Its time...but who will make it happen?

Things are spinning...but One thing I know for sure...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8

The Reading Continues...

Its almost over....

I will keep in all that I think for a later blog but let me just say that reading "A Tale of Two Cities" has been one of the most pleasurable reading experiences ever!

Oh, Mr. Dickens....

You inspire me.

On a side note....I am supposed to be working hard....and here I am, wasting time :)

Embarrassing...

I am not and I will not admit the embarrassing thing I did today.

Let's just say it had to do with the internet.

What is it about this internet that calls us to proclaim and advertise ourselves?  I find that in the stage of life that I am in I am in NO position to waste time.  I have also found that I have already wasted so much time I don't think that I will have any time to not waste!  That only made sense in my head :)

I am truthfully finding that the one and only online "outlet" that proves to be of any lasting substance...to me that is.  Is this here blog.  The one were there is perhaps a handful of people who take the time to read it anyways.  But none the less, today I did that embarrassing and all to time consuming thing of self advertisement.  I don't know why I did it. Well, yes I do but still...it was horrible LOL

Ok, really I enjoyed it.

But now we shall see what my shameless display of blatant ME will prove.  Perhaps it will be like this blog...seen by few...responded to by less than few lol.  And then I will crawl under my sheets and go back to reading my book. (Which by the way I am really into now....remember? I am reading a Tale of Two Cities!)

So there...here is my non confession of what I did.  Wouldn't you like to know!

Falling Apart

When I was younger there was this song I used to like.  The lyrics that I remember were:

Hold me Jesus,
I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory,
Won't you be my Prince of Peace.

I remember singing along to it and not really absorbing what these few simple words mean.

Today, above any other day, I finally get what this song means.  I am that shaking leaf.

Have you ever f**ked up so bad that you can't even begin to imagine how in hell you are going to get out of it?  Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in the ocean.  Its so vast and I have NO idea how in the world I am going to swim my way out of here.  My past reminds me that all I have to do is "seek God" and "pray".  But I just honestly don't know if that is gonna cut it this time.

I KNOW that God is big.  I KNOW that he can fix something in an instant.  I KNOW there are stories out there of people who have it MUCH worse than me and they manage to get out of their dilemma with God's help.  I KNOW all this.  But I am just standing in front of this Everest of problems asking myself what in the hell am I going to do.

I feel like I am in this completely alone.  Yes, Yes, I KNOW that God is with me.  I've been taught that since a child.  But that does not change the fact that I STILL feel alone in this.  I wish there was someone ANYONE who could say, "Here, let me handle this." or "Don't worry, I got you covered."  I wish that there was a magic wand out there that could fix this mess.

But there is not.  There is no fairy godmother, no magic pumpkins, no fairy dust that is going fix this.

I just have to do something ANYTHING to find a way out of this...

Lord help me

1 of 1001....A Tale cont.,

My brain has received a reprieve and I am finding that now it has gotten a little better.  I have been bold and continued to read.  As I mentioned to a dear friend of mine, I stuck it out and kept reading.

To my surprise...

I get it!

It's funny how once you put down your resistance to something new and/or challenging it becomes, dare I say, easier?  So now that I accepted Mr. Dickens challenge to read his book I find that the words and sentences he has jumbled together now make sense.

I actually know what is happening and I find that its pouring out from the pages like a melody of music I can follow...even dance to. I feel that all books have what I call a "rhythm".  As the words and ideas begin to flow one only has to stick with it to find that the rhythm, although complex at first, begins to set its pace and become clear.

I'll just say that now I can follow A Tale of Two Cities with more delight since I am choosing to move to the music of its words rather than try to make sense of it with an infantile mind.  So I am proud of myself that now I can really appreciate the beauty in his writing!  How beautiful is his comparisons of dreaming or day dreaming rather.  In Chapter 3 when Mr. Lorry is seeing his duty and thoughts akin to a conversation of death and despair...so very cool.

I press on then.  What new things await me...

1...of 1001 - A Tale of Two Cities

Ok, so I recognize that Charles Dickens is one of our literary "geniuses".  I am a fully aware that his writing has set a standard on this thing we call "writing".  So then I don't feel nearly as bad that upon reading, what, the first 3 chapters of A Tale of Two Cities,  I find myself completely and utterly LOST. (insert lol's here)

I am not to proud to admit when something is over my head.  I admit that jumping into this endeavor of reading "classic" works came with the fact that I might have to delve into writings that are far and above my brains capacity to understand ONE FREAKING SENTENCE. 

But C'mon!

I had to laugh a little at myself really.  I always prided myself on being "smart". And in understanding certain things that "other" people just don't get.  I thought myself, dare I say, one of those "literary types".  Now, I am willing to down-grade myself to nothing more than an elementary school reader wallowing in self-doubt while my brain oozes out of my ears. (yet another lol moment for you).

What's most baffling is that I, yes I will admit this fully, have read this book before.  Long ago, in high school.  But upon much inspection and reflection our high school version was soooooooooooo different.  How so, you might be wondering.  Well, with that book came handouts galore explaining each and every phrase.  We had teachers who used the minds of those who actually read the book on their own without the help of another, act smart and explain these books to us.  I was always amazed at how our public school teachers "knew" so much.  (Ok, so I am not in any way knocking our teachers...many of them exist within my own family.) I say this to make the point that Charles Dickens is a freak of nature that writes in such a way that he doesn't just want you to leisurely read his stuff...oh, nooo...he wants you to sit with a dictionary and a thesaurus and investigate what the hell he is trying to say.

I, you may be pleased to read, will not relent! I will not give up! I will read this book because I do remember that I did actually like it back then! So now, with no help from anyone...no handout to lead the way....will dive into Sir Dickens (ok, that sounded weird but go with it).  I will not be conquered by my lack of literary prowess!  I will conquer, I will rise and when I get to frustrated...I will google!

So take that Charles Dickens!  I may be drowning in 3 little chapters while the rest of your book looms in its gigantic grammatical awesomeness but I will get through it!

There, I feel better...

Now on to what I have have gathered so far...in 3 measly chapters (bleh...)

So it pretty much opens with these guys standing around in the dark trying to get a stage coach (they call them that don't they?) led by horses up a hill.  It is dark and the social climate in the area (God help me I still haven't figured out - nor can I remember - if they are in France or England) is dangerous because of the many thieves and robbers and "highwaymen" in the area.  So ok, that makes sense.  They seem to be carrying mail of some importance or maybe they just call the (and this is the name I'm going to call it) "stage coach" a mail something or other.  There are also passengers on the coach, or really waiting for this coach to move. One who by what I can gather must be an integral part of the story. So the driver is trying to encourage his horses to move the heavy laden carriage up this hill when out into the darkness they hear the approaching sound of hooves, which turn out to be a messenger calling for one of the passengers...the guy who I think might be important...Mr. Jarvis Lorry. 

Now here is what I don't get...Once Mr. Lorry receives the messengers message he says, "Jerry, say that my answer was, RECALLED TO LIFE." Everyone who hears him finds this response odd and can't make heads or tails of it (join the club).  So I think that at least for now, this phrase must hold some hidden meaning that will later be explained.

I will admit that I am eager to read more.  Even if it takes me 3 to four passes over each paragraph lol.  But so be it.  I find this a worthy challenge and when I get through this book I am sure that I will feel that much smarter and be able to call myself a "pre-literary type".  Why "pre"? Because if this is what it is going to be like with the rest of these books I am just at the beginning of a very long love affair with the dictionary, the thesaurus, and with the all mighty google :)

So that's what I've got so far....not much but just wait....it will get better....or I myself will be recalled to life :)

ahhhhhh....sweet understanding....I have found you yet :)

Where everything seems possible...nothing is what it seems

I discovered, or rediscovered actually, something which I thought I lost. My love for the simpler times. When I was a kid I was enamored by fantasical stories about far off places and hidden secrets and princesses and kings. I have always been a lover of stories.

I found myself bored to tears tonight and decided to find a way out of the maze of my boredom and search for things that could fill my brain with anything other than the thought of being bored. I stumbled upon the very word that brought me to write this blog...maze...or better yet, labyrinth.

Growing up one of my most favorite movies was Labyrinth. Yes, its a silly representation of the imaginative mind of Jim Henson, but in my child mind it was poetry. I found myself lost in the story of Sarah...trapped in the Goblin Kings labyrinth. She got her self into that mess by wishing her half-brother away. So I did what most internet savy people do...I turned to youtube to see if there was a broken up version on it.

And there was.

So there must be someone else out there (or many someone else's) that fancy this type of movie genera. I was engrossed in the film. I love the simplicity and child-like innocence of the tale. Be careful what you wish for is the overt theme. And how true that statement rings for me today.

I have so many times wished for things so badly and professed them aloud, only to find myself wandering the labyrinth of my wish. Confused and seemingly alone. But just as Sarah had a host of mythical creatures to aide her in her search, I too have my own Rolodex of characters that I call upon to aide me.

But what is most notable is that they never take her OUT of the labyrinth...they just help her through it. No one says, "let me pull you out and take you to the end"...they just walk with her. So I guess the lesson is that I should stop waiting for someone to pull me out of the maze I created for myself and just walk it.

At least I have company.

The hardest thing for me to face when I go through things like this is the realization that I just don't have a map to guide me to the exact route I should take. I must face dead ends, and walking in circles, and starting over where I lost my way. But I have to keep going. I hate that part...the uncertainty of it all. What if I get to where I'm going and its not where I want to be? Sure, many a philosopher would argue that the place I land is the place I need to be, but what if the outcome of my maze is not where I'm ready to face?

Its so hard to decide. Do I keep going? Well as in most labyrinths, you have no choice! You must press on because trying to find your way back to get out from where you started would only leave you more lost than you are now! So its like the labyrinth itself propels you forward...willingly or unwillingly...but always purposefully.

I am trying to find my way to the unknown prize at the end. In my story I will not find my little brother. What will I find at the end?

Hopefully something great....oh God, please let it be great.

Rainy 2010

Its raining...

I have my windows open and I am sitting here typing away trying to forget that I just got a notice about my license being suspended.  Is this really how my new year is supposed to start?

The up side?

I got my first 3 books from the list I am starting to read from:
Little Women
A tale of Two Cities
Short Stories (which is a compilation of short stories written by famous writers)

The latter not necessarily being on the "list" but I could not resist getting it.

The other thing that is bringing me comfort is that he came to visit today.  Right now the gloomy weather has over taken him and the hum/dripping sound the rain is making on my window has lulled him to sleep.  I am sitting across from him mesmerized. From here I can hear him breathing.  It always makes me smile to myself how I notice that when he is falling asleep he has a small grin on his face.  I wonder what that is all about?

Its been a long time since we've known each other and we've been through more than most.  Right now the status of "us" is still up in the air and I am learning to be ok with just calling him "friend".  He's more than that of course.  In so many ways he's like the perfectly shaped complete opposite of me that makes more sense than anything else I know.  And in other ways I wonder why he is still in my life.  I guess you can never really know.

When he's around I feel as if the missing piece of the puzzle was found.  Like this one time I was building a puzzle with my niece.  We got all the way to the end when we discovered that there was a piece missing.  She was sad that it was not finished but I told her, "well its only one piece".  She looked at me with her 5 year old eyes like if I was crazy.  Even one so young knows that its not complete until you find the missing piece.  I surrendered and walked away, conformed with the fact that it was "nearly done".  But my little niece could not stand the thought of leaving it unfinished.

A few minutes later I heard her calling out my name in excitement and yelling, "I found it!"  When I went back to her room she was standing proudly over the finished puzzle and said, "Now its finished!" Well, that's what I feel like when he comes around. Its weird.  And there are times, I will admit, that even with him around there still seems to be something missing.  I know what it is.

But here we are.  Two people who love to be with and without each other LOL. Listening to rain.

What will this new year bring me I wonder.  How many days just like this will I have?  Its raining, my license is on a mission, and he is sleeping quietly.

hmmmmmm....guess I'll start reading my books now