The Breakup

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who is going through a trial that many of us have faced.  

A breakup.

At first I tried to do the "friend" thing and be encouraging and supportive and all that.  I tried to get my friend to see the "bright side" of this situation and say phrases like, "you never know" and "be positive" and "if its meant to be it will return" blah, blah, blah.

Last night, however, I got to thinking about it.  Actually it started out with praying for my friend for for strength that he would get through this.  (Yes, surprisingly it is a guy who is all sad about a break up...shocked the hell outa me too! lol)

During my prayers a scripture verse came to my mind that I had repeated to him in passing but now, lying there praying in the dark, my biblical studies and theology brain jumped out at me and made me wonder what were the verses before and after that verse?  And do they, if at all, relate to a situation such as this...a break up.

Does God only have words that apply to some moments and not others?  I don't think so.  So I looked it up.  Originally, the scripture I quoted was Proverbs 13:12 (quite powerful).  But here is the rest and how I think it might apply to me...to you...to my friend...to anyone who has been down that road of pain...

1 A wise son heareth his father's instruction: 

but a scorner heareth not rebuke.  

2 A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth: 

but the soul of the transgressors shall eat violence.  

This made me wonder about a relationship at the start.  It made me think that there are those relationships that, at their commencement, may appear to be great, amazing even, accept for one thing...what if not everyone in your life is completely supportive of that relationship.  What if people, whose opinion you usually defer too and even listen to, don't share in your "excitement" over your new "love".  I think that there is a lot to be said about the counsel of our "fathers".  What is a "father-figure" after all but a person who we place a mantle of authority over and whom we see as a "one who guides" or leads?  So if your "fathers" are not so on board...maybe it deserves a bit of thought and reflection over how to proceed...or even if to proceed?  The second verse responds to the first with a cautionary warning about not heeding the counsel of our "fathers"...it can and will produce violence.  I don't think this verses are independent of each other.  I think that the second is basically saying, "You better listen up when those in 'authority' over a matter give you instruction/advice, or else it will end badly, or even violently for you."  

But what if the "fathers" in your life are supportive?  Those natural beings in our life that all say, "Yes! She/He is perfect!"  There is a lot to be said about the other "father" in your life.  Most people would call it a conscience...I call it God.  What if, there are moments during that relationship that a still-small voice within starts shouting and showing you yellow (and maybe even red) flags of warning.  Well, the same would be true...if you don't listen...and you scorn the instruction...this transgression will lead to a violent end.  The things this voice (God) is warning you about, may not be things our natural "fathers" can see.  Things that only God knows about you and me.  Things that He knows, in the long run, are going to negatively affect your world.  Things that are going to make your life harder, more painful, sad and eventually lead you into wondering why you ever went forward with this relationship at all.  And now, you start to either miss being single, or looking to someone else to provide you with the things you really always wanted but never wanted to acknowledge at the start of this relationship.  This will thus produce what you were trying to avoid...a broken heart caused by a violent end.

"But if it were going to end badly for me", you might think, "why didn't my natural "fathers" and counselors see it?"  Well, that's a bit harder to explain.  Maybe they were only looking some and not all  of the right elements of that person for you.  They are nice, they are decent, they come from a good family, they have a job, etc.  But let's face it...those can't be the only things we need, want or look for.  We can all agree that there are things about us, deep things, that even our mothers, fathers, siblings and closest friends don't know.  So maybe they were looking at the "relationship resume" of this person and thinking, "He/She is good on paper!" But God knew...and He knew that while the resume said, "Yes for Hire" the background check said, "HELL NO!" 

3 He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: 

but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction 

4 The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: 

but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.

This took some thinking about.  Some praying for understanding.  How would this apply to a situation of a loss in a relationship?  It reminds me of another scripture that says "In the multitude of words, there is sin..." (Proverbs 10:19).  Sometimes we speak over those who have provided counsel, we also speak over the thoughts and the warnings that are saying, "No, not now, not with this person."  We rationalize and we analyze and we make a case for what we want, because we want it and no one is going to tell us we can't have it!  We argue with the counselors and with the red and yellow flags!  We're like the player who argues with the referees calls..."It was out!" "No, it was in!"  We argue so much and talk over so much to distract ourselves from seeing the instant replay.  From seeing CLEARLY what we are SUPPOSED to be looking at.  The things that say, "this person, at this time, is NOT the one for you".  But our open mouth leads to our destruction.  Like the player who gets thrown out of the game because he argued with the call.  

The latter verse calls a sluggard to the soul who has nothing.  You have nothing now (the relationship is over isn't it?) because you did nothing.  You did nothing with the warning.  You did not listen.  Instead you moved slowly, or not at all, like a sluggard.  Dragging your feet and arguing about it all the way because, "I WANT THIS! IT HAS TO BE FOR ME!"  When you want something you will see the "signs" that it should be yours in everything.  In relationships we do this all the time.  When we think we are in love with someone, even when there are things about that person that under usual circumstances would be non-negotiable, we find, or rather, LOOK FOR, signs that this person is the one.  I have done this.  Many times.  The way they drink their coffee that is so similar to us.  The way they finish our sentences.  The way they like that stupid movie nobody accept for me, likes.  And for Christians, the biggest is, "Well, they ARE a Christian".  As if that is enough. But the truth is that what we are really doing is dragging our feet like the sluggard.  We are dragging out the inevitable violent destruction of not just this relationship, but of our heart.  All because we didn't pay attention to the REAL signs and flags.  If only we would have really taken the time to think and to see, then we would have been made "fat".  With happiness, with joy, with peace, with a true loving relationship that doesn't end....with God's best.  

5 A righteous man hateth lying: 

but a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame.  

6 Righteousness keepeth him that is upright in the way: 

but wickedness overthroweth the sinner.

So we go on in this relationship, maybe even happily for a while, completely convinced that this is "it".  It has to be! We've "seen the signs".  We've even received the "blessing" from our natural counselors and "fathers".  But when something isn't right, truly right for us, it will surface.  God will bring it out and up...like a dormant volcano that suddenly reawakens or like a geyser that's just been simmering for a while but now explodes with great force.  

Eventually the relationship will be tested.  

And the man/woman that's been lying to himself/herself about the validity, strength or truth of this relationship will have to face the reality that its not going to work.  Someone will want out.  And if you were the one holding onto it because you just HAD to have it...you're in for a rough ride.  In the end, shame will drape itself over you.  Shame because maybe you feel stupid for falling in love.  Shame because, "I should have known better".  Shame because you feel fooled.  Shame because you went on what someone told you about themselves and not what God was showing you about them.  And your lie to yourself has left you overthrown and downcast.  

I have SO been there.  I have lied to myself so many times about a relationship, KNOWING...deep, deep down...that there were things about this person that were not right for me.  But because I felt "ready" for a relationship or had some need that I felt only this person could fill...I went for a temporal solution to what was a spiritual problem.  I needed God to fill those things and make me complete...not this person. I needed security and to learn spiritual, physical and financial responsibility with God's help and guidance...not to need my securities filled by someone else's stable bank account or stable companionship.  The signs I saw that made me tell myself that they were "true signs of love, connection and meant-to-be" were signs that any decent, kind, caring person should have.  Because I longed to be treated decently, kindly and cared for...I saw those traits as accolades instead of basic fundamental parts of what all people should posses.  Its like congratulating someone on the fact that they have lungs and can breathe.  That's ridiculous.  You were given lungs to breathe...that's what they do!  Why do we congratulate and give medals to a person who treats us considerately and with respect.  WE SHOULD DO THAT ANYWAYS.  I know women fall into this because when we have only been treated with lack of consideration, the moment someone considers us we want to give them the medal of honor!  But just because someone is kind, caring and even loving to you does not mean that THEY ARE THE ONE...it just means you are getting what you deserve...because we all deserve to be treated with kindness, love and caring.  

7 There is that which maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: 

there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches.  

8 The ransom of a man's life are his riches:

 but the poor heareth not rebuke.

This one blew me away because when it comes to the case of a relationship...sometimes not having one, especially if it is not the right one for you, is a huge blessing.  While having...money, possessions, many "loves" or "lovers" may appear to show wealth and happiness, if any of these things were not given by the God whose gifts never decay, you will eventually see them rot away and disappear.  We then forfeit our lives and give them over as ransom to get this "thing", this "person", this "love".  But all the while God has been saying "No" and rebuking our will that said, "Yes".  Not because He doesn't love us, not because He wants us lonely and depressed, not because He wants to play this mind game with us and our heart, but because He KNOWS what is best, right and perfect for us. 

9 The light of the righteous rejoiceth: 

but the lamp of the wicked shall be put out.  

10 Only by pride cometh contention: 

but with the well advised is wisdom. 

11 Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: 

but when the deisre cometh, it is a tree of life. 

Obviously the context of the entire text is that it is wicked, wrong, and a transgression not to listen to the voices of good counsel. When it comes to relationships the wickedness that is produced from that lack of obedience is what we inevitably suffer.  Its funny to me how people love to place this limitation on God.  What I mean is that we like to limit him to only being this loving, gentle God.  I often hear it said that God should only be love...love and that's all.  But love sometimes says "No", or "Not now", or "Never". It does that because it loves us.  Even the most loving mother, father, friend, etc., will tell the one they love, "No", if that "No" is for the benefit of the person.  Therefore, God, who is the embodiment of love basically tells us that if we don't listen and watch for the right signs, and have a close enough relationship with HIM that we are able to decipher those signs, we will suffer.  And we CAN'T blame God for that.  We can't say, "You are not loving! You are allowing this suffering, this pain in me!" The truth is that He loved you enough to say, "No", but you didn't listen.  We see what we want to see and move in that...instead of looking through the lens of truth.


Pride is ultimately going to rear its ugly head and we act and do things that make dealing with a break up or a relationship in general very, very hard.  We want to send the blame out and put it to another person, "How could he do this to me?"  "How could she treat me, ME, like that?" "Doesn't he know how wonderful I am?" "Doesn't she get what she is losing?"  Our pride is a defensive protective mechanism that is used to "help" us deal with heartache.  But that pride only brings contention.  It contends with true healing.  It fights it off and delays it because as long as pride exists we cannot recognize our error in judgement and realize that it was us who made the bad choice of being with someone who was not right for us.  All the pride in the world won't make it right.  And so instead of the healing of our heart starting quickly, it is delayed...slowed....and subsequently....deferred.

12 Hope Deferred maketh the heart sick: 

but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.  

I finally come to the verse that started this whole thing, and the deep wisdom in its words are ever more true in the circumstances of any relationship...especially when one ends.  It is true that when we breakup with someone we thought was the "one" there remains this hope that they will return.  We picture every sappy love movie and remember ever corny love song we heard that speaks of love lost then found.  We imagine him showing up at our door, flowers in hand, teary-eyed, begging to take him back.  We see her in our dreams calling out to us and saying she was wrong and she should have never left.  And we hope.  Hope it will come true.  We vow to wait and wait forever.  We listen to songs about patiently loving "always and forever" and we write in our journals, blogs and Facebook posts about how we'll "Never let Go".  After a while the longing and love turns into desperation, confusion, frustration, anger and somehow all that "forever" starts to feel like a huge burden.  But where was all the "love" then?  Didn't we confess love forever and ever?  That's the problem with love that is not destined and designed from Him who gives love, it is twisted and becomes something unnatural and unreal and not lovely at all.  It makes our heart sick.  We dwell in the past and live without moving forward.  We take out the transgressions of our long lost love on others and make the next relationship "pay" for their poor treatment of us.  


We cry and yell out, "Why???" followed by, "Never again! I will never let my heart open up again".  And because the human was not designed to live without love, we become sick.  Sick in our mind and our heart.  Our relationships become perverted and weird and dramatic and lonely and filled with problems because we never really healed from the past deferrements, we just carried that debt into the next relationship.  


But wait, there IS hope.  The next section of scripture says that when we do get our desire it is a blessing.  But this is where I think we need to be careful.  Does this scripture say that the relationship that ended will come back? Not necessarily, I think. I believe that instead it means that when it is truly the "right one" there will be no space for a hope that is deferred onto anything and therefore the heart will never become sick so that when the desire of our heart...to be loved and to love another...will come,  it will be a tree of life giving fruit.  Our relationship then will not become twisted, distorted and drama-filled.  It will provide shade, breeze and nourishment to our soul and will produce fruit.  Fruit of happiness, abundance, children...all the things we deeply want.


So there is hope out there.  But we have to listen to the one who knows love best.  The one who knows what love is and what kind of love we need and deserve.  This section ends with a warning and a promise...

13 Who so despiseth the word shall be destroyed: 

but he that feareth the commandment shall be rewarded.

Be warned, and yet encouraged my dear friends.  Don't despise the counsel of our "fathers" and especially not the loving guidance of our Heavenly Father.  Fear...which in this case means respect and honor...His guidance for your life.  If we do...He promises to reward us.

I pray for my friend.  

I pray that he would be comforted in knowing that this pain will not be forever and that if he learns from this he will find peace and love for all the days of his life.  I pray that anyone else reading this would be comforted to know that there is hope and happiness out there....

We just have to listen to the right voice.

What's Important

What's important to me is that you open your eyes

Eyes wide open just long enough to see

See what I've been shouting and sending out

Out of this heart that wrestles with doubt

Doubt that you'll ever know or ever understand

Understand what's important...I don't think you ever can

Can you hear the pain in my voice and the love I always gave

Gave it up willingly, unselfishly like the freedom given up by a slave

Enslaved to the ideas and the hopes you feel as I do

Do you even know if I am at all important to you?

You show me a side that I've tried not to know

Know how little you see me and don't care if I come or if I go

Go? Where can I run too? When all that's important to me is here

Here where I am trapped, ensnared and grappling with fear

Fear that I'll have to accept and fully embrace and realize

Realize that what's important to me, you'll never see with your eyes

Turning Tables into Scattered Memories

I have not written for a long while.

I often start many a blog with this same statement.  Its apologetic nature makes me feel better somehow.  Like I'm apologizing not just to whomever may come across this post, but mostly, to myself.

Often, I find that when I don't write for any amount of time, I come back to it like a child who has been disobedient to a parent.  I feel I should apologize and explain myself.  I feel as if the "parent" is somehow disappointed.

Truth be told, it is a bit disappointing...to me.

I know that when I stay away from writing it is because there is something going on in my life that, to me, is so incredibly f*ed up I choose not to write about it.  Writing about it would mean not only acknowledging its actuality in my life but it would be like cementing the words out there, for all to see.  Yes, I can delete it whenever I want.  But you cannot delete the words you've seen in print as you are typing them and they are now set ablaze in your mind.  Their existence bears witness to the fact that this thing, this horrid thing, has or is happening.

So to avoid a circumstances tangible-like entity, I choose to stay away from something I love so much...writing.

Like most things, however, eventually it needs to be confronted and dealt with.  And those occasions, for me, happen when I listen to music.  It takes one song to suddenly slap me in my face and force me to deal with "what is".

That song, for this moment, happens to be the one I posted above.

While I've heard this song a zillion times and it has come to mean so many different things to me over the past year.  Today...2 days before the "new year", it means only one thing...

Saying goodbye to a life I once knew and thought I would always have.

The melancholy in the initial notes laid out by the piano keys are like a theme-song to this circumstance.  They are like a never ending winding road...or like the feeling of the twisting and turning of a roller coaster.  Those few notes then break and remind me that its time to get off this ride and walk away.....to say goodbye.

This year has been filled with overturned tables. I have to walk away from them knowing that despite the twisted version of comfort they sometimes gave me...they were toxic and I need to let them stay overturned and stop trying to make "right" what was meant for "wrong".

Looking back on this year, as if it was laid out before me, all I see is a field of battered and broken overturned and useless tables.  Reminders of many words, thoughts, tears and frustrations.  I never thought I would walk away from that.  I admit that I really don't feel like its my choice anymore.  Overturned Tables...turning into mournful memories.

I am angry.

I am so angry at 2 people.

One....she is me.  I am angry that she had to hold her tongue back for the "benefit" of someone else.

The other....I never thought I could be mad at this person, at least not in the way my anger now burns.  I am more than mad.  I am disgusted and hurt.

The tables they turned over...I don't think can ever be fixed, replaced or forgotten.

They say that tomorrow has to be better because it can't get any worse lol.

I wonder what kind of furniture I will be faced with dealing with next year?  So maybe this blog is my pathetic way of starting the process of saying goodbye to this person.  Wouldn't it be so easy to say that it was some loser guy in some worthless relationship?  Geez, I wish.

George Harrison...Here Comes The Sun

In honor of this AMAZING musician and in the anxious anticipation of tonight's 2 part documentary about him....Enjoy the music... LOVE 

(He's always been my favorite bug :)

Hamburger Love...Foodie Alert!

So I heard that there is this Hamburger that its price is, some would say, equal to the amount of the amazing taste it produces.  I had to look into this.  


Sure enough, its true. Well, at least the part about its price.  I can only speak on that since I myself have not tasted it.  

Enter the Richard Nouvea Burger! 

The Richard Nouveau Burger boasts a whopping $175.00 for its glorified version of a hamburger!  Made with "Prime Kobe Beef grilled and topped with Aged Gruyere, Shaved Black Truffles, Foie Gras, Golden Truffle Mayonnaise and finally sprinkled with Edible Gold Flakes".  


WHAT THE HELL???


Apparently it was named after the fictional editor-in-cheif of "Pocket Change", an online newsletter that covers expensive and luxury items.  I wasn't able to nail down if this is actually true. I'm going on rumor here.  But from what I can see is that there IS a blog called "Pocket Change" and it is written by a "Richard Nouveau" but any links to an actual website lead to nowhere.  


None the less, the burger....yeah....its real.


It was even featured on a popular Food Network show I saw.  I'm just coming into the knowledge of this burger so some of you may have already heard it.  I simply cannot believe someone would pay that much for some meat and cheese! But I guess it is all about status and a symbol of "success".  If you can afford to drop $175.00 on a burger, well, I guess you've "arrived", so to speak.  I find it incredibly amazing that there is actually a breed of people out there who can, what I consider, frivolously spend that kind of cash while the rest of us struggle to put together a dollar from loose change we find between the sofa cushions.  I guess when you have that sort of cash, it means nothing to you.  


So why not spend it on a burger?  


Let's be real.  I'm not going to pretend to be all high and mighty and say that, given the opportunity and the funds to blow, I wouldn't order this burger.  I most certainly would.  I would order this thing purely for research purposes ;) Well, hell, how else am I going to know that it should be worth that much?  If you average out the amount of money per bite, I can approximate that its about $18-$20 per bite (8-10 bites).  And even more if you eat with bigger bites, although I imagine, given the unique ingredients and flavors they produce, you might want to eat it slowly to appreciate how you've spent an unnecessary amount of money that will only be released later in the form of fecal matter.  

But I say "Bravo!" with a side of "Kiss My Ass!"  to places like the Wall Street Burger Shoppe in New York, who serves this colossal waste of money, for reminding the majority of us that we may never know what the "rich" know or be granted the opportunity to revel in true luxury tastes.  But that's ok, I may not have the cash to spend on a burger like that...but on Wednesdays I can get you TWENTY McDonald's Cheeseburgers for around eight bucks!  And for $175? You're looking at almost 450 burgers!  


LOL


Keep your Golden Flakes!


(*secretly hating that I can't have this burger, LOL)

I could not help it but when I saw this I laughed.

I laughed because after a recent "situation" where my mouth got away from me I realized, yeah, I do talk way too much!  Silence is Golden? Yeah...I need to work on that lol. Sometimes, even when I think its rightly justified to do so...I need to learn to listen and shut the hell up.

I'll try.

I'll probably fail lol

But I'll try :)

C.S. Lewis...The Man Who KNEW LOVE

On a side note I just wanted to document that I have been RE-reading the classic book by C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves".  I have read most of his works.

While my mind is, with every page, becoming more like mashed potatoes...I am learning OH SO MUCH.

I will share when I am done.  (Truthfully, I can write my own book of how his book teaches me!)

Ok...on to the wine :)

Hot and Bothered and Tough Love

I thought that the thing I would try again would not bother me...

Remember the thing?

The "thing" I said I would never do then recanted and decided to do again?

Yeah, that.

Well, I told myself that I would not let it bother me if, in the end, it proved to have the same result as the last time. Well, I guess to some degree it was different...but in the end....its still the same.  So now I am left with this feeling of, "Am I ever going to get it right?"

That feeling sucks.

And so now I am bothered...and that makes me hot....Not is THAT way...In the, "Oh Hell!" way.  Whatever the case may be I have learned that at the end of the day I should remember something I learned a while back.  Trust yourself.  It can be argued that my "self" has been wrong occasionally...ok, more than occasionally...but sometimes, I really need to listen to myself. So maybe I was right with my first decision to never do that thing again, so I guess its serves me right for what I got.  I don't know...All I know is that I'm just throwing my hands up in surrender and choose to focus on "projects" that will produce results I can count on.  At least for a while.

Truth.

On a separate note...I was watching this very ridiculous reality show in which these women go to a "Match Maker" for him to yell at them and tell them how horribly shallow and rude they are and that is why they are still single.  Yes, I am talking about "Tough Love".  I found this one "exercise" he did with them quite interesting.  While these women were on a date he (the Match Maker) broadcast personal photos and the like that he had found on the internet of the women.  Photos from their FB pages, etc.  He said that in this day and age when you begin to date someone, the first thing they do after meeting you is Google you to check out who you are. So the "lesson learned" in this "exercise" is to teach women to be careful about the person they "virtually" display so that people you are hoping to date don't get the wrong impression of you.

OK...that makes sense

But it got me to thinking about my "virtual persona".  What, if anything, can a person gather about me should they happen upon this site? Or any other sites I may have? What, would they deduce about the person who writes this stuff?  I wonder.  I wonder because looking back on some of my posts...well, there are so many different things going on!  Some of my posts are not even about me! But what will they take away from this blog? Or from that picture or that?  What can honestly be judged about the person on the screen?  And for that matter, am I representing the "Me" I really want others to see or is this a fabrication or shadow of the person I would like to be?  I think it really is me...in lots of ways...even though not always completely me...which makes it more "Me" than anything else I do.  Hmph!

I think that people are too quick to judge on images...I am guilty of this myself.  Photos can "speak" loudly.  But what of someone actual WORDS.  Here are my actual words and thoughts and feelings.  Like an online "diary" almost.  Well, maybe not that personal, however, there are lots of very personal elements on this blog!  Do I really want complete strangers reading my every thought?  I find that this medium allows creative freedom and so my thoughts go bouncing off into the virtual sea of thoughts where someone might read them and say..."Wow".  But then again, someone might see this and not even get as far as the first paragraph when they realize HOW MUCH I write!  They'll get tired and bored and log off. And what can be said about me there after?  Only that I probably talk to much.  Its an interesting thought to ponder...what am I "showing" about myself and does it repel or attract?

I can't help but wonder...

Maybe one day someone will tell me...

For now...I think I'll have a glass of wine and call it a night :)

I'm Not Done.....Yet

Two days ago my life, and that of my best friend....nearly came to a bitter and sad end.


We were in a really bad car accident.


Round and round we spun after being hit.  The car slid down a "hill" and came to stop in a ditch.


People say that in moments like this your life flashes before your eyes.  


That did not happen to me.  


I had a completely different experience.


I remember it so vividly and so clearly.  


Since it happened, I have been reliving and having flash-backs of that moment.  I have remembered, with perfect clarity, all the things that went through my mind during that moment.


The first thing that happened as the car began to spin out of control was I got a picture of my nephew's, Nathanael, face.  I saw him clearly in my mind.  It was like he was looking strait at me.  He is one of the most significant people in my life so I'm not surprised that I saw him, but I was surprised to see him in THIS moment.  He looked neither sad nor happy.  It was just his face.  The way I know him to look.  I wonder if my mind was trying to keep his image there so that I would never forget him.  So that if I...died...no matter where I would go after...he would always be a part of me.  I don't believe in ghost's or in things like that but I have to wonder if I had died...to think of it makes me cry...but if I had....Would he remember me, always?


Would he know how much I loved him? Would he know how happy I was to see him on the day he was born?  Would he know that for me, he was the greatest gift I could have ever received? I know I'm not his mother.  But he and I share a special bond I have never had with anyone.  I remember on the night he was born I stayed in the hospital all night long holding him and singing to him.  I talked to him and told him stories.  He would look at me, with those same wondering eyes he has today, and I just knew he understood me, even as small as he was.  I wonder if that day had been my last, as the years go by, would he remember me? Would he think about me?  Would he know that he changed my life and made me a better person?


I don't know why my brain didn't show me my Niece...perhaps there wasn't enough time.  I love her just as much.  She also changed my life.  Maybe his image in my head involves them both.  While he taught me about unconditional love when he was born, when she was born, she taught me about unconditional joy.  Aliyah is just that...joy.  She is a child that loves to laugh and have fun.  She never stops playing.  Sometimes it gets her into trouble. lol But I hope she never looses that.  I hope she feels free to play all her life.  Thinking of what might of happened I wonder if she knows just how special she is to me? On the night of her birth, just as I did with her brother, I stayed in the hospital and held her all night long.  Singing, talking, rocking her.  I remember how peacefully she slept.  I remember thinking that I had never seen such a beautiful baby....and in my life, I have seen many.  I remember praying for her.  I mostly remember the prayer.  I remember I asked God to protect her because I knew one day she would grow up...and like a boy...and maybe that boy would hurt her, like I've been hurt, oh, so many times.  I prayed that He would help her through that, and if He could...help her avoid it.  But that's unrealistic.  We all go through that.  I watched her sleep and prayed so earnestly to God that He would protect her heart from shattering...being broken may be unavoidable...but that He could in some way keep her from ever feeling like her heart was shattered.


As the car spun round and round the image of my Nephew's face became clearer and clearer.  Suddenly, the spinning felt like it was in slow motion.  I heard the screeching tires and the sound of honking horns.  I heard the voice of my best friend and my voice as we screamed for our lives.  But the car, to me, moved as it was in slow motion.  Each 360 degree turn went slower and slower...it felt as if this car would never stop turning. Suddenly I heard a voice in my head...it was my own.


I shudder when I think about what I heard. Quite clearly and directly I heard my voice say to me, "The car is going to flip over now, and you are going to die." I did not shout it.  I was not loud.  It was a very calm and matter of fact voice, even for me.  All at once my heart ached and I whispered the words, "Help us Jesus".  I reached out and grabbed what I thought to be my friend's wrist...I'm not sure if I actually did that...and I'm afraid to ask her...but in my memory of that moment I did.  I found that I was bracing myself, getting ready for some type of impact.  I heard my voice again, "You'll see the grass soon, don't be afraid."  Immediately after that, a wall of dirt and grass came shooting up the side of the car I was on and everything went black for a moment.  "This is it", I heard myself whisper.


But it was not.


The car stopped moving.


My senses cleared and I looked around.  My body shot out of the car as quickly as I could open the door.  I stood up blinking in the sun surrounded by the dust from the dirt that covered everything.  In a moment my best friend was standing in front of me yelling at me if I was ok.  I responded.  I watched as people from other cars jumped out and ran to us.  I watched them run over to the woman's car who hit us...her car had flipped over many times, enough to land her on the other side of the high way.  


I looked down and saw the tall grass I was standing in moving gently in the breeze.  I looked down at my hands.  I looked down at my body.  I looked at my best friend to see if I saw an visual marks that we had just been in an accident....nothing.  Then when we looked at each other again...


We started laughing.


It was a nervous laughter that comes before you start to cry.  She teared up a bit as she realized she was ok.  I teared up for the same reason.  We were alive.  How that happened was amazing to me...especially because while in the car...I KNEW I was going to die.  I was bracing myself for it.  And the only thing in my mind at that moment...the only mental picture I had...the only thing that apparently my mind thinks of in a life or death moment is the image of something that truly matters...something my mind feels is more important than anything else.


That was represented clearly by the face of my Nephew, Nathanael. 


When my sister-in-law and brother were pregnant with him and deciding on a name, they chose Nathanael Seth because his name in Hebrew means, "Gift of God" and "Appointed son of God".  


In retrospect, sitting here, sore but without a scratch on me, typing on my laptop, like I did before this accident many times, I have to wonder.  Nathanael's face represents all that God wanted to teach me in that moment.  That the important things that matter in our lives are what life is worth living for.  And that is a gift to us, God's children.  The people I love most in the world.  They are the one's that matter.  They are the one's I should focus time and energy to.  They are the one's who will keep my name alive forever and I should invest my time in them, that is truly my gift on this planet, a gift from God, my Father.  All the other crap I worry about.  All the other people who don't deserve the time and energy I invest in...they don't matter.  


Standing up next to that car after that crash, I realized one more thing.  It could have been so easy for my life to end that day.  I was in the perfect situation for it.  It could have been easy for my head to hit the window or for my neck to snap.  In an instant, I would be gone.  Maybe I would not have even felt it.  So why didn't it end?  Why didn't my best friends life end?  


Because its not over for us.  


Because we're not done with whatever it is we have yet to do here.


Because there is still time to do all those things we have yet to accomplish.


I don't know what she was thinking when this was all happening.  I wonder if she'll ever know that as my best friend she is more than just that to me...she is like a sister.  I wonder if she'll ever know that I am so grateful I didn't loose her and that she is in that list of "People that Matter" to me.  But most importantly I wonder if she knows that her life was spared because its not over for her yet.  Earlier in the car ride, she and I spoke about plans she had for her future. Things she was planning and wanted to do.  I smile now because I know that she'll get to do those things.  All of them.  And I'll be around to see her do them! I wonder if she realizes how close she came to loosing that.  I am so happy that I will still have more adventures with her.


I end this post with this thought:  Whatever direction or goal I am meant to achieve...I am so blessed that I am being given the opportunity to achieve it.  Whatever "thing" I have yet to do...I am so grateful I am being given the chance to do it.  Maybe its fall in love, maybe its finish something I started, maybe its do something "great" or "important" for the world, maybe it to have a baby.  Whatever it is....


I am so thankful for being given the gift of completion.  


And I am forever grateful to the God who surrounded us while we spun round and round in that car and never let us fall.  

I am truly thankful.

If ever I needed to be reminded...

Today...above all...I needed to hear this...

Be reminded...

And NEVER let myself forget it again.