. What then do I do with the heart I now have that is full of all this crappy "fondness". And the other saying that says, "Absence in love is like the wind on a flame, it either fans it or extinguishes it." Well, what if there is a back-draft like fire over here and nothing but the thin line of the smoke left over from a blown out candle over there? Then what?
So is it safe to say that I really am paying for those three words I said all those years ago? Could this be what that guy felt like after we were through? Wherever you are, I am sorry.
Will my "I'm sorry be enough?"
I am now putting the pieces back together after a whirlwind of recent emotions. I am now reconciling in myself all the timed investment I placed into another. I did learn a lot. I did grow. But I am still left with this nagging question, WAS IT REAL?
This is the thought that plagues my psyche. I rehearse this question over and over and over again. I think about it and wonder at it and re question myself concerning it. Will my question ever be answered? Will I ever know if it was real or just pay back for my youthful folly. Will I ever know if the words that were said to me were not just swept up feelings. But real.
Here is my advice to all you bloggers out there. Mean what you say....say what you mean. Never say the words that mean so much until you mean for them to matter much. Be careful or you will one day be sitting in your room blogging about what the hell you ever did to deserve this....and let me tell you...
Its not as fun or glamorous as it may appear..
It sucks actually
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