I've got some really cool jazz music playing and I am sipping some wine just to relax. But my mind is going in so many directions. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions; my mind is at least. Things I want to do. Things I don't want to do. Things I think about all the time. Things I forget that suddenly jump in between the things I remember and mess me up. Round and round my mind goes.
To many thoughts to sit down and read. To many jumbled images to really have any meaning to this blog. I have that feeling again. That feeling of being alone in a room screaming and no one hears me. Ok, truth is I know what's bothering me. I've been thinking about it for days now and I can't seem to let it go. I try thinking of all this other stuff to pile over this one thought so that I don't have to think it anymore.
But there it is again. Fighting its ugly way to the forefront of my mind. I have tried to forget that time in my life. Have you ever tried to do that? But the more you try to forget you realize that in the effort it throws the thought right at you? I have moved on from that place in so many ways. But there is still a lingering, why? I hate that after all this time I am still dealing with that stupid why. It nags at me every chance it gets. I try with all I can to forget that moment in time when it all came crashing down on top of me. All the joy and all the pain. All at once it came toppling over. I guess what I still deal with is the feeling that it was not fair.
It wasn't fair that it happened to me. I didn't deserve it. I did everything "right". But here I am in this solitary place surround by people passing me by. Unnoticed and feeling small. And it sucks! And the only company, if you could call it that, is that freakin WHY. I feel like if there was a way to go back in time and do it again, that is the one thing in my life that I would like a do-over on. I have never regretted anything in my life. I see it as a learning experience. But this one thing. Oh, how I wish it would be forever erased from my very existence. I know many will say that it was necessary for my growth or to lead me to this place. But I don't care. I wish with every wish that I would have never allowed myself to be put into that place at that moment.
And now to add insult to injury. The moving on I have so desperately sought after has found someone...else. And in its wake left me with that damn WHY. Sitting here, listening to the music play and sway me. Watching my wine glass deplete itself with less and less drink I wonder. I wonder if revenge or justice will ever really happen. Revenge is a strong word. But I think its appropriate. I was the victim. And yet the cause of that pain is now free. And I am chained to WHY.
I wish to free myself from why's grip. From the hand that holds me like a vice. I wish I could. Then I could forget the feelings from that time. The pain. But most importantly the joys, which left the why to torture me now.
Perhaps my mind wasn't so cluttered after all. Maybe it just took some guts on my part to acknowledge what I know has been bothering me for so long. When, God? When will I be proven wrong? When will all the leftovers finally finish and I don't have to sit here any longer? When will I get some justice? Right now it all seems so unfair. I struggle and the wicked rejoice and have plenty. I am so tired.
I will settle for nothing, if I can just get rid of the why.
I don't know...I just want to know....why.
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