Today its stronger than ever...
That feeling...
I guess cause I'm looking around and all the "haves" HAVE it....and it sucks that I feel like the "have not"
STILL
Still at this point in my life you would think that I would just get over looking around and wondering.
I guess because people never cease to amaze me. Cause people that don't deserve it, have it. But who am I to say who is deserving or not? I don't have any right to make that judgment call.
That still doesn't shake off the feeling.
Let them have it all...
but still...
WAMG?
FML...ugh....maybe I should stop saying that lol
Wednesday
Thursday
Confusion, Frustration, Overwhelmed...I've got it all
So this very nice guy I just met is helping me understand my condition. He is like a little angel sent by God to tell me that everything that I am doing is wrong lol.
Its hard to take it all in.
Its hard to read his messages and not feel like, WHAT THE HELL??? I mean everything, EVERYTHING that I have eaten in my life basically is killing me! Wasn't food supposed to give life? Yeah our food here sucks and is all full of chemicals and bad crap, I've seen all those movies about why we should eat organic and why farm grass eating cows are better for you so I know that in America these big food companies really only care about money and not the quality of our lives so people like me develop Crohn's Disease and can't find anything to eat.
Whew! That was a long sentence!
I feel like I don't even know where to begin. Everything, right now, in my house contains the stuff he is saying I need to stay away from. All my "organic" food products are crap. They are all sitting there like little time bombs waiting to destroy my body.
But he did provide something that was so enlightening. Turns out I DON'T have a disease after all, thank you very much! I have a side effect! My body is talking to me and telling me that something is wrong. That the food I am eating is giving me a bad side effect. Hmmm...I think I like that! NO.. I LOVE THAT! For those of you who know, I hate thinking of myself as having a "disease" so this suits me just fine. Side effect? I can deal with that!!! I can overcome a side effect!
Ok God, here I am....once again...I'm in need of ressurection...and in need of some enlightenment. Help me. Help me process all this. Its overwhelming to think that I could have the power to change all this...especially when all i want to do is give up. It just seems like such hard work! And I just want things to be easy. But its not going to be easy is it? Nothing for me has ever been, why should this? Ok.
Life...get ready for change...
Ewww...
Its hard to take it all in.
Its hard to read his messages and not feel like, WHAT THE HELL??? I mean everything, EVERYTHING that I have eaten in my life basically is killing me! Wasn't food supposed to give life? Yeah our food here sucks and is all full of chemicals and bad crap, I've seen all those movies about why we should eat organic and why farm grass eating cows are better for you so I know that in America these big food companies really only care about money and not the quality of our lives so people like me develop Crohn's Disease and can't find anything to eat.
Whew! That was a long sentence!
But he did provide something that was so enlightening. Turns out I DON'T have a disease after all, thank you very much! I have a side effect! My body is talking to me and telling me that something is wrong. That the food I am eating is giving me a bad side effect. Hmmm...I think I like that! NO.. I LOVE THAT! For those of you who know, I hate thinking of myself as having a "disease" so this suits me just fine. Side effect? I can deal with that!!! I can overcome a side effect!
Ok God, here I am....once again...I'm in need of ressurection...and in need of some enlightenment. Help me. Help me process all this. Its overwhelming to think that I could have the power to change all this...especially when all i want to do is give up. It just seems like such hard work! And I just want things to be easy. But its not going to be easy is it? Nothing for me has ever been, why should this? Ok.
Life...get ready for change...
Ewww...
Reminder to Self
So people who "know" me know what I do for a living and know that above all else I LOVE what I do.
I haven't been able to "do" my job because of my present health situation but I received a phone call today that reminded me why I love what I do so much.
And it was nice.
And I needed the reminder.
One of THE MOST Inspirational People in my Life...and she doesn't even know me
It's not hard to see that I have what may be considered a mild obsession with all things Mia Michaels. I just think that she gets it. And by "it"' I mean me.
Watching her work is like...well there are no words. Each season of this show I wait for that moment when I get to watch one of her pieces...and then I let its movements linger in my mind for months. Because on some level its like she connects with your very soul. There you sit in your living room, bedroom, or wherever you are watching this master of artistry display movements that are so genius I often wonder if people really get that they are witnessing greatness!
To say that she is gifted is not giving her the credit she deserves. I know nothing about her really. I'm not one of those fans that will search for a website to tell me all about her life or what she believes or where she came from or what she's doing next. I don't want any "real" thing about her to enter my mind because on some level it will humanize this amazing force that is Mia. I want to keep her as my mind has selected to keep her...a freak of nature that God literally dropped here on Earth to deposit and display how creative God is.
To see a Mia Michaels piece is to see God, in my opinion. She just taps into a celestial level of movement. I have a friend who once commented to me that "Mia has to be or had been a 'believer' because she borders on being 'annointed!'" Well, I don't know if she is or was, but I get why my friend would think that; it's the same reason I believe it to be true. How can she birth such soul wrenching, mind-blowing, inspirational movement unless she has been "plugged in" to the divine at some point in her life? Truthfully, I don't care either way because God still manages to use her work to speak to me about something in my life...so yeah, she taps into the divine like a muthaf** lol. (inappropriate profanity alert)
If ever I was asked, "If you had the opportunity to meet a 3 people in person who have changed your life, whom you had never met before, who would you meet?" So easy...
1) Jesus...I mean c'mon could you imagine just meeting JESUS? Only, I would like to meet him at 3 key points in his life...at age 10, at age 20 and right before he started his work around age 30.
2) Job...the guy from the Bible that had it all...lost it all...and never cursed God. Not once. No matter what was taken away from him. I'll admit that this one is because of my present situation. Don't have a cow, I haven't been cursing God or anything like that, but I would just like to get into the head of someone else who suffered so much loss and utter shame and disappointment and talk to him.
3) The obvious choice, Mia Michaels. Ok so she's definitely a "character" in the Bible lol. But I would just love to sit and watch as she creates a piece. I remember, back when I used to choreograph, there is this silent language you develop within yourself and this conversation you have out loud with your dancers that makes them see, hear and feel what you are trying to get them to do. They may be technically superior to you but it is your description of the movement that will get them to move. I'd love to sit and watch her do that. I bet it would be like watching, I don't know, Picasso paint?
I am in awe of her really. During this challenging moment in my life where movement has betrayed me and "left" my body, it is her work that reminds me that those movements are out there and are possible. I don't think I'll ever meet her...and that's ok. I'll settle for the dances she allows me to see. So thanks Mia...you have helped this girl...dance again.
Even if its just in my head.
But I will dance again...one day...I know I will :)
Tuesday
Could it get any worse? Then it did....
(This is something I wrote earlier in the year (January?) and somehow never posted it....but i remember it clearly now...and why I wrote it...and the loser with the velcro it is dedicated to lol)
Meeting new people....
Ugh....
Meeting new people who waste my time and a perfectly good outfit....
FML
:)
Meeting new people....
Ugh....
Meeting new people who waste my time and a perfectly good outfit....
FML
:)
Not So Different
(Another blog I found in the "draft" box...wonder why I never posted it...but here it is none the less...this was like from Feb/March I think...hmmmm)
I read a blog today from someone I know.
I realized that people, no matter how different we may think we are, are not that different after all.
When I think of this person I tell myself that I couldn't be more different from her than a banana is to a car tire. But then I came to a grouping of blogs she wrote about her ex. I was amazed how incredibly similar my thoughts and musings were to hers. And so I found myself inspired to write this blog. This weekend has also created fodder for thought and blog lol. So many sensations and feelings I don't know where to begin. But I have realized that I have amazing friends. And that each of them in their own way make me a better person and make me wish that I had a little bit of their personalities as my own. I realize that I have so many different friends and yet when one speaks of heart ache or pain or loss those are universal feelings . I can wish with all my might that I am so different but I am not.
And what's wrong with recognizing the thing that you think are so cool about someone else? Like "I" for example. I wish I had her confidence and strength. I wish I had "B" sense of style and mystery. "D"s understanding of true dedicated friendship. "M"s love for fun and showing love for the one he loves. "E"s responsibility. "A"s politically correctness lol..."N"s who cares-I'm still having fun approach to life. I find it amazing that we can all exist in a space that is friendship.
And then there is "B-B". More than a friend. Who's stubbornness can impress lol. I wish I was as decided and steadfast as he is.
So back to this blog. Can it be that a girl who is so different from me really identify with those things that are dear and moving to my heart? Maybe...
I read a blog today from someone I know.
I realized that people, no matter how different we may think we are, are not that different after all.
When I think of this person I tell myself that I couldn't be more different from her than a banana is to a car tire. But then I came to a grouping of blogs she wrote about her ex. I was amazed how incredibly similar my thoughts and musings were to hers. And so I found myself inspired to write this blog. This weekend has also created fodder for thought and blog lol. So many sensations and feelings I don't know where to begin. But I have realized that I have amazing friends. And that each of them in their own way make me a better person and make me wish that I had a little bit of their personalities as my own. I realize that I have so many different friends and yet when one speaks of heart ache or pain or loss those are universal feelings . I can wish with all my might that I am so different but I am not.
And what's wrong with recognizing the thing that you think are so cool about someone else? Like "I" for example. I wish I had her confidence and strength. I wish I had "B" sense of style and mystery. "D"s understanding of true dedicated friendship. "M"s love for fun and showing love for the one he loves. "E"s responsibility. "A"s politically correctness lol..."N"s who cares-I'm still having fun approach to life. I find it amazing that we can all exist in a space that is friendship.
And then there is "B-B". More than a friend. Who's stubbornness can impress lol. I wish I was as decided and steadfast as he is.
So back to this blog. Can it be that a girl who is so different from me really identify with those things that are dear and moving to my heart? Maybe...
"This Bitter Earth/On The Nature of Daylight" Contemporary
When I first saw this piece by the legendary and uber-mindblowingly-talented Mia Michaels I cried for hours. I could not believe that someone had put into movement exactly what I had been feeling all along. It was as if she were in my head and had pulled out some version of my pain and struggle with my changing and eroding frame and matched it with music and dance.
She is....my goodness....I can't even find a word for what she is....she just IS. This piece has since brought me to my knees (when I can get there with no pain) and has become a symbol of the struggle I am facing. The words of the song are so powerful and so to the uttermost point of the depths of my very soul I could have written those lyrics. Her marriage of movement, phrase, arch, contracting and releasing of spirit in this piece shout my personal struggles. I thank her for being a vessel that is able to contain so much talent and creativity in such a small person. How she manages to contain it all without exploding or imploding...I'll never know. She is a genius beyond words.
And this piece is burned into the deep places of my heart longing for a moment when I can be that young dancer. Moving across the stage like a gazelle. Effortless, like air, like vapor, soaring higher and moving around all the space absorbing light and drawing it into himself.
If there is any doubt as to what my life feels like up till now...watch this piece and read the lyrics...it will tell you the story of Lisi's Pain:
This Bitter Earth
By: Dinah Washinton
This bitter earth
What fruit it bears
What good is love
That no one shares
And if my life is like the dust
That hides the glow of a rose
What good am I
Heaven only knows
This bitter Earth
Can it be so cold
Today you're young
Too soon your old
But while a voice
Within me cries
I'm sure someone
May answer my call
And this bitter earth
May not be so bitter after all
She is....my goodness....I can't even find a word for what she is....she just IS. This piece has since brought me to my knees (when I can get there with no pain) and has become a symbol of the struggle I am facing. The words of the song are so powerful and so to the uttermost point of the depths of my very soul I could have written those lyrics. Her marriage of movement, phrase, arch, contracting and releasing of spirit in this piece shout my personal struggles. I thank her for being a vessel that is able to contain so much talent and creativity in such a small person. How she manages to contain it all without exploding or imploding...I'll never know. She is a genius beyond words.
And this piece is burned into the deep places of my heart longing for a moment when I can be that young dancer. Moving across the stage like a gazelle. Effortless, like air, like vapor, soaring higher and moving around all the space absorbing light and drawing it into himself.
If there is any doubt as to what my life feels like up till now...watch this piece and read the lyrics...it will tell you the story of Lisi's Pain:
This Bitter Earth
By: Dinah Washinton
This bitter earth
What fruit it bears
What good is love
That no one shares
And if my life is like the dust
That hides the glow of a rose
What good am I
Heaven only knows
This bitter Earth
Can it be so cold
Today you're young
Too soon your old
But while a voice
Within me cries
I'm sure someone
May answer my call
And this bitter earth
May not be so bitter after all
Monday
Its been a while and there is too much to say...
I must admit that I have been very careless in keeping up with my blog.
And when that happens I end up writing this overly-long spouting of words that I find hard to read myself.
So how can I put in a few words all that has happened and is happening?
I was in the hospital.
Again
I was sick
Again
I was in horrible mind-numbing unexplainable pain
Again
And now I'm on all types of meds that have me feeling up and down and all around
Again
I looked back on a blog I wrote after one of my previous hospital stays and thought, "Damn, girl! You are always sick!"
So is this supposed to be my reality? Is this the life that has been chosen for me? Am I really supposed to accept that I just might possibly be one of "those" people who "lives" with an illness. Eww. ILLNESS. The word provokes more nausea than what I am commonly experiencing these days. The word by definition is:
A noun. Poor health resulting from disease of body or mind; sickness.
Appetising isn't it? I guess I am supposed to be ok with it? I mean lots of people have "illnesses" and do just fine! And my illness isn't contagious or life-threatening....well, it is really life-threatening but not in that "you've got cancer" kind of life-threatening way. At least that is what I tell myself.
But I guess I am supposed to be ok with and just accept it and just do what I'm supposed to do to "stay healthy" and then somehow by some amazing stroke of luck my life will be "normal" and I will go on and everything will be good. Isn't that right?
Well how come I don't feel like that?
Why do I feel like this is the worst thing ever and that this life I am being guaranteed sucks the biggest most unimaginable ass ever? How come I can't live REALLY like the "normal" people out there. I am totally channeling my inner 5 year old and having a great time throwing a tantrum about this and I have been repeating these same statements to friends and family members for a few weeks and have really received some interesting responses to it all.
I mean I get deep into my thoughts of "why me" and "this is not fair" and "why now" and "what does this mean for the rest of my life". And watch as the people around me squirm in their chairs and spout out to me the phrases and scriptures and words of "encouragement" that I was and have been well versed and trained to do in the very same situation. Growing up as a Christian believer...a true believer I KNOW all the right words. But I just find it amazing when people can't just for a moment allow the thoughts of utter frustration and being upset that I am exuding just to let them come out without saying a word.
I have started to believe that somewhere along the lines of being a Christian someone tells you that when you hear a "brother" or "sister" talking "negatively" you should immediately interrupt them and throw out every scripture about positivity, healing, or encouragement, and you must name ever spirit and demon that could possibly be "destroying your mind and perverting your thoughts with this negativity."
Whatever happened to just listening?
Listening
Listening to the person speak. Listening to their pain. Listening to their hurt. Listening to their questions and their fears. Without offering one single word. Without insisting that you have an answer they must not know or they wouldn't be saying these things! Whatever happened to just listening to someone pour their heart out?
I have poured my heart out to a few people about this "illness" and all that it brings and all that it has come to mean to me and all the fear that its presence evokes in my being that shakes me to my core. I have shared how I feel cheated and somehow I feel like I got dealt someone else's hand because surely THIS cannot be MY reality! I have teared up, welled-up and cried in front of some people who judged my tears as lack of faith or limiting God.
To date, there have been only two people that amazingly enough did not look at me with judgment. And spoke not a harsh word or criticism.
One is a dear mentor in my life that without her I would not be who I am today. Her words were like a salve on a burn. Like honey on the lips of someone who had never tasted sweetness. Her voice was like the aroma of fresh baked bread. Her thoughts pierced through the thick wall of pain and uncertainty and isolation that I was and am experiencing and without one word of "you should" she taught me that in all things no matter what, there can be moments of honey and sweetness and gentle love and a identifying of two souls who have longed for something different but life just didn't go that way. She taught me that I am not alone in my questions of "why" but that I can have goodness amidst a whirlwind of "why's". Thank you Clara. Right now, even though I am miles from where I was when you came and spoke to me and whispered those words in my ear I repeat them to myself and hope and pray that I can come to the place where I am ok with this. And that I can accept that.
I am NOT THERE YET.
But if....IF.....this "illness" is to be my life-long companion I will hold Clara's sweet words in my heart that "Its not over for you Lisi". And that my life is meant for something greater and that even though all this is happening and I am living through this version of hell on earth I am not abandoned and I am not alone. And HE did not forget me or turn his back on me or do this to hurt me.
So until I get to the point where I am ok with my "illness" GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ABOUT IT.
The second individual who spoke to me and pierced my hard and hurt heart came in the form a young flip-flop wearing cool new gadget I-phone looking too young to be a pastor, pastor. I must admit this one was a shock. Cause really, when you think about it...if anyone is going to jump all over you with scripture about how negative you are being and how you need to rebuke this or that and wave a bible in my face and pound his fist....well, unfortunately, usually, that comes in the form of some pastor whose doing "God's Work" of reminding you what a bad christian you are because you are not holding to the word of God.
Instead I was greeted with a warm smile. And a friendly hand shake and he sat in that dark room with me....and he listened. He listed to my silly rants of how painful my body felt and how horrible this was and how alone I felt and how miserable this whole thing was and on and on I went telling him and I was waiting for the moment. Just waiting for the moment when he would become "that pastor" and jump all over me with scripture that I could quote right back at him. But he didn't. In came that sweet aroma again. That gentle wave of empathy.
Empathy.
Not sympathy because they are so different.
But a true empathy. And he reminded me of a story that I have heard and read about many times. But its relevance to my life hit me like a kick to my chest that sent shock waves through me that I still to this day feel. What's cool about this is that you know, I mean you REALLY know someone is speaking to you by God...and that those words are REALLY for you....because he probably doesn't even remember telling me this story lol. But it was so direct. And made so much sense. His name is Pastor Leo Acosta.
You see, Clara and Leo tapped into that very subtle and elusive part of Christianity that is real. Its that part of being a Christian that REALLY draws people in. Its definitely the part or character Jesus must of had or else why would he be any different than any of the other preachers out there? Leo's story reminded me that God could use me and would do his will with my life even if my physical body could not move and could not perform in the way that I was used to it performing.
So both he and Clara with words of gentleness and clarity reminded me that this body that I feel so TRAPPED in....that I feel does not belong to me....that causes me so much drama and pain....this body CAN still work. And will still work...in spite of myself...even if its "sleeping" or "unusable". This "damaged" "illness-stricken" body is still worth something.
While others with whom I have spoken to have meant well. And while they with fever and zeal have shared their heart and have tried to make me see that I am just in this funky pity party of one and to get over it, they never took the time to just LISTEN. When we listen to someones problem, story, situation...and really hear with an open heart this amazing thing happens. Our heart begins to beat in time with that bleeding heart with that aching soul and we become in line in some way and are able to empathize with that persons situation thus giving us clarity of thought so that our words are gentle and sweet and filled with light and truth and....
FREEDOM
I cannot lie to you and tell you that I am anywhere near the place of acceptance or freedom or clarity or whatever....but because of those two people....today....right now....feeling as crappy and alone as I feel I hear their words in my heart and it pushes me to believe that tomorrow will be better and that I am not alone.
So this blog I dedicate to two real Christians...yes, ladies and gentlemen there are still REAL Christians out there!
Thank you Clara and Leo for listening...for hearing the pain and fear involved in my head and heart and for not judging me. But for speaking to me. Your words will never fall to the ground....but will remain in my heart....and hopefully one day soon I will come to that place where I can say...
Now I'm free
And when that happens I end up writing this overly-long spouting of words that I find hard to read myself.
So how can I put in a few words all that has happened and is happening?
I was in the hospital.
Again
I was sick
Again
I was in horrible mind-numbing unexplainable pain
Again
And now I'm on all types of meds that have me feeling up and down and all around
Again
I looked back on a blog I wrote after one of my previous hospital stays and thought, "Damn, girl! You are always sick!"
So is this supposed to be my reality? Is this the life that has been chosen for me? Am I really supposed to accept that I just might possibly be one of "those" people who "lives" with an illness. Eww. ILLNESS. The word provokes more nausea than what I am commonly experiencing these days. The word by definition is:
A noun. Poor health resulting from disease of body or mind; sickness.
Appetising isn't it? I guess I am supposed to be ok with it? I mean lots of people have "illnesses" and do just fine! And my illness isn't contagious or life-threatening....well, it is really life-threatening but not in that "you've got cancer" kind of life-threatening way. At least that is what I tell myself.
But I guess I am supposed to be ok with and just accept it and just do what I'm supposed to do to "stay healthy" and then somehow by some amazing stroke of luck my life will be "normal" and I will go on and everything will be good. Isn't that right?
Well how come I don't feel like that?
Why do I feel like this is the worst thing ever and that this life I am being guaranteed sucks the biggest most unimaginable ass ever? How come I can't live REALLY like the "normal" people out there. I am totally channeling my inner 5 year old and having a great time throwing a tantrum about this and I have been repeating these same statements to friends and family members for a few weeks and have really received some interesting responses to it all.
I mean I get deep into my thoughts of "why me" and "this is not fair" and "why now" and "what does this mean for the rest of my life". And watch as the people around me squirm in their chairs and spout out to me the phrases and scriptures and words of "encouragement" that I was and have been well versed and trained to do in the very same situation. Growing up as a Christian believer...a true believer I KNOW all the right words. But I just find it amazing when people can't just for a moment allow the thoughts of utter frustration and being upset that I am exuding just to let them come out without saying a word.
I have started to believe that somewhere along the lines of being a Christian someone tells you that when you hear a "brother" or "sister" talking "negatively" you should immediately interrupt them and throw out every scripture about positivity, healing, or encouragement, and you must name ever spirit and demon that could possibly be "destroying your mind and perverting your thoughts with this negativity."
Whatever happened to just listening?
Listening
Listening to the person speak. Listening to their pain. Listening to their hurt. Listening to their questions and their fears. Without offering one single word. Without insisting that you have an answer they must not know or they wouldn't be saying these things! Whatever happened to just listening to someone pour their heart out?
I have poured my heart out to a few people about this "illness" and all that it brings and all that it has come to mean to me and all the fear that its presence evokes in my being that shakes me to my core. I have shared how I feel cheated and somehow I feel like I got dealt someone else's hand because surely THIS cannot be MY reality! I have teared up, welled-up and cried in front of some people who judged my tears as lack of faith or limiting God.
To date, there have been only two people that amazingly enough did not look at me with judgment. And spoke not a harsh word or criticism.
One is a dear mentor in my life that without her I would not be who I am today. Her words were like a salve on a burn. Like honey on the lips of someone who had never tasted sweetness. Her voice was like the aroma of fresh baked bread. Her thoughts pierced through the thick wall of pain and uncertainty and isolation that I was and am experiencing and without one word of "you should" she taught me that in all things no matter what, there can be moments of honey and sweetness and gentle love and a identifying of two souls who have longed for something different but life just didn't go that way. She taught me that I am not alone in my questions of "why" but that I can have goodness amidst a whirlwind of "why's". Thank you Clara. Right now, even though I am miles from where I was when you came and spoke to me and whispered those words in my ear I repeat them to myself and hope and pray that I can come to the place where I am ok with this. And that I can accept that.
I am NOT THERE YET.
But if....IF.....this "illness" is to be my life-long companion I will hold Clara's sweet words in my heart that "Its not over for you Lisi". And that my life is meant for something greater and that even though all this is happening and I am living through this version of hell on earth I am not abandoned and I am not alone. And HE did not forget me or turn his back on me or do this to hurt me.
So until I get to the point where I am ok with my "illness" GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ABOUT IT.
The second individual who spoke to me and pierced my hard and hurt heart came in the form a young flip-flop wearing cool new gadget I-phone looking too young to be a pastor, pastor. I must admit this one was a shock. Cause really, when you think about it...if anyone is going to jump all over you with scripture about how negative you are being and how you need to rebuke this or that and wave a bible in my face and pound his fist....well, unfortunately, usually, that comes in the form of some pastor whose doing "God's Work" of reminding you what a bad christian you are because you are not holding to the word of God.
Instead I was greeted with a warm smile. And a friendly hand shake and he sat in that dark room with me....and he listened. He listed to my silly rants of how painful my body felt and how horrible this was and how alone I felt and how miserable this whole thing was and on and on I went telling him and I was waiting for the moment. Just waiting for the moment when he would become "that pastor" and jump all over me with scripture that I could quote right back at him. But he didn't. In came that sweet aroma again. That gentle wave of empathy.
Empathy.
Not sympathy because they are so different.
But a true empathy. And he reminded me of a story that I have heard and read about many times. But its relevance to my life hit me like a kick to my chest that sent shock waves through me that I still to this day feel. What's cool about this is that you know, I mean you REALLY know someone is speaking to you by God...and that those words are REALLY for you....because he probably doesn't even remember telling me this story lol. But it was so direct. And made so much sense. His name is Pastor Leo Acosta.
You see, Clara and Leo tapped into that very subtle and elusive part of Christianity that is real. Its that part of being a Christian that REALLY draws people in. Its definitely the part or character Jesus must of had or else why would he be any different than any of the other preachers out there? Leo's story reminded me that God could use me and would do his will with my life even if my physical body could not move and could not perform in the way that I was used to it performing.
So both he and Clara with words of gentleness and clarity reminded me that this body that I feel so TRAPPED in....that I feel does not belong to me....that causes me so much drama and pain....this body CAN still work. And will still work...in spite of myself...even if its "sleeping" or "unusable". This "damaged" "illness-stricken" body is still worth something.
While others with whom I have spoken to have meant well. And while they with fever and zeal have shared their heart and have tried to make me see that I am just in this funky pity party of one and to get over it, they never took the time to just LISTEN. When we listen to someones problem, story, situation...and really hear with an open heart this amazing thing happens. Our heart begins to beat in time with that bleeding heart with that aching soul and we become in line in some way and are able to empathize with that persons situation thus giving us clarity of thought so that our words are gentle and sweet and filled with light and truth and....
FREEDOM
I cannot lie to you and tell you that I am anywhere near the place of acceptance or freedom or clarity or whatever....but because of those two people....today....right now....feeling as crappy and alone as I feel I hear their words in my heart and it pushes me to believe that tomorrow will be better and that I am not alone.
So this blog I dedicate to two real Christians...yes, ladies and gentlemen there are still REAL Christians out there!
Thank you Clara and Leo for listening...for hearing the pain and fear involved in my head and heart and for not judging me. But for speaking to me. Your words will never fall to the ground....but will remain in my heart....and hopefully one day soon I will come to that place where I can say...
Now I'm free
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