Once upon a time there was a girl....



A girl who felt too much...

A girl who believed too much...

A girl who knew too much...

A girl who hoped too much...

A girl who laughed too much...

A girl who talked too much...

A girl who smiled too much...

A girl who expected too much...

A girl who dealt with too much...

A girl who opened her heart too much...

A girl who let others hurt her too much...

A girl who prayed too much...

A girl who waited...and waited...and waited....too much...



And they killed her.

Unexplainable

There are just some things I cannot explain.  And though the thought of this infuriates me, as I love to act like I know EVERYTHING, I realize that there are just some topics, some areas, some things I cannot explain.

Its frustrating.

Especially when I see someone hurting.  And they are asking me why they are hurting, and I KNOW the answer, but the answer is not what they want to hear.  It's not what they can receive.  So then I'm stuck in this moment saying something completely unintelligible like, "Well, because..."  THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER!  I wouldn't take that as an answer!

But how the hell do you tell a person an answer that they DO NOT want to hear.  That they refuse to accept. That they tell you over and over again can't possibly be the answer??????????

Ok...I need to go back to the basics.  Back to the truth of the moment and see what is really happening.

Our world is hurting.  People are hurting.  People are searching for an answer as to why they are hurt.  And they are not looking so much for an answer as to why they got hurt, but more so why when being hurt, did others hurt them more.  Or why they felt as if they were alone.

I need to seriously try to understand that concept.

What does it feel like to be alone?

What does it feel like to be abandoned?

What does it feel like to cry out for help...and no one answers?

Even in my most darkest moments.  Even during the times I felt so afraid and I felt consumed by the darkest situation...I don't think I can ever really say that I ever REALLY felt abandoned or alone.  I've never felt that.  I don't know what it feels like to be completely and utterly alone.  I don't know what it feels like to call out and have no one answer.

I know its because He's always been there.  I know that even when there was no hope around...there was.  I know that when all seemed to fail....He didn't.  So how can I speak this and make it make sense to someone whose heart feels and has felt abandoned by the one I'm saying won't ever abandon or leave us?

All the theology and scripture and "proof" and evidence and bickering back and forth will never make someone who feels alone....feel that they are not.

I guess some people can call me lucky.  I guess some people can look at me and say, "Well you must be some special person if when you called Him, He came."  But is that right?  What is it about me that "made it work"?  What is it about what I do or did that made Him BE THERE...ALWAYS?

I can say "belief".  But that's too....simplistic.  Because the abandoned can say, "Well, there was a time I believed."  So how do you answer a heart that is yearning for truth, and for....love.  That there is love to be found.  And its not hidden or secret or so mystically out of reach that its almost impossible to grasp.

How can I explain the Jesus I know?

How can I look at someone who is so great at keeping love out and keeping feeling away, and show them the God that I know?  Because it didn't "work" for them.  God didn't work for them.  Jesus didn't work for them.

But it did for me.

So I still don't have an answer.  I still have nothing profound to impart that will miraculously change anyones thinking.  And I know all the "right" answers.  But what if all those answers, still fall on ears that feel betrayed by God?

Now I'll pray for wisdom.  I'll pray for gentleness.  I'll pray for and open heart and open ears to hear the wounded.  Not so I can provide an answer...because clearly I can't.  But maybe....with the love I give....maybe with the embrace I offer.....maybe with the heart I open up.....I can show that I have all of that to give....Because HE has given it to me.

Maybe that's the answer.  People have hurt you.  People have betrayed you.  But the God of Love who lives in my heart will never let me mistreat you like that...and maybe if you see love through me...maybe you can see God's love for you.

Is that grandiose? Is that ridiculous?

Maybe all that I've been through in my life...all the pain and the tears and the struggle....and still never feeling alone....never blaming God....never turning my back on him...brought me to a place where I understand His love for me....

And now its time to share it....

God, please help me.  And speak your words of love and life through my lips...lest I fail miserably.

Moment Over

I had a revelation...

I had a moment where I stepped outside myself in order to talk to myself.


I had a one on one with me.


And I told my self to cut the crap.


I was letting so many days and weeks of peace and joy slip through my fingers because I was forgetting that when I try to carry my own burdens and worries, DAMN, they weigh a lot.


So after a loving tongue-lashing to myself I dropped the weight of those worries right where they belong...in His hands.


Man that was freeing!


So, like I told my sister...I had a moment.  And now its over.  And I feel great because I realize that I don't have to carry these things AT ALL.  I don't have to worry about them or sort them out or figure them out or will myself to "make things happen".


I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.


All I have to do is surrender all those thing that I think are so important and oh, so vital for me to have "now" or later or never or when the hell ever to the only person I know who can do it for me.  The only one who can work it out and give it back to me all shiny and new and ready to be received...God.


It's amazing.  I just have to let it go.  Cause in the end He only wants good for me anyways. So anything "good" I want for me I'm gonna get anyway cause He's just that cool and loving.  Anything that I need to get rid of I don't need to get rid of on my own...I just say, "I'm letting it go, please get rid of it for me" and He does.  I  don't have to say, "I'm going for that and I won't stop till I get it!" all I gotta say is, "Can I have it Daddy?" and there it is!  So I put myself through a moment of confusion and frustration....but amazingly...

It was worth it.

Cause when I forget....He reminds me....and then I fall in love with Him all over again cause I remember that I always knew how great He was and is...and I have nothing to worry about anymore.


And I am happy that I, me, Lisi....I don't need to have the power to do squat...I don't need the energy or strength or posses any qualities that others think I need to get anything for my life....all I need is a God who loves me enough to move the skies for me and I am perfect.


And that....that is what you call....


Freedom :)

confusion

It has been a long while...


A very long while....


Since I wrote down anything that was worth writing or speaking about.  But as of lately I have realized that once again there are things here that I have left open-ended and undone.  Things I should have finished that sit and collect dust around me as I turn my focus on other projects.  All the while however there are specific things that keep going round and round and round.  Things that today, came crumbling down on the landscape of my mind reminding me that I am still in the same place I was before...


Confused.


I am confused about that feeling I feel that I am desperately trying to avoid feeling.


I am confused about how I feel when I am around that specific thing that provokes that feeling and what I am supposed to do with that feeling once I walk away from it.


I am confused by the lights and flashes and thoughts in my mind that appear during a conversation where I shouldn't be thinking of that feeling yet there it is...nagging at me....making me...feel.


I am confused about the feeling of this feeling and how it feels when I try not to feel it at all.  


I am confused about how one minute I think I am not the only one feeling this feeling and then suddenly realize that I just might be. 


I am confused at how up and down and all around me this feeling feels and yet some moments I feel like I have no feeling at all.


I am confused about how confusing this feeling is.


After all of that I realize that there is something more critical at this point.  A fact I am faced with.  A harsh reality.  The confusion has been festering because I keep trying to deny this damn feeling.  I tell myself that my denial of it is for my benefit, but upon further reflection and self-analysis I realize, no, it is of no benefit to me to deny this thing.  In fact, it is completely un-beneficial.  I have in NO WAY benefited from pushing this feeling down, away, out of my mind and out of my sight.  All it does is find a way back and I end up dwelling on how much I don't feel what I really feel.


Ugh....


The truth is, it makes me tired.  So tired that I have decided to just let it go and keep being confused because the alternative....yeah, that would be just....I don't even know.  I have been disarmed today and I don't like that feeling.  


On another note....I had some recent inspiration to continue writing my book so I will get back to doing that...maybe that will be a better distraction.  Yeah....I'll do that.


*Sigh*