I thought that the thing I would try again would not bother me...
Remember the thing?
The "thing" I said I would never do then recanted and decided to do again?
Yeah, that.
Well, I told myself that I would not let it bother me if, in the end, it proved to have the same result as the last time. Well, I guess to some degree it was different...but in the end....its still the same. So now I am left with this feeling of, "Am I ever going to get it right?"
That feeling sucks.
And so now I am bothered...and that makes me hot....Not is THAT way...In the, "Oh Hell!" way. Whatever the case may be I have learned that at the end of the day I should remember something I learned a while back. Trust yourself. It can be argued that my "self" has been wrong occasionally...ok, more than occasionally...but sometimes, I really need to listen to myself. So maybe I was right with my first decision to never do that thing again, so I guess its serves me right for what I got. I don't know...All I know is that I'm just throwing my hands up in surrender and choose to focus on "projects" that will produce results I can count on. At least for a while.
Truth.
On a separate note...I was watching this very ridiculous reality show in which these women go to a "Match Maker" for him to yell at them and tell them how horribly shallow and rude they are and that is why they are still single. Yes, I am talking about "Tough Love". I found this one "exercise" he did with them quite interesting. While these women were on a date he (the Match Maker) broadcast personal photos and the like that he had found on the internet of the women. Photos from their FB pages, etc. He said that in this day and age when you begin to date someone, the first thing they do after meeting you is Google you to check out who you are. So the "lesson learned" in this "exercise" is to teach women to be careful about the person they "virtually" display so that people you are hoping to date don't get the wrong impression of you.
OK...that makes sense
But it got me to thinking about my "virtual persona". What, if anything, can a person gather about me should they happen upon this site? Or any other sites I may have? What, would they deduce about the person who writes this stuff? I wonder. I wonder because looking back on some of my posts...well, there are so many different things going on! Some of my posts are not even about me! But what will they take away from this blog? Or from that picture or that? What can honestly be judged about the person on the screen? And for that matter, am I representing the "Me" I really want others to see or is this a fabrication or shadow of the person I would like to be? I think it really is me...in lots of ways...even though not always completely me...which makes it more "Me" than anything else I do. Hmph!
I think that people are too quick to judge on images...I am guilty of this myself. Photos can "speak" loudly. But what of someone actual WORDS. Here are my actual words and thoughts and feelings. Like an online "diary" almost. Well, maybe not that personal, however, there are lots of very personal elements on this blog! Do I really want complete strangers reading my every thought? I find that this medium allows creative freedom and so my thoughts go bouncing off into the virtual sea of thoughts where someone might read them and say..."Wow". But then again, someone might see this and not even get as far as the first paragraph when they realize HOW MUCH I write! They'll get tired and bored and log off. And what can be said about me there after? Only that I probably talk to much. Its an interesting thought to ponder...what am I "showing" about myself and does it repel or attract?
I can't help but wonder...
Maybe one day someone will tell me...
For now...I think I'll have a glass of wine and call it a night :)
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