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"You promise that you will miss me?", she whispered in his ear.

The going away party was in full swing inside the hotel.  Everyone had come to say their goodbyes to Adam.  The fact that he was being shipped out was a great excuse for a party.  For Abby it was bitter-sweet.  Sweet because she knew that he had been in love with the idea of "serving my country" since they had met and she was happy that he was finally being given the chance to do so.  And bitter because, well, he was going far away, into a dangerous country, and she knew one to many stories of women waiting for their husbands or boyfriends to come home only to have the Army show up at your doorstep to tell you that he was missing in action or declared dead or a prisoner of war.  By now they had been together 3 years and she was more in love with him each day that went by.  She was terrified of the idea of him not coming back.

The worst part was that she didn't really know when he was leaving.  He got word of it earlier that week but did not give the details of when it would happen.  Maybe he was sparring her from the reality of the situation or maybe he didn't know.  It didn't matter, all that mattered was that he was leaving and he'd be gone for God only knew how long and she would miss him terribly.  He agreed to having a party only because he knew how important it was to her.  He was never one for grand gestures or being the center of attention so she knew he would feel awkward about it but she was determined to get it done.  The party also served as a great distraction from what was to come.  In the the days before the party she busied herself and her mind with preparations.  From the location to the food and drinks, to the music that would play and the guests to be invited, she drowned her thoughts into every detail.  But now, standing outside with him watching his every move, she realized that the planning was over and she had to face the reality that he was leaving.  It hurt, God did it hurt.

Because the possibility of his inevitable deployment was made known earlier that year he had made her take a class led by the wives of men in the military in which they seemed to go over and over how much combat changes a man.  And how much it will change you as a person and change your relationship and how hard it will be to remain faithful so, "If you already have in your mind that the time they are deployed is longer than you are comfortable with you should break it off now.  This way they are not fantasizing over you and your perfect relationship while you are sleeping with their best friend." This was the "helpful" advice given to the group by Jen, the group leader, mother of 4, whose husband was what she called a "lifer".  This meant he had a long career in the military and did not see himself ever leaving it.  To Abby the term sounded like something you call a prisoner.  And that was how she saw most of the women in the group.  Women imprisoned by the life of waiting for their husband to come back for short bursts of time and then leave again to go fight in the war.

She really wasn't even sure she should be there.  She sat and looked around at the depressing bunch and noticed each had a ring on that special finger where hers was still blinking with a neon sign that said "Vacancy".  Why he wanted her to go to this meeting was confusing to her.  Was he trying to tell her that one day she would be his wife and she would be more joined to the group than she is now?  Was he trying to prepare her for his decision to be a "lifer" and trying to smooth her transition into her new role? Was it just an F.Y.I situation that he wanted her to get.  She never really knew.  But she sat quietly and listened to Jen go over the litany of "things to watch out for" upon your significant others return.  This list she spoke of seemed so far removed from her mind that a lot of it she could not process.  She felt that by now...she knew him.  She knew his moods and his manners.  She knew when he was upset or happy without him ever having to say a word.  Did it really take knowing all these "signs" for her to notice that something was wrong with him.  Maybe these women really didn't know their man, she thought.  How could you not know he was different?  Why did some women sound surprised or confused by the behavior of their partner?  She couldn't help it but she knew that a cynical expression was now forming on her face.

"I don't even know how to talk to him anymore", said one woman who identified herself as Melissa.  Melissa was a young and very pretty woman who was also very pregnant.  She stroked her belly and looked down at it with what looked like to Abby to be apology.  Melissa's long brown hair fell across her face and down her shoulders and settled on the top of her belly.  She reminded Abby of the weeping willow tree. "I came tonight because I just don't know what to do", she said with tears in her eyes.  "I feel like everything I say is wrong.  Like even asking him what he wants for breakfast comes out in a weird unnatural way." Jen walked over to her and sat next to her in the empty folding chair.  She grabbed her hand and brushed the hair out of her face and set it neatly and gently behind her ear.  She looked at her for a long time and didn't say anything.  To Abby the silence seemed uncomfortable after a while.  Its as if they were communicating in some way and Abby had no idea what they were saying to each other.  "This is the reality many of you will face when he comes back", Jen said after a long while.  "How long had he been gone?" she said to Melissa.  "About 13 months" said responded with a shrug of her shoulders.  Thirteen months? That could not be right, though Abby.  How could he "change" in such a short time?  Melissa had to be exaggerating.  According to Melissa her and her husband had been married for 8 years prior to his decision to join the Army.  His decision came after they had some financial struggles and a recruiter talked to him about future security in the Army.  She was excited for him to join and looked forward to seeing him happier.  "We were both looking forward to him finally having a career and a future.  We would always talk about it" she said.  But how was it then that he came back with "problems" as she put it Abby thought?


Abby decided right then that these women were just overly emotional and grossly exaggerating the circumstances.  She knew Adam would not come back and sit in dark rooms or watch for "the enemy" outside their windows like some of the other women spoke about.  She also knew she would not be like Samantha, the outspoken youngest of the group who, after another long uncomfortable group silence jumped up and said, "Look, I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about but if Charlie comes back a head case, I'm gone.  I mean who's gonna deal with that mess?  Besides, why should my life have to be all depressing and frustrating cause he decided to do this?"  Abby had to admit that even though she thought Samantha was an idiot she did have a point. It was their decision to do this, it was something they wanted.  Why make it into an experience of suffering?  Why not make seeing it as what it was, a job that he did, just like any other job?  Jen looked at Melissa as if she was going to smack her but none the less replied to her remark as politely as she could, "You make an interesting point Sam, thanks for your input.  And she's right", she said to the group, "You don't under any circumstances have to put up with anything.  They made this choice and in turn you have choices as well.  Samantha seems to have made her choice to leave if her husband comes back, how did you put it?" she asked sarcastically.  "Oh yes, a head case" she remarked with venom in her voice.  "But there are those of us whose choice will be to stay.  To stick it out with the man that we love.  Because we will hold on to the image of the man that once was and will believe that he will return to us.  But the truth is ladies, that doesn't always happen. I hope that it does.  I hope that when he comes back he will be the same person you know.  But war, albeit cliche to say, changes a person.  They will see and experience things we can only imagine or see in a movie.  And the sooner you accept that some things will change, even if it is the smallest thing, the easier it will be for you, at least to some degree.  And you will have to know if you are willing to deal with it."

The meeting ended with Jen passing out a card with her number on it and the numbers of other "lifer" wives and some websites with information on Post Traumatic Stress Disorders.  Abby pushed the card into the bottom of her purse hoping to never see it again.  Most of the women stood around sipping coffee and eating some of the food others had brought but Abby was determined to leave.  As she maneuvered her way around the small group toward the door her exit became blocked by Jen who was standing in front of the doorway blocking her escape.  "Hi there, you're new, I'm Jen".  Jen made this introduction with a half smile but Abby picked up the "oh, you're not getting away that easy" look on her face.  "Oh, uh, hi" said Abby shyly, "I'm Abby".  "Nice to meet you Abby.  What brought you hear tonight?"  She said this while looking down at Abby's empty ring finger that seemed to be shouting at everyone in the room, "No I'm not married".  "Uh, Adam's, uh, that's my, uh, boyfriend.  He's leaving.  I don't know when.  But he is.  And, uh, he wanted me to come here.  So...yeah...here I am."  Abby felt naked.  She did it again, Jen stood there in silence staring at Abby.  After a minute or so she said, "Well, we're here if you need us.  I'm glad you came.  Its great that he recognized that you might need us.  Most women come on their own, not cause their partner suggested, so that's pretty great of him I think."  "Yeah, I guess", Abby said.  "You know, I know you must think we are all pretty sappy" laughed Jen.  "You must be telling yourself that this will never be you.  That we're the 'worst case scenario'", Jen said with a smile.  Abby shifted nervously side to side. "Its ok, I understand.  I've been right where you are.  And I hope, and pray for that matter, that you never have to see my face again.  But if you do, you'll know how to find me."  "Yeah, uh, thanks" said Abby.  Jen moved out of the way leaving the door free for Abby to walk through.  As she passed Jen said, "Oh and Abby?"  "Yeah?" Abby asked looking back.  "Remember that no matter what he comes back like, he is still in there somewhere.  He just might be lost a little."

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There were more empty chairs tonight and many of the women who had been there in the past where not there tonight.  Jen sat in her usual seat near the center of the circle and this time Abby sat next to her.  The remnants of last nights emotionally charged experience with Adam in the coffee shop were still with her.  She could still see his crazed look while he held the college student by the throat in her mind.  That look shook her to her very core.  She had never heard him even raise his voice before that and now he was jumping at people?  What the hell happened?  Her leg shook nervously through the meeting and she hardly paid attention.  Tonight was different for her.  She was there not just to listen, but now she had something to share.  She didn't become a frequent visitor to the group until 7 months after Adam had gone.  She never felt the need as strong until then.  What triggered her to return to the meeting was a phone conversation she had with him.  Soldiers were allowed periodic "morale" calls to family and friends back home.  A way of keeping their spirits up while they were away.  Adam had called for the first time after two months of being away.  When he still sounded like the Adam she knew she remembered thinking that Jen and the group she had gone to before he left were full of crap.  He sounded upbeat and happy.  Subsequent phone calls after that were pretty much the same.  But somewhere around his seventh deployment month something happened.  She didn't know what it was.  But his voice was different.

He was not as talkative and seemed a bit removed from the conversation.  Abby kept having to repeat, "Hello?" several times because he would go silent and she was not sure if the call had dropped.  But she put that out of her mind and thought that it was nothing.  Conversations after that seemed to follow the same pattern accept that there was only 2 more calls between that first "weird" call and the last call he made before he returned home.  When he called the last time he sounded so different that when she answered and he said, "Abby?" she said, "Yes, who's this?"  Her inability to recognize his voice didn't seem to phase him and though she apologized profusely for not being able to recognize him he skirted around the issue and silenced it with, "I'll be coming home soon". The next few months seemed to be years in Abby's mind.  She obsessed about his return every day.  She thought she would get a phone call from him but the next 5 months went by without a call. Every time the phone rang during those 5 months her heart would leap into her throat but it always turned out to be someone else; her parents, his parents, a friend, a bill collector, everyone but Adam.  It was not until he was in the base in Georgia that he called to say he was in the U.S. and when he would need her to get him from the airport, that, it would turn out, would not be for another 2 months or so.  That call, although short, was more hopeful.  He sounded happy and said he was looking forward to seeing her and that he missed her so much.

After she had picked him up from the airport she released any worries she had of him being "changed" because he was so "normal".  He was the same Adam she remembered.  At least he was until they got up to their room.  Abby was ready and more than desperate to "welcome" Adam home the way she had been visualizing for a year and she kissed him in the way he would know that she wanted him.  Her hands moved over his body and around to the bottom of his shirt.  She was ready to tear it off of him but when she attempted to lift it he grabbed her hands and moved them around his neck.  No big deal, she thought.  Even after being apart for over a year Adam still wanted to play she told herself.  She continued to kiss him as she stroked his back, making her way with her hands slowly down his back again and rounding his waist she tried once more to lift his shirt.  Again, he grabbed her hands and moved them.  This time though he pulled away from her.  "What's wrong baby?" she asked with almost a whisper.  Adam seemed nervous and looked down at the floor.  "Uh, I guess its been a while.  Uh, I'm gonna shower ok?" "Shower?" Abby said with a laugh.  "Are you serious? Ok, shower then, I'll join you" she said with a look as close to seduction as she could muster.  "Uh, why don't you wait for me, I'll be out in a minute" he said, still not looking at her.  And with that he moved around her and rushed to the bathroom.  Abby just stood there dumbfounded.

She was sure that he would have wanted to be intimate the whole ride home.  She was sure he wanted her as he practically dragged her out of the car and into the house.  And now that he had her right there he was going in for a shower?  Abby was completely confused.  But she decided not to press the issue.  She went into the hallway and got some clean towels and some candles from the kitchen.  Maybe by setting a "mood" it might help.  Its understandable, she tried to convince herself.  They've been apart for a long time, and he's tired form his trip, maybe he just needs a shower and everything will be fine.  Ok, so he already smelled like soap when she picked him up, obviously he had already showered, but maybe he wanted his own shower, in his own home? The justifications for his behavior were getting harder to come by but she forced herself to create them none the less.  She went back into the bedroom and strategically placed all the candles in different spots around the room.  After lighting them she turned on the CD player he got her before he had left overseas and she put in one of their favorite artists albums.  When she got the volume "just right" she decided that she would meet him in the bathroom and "help" him dry off. After all, in the past, he used to love it when she did that.

The steam from the shower provided a thick fog that filled the bathroom.  She stood by the sink and watched him through the fogged glass. His body looked amazing, even better she had to admit, than when he left.  Despite only being able to clearly see a silhouette she could see definition in his muscles.  Something caught her eye however, a dark patch on his left side that seemed to extend around to his back.  It started above his left hip and wrapped around his body toward the center of his back.  It was a discoloration that reminded her of a healed skin burn, the scar from a severe burn.  She edged closer to the shower door to have a better look when Adam said, "Hey!" She noted how his exclamation had not only surprise but a hint of anger in it.  "Oh, sorry babe" she apologized "I just wanted to bring you a towel." She turned her back to him.  She felt stupid standing there with her back to him.  She had never not watched him in the shower.  They were that kind of a couple that would have conversations while one showered and the other brushed their teeth, now she was turning from him as if she was embarrassed to look at him!  "Adam?  What's that on your side?"

The water shut off suddenly.  The silence in the bathroom made her uncomfortable.  "Can you wait for me outside?" he said dryly and a little annoyed.  She put the towels on the counter and walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.  She sat on the bed and nervously bit her bottom lip.  Her head was spinning with questions.  She replayed his arrival over and over in her mind and tried to find any hint of something she did wrong but could not find anything.  She was just about to go back in the bathroom and ask him what was wrong again when he opened the door.  The candle lit room's romantic ambiance was disrupted by the bright bathroom light when he came through.  She dared not look at him.  She was anxious and nervous and she didn't know why exactly.  A ball welled up in her throat and she realized that tears began to fill her eyes.  "I'm sorry" although she was not sure why she was apologizing exactly.  "I just missed you so much and I wanted...I wanted..." her voice trailed off. She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands.  Adam rushed to her and knelt down in front of her.  He hugged her tightly.  His soapy smell and wet skin were a comfort to her.  She told herself that whatever just happened didn't matter, he was home, and that was the most important thing to her.

"Baby, don't cry" he whispered in her ear.  Abby closed her eyes, relishing this moment in his arms.  "Its just...uh" he sighed as he trailed off.  When he began again his voice quivered, "Its just, some things have changed and I wasn't sure how you would take it."  Abby pulled back from him, Jen's voice over a year before came flooding into her mind.  She wondered what "change" he was tying to get at.  In her panic she didn't notice that he had the towel he was wearing wrapped around his upper torso, like how a woman usually wears it after a shower.  When she did notice it her face displayed her confusion.  Adam, knowing he could not avoid it much longer stood up and removed the towel slowly.  There, blanketing his side from his left hip, up to his lowest rib and all the way around to his back was a very noticeable, very unflattering, burn scar.  Abby's face of shock and horror resonated with her loud cry of, "Oh my God! Baby what happened!"  The tears burst threw like buckets of water now and she reached up around and hugged him.  She tried not to hug him to tightly because she was not sure if he was in any pain.  "I'm ok now baby.  I promise.  I'm ok" he said trying to reassure her. She pulled back and sat on the bed.  The scar was so thick and painful to look at she started up into his face, "How did this happen?"  "Its a long story" he said with a shrug, "All that matters is that I'm ok and its in the past."  "But how, when..." Abby started to ask.  "Shhh", he interrupted as he knelt down again in front of her, "It doesn't matter.  Please.  I don't want to talk about it."  He kissed her on her cheek and wiped her tears.

Thousands of questions flooded into her mind and she wanted to ask them all but as he began to kiss her gently, first on the cheek, then her neck, then finally her lips each question melted away.  Soon all questions left her mind as she was consumed with the way he felt and how good it was to have him there.

But now sitting on the hard, cold folding chair among this circle of women the questions she had that night and a host of other questions burned in her mind and nearly drove her to the point of madness when the groups attention was finally placed on her after Jen said, "I think Abby has something she'd like to share with us".  Abby fidgeted in the chair and crossed her arms in front of her.  It was more like hugging herself to keep from falling apart.  "Uh, yeah" she started, trying to hold back the tears.  "Um, last night...last night" but the emotions got the best of her and when the tears began to fall she lost all control and sobbed loudly.  The women in the group who already knew Abby were shocked at this display.  Abby, after all, was the quiet one.  She never really spoke and only made her presence known when everyone would introduce themselves.  Now here she was sobbing...and loudly!  "Its ok hun", Jen said, stroking her back.  It took her a few minutes to compose herself and she was amazed that everyone was so generous with giving her time to do so.  "I'm sorry, its just, I don't know.  It's just...I never thought this would be me" she said when she could get the words out.  Slowly and with many breaks for more sobbing she recounted the story at the coffee shop.  She was sure she would get looks of shock when she spoke but instead every pair of eyes she met were filled with understanding.  "I've never seen him like that.  I was so scared.  Its as if he was a different person!"  she explained.  "I mean he's been weird for the past 2 months but in the beginning he wasn't like that.  When he first came back and for almost 5 months he was fine! Or, maybe I thought he was fine but now that I look back, yeah, there were little things I noticed, but nothing like this!" Abby was talking in circles, and she knew it, but no one stopped her or questioned her, they just let her speak.

"I was actually afraid of being alone in the house with him! Me! Afraid of him!  Its crazy right?  I mean, I've never been afraid of him.  He's never given me reason to be afraid of him.  But its just that...I don't know" she gave up trying to explain.  "Its just that he looked and sounded like a complete stranger during that moment" Jen finished for her.  "Yeah" Abby said looking knowingly at Jen.  "Yeah, like it was a different person.  He apologized in the car and I know he's sorry but, I don't know, I mean, what if it happens again?  What's wrong with him? He was fine...wasn't he?  I mean, he was fine"  The tears started up again and she shook her head over and over in disbelief.  "I'm over-reacting right? This is just a fluke or something?  This doesn't mean anything right?" Abby was desperate for answers.  She surveyed the room for a glimmer of hope but what were once expressions of understanding were now faces of sympathy and hopelessness.  All except for Jen's, her face showed determination and strength.  For the first time since they'd met, Abby respected Jen.  "Abby, I wish I could tell you that this is a fluke hun.  I wish I could tell you that its no big deal and ignore it.  But I can't.  It would be a lie.  Something must have happened to Adam.  Something that changed him.  Something that shocked and yes, traumatized him.  And he has tried to bury it and deal with it by ignoring it.  But now he can't do that anymore.  And the life he lived there and the experiences he had altered his perception of life here.  In his mind, and I get that this is hard for you to understand, but in his mind, he is still over there.  And his brain can't understand why everyone is acting like there is not a war going on.  And so he is on edge and afraid and wondering when another bad thing is going to happen.  So he lives his life in what he considers to be 'ready' for anything that might try to hurt him.  Psychologists call it 'hyper-vigilance'.  He believes that he has to be vigilant against an enemy either real or unreal.  Unfortunately what you experienced last night is just the tip of the ice berg and if he does not get help, well sweety, it only gonna get worse."

The pain that Abby felt in her heart when Jen spoke these words felt like a gun shot.  She could not breathe.  Get worse?  How?  Her mind raced.  She felt hot and cold all at once.  A new feeling began to wash over her, one that she would carry for a long while after that moment.  The feeling of loss.  Suddenly it felt as if the Adam she knew was dead and all the hope she had felt for the life she wanted with him was gone.  Despair began to envelope her.  Jen must have noticed it because she got up and grabbing Abby by the arms lifted her to her feet.  "Now you listen to me!" she said forcefully. "You will not lose hope!  All is not lost do you hear me?  Just because I said what I said does not mean that you can't fight for what you want.  Do you remember what I told you when I first met you?" Jen said looking deep into Abby's eyes trying to search for any sign of recollection.  Abby searched her mind but came up blank.  She was still reeling from Jen's first remarks.  "Look at me!" Jen said shaking Abby after noticing she was loosing her to her thoughts again. "Remember that I said that no matter what he comes back like, he is still in there somewhere.  He just might be lost a little. Do you remember that?"  Abby nodded her head as she remembered Jen standing in the doorway blocking her failed attempt to escape from the group without notice.  "Yeah, I remember" she managed to say.  "Well then don't forget it.  He's there, inside, some where.  And he might be lost, but if you love him through this, you could be just the flashlight he needs to find his way back.  Don't give up on him Abby.  He needs you now more than ever."