It kinda sucks...

So I just don't know what is wrong with me lol.

I have yet to be proven wrong yet feel that I am desperate to experience someone's attempt.

I don't know.

What am I putting out there...or not putting out there for that matter that has me on such a mission?  People around me smile with joy over new things.  I sit with a confused look on my face.  Is it me? What needs to change?

I took one teeny tiny step towards change yesterday.  Well, a change for me.  I took this deep stretching aka yoga class thing yesterday.  It felt AMAZING!  I felt as if someone had blown tiny pockets of expanding air into my body.  I can't wait to try it again actually.  I am looking forward to it tonight.  Its weird because I feel like I am really releasing a bunch of crap.  Like I am just letting it go.

Maybe that's what needs to change.  Just to let go and really (ok here comes the cliche) let God take control.  Feeling my body move in that way reminds me of a time long ago when dancing was as effortless as breathing.  Its funny to see how a body that is so not used to movement and stretch differs SO very much from what once was lol.  I was amazed how much I have lost my flexibility!

But back to my original topic.  I don't know what is taking so long.  I don't know why I am still frustrated with the same damn issue.  When does it get fixed? When does it get better?  I am over it...or am I just giving up.

I surrender.....they win!

I did it!!!!!

and now I am free!!!!

I feel such a sense of release and freedom!!!!!

Thank God THAT IS OVER!!!!

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Never again...the "they's" can have that crap!  I will stick to the traditional waiting...ahhhhh...sweet patience....so welcome today

On to the idea :)

I don't know...

I am sitting here, not tired at all, trying to find something to do.

I've got some really cool jazz music playing and I am sipping some wine just to relax.  But my mind is going in so many directions.  I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions; my mind is at least.  Things I want to do.  Things I don't want to do.  Things I think about all the time.  Things I forget that suddenly jump in between the things I remember and mess me up.  Round and round my mind goes.

To many thoughts to sit down and read.  To many jumbled images to really have any meaning to this blog.  I have that feeling again.  That feeling of being alone in a room screaming and no one hears me.  Ok, truth is I know what's bothering me.  I've been thinking about it for days now and I can't seem to let it go.  I try thinking of all this other stuff to pile over this one thought so that I don't have to think it anymore.

But there it is again.  Fighting its ugly way to the forefront of my mind.  I have tried to forget that time in my life.  Have you ever tried to do that? But the more you try to forget you realize that in the effort it throws the thought right at you?  I have moved on from that place in so many ways.  But there is still a lingering, why?  I hate that after all this time I am still dealing with that stupid why.  It nags at me every chance it gets.  I try with all I can to forget that moment in time when it all came crashing down on top of me.  All the joy and all the pain.  All at once it came toppling over.  I guess what I still deal with is the feeling that it was not fair.

It wasn't fair that it happened to me.  I didn't deserve it.  I did everything "right".  But here I am in this solitary place surround by people passing me by.  Unnoticed and feeling small.  And it sucks!  And the only company, if you could call it that, is that freakin WHY.  I feel like if there was a way to go back in time and do it again, that is the one thing in my life that I would like a do-over on.  I have never regretted anything in my life.  I see it as a learning experience.  But this one thing.  Oh, how I wish it would be forever erased from my very existence.  I know many will say that it was necessary for my growth or to lead me to this place.  But I don't care.  I wish with every wish that I would have never allowed myself to be put into that place at that moment.

And now to add insult to injury.  The moving on I have so desperately sought after has found someone...else.  And in its wake left me with that damn WHY.  Sitting here, listening to the music play and sway me.  Watching my wine glass deplete itself with less and less drink I wonder.  I wonder if revenge or justice will ever really happen.  Revenge is a strong word.  But I think its appropriate.  I was the victim.  And yet the cause of that pain is now free.  And I am chained to WHY.

I wish to free myself from why's grip.  From the hand that holds me like a vice.  I wish I could.  Then I could forget the feelings from that time.  The pain.  But most importantly the joys, which left the why to torture me now.

Perhaps my mind wasn't so cluttered after all.  Maybe it just took some guts on my part to acknowledge what I know has been bothering me for so long.  When, God? When will I be proven wrong? When will all the leftovers finally finish and I don't have to sit here any longer?  When will I get some justice?  Right now it all seems so unfair. I struggle and the wicked rejoice and have plenty.  I am so tired.

I will settle for nothing, if I can just get rid of the why.

I don't know...I just want to know....why.

The Wind and his Tree

A piece of music plays...

It circles my mind round and round
Like an ice skater skillfully across the slickest ice.

Its beat drums in tune with that of my heart.
Pulsating to the sound of my soul.

Making me feel loose and relaxed
And uncharacteristically out of control.

I enjoy lazy afternoons like this filled with wonder and heat
Gazing out of my window watching the wind dance through
The trees like a seductive lover who twirls his dance partner.

The trees and wind dance together in harmony and intertwine
with one another.  Moving melodically and fluidly
across my window.  Reminding me of the sweet soft moment when two
souls come together in a magical embrace.

The wind so different from that tree.  One so powerful and strong.
Strong enough to blow away her leaves.  He moves around her
making her dizzy.  Causing her to loose sight of how powerful
he really is.  She is afraid of him, the wind.  How his body blows
right by her.  How he moves so coolly and so effortlessly.

His long arms reach around her and trap her in a cool embrace.

She likes it.

But he does not realize the hold that she also has on him.
Her strong body.  Every curve of her long and beautiful trunk.
Her body twisting and moving and swaying in his wind.  See her branches
shift and move.  The leaves, her hair, falls in beautiful tendrils down her body.

Caressing her skin and being blown swiftly and softly by him.

They dance together.

Caught up in each other.  Never knowing who began this dance nor who
will end it.  Only knowing that they are lost forever in this moment.

Two beings brought together over the expanse of time. So separate, so
different, yet working together so beautifully in harmony to music of nature.

To the beat of the drum

To the drumming of my heart

Sitting here staring out my window...

Listening to the music moving through my mind

And longing...longing to dance

My Inspiration: Mal Waldron

Nothing like the first time....

There is something to say about the "first time" you do something.

The first time you go to Disney.
The first time you meet someone who years later will be your best friend.
The first time you eat chocolate.
The first time you jump off your swing and feel like you take flight.
The first time you try something new and it is great!
The first time you hear a piece of music and is makes your heart soar!
The first time you read a great book.
The first time you take a road trip with your friends.
The first time you get your heart broken.
The first time you have an "experience" with God.
The first time you laugh so hard till your sides hurt.
The first time you look into a pair of eyes and know you'll never look into another pair quite the same.

The firsts of my life are great.  I often wonder why God opens up so many firsts for me.  You think that as you get older your opportunities to enjoy firsts are beginning to wind down.  But its weird how the older I get I am being afforded the opportunity to have so many firsts!

I wonder if what God is trying to show me is that life is only just beginning, not ending for me.  That he has so much in store for me.  There was a time in my life that I thought that some "firsts" would lead to an continuation of pleasure and experience.  But they would end and I would wonder why I was granted that "first" only to have it ripped away!  Now I see that no one can take away the experience of your first anything.  The feelings involved with that moment will forever be left with you.  You will always remember that smile and that elation...or the pain and the heartache.

But that moment opens your eyes, envelops your heart and provides the opportunity for your life to change, even in the smallest measure. I've had some great firsts.  Some WONDERFUL firsts.  Some horrible firsts. lol

Recently there have been a few firsts that have reminded me of who I really am.  They reminded me of what I have already known in my heart and have most importantly made me smile.  I am grateful to God for using others to provide such fabulous and yes, even the not so fabulous firsts in my recent life.  

I am curious now to see what new firsts I will have and what they will do to make me grow and learn.  To you my friends I say this.  Enjoy the firsts life brings.  Even the "bad" ones.  They are the firsts that open the door to changes that your life needs.  Every first can lead to greatness.  The first fight you have with a friend or in a relationship can open your eyes to who the person really is.  It can make you realize if this person is someone you should be around or not and if they are worth being around it will make your friendship or relationship that much stronger.  The first time you have the opportunity to have dinner with your spouse because the kids are asleep or being cared for by someone else is an opportunity to reconnect with the person who you first fell in love with.  The first time your hand brushes against the arm of that "special someone" can be the last arm you will ever touch because it will be the only arm you feel for the rest of your life.  The first time you have to face a challenge that you are unfamiliar with, its there to build your character and just imagine the "you" you will become when you've surpassed it! The first time you get to repeat a first you've already done!  Yea, technically it can be called a "second" but in reality it is a first because this is a new moment, a different time and you are a different person!  This first may have a completely different outcome!

So my dear ones...

Enjoy every first leap.
Enjoy every first step.
Enjoy every first hug.
Enjoy every first fight.
Enjoy every first awakening.
Enjoy every first gift exchange.
Enjoy every first smile.
Enjoy every first kiss.
Enjoy every first meal shared with a friend or a loved one.
Enjoy every first time you heard that song.
Enjoy every first trip.
Enjoy every first time you heard his laughter.
Enjoy every first time you smelled her perfume.
Enjoy everything.
Enjoy it all.
Enjoy eachother.
Enjoy the tears.
Enjoy the joy.

And embrace the wonder of what will come.

For me? On to the first time I end a blog with the words....On to the first :)

You Know Better Than I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RddBWJgvKDY

Changed my view...wow