Maybe if I wear bad clothes and makeup I'll score some points lol

I'm home today...sick.

Lying in bed all day has its advantages. You get to catch up on shows you rarely get to watch. You can eat anything you want (as long as the queasiness is not that horrible). And you can blog:)

During my channel flipping escapade I fell on this channel that I NEVER and I do mean NEVER watch. Ok well maybe NEVER is a bit of a stretch. I have seen it in bits and pockets of time in my life. The channel is the christian network, TBN. Ok now before I am completely berated for this act let me say that its not always laden with overly made up bleached wigged crazies begging for your money. In my life as a christian there have been moments, yes maybe few moments in my opinion, when the TBN channel has not been as bad as nails on a chalk board.

This was one of those moments. I was watching a documentary on how the TBN channel got started. And you know, it was kinda inspiring. I mean here were these two "regular" (and I use that term loosly, have you seen the way they dress?) people. People who had a vision. People who had a dream for something bigger than anything they ever saw. They may have had some limited means but nothing near what they needed to get this dream to move into a reality. Its crazy. How into this program I was. I watched amazed how they started with one little channel and one little program to a whole television network and now a global entity.

No one, no matter how hard they may try can deny the power TBN has. Its global vision of world domination is inspiring. The thing is, well what I came to realize is that the whole world domination idea might really have to do with getting people to hear and believe in Jesus. And that realization can see beyond the hair and terrible makeup and gold plated chairs and fake silk flowers. I think that at the heart of it...there is some real honest desire to have the name of Jesus be proclaimed to everyone.

Watching the documentary took me back to a time in my life when church dominated every aspect of my life. A time when I could quote the bible effortlessly and with such ease. A time when I would wonder, "what DO people do on Sunday other than go to church?" There was a time when my all my music was worship music or some new christian band. When weekends were filled with youth meetings and drama or dance practise for a new play for church. When Wednesday night meant prayer and Saturdays meant "the day before church". There is a part of me that misses that. A part of me that misses not knowing anything else accept what I learned in church or through some bible study. It was nice.

I have NOT left God, or given up my faith. I STILL pray and even read my bible (though not nearly as much as I should). But my life is SOOO different than what it was. I look at the leaders of TBN and I am amazed that though my life has taken somewhat of a turn there they are...still clad in the ridiculous outfits. Still wearing too much makeup. Still crying through fake eyelashes. And still talking about the love of Jesus.

I think thats pretty cool. I have to admire their tenaciousness. They never have given up. And now (my bible scholar friends will enjoy this) there is a medium for that scripture in Revelations that says (and of coarse I'm paraphrasing), "When all the world has heard the message, then the Lord will come".

So TBN keeps pushing on, now in its 36th year. They don't care how silly they look. They don't care how it may make people feel to see these overdressed rich white people jump up and down clapping, "Jesus, Jesus!" They keep doing it. I, on the other hand, have come to a place in my life where I am trying to find my way again.

I feel almost like an old piece of furniture. It once had its use but now its old, still to valuable and somewhat nice to throw out but of no use anymore. So that is where I find myself. I am trying to find a place in my life where I get the energy and excitement like Paul Crouche (the TBN guy) to keep pushing forward and keep chasing a bigger dream. But is it ok to admit that I am tired of chasing? Is it ok to say that maybe I am starting to doubt if my dreams will come true? Maybe I should accept the inevitable. But what IS the inevitable?

People like the TBN crew inspire me...bad clothes and silly overtly ridiculous stage sets and all. But they are unwavering. Day after day, city and country after country...preaching and sharing and yes even loving.

I wonder what will become of me? I wonder if my dreams for my life will ever come true? I wonder if God loves me enough to answer my prayer even though I have found out what other things people do on Sunday other than go to church. I wonder if God will remember all the times I raised my hands and prayed for hours and did drama presentations and went on missions trips and evangelized. Or is it all a wash because now I am not doing those things. I wonder if God forgets what I've done and is holding back "blessings" cause of what I am doing now.

Hmmmmm....I wonder what the folks at TBN would say? LOL....there is a part of my mind that still knows the answer to my own questions...

But I'd just like to say thank you to the folks at TBN...for sticking through for 36 years. 36 years of horrible appearance but genuine heart. Thats pretty admirable.

Inspiration

Reality TV

Ok so like what in the hell is the matter with TV now-a-days? What happened to real programs...not reality TV...I mean REAL programs. You remember the ones don't you? the ones with writers and actors and a plot and a story line.

Now it is filled with trashy uneducated people who drink way to much, sleep with anything with a pulse, and act like they were raised in a barn. So what the hell happened? I remember a time when I used to watch TV and actually enjoy it. LOL, I laugh at the thought of my mom yelling at me about how much I watch TV and how it would fry my brain. But here I am, all these years later and my brain isn't fried, I'm considerably more educated than many people I know and successful.

Yet somehow all the notoriety goes to the overly-bleached retarded (and I mean that in the most P.C. way I can lol) "women" and "men". Whatever happened to great TV? It kinda reminds me of this really ironic song from the play "Chicago"....


The whole world's gone low-brow. Things ain't what they used to be.
They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't.

It's all gone.

Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?

Class.
Whatever happened to, 'Please, may I?'
And 'Yes, thank you?'
And 'How charming?'
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class?

Class!
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!

Whatever happened to old values?

And fine morals?

And good breeding?

Now, no one even says 'oops' when they're
Passing their gas
Whatever happened to class?

Class

Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce

And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass

Nobody's got no class!

All you read about today is rape and theft
Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?

Nobody's got no class

Everybody you watch
'S got his brains in his crotch

Holy crap
Holy crap

What a shame
What a shame

What became of class?

I mean honestly! This song, in its pure and funny way says exactly how I feel most times. It not just reality TV though....it seems that this lack of class has infected everything! Men, women and children. Guys will lie STRAIGHT TO YOUR FACE without so much as a flinch! And I know women who will try with all they have to steal the man of their best friend! What the hell happened to us?

The pious will say, "Its the lack of religious morals!" The ridiculous will blame the school system. The uneducated will blame the government. You know who I blame!!!

McDonalds!

Why?

I don't know...I just figured I'd end this crazy rant with something ridiculous lol

So my final thought:

Reality bites, sucks and is not what you expect



But it can be nice to....sometimes lol (Ok so maybe not based on the pic above, but you get what I mean lol)

Nothing

Nothing much to write about...

Been a while...

Looking for something to say...

Words fail me...

But I do know this...

With each tick of the clock...

It gets easier....

And my memory fades

Dreams for Plans

Once upon a time you and I
When we were green and easy
Fresh as limes and happy as a Sunday sky
There was nothing we could sell or buy
'Cause all we really needed
Was our bare feet and a pair of wings to fly

What do you think, darling?
Have we lived too much, too fast?
And have you
Have you felt melancholy, darling
Wishing that time hadn't passed?

Can you tell me how it used to be?
Have we missed our chance?
Have we changed our hopes for fears
And our dreams for plans?

Can you tell me how it used to be
When we really cared?
And when love was on our side
On our side...

I remember all the times before
When we could spend our living
Staring at the ceiling, lying on the floor
My vocabulary wasn't broad
I spoke so little English
That the word "stress" would
Sound like something odd

What do you think, darling?
Have I lived too much, too fast?
And have you
Have you felt the melancholy, darling
Wishing that time hadn't passed?

Can you tell me how it used to be?
Have we missed our chance?
Have we changed our hopes for fears
And our dreams for plans?
Can you tell me how it used to be
When we really cared?
And when love was on our side
On our side...

What is your guess, darling?
Have I lived too much, too fast?
So if you
If you ever come and find me crying
Now you know
Now you know why

Can you tell me how I used to be?
Have I missed my chance?
Have I changed my hopes for fears
And my dreams for plans?
Can you tell me how it used to be
When we really cared?
And when love was on our side
On our side...

Grand Gestures...What's so bad about that?

I saw this movie today that was about this girl who couldn't decide between two men. One guy was what her mother thought would be best for her and the other would later prove to be her best match.

I could write a novel on the whole mother choosing a mate for you idea but that's not what has me writing this. What absolutely floored me was this one scene in the movie. The girl, not being able to decide between the two men, had just come from having dinner with the mother-picked guy and his family. Waiting for her on her doorstep was Mr. Right with a bouquet of beautiful flowers. He stood there long enough to see her thank and kiss mother-picked guy. After realizing that his "perfect" girl was not so perfect he pretty much sent her to hell and walked away.

Here is where it gets good: Later in the movie, distraught at the realization she could be making the wrong choice with mother-picked guy (it was clear to everyone watching the movie, but for the sake of prolonging the inevitable she stayed with him) she dumps him and goes on a quest to reconcile and beg Mr. Perfect to take her back.

In a romantic move filled with moist eyes and dramatic music playing in the background she shows up to this Mr. Perfect's job and confesses how wrong she was and how sorry she was. She says, "I miss you so much" and proceeds to tell him that she loved him and please give her another chance. Just to make the movie watcher stay with the story for another 30 minutes so as to fill the movie time quota he says no (at first of coarse) and she leaves the establishment broken and devastated and just overwhelmed with feelings of regret.

This whole scene is just a set up however, for how wonderful and magical it will be when he realizes that she, with all her flaws and even CHEATING ON HIM, is the best person for him and the one he loves. In what has to be one of the most cheesy-cliche-romantic comedy movie moments, he goes to her place of work and tells her how much he loves her and all her quirks make her so wonderful and how all the things that to everyone else in the movie (including mother-picked guy) found so annoying, to him where pearls of her character that he absolutely adored (of course).

After the movie I got to thinking. What if she never reached out and tried to get him back initially? Would he have ever shown up at her job and told her how much he loved her too? Or if he would have eventually, how long would this decision to find her and get her back have taken him? Of course for the movie magic to happen and the concept that love conquers all had to prevail and in order to be continually perpetuated by Hollywood, it had to happen right away (its only a 2 hour movie after all).

What really blows my mind is the idea of her going to him in the first place. What if that were real life? What if we, women that is, when faced with a breakup and utterly heartbroken and longing for things to return to the way they were, do this grand gesture and show up to were the guy lives/works/hangs out etc, and confess in a loud voice, "I miss you" and "I love you" and "Please take me back". What would happen? Would it all tie itself up in a neat little bow and in less than 30 minutes like in my movie?

Or would the guy call you a stalker, tell you off, and never speak to you again except for the occasional time he mentions your name in the phrase, "yeah she was psycho". Could it really be that becoming so vulnerable to admit that you were wrong about something, or that you miss someone be a bad thing? Is admitting how much you long to be in that persons life still, and that you let them know that, be some sort of cardinal sin?

Whatever happened to being honest? My critics will tell me that by doing what this girl did a woman would be loosing ground. But isn't this the sort of game playing that gets people into trouble in the first place? Who makes up the rules of these stupid games anyways? If you miss a friend, don't you tell them? If you haven't seen a family member in some time don't you say, "hey, I miss you"? Hell, there is a old man who bags my groceries and has been doing so for longer than I can remember and when he fell ill (unbeknown to me) when I finally saw him I said, "hey its been a long time, I missed you!".

Sure I can see that she (the movie girl) did a very wrong thing, so courtesy and ethics would say, go apologize. But what if you did nothing wrong? What if you just really miss that person? Is it SO freaking horrible to confess these feelings that you can't possibly just say the words?

When did saying how you feel become so laden with rules? And if these rules exist, are there exceptions, as there are to so many? What if your heart moves you and you feel like you should go and say, "I miss you"? Would that be so horrible? Would that make you a stalker or psycho or desperate. Why do we let pride write the rules? What if by being honest you do get your own sappy romantic comedy ending? Yes there is the risk that he totally blow you off and you become the butt of many a joke...but isn't saying how you feel important anymore?

I have found that there is this side of my character that makes me feel like I might burst if I don't say what is burning in me to say. Sure its gotten me into a mess a time or two, but to this day I can't say I regretted speaking. In the end, if rejection was there already, would saying how you feel change the outcome? Maybe not...

But at least you wouldn't lie awake at night constantly having to convince yourself not to pick up the phone or drive anywhere to say, "I miss you". You would have said it, it would be out there and not festering and lingering inside your mind. And really, is saying that you miss someone categorize you as a stalker or psycho? Since when is being honest and hopeful the ingredients to stalker-dom?

Is saying how you really feel to the person you still feel anything for worth the risk of humiliation and rejection all over again?

I'll tell you one thing...

I don't have an answer to that one!

So I guess I'll just continue wondering and then writing about it...cause right now my pride is kicking my ass at this game and it refuses to be like that movie-girl! But see me in a week and maybe I would have done a grand gesture by then LOL

Or maybe not

Frustration

Why don't we ever say what we mean? What are we afraid of? And when we do speak, is it always the truth?

If there was one super-human gift that I could possess it would have to be the ability to read someones mind. I decided this after recent events. If I could just read a person's mind then I would know when they were bullshitting me or not. I could know if all those words that flow out of their mouth like an uninhibited river were true.

When I was younger I could lie with such ease. Say fantastical stories and create illusions and pictures into the minds of those I wove my tales around. But as I got older I realized that one day I would have to answer for the tales I told. One day the deceptions I wove would ensnare me, and what's worse, I might hurt someone in the process.

I did this once. Create a lie so large that it was hard to contain let alone control it. Out it came from my mouth and began to breathe, move and live among us...this great lie. I was sure that I could wield its force if I could just keep it controlled. What a silly thought. Soon my lie was so large and affecting so many people it was making my head spin. Keeping track of dates and times and events from my lie were exhausting. But it was one phrase that I used in this lie that seemed to be the worst of all. "I love You".

I was young, immature, filled with bad TV sitcoms about love...what did I know? Saying it came naturally and it seemed like the right thing to do. They do it on TV and it seems to work for them! Why not me? But what I hadn't anticipated was how this phrase's weightiness and seriousness would affect the person I dumped it on. I say dumped because I should have never done so if I really didn't mean it, let alone know what it was. Blame my youth, blame my naivete, blame the emotions of a young girl, hell, blame TV! Whatever and with whomever the blame lies the truth is this...I said it...it was out there...and I didn't mean it.

I will never know how my words may have affected this person in years following them. Did they linger? Did he question them time and again and wonder if I really meant them? Does he even remember them at all or does he excuse them because he remembers how young and foolish we were?

Saying "I love You" back then was easy. How did it get so hard? Why did it get so hard? Probably because of lies like mine. When you are young you believe anything so easily. You take it at face value and invest all you have in one place...never questioning it. Never asking yourself, "is this the right move?" We jump in head first! So reckless, so filled with passion and a blind faith that pushes us forward. Then someone like me comes along and says those movie making magical words...I love you. And we are in Nirvana.

Fast forward a few years to the present..and my present frustration... and you have dating. A horrible experience if you ask me. No one prepares you for how terrible it is. No one tells you that you are going to go out with more losers than you can count. More men who are broke, or dumb, or sexually frustrated and desperate or over-sexed and ridiculously over confident. No one prepares you for the rejection or the awkwardness or all the bullshit game playing people do during dating.

ITS INFURIATING!

And then when finally, FINALLY someone comes along that is not an idiot, is not a low life, has a job, comes from a good family, is miles above the last loser to cross your path and seemingly has it all together....it goes away.

I am forced now to reflect on this. Could my "I love you" of the past come back to haunt me? Could it be that the time I said it when I didn't really mean it come back to show me how horrible it feels? We always say, "what goes around comes around". We say this when someone hurts us. But is not the same true if we are the ones committing the offense? What leaves me out of the equation?

So could that immaturity of youth when I told someone those words without weighing how serious they were come back to ensnare me again? In this quest to try to find some meaning and understanding over how can someone say something so deep and not really, REALLY mean it I find myself...being guilty of the same. How did I do it? Maybe I thought at the time that the little butterflies in my stomach meant love. Maybe it was the way I got goose-bumps all over when he held my hand that made me think that was love. Maybe cause on TV when my favorite characters held hands as they were walking to and from classes only to be separated by the ringing bell and then sharing the kiss that seemed to be a "last mile" kiss ending with an "I love you" ....meant love to me.

So when I had those things, my young and immature mind let my emotions sweep me away and fill me with so much FEELING that I thought it was love. So I said the words so many people say in passing and marveled at how grown up I felt. But it wasn't real. I did not love this person. I didn't even know what love was. And here I am all these years later on the other side of the coin...wondering...was that love real or not?

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...ok...well what if you feel that and the other person just moves on and goes on with life like if nothing. What then do I do with the heart I now have that is full of all this crappy "fondness". And the other saying that says, "Absence in love is like the wind on a flame, it either fans it or extinguishes it." Well, what if there is a back-draft like fire over here and nothing but the thin line of the smoke left over from a blown out candle over there? Then what?

So is it safe to say that I really am paying for those three words I said all those years ago? Could this be what that guy felt like after we were through? Wherever you are, I am sorry.

Will my "I'm sorry be enough?"

I am now putting the pieces back together after a whirlwind of recent emotions. I am now reconciling in myself all the timed investment I placed into another. I did learn a lot. I did grow. But I am still left with this nagging question, WAS IT REAL?

This is the thought that plagues my psyche. I rehearse this question over and over and over again. I think about it and wonder at it and re question myself concerning it. Will my question ever be answered? Will I ever know if it was real or just pay back for my youthful folly. Will I ever know if the words that were said to me were not just swept up feelings. But real.

Here is my advice to all you bloggers out there. Mean what you say....say what you mean. Never say the words that mean so much until you mean for them to matter much. Be careful or you will one day be sitting in your room blogging about what the hell you ever did to deserve this....and let me tell you...

Its not as fun or glamorous as it may appear..

It sucks actually

Its just so....nice

Doing nothing....lounging out...having fun...

This is the life...

And yet...how come some things are still missing?

Porque sera?

Maybe its not really missing? Maybe its still here

in some form or another...

Today

I'm starting off today with a new feeling: the unkown.

I am usually measured and I am usually a planner of sorts.
Always trying to think in careful steps, I tend to find security in what I have measured well and thought through. Lately, well in the recent past actually, I have let spontenaity rule. I have help success in some way and some things have proven to work well.

But now after thinking it through perhaps I am not as spontaneous as I once thought. Perhaps I plan to be spontaneous to much so as to mask the truth of planning. I realize that I really am not as spontaneous as I once thought.

But now that I know this about myself I choose to be who I am, and that has to be ok. So I plan....so what...thats me. Some things I have not been able to plan. Some things have just come across my path with no warning and I have jumped in feet first. Hoping and praying that it would turn out well.

In some degrees it has...in others, not so well. But what is life without risk. I like risk...I just don't like the change it might bring. But I guess these are the things that spice up my life. It is ever changing. I am ever having to accommodate and make room for more change.

So I step into the unknown and I take the risk of change. What will become of me?

Hopefully at the end I can buy a new outfit for it lol

You

Wherever you are....you are still here

Habanera (Carmen)

When will I love you?

Good Lord, I don't know,

Maybe never, maybe tomorrow.

But not today, that's for sure.

Love is a rebellious bird

that nobody can tame,

and you call him quite in vain

if it suits him not to come.

Nothing helps, neither threat nor prayer.

One man talks well, the other keeps silent;

it's the other one that I prefer.

He never said anything, but I like his looks.

Love! Love! Love! Love!

Love is a Bohemian's child,

it has never, ever, recognized the law;

if you love me not, then I love you;

if I love you, you'd best beware!

if you love me not,

if you love me not, then I love you;

but if I love you,

if I love you, you'd best beware!

if you love me not,

if you love me not, then I love you;

but if I love you,

if I love you, you'd best beware!

The bird you thought you had caught

beat its wings and flew away ...

love stays away, you wait and wait;

when least expected, there it is!

All around you, swift, swift,

it comes, goes, then it returns ...

you think you hold it fast, it flees

you think you're free, it holds you fast.

Love! Love! Love! Love!

Love is a Bohemian child,

it has never, ever, known law;

if you love me not, then I love you;

if I love you, you'd best beware!

The Bestie

So I am here in a blissful state. Why? Because of all the people I have known there is one person that always makes me feel happy and helps me to forget any problems or lingering sadness I may feel.

My best friend.

She has been there for me more than anyone (other than the obvious family member:)

So this particular blog is dedicated to her.

Thank you my friend.

For all you have always done for me. For all your advice. For all the laughter. For the tears that have become so cathartic. For the times when all hope seemed lost and you came with your bigger than life energy and sparkle. For the rainbows and sprinkles and skittles (lol). For the missions that are never ending and the ones we have yet to go on. For watching TV in your room. For finger licking good moments. For wanna-be lawyers and all their business with their important cases. For parties where we fell in the pool (and the times we fell in for no good reason). For the silly names and hot guys and the not so hot ones lol. For learning what a real friend is. For Shrek and the Umpa Lumpas. For seeing all the losers still in the same place they are still in as we leap over them. For teaching me to use stepping stones in the right way. For every time you called even though you were miles away.

Now and forever I will be grateful to the person you were, you are and who I will have the privilege to know in the future.

You are honorable, inspiring, loyal and a breath of fresh air.

Remember that you are an exquisit woman and anyone who you grant the honor to hold your hand and join their life to you should count themselves lucky to even exist in the same space as you.

Thank you for being you...DE PINGA lol

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

She can be taught!

Holy Hills...it took me long enough but I managed to get

music to play on this blog!
And if I do say so myself...Its pretty relaxing...so enjoy!

This is about as "doula-y" as I can get with out bringing in a birth ball LOL

Lost

I lost these...anyone know where I might find them again?

Ok so at the risk of sounding melodramatic, its true, I often feel like I have lost these. But then I remember all the things I was taught at one point or another and I tell myself not to be silly I really didn't loose them. I may have hid them so well, however, that I can't find them. Have you ever done that? Hidden something so well that you hid it even from yourself? Therein lies the lesson, keep them safe but do not hide them because when you need them you may not find them.

There is one I am not really wanting to look for right now
...just cause every time I have it, I get into trouble.

So I'm just sitting here...

Pretending to be busy...

I've got so many things to do I don't even know where to start...

Planning a trip in August...going to Atlanta

Think I'll be excited about it...I hope.

I just keep thinking, would I be happier about certain things if I had the other things right along with them? I wonder.

Would that make all the new stuff better? Or more enjoyable...IDK

What I do know is this....my best friend is coming into town...and I am happy :)

At the end of the day...

You still shine brighter than anyone

Hoping

Between Asleep and Awake

Between Asleep and Awake
Originally uploaded by lisig1517g

Do Not Go Gentle into that good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas

Here's what I think

I just had the most amazing thought! What if you could surgically remove any memory you really don't want? What if there was a way to just draw out that tiny sliver of a moment so that it would never irk you again? Would you do it? Would I? I wonder... Here's the catch. By removing that one memory you then erase any other memory associated with that memory. For example, if on the day this said "bad" memory occurred it was shared by a "good" memory totally unrelated. That moment would be lost forever. Its a hard one. I think instead of thinking of the thing I'm not supposed to be thinking, I will contemplate the possibility that that thing might be thinking of me too...oh, if it were only real.

Hungry

Have you ever been so hungry that all you can think of is what you are going to eat?

Then just when the opportunity arrives and you have your moment to truly contemplate your meal...you can't decide! I hate that!

So in order to avoid this oh so perilous fate I have decided to eat something utterly delicious. My mouth waters just thinking of it LOL.

Oh the joy of Pad Thai beef...yum

One day on the way to work I was listening to the radio and I heard the tail end to this song. There was something about the lyrics I heard, in those few ending phrases that got my attention. Well I can't tell you the mission I went on to find the song. But when I did and I heard it in its entirety I was floored by the words.

So simple and so true. It was like I could have written them myself. I was shocked. The phrases or so simplistic. Its not a deeply "profound" song by any stretch of the imagination. But its words are so deep none the less. I found myself imagining a place on by the ocean. I was there...waiting for something bigger than what got me to that place at that time in the first place.

I was astounded by how the word imagery was so revelatory to my present state. I must of heard this song like 100 times in one sitting. Again and again it played. Opening up my mind to the idea, no the recognition that what I was "waiting" for was MY proverbial ship.

And whats most fascinating is that herein lies the inevitable message...hope. Hope that somewhere out there that something I've been waiting for will eventually come to me. But I suppose what scares me the most is the question of what will that "thing", so long hoped for be like once it arrives. Will it be what I expect? Will I recognize it as the "thing" I've been waiting and hoping for? Will all this make sense?

More questions. But until I get an answer, any answer...I'll just enjoy the music.

And so the story begins

I'm not sure why I am starting a blog. What is a blog anyways? I find that perhaps my desire to create this extended "voice" may be a way to help all of the convoluted crap in my mind. Will anyone read it? Will anyone care? Maybe its not for anyone. Maybe this...this blog...is just for me.

I think that its time I try writing down all the stuff that has my mind all a-flutter. This is what I call therapy. Getting it all out in writing. Letting myself see the words...no matter what they are. See the pain in them, see the joy, see whatever I need to see in order to propel me to the next level (whatever that is). 'Cause whatever I am doing now, is not working. So I'll try this.

Wherever this blog thing leads me...IDK...but for now...its like a new relationship. Exciting and mysterious. So let the writing begin. You, the reader (if you exist). Feel free to step into my world. Here is a warning...It may get complicated (lol).

I saw this pic and it spoke to me. Isn't that the way with pics. Some are for memories; remembrances of things past. Others just jump out at you and say something. Like this image. That must be me. Walking this journey trying to figure this stuff out. All that's left behind are the imprints of where I have been. Leading me on...to where I am going.

Sitting here now thinking of all the places I've been. The things I've seen. The experiences that have taught me so much. It all makes me wonder: where too next? IDK. So far, this freaking journey has been long. And right now, I feel like I might be running out of water. But just like in this pic, if I can just get over this hill, maybe the next leg of all this won't be so hard.

Maybe this new phase will turn out better than what has been. I've been through a lot in the past year. More than most. A lot for me. But it always remains the same. Something shocks me into a reality that I have always had to face. A recognition that I am still getting to know me. Or at least the new me that has been birthed out from this most recent experience.

Its cool. Its scary. Its...unknown.

But I gotta keep walking. Gotta keep going. Gotta keep pushing up this hill. And who knows what or who will find me on the other side.

Why is it in life it takes adversity or some hard time to get to know our true selves? Why can't it be easy and we figure that out when its all good? Do trials really make the best you, you could be?

Or are we just a new branch that has been grafted in to our life? Are we now a new version of who we once were? I recognize that some trials produce great fruit. But some, well, truth is, that fruit is bitter.

In the end, all I can hope is that whoever emerges on the other side is a me I will recognize.