Time to think

I've had time to think and wonder and go over this one thought in my head more times than I can count.

Even though I STILL can't make heads or tails of it I do know this...

Nothing can change all I experienced. Nothing can erase all the things shared...even for the brief moments I had them in my presence. Its like a dream you never want to wake up from. That's what it will always be for me.

And though now, with time etching and ticking away, I know I can never return to the what was, I am comforted in knowing I had it...even for the briefest moment.

Yes, I am coming to grips with the reality that its short life on this earth was just a fleeting moment, one I may never get to experience again. And I know I have to be ok with that. I have to force myself to understand that it is what it is, and it was what it was and for whatever reason (though I STILL have no clue nor a full and complete understanding as to why) it will never return.

Damn.

But it was a great ride.

And I won't forget that. I guess I should start learning to appreciate moments for what they are, moments. However short...however long...however meaningful they were. Even if at the end of the day they were more meaningful to me...I should be grateful I got the chance to smile that much...to love that hard...to embrace someone so dear.

And yes, loss hurts...it sucks actually. But maybe there is something to that statement, "Its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all". I had that moment in my hand for such a short time...and even now, with questions still fresh in my mind and conclusions I have made on my own it will never erase that it was good.

There was never a moment, never, not once, when in that time for me it was not sheer bliss. Amazing. How many people can say that? Most people wait their entire lives to have something like that happen, and I did. I had a piece of what heaven and true bliss were like. It was brief, and now its gone, but no one can take from me that I had it.

And at the end of the day...only I know the truth. I know what was real. I know that ever word I spoke was real and honest and transparent. Maybe I didn't do everything perfectly or in the right way or in the right time but I never will regret what felt so wonderful. And it was.

Maybe, just maybe I will get the answers. Maybe one day I will know what REALLY happened. But I have to push myself to move to accepting that even if that never happens (and by what it looks like - it won't) I have to console myself with the belief that it was not my fault. I did nothing wrong.

I gave, I shared, I cared, I was unselfish, I was there, I was considerate...I was in love...

Even if it was just...for a moment.

You REALLY wanna know?

You want to know what gets under my skin and crawls around beneath it only to fester and rot there? People...no, not "people" because that would be to broad...MEN...yes, MEN who are like a freaking mentally retarded confusing and unclear blankity-blank-blank-blanks!!!

I mean how in all the world am I supposed to find my way through the maze of some guys mind when I am having trouble getting trough my own???

Do me a favor men....stop finding me! Stop looking for me. Stop finding in me the "answer". Cause usually the answer is that I am not the one even after you told me I was and you have told me so many times that I was the one you are now too confused to function! Stop with the, "you're my best friend" crap....I am NOT your best friend...cause you would not even treat an enemy like that so don't give me that bull!

Stop with the, "I suddenly realize that you are the one for me". Sure! I look pretty good in the arms of another don't I??? That's all it is. Wanting what you can't have even though at one time you thought you had it. Why is it that as soon as something becomes "unavailable" it becomes amazingly attractive?

I am so tired of being honest and being real about who I am and then having some guy act shocked later about when I display the behavior I WAS CLEAR ABOUT FROM THE BEGINING??? Where you not listening? What or who did you think you were dealing with? I am TIRED of changing who I am to accomodate someones timeframe, life experience, trama, problem, situation, and bullshit...cause after I do...it blows up in my face.

Stop writing me letters telling me what I SHOULD have done or what I SHOULD have said or how much more I COULD have been! Stop telling me that I was so great and wonderful and so perfect and yet so wrong. Stop dumping all your problems and worries and frustrations and venting all your crap all over me and when you have exhausted every word you could possibly utter leave me drowning in the sea of your vomit! Where now do I go to vent? With whom do I share all my grief and saddness?

Stop trying to find yourself, your answers, your future, your happiness, your next whatever...IN ME!

I am TIRED of the games...the confusion...the lies...the broken promises. I am tired of having to explain myself and who I am again and again and again! I am tired of having to tell someone to have the most BASIC of human courtesies...decency and consideration. Where you taught NOTHING as children? Did not someone tell you that you should not play with the heart of another? I am SO OVER meeting the guy who needs me for a minute and not for and hour, a month, a year or a lifetime. I am tired of having to teach men as if they were boys. I am tired of having this kind of elementary conversation, "Now, if you are feeling this....you should say this...and if you are feeling that...you should say that." Whatever happened to JUST SAYING THE TRUTH!!!!! Why oh why does it have be dragged out of you? Why do I have to wait soooooo freaking long to have you say, "I lied". Dammit, I would have so much more respect for a person who just spoke the truth.

I am so over the "yo ma's" and "ay mami's" and all the other one liners. I am tired of men not being MAN ENOUGH to say what he means and MEAN WHAT HE SAYS. I swear I know of only ONE...ONE...ONE GUY who ever (at least at the inception) appeared to have the vocabulary and the heart worth being around...can it possibly be true that it is such a rarity amoung the male species to posses a character trait of being considerate???? Is it such an insurmountable task to be considerate of anothers feelings? To not toy with someone's heart? To not say words you don't really, really, REALLY mean???

Don't come back to me later with a long ass tired letter or a rambling of words of all the reasons why I ruined this "perfect" thing or why now all of the sudden you realized I was not your "soul mate". How in the name of all that is holy am I supposed to know when I am trying to figure out if YOU are MY "forever"!!!!!!!!

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE spare me the lies. Spare me the words that ooze melodrama and romance. The words that tickle the ears but scorch the heart. Spare me the great times, and the flowing drinks, and the inside jokes, and the morning kisses if its NOT REAL!!! Spare me the "I love you's" with question marks in your eyes, and the forevers and great hugs...they mean nothing if they weren't real.


IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT THEN...YOU WON'T MEAN IT NOW...and I am TIRED of PRAYING AND HOPING THAT YOU DO!!!!

I give up...I surrender...I don't get men...and they will never have me

ever again...

That part of my heart....is now closed...forever.

Pat yourself on the back...you closed the door.

Two Steps forward, Two Steps BACK....Still in the same place

Its like I'm walking in a circle really. Not really moving. Just standing still rocking side to side giving myself the ILLUSION of movement. It would be an interesting dance actually. One where all the dancers do this amazing choreography standing in on spot...never moving...yet moving all around.

I can see it in my head.

That is how I feel. I am out of the hospital now. Back in my room...on my laptop...writing. Just like I did so many months ago. Only this time, there is no one to help speed my recovery. No goal to meet other than to get well enough to get back to work. I remember last time I had the whole world at my fingertips and the outstretched hand of another waiting to walk through it with me. Now its all gone. And I am back to where I started.

Maybe God is trying to give me a "do-over"? Maybe I messed things up somehow the last time so now he is trying to give me the opportunity to make up for it? Could God be so merciful that he lets tragedy happen again so as to give us the opportunity to do things better this time around? Sounds insane that I would call this "mercy". But if it was a "do-over" then maybe He is being merciful to me. Maybe He is letting me try this new life again.

After all, looking back I did go back to some of my old habits. Habits that messed me up in the first place. Why did I go back? I don't know. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted a little bit of the old to fit into the new. Maybe I missed some of the old. There are certainly LOTS of "old" things that I never repeated (thank God). But I kept a few things around for the heck of it...yeah and it got me into trouble, yet again.

So maybe this new direction or this "do-over" is my opportunity to get things right. I just wish I had that hand to hold again. I miss that hand. I miss those strong fingers and happy eyes. I miss looking into them and I miss the laughter and thoughtfulness that emanated from them. For now, they are just a distant memory. But damn, how I miss them.

Now that I am back to where I started I need to make some choices. Will I fall into the temptation of dragging the things that SHOULD be left behind with me? The easy answer is "no". Will I still hold on to the hope that the person I still feel so much for will join me in this new/old/do-over version of my life? Am I allowed a new do-over if I mess up again? lol

Whatever the case may be and whatever this experiential d0-over brings I hope it will be better than the last time...

Even though the last time was...

Well dammit...It was great!

Back....Again

Here I am in the place I've been trying to avoid...the hospital.
I know I should do better about the things I KNOW I'm supposed to stay away from...but lately, I have been on this "I'm invincible" kick, its kinda stupid.

So here I am, when I should be out there amongst the living and working. Laying here is infuriating! All I have in the world to think about here are all the things I have been working so hard to forget! Its a vicious torture!

On top of the pain I feel I have to deal with memories. The fact that I am still dealing with certain issues sickens me. So I will try to get better in my mind and in my body. Life is to short to waste lying here in bed sik...or lying here questioning and wondering about my past.

Its time to move, or push, or thrust myself forward....

I am over this...or at least I have to be