confusion

It has been a long while...


A very long while....


Since I wrote down anything that was worth writing or speaking about.  But as of lately I have realized that once again there are things here that I have left open-ended and undone.  Things I should have finished that sit and collect dust around me as I turn my focus on other projects.  All the while however there are specific things that keep going round and round and round.  Things that today, came crumbling down on the landscape of my mind reminding me that I am still in the same place I was before...


Confused.


I am confused about that feeling I feel that I am desperately trying to avoid feeling.


I am confused about how I feel when I am around that specific thing that provokes that feeling and what I am supposed to do with that feeling once I walk away from it.


I am confused by the lights and flashes and thoughts in my mind that appear during a conversation where I shouldn't be thinking of that feeling yet there it is...nagging at me....making me...feel.


I am confused about the feeling of this feeling and how it feels when I try not to feel it at all.  


I am confused about how one minute I think I am not the only one feeling this feeling and then suddenly realize that I just might be. 


I am confused at how up and down and all around me this feeling feels and yet some moments I feel like I have no feeling at all.


I am confused about how confusing this feeling is.


After all of that I realize that there is something more critical at this point.  A fact I am faced with.  A harsh reality.  The confusion has been festering because I keep trying to deny this damn feeling.  I tell myself that my denial of it is for my benefit, but upon further reflection and self-analysis I realize, no, it is of no benefit to me to deny this thing.  In fact, it is completely un-beneficial.  I have in NO WAY benefited from pushing this feeling down, away, out of my mind and out of my sight.  All it does is find a way back and I end up dwelling on how much I don't feel what I really feel.


Ugh....


The truth is, it makes me tired.  So tired that I have decided to just let it go and keep being confused because the alternative....yeah, that would be just....I don't even know.  I have been disarmed today and I don't like that feeling.  


On another note....I had some recent inspiration to continue writing my book so I will get back to doing that...maybe that will be a better distraction.  Yeah....I'll do that.


*Sigh*