I have not written for a long while.
I often start many a blog with this same statement. Its apologetic nature makes me feel better somehow. Like I'm apologizing not just to whomever may come across this post, but mostly, to myself.
Often, I find that when I don't write for any amount of time, I come back to it like a child who has been disobedient to a parent. I feel I should apologize and explain myself. I feel as if the "parent" is somehow disappointed.
Truth be told, it is a bit disappointing...to me.
I know that when I stay away from writing it is because there is something going on in my life that, to me, is so incredibly f*ed up I choose not to write about it. Writing about it would mean not only acknowledging its actuality in my life but it would be like cementing the words out there, for all to see. Yes, I can delete it whenever I want. But you cannot delete the words you've seen in print as you are typing them and they are now set ablaze in your mind. Their existence bears witness to the fact that this thing, this horrid thing, has or is happening.
So to avoid a circumstances tangible-like entity, I choose to stay away from something I love so much...writing.
Like most things, however, eventually it needs to be confronted and dealt with. And those occasions, for me, happen when I listen to music. It takes one song to suddenly slap me in my face and force me to deal with "what is".
That song, for this moment, happens to be the one I posted above.
While I've heard this song a zillion times and it has come to mean so many different things to me over the past year. Today...2 days before the "new year", it means only one thing...
Saying goodbye to a life I once knew and thought I would always have.
The melancholy in the initial notes laid out by the piano keys are like a theme-song to this circumstance. They are like a never ending winding road...or like the feeling of the twisting and turning of a roller coaster. Those few notes then break and remind me that its time to get off this ride and walk away.....to say goodbye.
This year has been filled with overturned tables. I have to walk away from them knowing that despite the twisted version of comfort they sometimes gave me...they were toxic and I need to let them stay overturned and stop trying to make "right" what was meant for "wrong".
Looking back on this year, as if it was laid out before me, all I see is a field of battered and broken overturned and useless tables. Reminders of many words, thoughts, tears and frustrations. I never thought I would walk away from that. I admit that I really don't feel like its my choice anymore. Overturned Tables...turning into mournful memories.
I am angry.
I am so angry at 2 people.
One....she is me. I am angry that she had to hold her tongue back for the "benefit" of someone else.
The other....I never thought I could be mad at this person, at least not in the way my anger now burns. I am more than mad. I am disgusted and hurt.
The tables they turned over...I don't think can ever be fixed, replaced or forgotten.
They say that tomorrow has to be better because it can't get any worse lol.
I wonder what kind of furniture I will be faced with dealing with next year? So maybe this blog is my pathetic way of starting the process of saying goodbye to this person. Wouldn't it be so easy to say that it was some loser guy in some worthless relationship? Geez, I wish.
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