Isn't this supposed to be fun?

I thought so...

But it is not!

It is NOT FUN AT ALL!

It is the exact opposite of fun actually.   It is the kind of experience that makes my stomach hurt and I get that sense of dread feeling.  I hate that feeling.  And I find myself asking myself, "Why do you put yourself through this?"  I still do not have an answer to this.  Wasn't this experience supposed to bring some level of enjoyment?  That's what I was told.  Who told me?

The "they's".

You know who "THEY" are don't you?  THEY are the people who say things no one can prove.  THEY are the people who say all kinds things that sound right but in the end are shown to be either false or grossly exaggerated.  So I believed the "they's" that I heard about this being a good thing to do and a good thing to try.  

But each time I have to sit and actually do it...I feel like I am losing a portion of my life LOL.  I feel like my very essence is being sucked into this vortex.  I am tired of that feeling.  Why do I have to do it?  Who says I do?  What if I just don't want to?  What will happen?  Will it really be as bad as "they" say?  It can't be worse than it is now!  I abhor myself and even get a little disgusted with myself when I have to sit here and do the one thing that brings me not one moment of pleasure.  It feels like a chore.  

So you are by now completely frustrated and want to know what is this thing that I am doing.  I imagine you are.  Well, for sheer embarrassment I will not tell you.  All I can say is that this experience has not produced one moment of "goodness" since I began it.  It feels like a chore you try to bribe your youngest sibling to do for you.  Actually I would prefer to fold 1,000 loads of laundry than to have to do this for one minute longer.  But I am stuck!  I am stuck until April 18th.  It is then that I can free myself from this hideous experience!

I wish that I never did it.  Waste of time, energy, resources and and the wasted finger movements it takes me to press the buttons required on my laptop to accomplish this "task".  I am more than just over this thing.  What is more than just being over?  I'm so over it I flew right past it, swam and ran across it and lept over it that I've past it several times on my way around it!

So my vow...as I did make this into a commitment.  Is to continue to do this thing.  This horrible wretched thing until April 18th at which time I will bury its existence and never look back!  Even now I am smiling at the thought of it.  There has GOT to be a better way than what I have been doing!

There goes that over it feeling again....

I will make this promise to myself...The next time that "they" say that I should do...well ANYTHING...I will tell "them" to go to hell.

And then I will celebrate my rejection of "they's suggestion" with a glass of wine :)

Because "they" say its good for my heart...

Damn it! THEY strike again!

Deflated

Because that is how I feel.

It's almost laughable.  I have found myself in this spot again.  I swear my biggest problem is myself!  I am way to f""king nice!  Here is what I wanted to say:

"Who in the hell do you think you are?  I am trying to be nice!  And that is how you talk to me?  Go F""k Yourself!"

That is what I really wanted to say.

But I didn't.

I spoke in the most politically correct respectful manner I could muster just so that I would not get into an argument.  After the long day I have had and what looks to be an even longer night I just didn't feel like wasting my energy and arguing.  As a matter of fact, I don't like to argue! I did manage to make my point but even that was dismissed and laughed at!  What the hell.  Is this how you normally talk to a person????  Seriously?  When a person is trying to find out if you are ok this is how you speak to them?   FML!  But I just did not have the strength to go there.  To argue it out and make this dramatic scene.  Primarily because it just isn't that big of a deal to me and secondarily because based on the previous statements I knew that this person is so caught up in their own "business" there is no room to even conceive of another persons feelings.  

This lack of argument commitment on my part created the uncomfortable environment where I found it hard to continue listening and/or talking.  Some people just don't get it.  There I was trying to be nice, trying to be cool.  I don't know.This is what I get for being that way I guess.  Once again I manage to appear in someone's existence at the wrong place and at the wrong time.  Or maybe its just that they don't feel the need to put a person's feelings on their list of "Things I should not offend". Huh, who knows.

So as the conversation was winding down all I kept hearing was the sound a balloon makes as its deflating quickly...you know...that fart sound?  PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT! I will admit that I had a minor expectation.  Perhaps a "thank you for your concern" or maybe a "Here's what happened...." But instead I get some really insensitive lashing and ASSUMING of my feelings or intentions.  To quote a long since passed 90's movie and at the risk of sounding to cliche for words....AS IF!!!!!  I guess once again I think that people are going to behave with some sense of consideration or just plain kindness.  I guess that's too much to ask for.

So I have decided to give up. I am going to let this deflated balloon stay where it landed.  I mean, what is the point?

I have learned a lesson though...or more like a very satisfying realization of myself...I am so OVER being nice and then it not being appreciated.

I will return to my assumed idea that the "world revolves around me" and digress....

LOL...ugh!