I read blog after blog, looking for inspiration, seeing what else is out there, trying to get a glimpse of someone else's mind and thoughts only to come to the weird realization that I feel almost inadequate in some way. Its like maybe the words I have chosen are not deep enough, compelling enough or inspirational enough. I found myself looking back on some of the things I've read and I can't help but wonder, "Am I the only one reading this?"

Probably

My original intent in writing this blog was clear, its not for anyone. I don't care if anyone reads it or sees it or ever comments on it at all. But sitting here alone in the darkness of my room, my TV flickering in the background and my fish tank making that bubbling noise I realize that there is this tiny fraction of myself that would like someone to read all this nonsense. I would like it if someone commented or shared or told me how silly I was being or how random my thoughts were or how I should just get over something that I keep mentioning.

Is that what we are all looking for? Someone to notice?

Sometimes I feel like no matter how loud I yell people don't really listen. Maybe its because I don't even know what I am yelling about. Maybe because all the words I speak are so buffudeled and full of jibberish I don't even get. I'd still like for someone to listen. Tonight on my drive home I realized that I am full of words with no sounding board. I want to say so much about so many things and have no one to say them to.

Its like being in a crowded room with no one to really talk to. Even when I'm around friends I wonder, are they even listening to me? Is anyone? I grew up believing that God always listens...I still believe that. But, oh, how I long for an answer, a comment, a message. Something that says, "yeah, I heard you."

Or even to feel like someone really SEES me. You know, SEES me? Like the me I really am. The me that wants to say so much and has so much to say about nothing much in particular. I wish someone could just really see me and decide, "Hell, I'll stick around". I'm tired of feeling inadequate and abandoned and not seen or heard. This road is getting lonely and I am tired of yelling for companionship.

As I write this I know that in a day or two it would have been my eyes, and mine alone that would have seen these words. That in the vastness of the internet my little blog got lost. That the likelyhood that someone would read all this and think, "well, here is someone who has something to say" is bleek. I get that I may never have loads of people who will follow my blog, or a list of comments to read through as I revel in how people perceive my words. But kill me if I still hope!

So I write on...

Maybe my blogs are not clever little snitbits of thoughts. Maybe my stuff doesn't have a cool picture added that I took with my cool camera in this ornate angle. Maybe my words aren't oozing with poetry or some profound thought. Maybe there is nothing political, life-changing, inspirational, earth shattering, profound, or awe-inspiring. Maybe, after all, they are just the words of a girl who is still trying to figure herself out. I am still trying to figure out stuff that to me...just doesn't make sense. So ok, let me ramble alittle about that stuff:

Things I don't get:

- I don't get why when it rains I hate the smell of when its coming but love the feel of when its here

- I don't get why one moment I can be soooo tired and almost falling over with sleep and as soon as I get into my bed all sleepiness escapes me

- I don't get why the nails on my right hand grow faster, stronger and longer than on my left

- I don't get why I see myself as an adult and a child all the time but when people see me as one or the other it infuriates me

- I don't get why I resent and love my family equally

- I don't get how someone can forget me so quickly and their cologne still lingers in my nose

- I don't get why the foods I love can kill me

- I don't get why no one gets me yet

- I don't get why my car engine light is on one minute and then off the next, should I be worried?

- I don't get why feel more relaxed at work than I do at home

- I don't get why everything for me seems to take SOOOOO long

- I don't get why it works for some and not for me

- I don't get why I keep secretly hoping you'll come back only to have the satisfaction of rejecting you when I know deep in my heart you standing there in front of me is what I have always wanted

- I don't get why I am such an extremist

- I don't get why things that feel, taste, and smell so good are most often really bad for you

- I don't get why my finances just never seem to find the break I need

- I don't get what the hell happened to the people I thought I knew

- I don't get why I hate the smell of vanilla yet love vanilla ice cream

- I don't get why I am in this spot again and again

- I don't get why I just can't seem to get this "adult" thing right

- I don't get what people see in the show Sienfeld, I just don't find that kind of humor funny...sorry

- I don't get why I hate where I am now and have not the ability to change it

- I don't get why I stopped believing in fairy tales even though I desperately would love to

- I don't get men

- I don't get my family

- I don't get love

- I don't get me...