It's never to late to turn around and start over...

I don't know what I am doing.

All I know is that sometimes going back is not such a bad thing.

That is if going back means getting back to a place you know will help you fix and resolve things that have had you messed up for a long time.

I am grateful for today.

I am grateful for the words that have brought me to this place.

They have made me realize that what I have been trying to do all along is never gonna happen unless I plug into the right power outlet.

So I'm going back.

Forgiveness? No problem.

If I seek it in the right way.

If I go to the source of all forgiveness.



Maybe this time I'll stay on the right path?

Maybe this time I'll see things in the right way?



I mean you can only crash and burn so many times before you have to go back to your instruction manual to find out what went wrong and how to prevent it.



So back I go.



Turning around and starting from "Go".



Hey in games don't you collect money for starting back at 1?

Well, thats my plan...to start back again.

Leave it to you to be the one who put me back in that place, lol.

I prayed and saught God so much back then.

Here I am again...you pushed me into His arms.

Thats a good push lol

So for those who will think that I am making a mistake...

WE'LL SEE

Maybe my "mistake" took me back...

But BACK is where I need to be :)

Burn brightly

The sun shines in the morning and covers over the darkness of the night
It illuminates the shadows presenting warm and wondrous light
Its being and presence so big and filled with heat
Magnify all directions and shed light through darkened streets
When it wakes its ask not permission to shine its light so bright
It does so with reckless abandon pushing back all traces of night
It cares not what weather tries to impose nor if we can see it past the clouds
It shines brightly, fully, willingly there whilst even covered by heavens shroud
The beams stream through my window piercing shadows and their mist
Its rays are sharp as a pointed sword yet fall on my face like loves sweet kiss
Where do you go when I look up and cannot see you there?
You hide from me yet I feel your presence sifting through the air
The light of love the light of truth the light for all to see
Your power, grace and strength declare your majesty
God hung you in the sky it seems for people just like me
Who cling and grasp and search for truth in a world filled with travesty
Shine brightly and lighten my path be used for your intent
Lest you burn out and not fulfill your purpose leaving all your glory spent
This truth I know, oh light of the sky, this one thing I know is true
My feet need light to walk their steps to make false steps few
Let God above use your light to lighten up this direction
Let him use you and move and point you clearly make no move of stubborn rejection
I need your light so I need it now to hasten up my pace
To open up the path I'm on and finally see his face

The hidden truth

My mind is filled with thoughts
Thoughts of you and
Thoughts of me
Thoughts of all the things
That we could be.

How fleeting are the moments
We let pass by.
How quickly we forget
all the tears we've cried.

In one single solitary moment
Wrapped in your embrace.
Lost forever somewhere
Between time and space.

Things remembered
Things forgotten
Things I swore to hold on to.
Melt away, slip away
All becomes unglued

Fading into the distance
Covered over by the warmth
All shadows disapear
Peaceful waters replace the storms

Should I just let go?
Should I just hold on?
Should I listen to the voices
that shout warnings from beyond?

Should I follow my heart?
Should I dance to this song?
Knowing once long past
All the steps were wrong.

Oh God, give me an answer
a sign, a message I pray.
Tell me what to do
and how to find a way.

I am filled with light
and covered in its glow
And yet I feel trapped by emotions
that I swore I'd let go

So strong are the winds of change and
the breeze of familiarity
So enticing is the fragrance of sameness
It blends dreams with reality

Awake my heart feels
and more alive then ever before
Yet scared and confused and
waiting, longing to hear more

From God, from friend,
from counsel or from you
But I know what they'd say
And I'd know just what I'd do

So I will let the words you spoke
sit deep within my heart
Quietly and never-moving
hidden in the dark

Away from prying eyes
and ears that stretch to hear
Away from my own worries and
Buried from my fears

I know one day clarity will sit with me
And show me all things right
I know one day this darkness
Will be overcome by the light

But how I wish my eyes did not see
How I wish I did not taste
The things my hands reached out to hold
Perhaps in to much haste

You will never know these things I feel
No, I will never let you in
Until the day when I can say
You are now more than just my friend

So secretly will I hide the truth
Oh, you will never ever know
That it is me who loves you and waits
for our love to finally grow

So simple are these words of mine
So infantile are the phrases
Yet so complex are the emotions within
Filled with layers and many phases.

I know what your heart longs to hide
I can hear the whispers it makes
I know that only I know your chameleon soul
And all the colors it takes

So lets keep what we feel hidden away
Yes, even from each other
I'll pretend I know nothing about what we know
We keep lying to one another

Until the day you finally see
And I finally give in
And lost into your embrace I'll be
My here on Earth piece of Heaven

Forgiveness

I am learning what the term "forgiveness" means. By definition it is, "the act of excusing a mistake or offense". Easier said than done I'm afraid. I have always thought of myself to have some measure of the capability of forgiving a person...to some degree I think we are all forgiving. As time has passed I have realized that I am easier to look beyond or pass over or forgive the offenses made by most people. Well, let me clarify, people who are not that close to me. I have a harder time forgiving those people with whom I held in a high standard.

Since I was young I have had numerous people tell me that my expectations are "impossible". That I place such high expectations on others and when they fall short, I am very disappointed. This I must admit is true. I DO place high expectations on others. Especially on those who profess out of their own mouths to be or feel a certain way. I EXPECT them to follow through with the very words they confess. I do this to myself as well. My expectations on myself are exponential! I hold to the premis that if I don't truly believe in something I won't say anything about it. Or if I don't really FEEL something I won't say I do! This helps me to avoid hurting or angering anyone. Ok, so I don't always measure up to my own rules, but I do try with everything I can to. But herein lies the dilemma. When this person, or person's, fail to meet that expected behavior it proves to be an almost impossible task for me not to call them out on it...and and even hard task to forgive them for their "failure".

I know that this all sounds so judgmental, I know that I myself "fall short" many times. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why its so hard for me to forgive someone who I expected to know or act better. I don't know why I put so much pressure on that person. I guess its because I don't want to feel cheated or lied to....I hate that. I guess I just expect that when a person says they are a certain way...well dammit...they should stick to it.

But recently, ever so recently I have allowed myself to flirt with the possibility of forgiving certain people for offenses that I swore I never would. Do you see where I am going with this? Here comes my brain which in circumstances like these poses a duality. One side of my brain says, "You idiot! How can you forgive!?! You are just setting yourself up for more pain and failure!" Interestingly, the other side of my brain, which in some way I feel is connected to my heart screams, "Everyone deserves a second chance!" The latter side also happens to be connected to the part of me that holds my beliefs and things that have been taught to me for years...about how God sees forgiveness and how he asks us to forgive.

So how do we make a judgment call? When do I say its ok to forgive this offense but not this one. What if that person is truly sorry? What if that person recognized their error? What if they wanted to make restitution in some way? Aren't I supposed to forgive? Please forgive me for being so cliche but....what WOULD Jesus do? I know, I know. We have worn out that statement till its gravity is barely reccognizable. But its ideal does not change. If God was in my shoes, how would he handle it? Would he turn his back and say, "Since you did not behave with me the way I expected or the way you SHOULD have, I cannot and will not forgive you!"

Hmmmmm.....doesn't sound much like the God I was taught about or read about. Yes I know we forgive but not forget. But is that not just a cop out to hold a grudge? I know what the lack of forgivness does. It becomes a cancer that eats your soul. It seems lately that its easier for me to forgive some offenses where as others, because the offenses seem to be continued, are hard to forgive. This whole concept of seventy times seven is a work in progress. But I am trying.

Forgiveness, however, is tricky. It may inadvertenly lead you down a slippery slope of acceptance. Acceptance of the behaviors and actions that made you upset in the first place. So now its about learning to forgive without accepting those things ever again. Yet another thing that is easier said than done. There is also the other aspect of people's perception of your new-found forgivness! What will other's think once they find out you forgave? Will they accept it? Will they get angry? What of those who carried and held your offence with you? Will they go up in arms because they feel your attitude of forviness is foolish? Do you care? Do you not? Ugh...

Its exhausting. All I know is that here I am...posed with the prospect and the opportunity to forgive. I feel myself leaning towards forgiveness but I also feel the trepedation in my heart. Its as if the forgiveness comes with a warning. Is this how God forgives? "I'll forgive her, but I'll keep a bit of the memory of what she did just so if she does it again, I can use it to fuel my attack against her". Yet another thing that sounds out of God's character.

So forgive....with your whole heart. That's what we are told to do. Unless that person has______. What? Unless that person has what? There are no conditions to forgiveness, its one of those all or nothing things. Either you forgive or you don't. I don't want to get trapped in the sea of unforgiveness. Those waves are un-surfable. But I also don't want to get trapped under the current of acceptance. And I want to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I want to learn to forgive and stick to it even if everyone around me calls me foolish, I know God wouldn't.

Maybe people hurt us sometimes because they are so hurt that's all they know. Hurt most often begets hurt. Maybe my act of selfless forgiving with break the cycle of pain. Even though you DON'T in ANY WAY EVER deserve my forgiveness, here it is. Hmmmm.....somehow that sounds right. It feels good to forgive.

So what to do now? Wait. Wait and see what will happen. And pray. Pray that God helps me stay strong against the lure of acceptance but open to forgivenss.

I can forgive you. I did. And it makes my heart glad. But I'm not perfect. I am not God. So my forgiveness is not completely selfless. I will hold on to a bit of the memory of the pain...just so I don't go slipping down and accepting all the things which made my pain great. But I am willing to forgive you.

Let's see what you do with it...

I read blog after blog, looking for inspiration, seeing what else is out there, trying to get a glimpse of someone else's mind and thoughts only to come to the weird realization that I feel almost inadequate in some way. Its like maybe the words I have chosen are not deep enough, compelling enough or inspirational enough. I found myself looking back on some of the things I've read and I can't help but wonder, "Am I the only one reading this?"

Probably

My original intent in writing this blog was clear, its not for anyone. I don't care if anyone reads it or sees it or ever comments on it at all. But sitting here alone in the darkness of my room, my TV flickering in the background and my fish tank making that bubbling noise I realize that there is this tiny fraction of myself that would like someone to read all this nonsense. I would like it if someone commented or shared or told me how silly I was being or how random my thoughts were or how I should just get over something that I keep mentioning.

Is that what we are all looking for? Someone to notice?

Sometimes I feel like no matter how loud I yell people don't really listen. Maybe its because I don't even know what I am yelling about. Maybe because all the words I speak are so buffudeled and full of jibberish I don't even get. I'd still like for someone to listen. Tonight on my drive home I realized that I am full of words with no sounding board. I want to say so much about so many things and have no one to say them to.

Its like being in a crowded room with no one to really talk to. Even when I'm around friends I wonder, are they even listening to me? Is anyone? I grew up believing that God always listens...I still believe that. But, oh, how I long for an answer, a comment, a message. Something that says, "yeah, I heard you."

Or even to feel like someone really SEES me. You know, SEES me? Like the me I really am. The me that wants to say so much and has so much to say about nothing much in particular. I wish someone could just really see me and decide, "Hell, I'll stick around". I'm tired of feeling inadequate and abandoned and not seen or heard. This road is getting lonely and I am tired of yelling for companionship.

As I write this I know that in a day or two it would have been my eyes, and mine alone that would have seen these words. That in the vastness of the internet my little blog got lost. That the likelyhood that someone would read all this and think, "well, here is someone who has something to say" is bleek. I get that I may never have loads of people who will follow my blog, or a list of comments to read through as I revel in how people perceive my words. But kill me if I still hope!

So I write on...

Maybe my blogs are not clever little snitbits of thoughts. Maybe my stuff doesn't have a cool picture added that I took with my cool camera in this ornate angle. Maybe my words aren't oozing with poetry or some profound thought. Maybe there is nothing political, life-changing, inspirational, earth shattering, profound, or awe-inspiring. Maybe, after all, they are just the words of a girl who is still trying to figure herself out. I am still trying to figure out stuff that to me...just doesn't make sense. So ok, let me ramble alittle about that stuff:

Things I don't get:

- I don't get why when it rains I hate the smell of when its coming but love the feel of when its here

- I don't get why one moment I can be soooo tired and almost falling over with sleep and as soon as I get into my bed all sleepiness escapes me

- I don't get why the nails on my right hand grow faster, stronger and longer than on my left

- I don't get why I see myself as an adult and a child all the time but when people see me as one or the other it infuriates me

- I don't get why I resent and love my family equally

- I don't get how someone can forget me so quickly and their cologne still lingers in my nose

- I don't get why the foods I love can kill me

- I don't get why no one gets me yet

- I don't get why my car engine light is on one minute and then off the next, should I be worried?

- I don't get why feel more relaxed at work than I do at home

- I don't get why everything for me seems to take SOOOOO long

- I don't get why it works for some and not for me

- I don't get why I keep secretly hoping you'll come back only to have the satisfaction of rejecting you when I know deep in my heart you standing there in front of me is what I have always wanted

- I don't get why I am such an extremist

- I don't get why things that feel, taste, and smell so good are most often really bad for you

- I don't get why my finances just never seem to find the break I need

- I don't get what the hell happened to the people I thought I knew

- I don't get why I hate the smell of vanilla yet love vanilla ice cream

- I don't get why I am in this spot again and again

- I don't get why I just can't seem to get this "adult" thing right

- I don't get what people see in the show Sienfeld, I just don't find that kind of humor funny...sorry

- I don't get why I hate where I am now and have not the ability to change it

- I don't get why I stopped believing in fairy tales even though I desperately would love to

- I don't get men

- I don't get my family

- I don't get love

- I don't get me...

Round and Round

...between health and wellness...lol...

Will I ever find the happiness of never worrying about being sick? God, that sounds so morbid.

For now I'll just busy myself with a whole lot of nothing...

And publix subs :)