Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who is going through a trial that many of us have faced.
A breakup.
At first I tried to do the "friend" thing and be encouraging and supportive and all that. I tried to get my friend to see the "bright side" of this situation and say phrases like, "you never know" and "be positive" and "if its meant to be it will return" blah, blah, blah.
Last night, however, I got to thinking about it. Actually it started out with praying for my friend for for strength that he would get through this. (Yes, surprisingly it is a guy who is all sad about a break up...shocked the hell outa me too! lol)
During my prayers a scripture verse came to my mind that I had repeated to him in passing but now, lying there praying in the dark, my biblical studies and theology brain jumped out at me and made me wonder what were the verses before and after that verse? And do they, if at all, relate to a situation such as this...a break up.
Does God only have words that apply to some moments and not others? I don't think so. So I looked it up. Originally, the scripture I quoted was Proverbs 13:12 (quite powerful). But here is the rest and how I think it might apply to me...to you...to my friend...to anyone who has been down that road of pain...
1 A wise son heareth his father's instruction:
but a scorner heareth not rebuke.
2 A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth:
but the soul of the transgressors shall eat violence.
This made me wonder about a relationship at the start. It made me think that there are those relationships that, at their commencement, may appear to be great, amazing even, accept for one thing...what if not everyone in your life is completely supportive of that relationship. What if people, whose opinion you usually defer too and even listen to, don't share in your "excitement" over your new "love". I think that there is a lot to be said about the counsel of our "fathers". What is a "father-figure" after all but a person who we place a mantle of authority over and whom we see as a "one who guides" or leads? So if your "fathers" are not so on board...maybe it deserves a bit of thought and reflection over how to proceed...or even if to proceed? The second verse responds to the first with a cautionary warning about not heeding the counsel of our "fathers"...it can and will produce violence. I don't think this verses are independent of each other. I think that the second is basically saying, "You better listen up when those in 'authority' over a matter give you instruction/advice, or else it will end badly, or even violently for you."
But what if the "fathers" in your life are supportive? Those natural beings in our life that all say, "Yes! She/He is perfect!" There is a lot to be said about the other "father" in your life. Most people would call it a conscience...I call it God. What if, there are moments during that relationship that a still-small voice within starts shouting and showing you yellow (and maybe even red) flags of warning. Well, the same would be true...if you don't listen...and you scorn the instruction...this transgression will lead to a violent end. The things this voice (God) is warning you about, may not be things our natural "fathers" can see. Things that only God knows about you and me. Things that He knows, in the long run, are going to negatively affect your world. Things that are going to make your life harder, more painful, sad and eventually lead you into wondering why you ever went forward with this relationship at all. And now, you start to either miss being single, or looking to someone else to provide you with the things you really always wanted but never wanted to acknowledge at the start of this relationship. This will thus produce what you were trying to avoid...a broken heart caused by a violent end.
"But if it were going to end badly for me", you might think, "why didn't my natural "fathers" and counselors see it?" Well, that's a bit harder to explain. Maybe they were only looking some and not all of the right elements of that person for you. They are nice, they are decent, they come from a good family, they have a job, etc. But let's face it...those can't be the only things we need, want or look for. We can all agree that there are things about us, deep things, that even our mothers, fathers, siblings and closest friends don't know. So maybe they were looking at the "relationship resume" of this person and thinking, "He/She is good on paper!" But God knew...and He knew that while the resume said, "Yes for Hire" the background check said, "HELL NO!"
3 He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life:
but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction
4 The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing:
but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.
This took some thinking about. Some praying for understanding. How would this apply to a situation of a loss in a relationship? It reminds me of another scripture that says "In the multitude of words, there is sin..." (Proverbs 10:19). Sometimes we speak over those who have provided counsel, we also speak over the thoughts and the warnings that are saying, "No, not now, not with this person." We rationalize and we analyze and we make a case for what we want, because we want it and no one is going to tell us we can't have it! We argue with the counselors and with the red and yellow flags! We're like the player who argues with the referees calls..."It was out!" "No, it was in!" We argue so much and talk over so much to distract ourselves from seeing the instant replay. From seeing CLEARLY what we are SUPPOSED to be looking at. The things that say, "this person, at this time, is NOT the one for you". But our open mouth leads to our destruction. Like the player who gets thrown out of the game because he argued with the call.
The latter verse calls a sluggard to the soul who has nothing. You have nothing now (the relationship is over isn't it?) because you did nothing. You did nothing with the warning. You did not listen. Instead you moved slowly, or not at all, like a sluggard. Dragging your feet and arguing about it all the way because, "I WANT THIS! IT HAS TO BE FOR ME!" When you want something you will see the "signs" that it should be yours in everything. In relationships we do this all the time. When we think we are in love with someone, even when there are things about that person that under usual circumstances would be non-negotiable, we find, or rather, LOOK FOR, signs that this person is the one. I have done this. Many times. The way they drink their coffee that is so similar to us. The way they finish our sentences. The way they like that stupid movie nobody accept for me, likes. And for Christians, the biggest is, "Well, they ARE a Christian". As if that is enough. But the truth is that what we are really doing is dragging our feet like the sluggard. We are dragging out the inevitable violent destruction of not just this relationship, but of our heart. All because we didn't pay attention to the REAL signs and flags. If only we would have really taken the time to think and to see, then we would have been made "fat". With happiness, with joy, with peace, with a true loving relationship that doesn't end....with God's best.
5 A righteous man hateth lying:
but a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame.
6 Righteousness keepeth him that is upright in the way:
but wickedness overthroweth the sinner.
So we go on in this relationship, maybe even happily for a while, completely convinced that this is "it". It has to be! We've "seen the signs". We've even received the "blessing" from our natural counselors and "fathers". But when something isn't right, truly right for us, it will surface. God will bring it out and up...like a dormant volcano that suddenly reawakens or like a geyser that's just been simmering for a while but now explodes with great force.
Eventually the relationship will be tested.
And the man/woman that's been lying to himself/herself about the validity, strength or truth of this relationship will have to face the reality that its not going to work. Someone will want out. And if you were the one holding onto it because you just HAD to have it...you're in for a rough ride. In the end, shame will drape itself over you. Shame because maybe you feel stupid for falling in love. Shame because, "I should have known better". Shame because you feel fooled. Shame because you went on what someone told you about themselves and not what God was showing you about them. And your lie to yourself has left you overthrown and downcast.
I have SO been there. I have lied to myself so many times about a relationship, KNOWING...deep, deep down...that there were things about this person that were not right for me. But because I felt "ready" for a relationship or had some need that I felt only this person could fill...I went for a temporal solution to what was a spiritual problem. I needed God to fill those things and make me complete...not this person. I needed security and to learn spiritual, physical and financial responsibility with God's help and guidance...not to need my securities filled by someone else's stable bank account or stable companionship. The signs I saw that made me tell myself that they were "true signs of love, connection and meant-to-be" were signs that any decent, kind, caring person should have. Because I longed to be treated decently, kindly and cared for...I saw those traits as accolades instead of basic fundamental parts of what all people should posses. Its like congratulating someone on the fact that they have lungs and can breathe. That's ridiculous. You were given lungs to breathe...that's what they do! Why do we congratulate and give medals to a person who treats us considerately and with respect. WE SHOULD DO THAT ANYWAYS. I know women fall into this because when we have only been treated with lack of consideration, the moment someone considers us we want to give them the medal of honor! But just because someone is kind, caring and even loving to you does not mean that THEY ARE THE ONE...it just means you are getting what you deserve...because we all deserve to be treated with kindness, love and caring.
7 There is that which maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing:
there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches.
8 The ransom of a man's life are his riches:
but the poor heareth not rebuke.
This one blew me away because when it comes to the case of a relationship...sometimes not having one, especially if it is not the right one for you, is a huge blessing. While having...money, possessions, many "loves" or "lovers" may appear to show wealth and happiness, if any of these things were not given by the God whose gifts never decay, you will eventually see them rot away and disappear. We then forfeit our lives and give them over as ransom to get this "thing", this "person", this "love". But all the while God has been saying "No" and rebuking our will that said, "Yes". Not because He doesn't love us, not because He wants us lonely and depressed, not because He wants to play this mind game with us and our heart, but because He KNOWS what is best, right and perfect for us.
9 The light of the righteous rejoiceth:
but the lamp of the wicked shall be put out.
10 Only by pride cometh contention:
but with the well advised is wisdom.
11 Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished:
but when the deisre cometh, it is a tree of life.
Obviously the context of the entire text is that it is wicked, wrong, and a transgression not to listen to the voices of good counsel. When it comes to relationships the wickedness that is produced from that lack of obedience is what we inevitably suffer. Its funny to me how people love to place this limitation on God. What I mean is that we like to limit him to only being this loving, gentle God. I often hear it said that God should only be love...love and that's all. But love sometimes says "No", or "Not now", or "Never". It does that because it loves us. Even the most loving mother, father, friend, etc., will tell the one they love, "No", if that "No" is for the benefit of the person. Therefore, God, who is the embodiment of love basically tells us that if we don't listen and watch for the right signs, and have a close enough relationship with HIM that we are able to decipher those signs, we will suffer. And we CAN'T blame God for that. We can't say, "You are not loving! You are allowing this suffering, this pain in me!" The truth is that He loved you enough to say, "No", but you didn't listen. We see what we want to see and move in that...instead of looking through the lens of truth.
Pride is ultimately going to rear its ugly head and we act and do things that make dealing with a break up or a relationship in general very, very hard. We want to send the blame out and put it to another person, "How could he do this to me?" "How could she treat me, ME, like that?" "Doesn't he know how wonderful I am?" "Doesn't she get what she is losing?" Our pride is a defensive protective mechanism that is used to "help" us deal with heartache. But that pride only brings contention. It contends with true healing. It fights it off and delays it because as long as pride exists we cannot recognize our error in judgement and realize that it was us who made the bad choice of being with someone who was not right for us. All the pride in the world won't make it right. And so instead of the healing of our heart starting quickly, it is delayed...slowed....and subsequently....deferred.
12 Hope Deferred maketh the heart sick:
but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
I finally come to the verse that started this whole thing, and the deep wisdom in its words are ever more true in the circumstances of any relationship...especially when one ends. It is true that when we breakup with someone we thought was the "one" there remains this hope that they will return. We picture every sappy love movie and remember ever corny love song we heard that speaks of love lost then found. We imagine him showing up at our door, flowers in hand, teary-eyed, begging to take him back. We see her in our dreams calling out to us and saying she was wrong and she should have never left. And we hope. Hope it will come true. We vow to wait and wait forever. We listen to songs about patiently loving "always and forever" and we write in our journals, blogs and Facebook posts about how we'll "Never let Go". After a while the longing and love turns into desperation, confusion, frustration, anger and somehow all that "forever" starts to feel like a huge burden. But where was all the "love" then? Didn't we confess love forever and ever? That's the problem with love that is not destined and designed from Him who gives love, it is twisted and becomes something unnatural and unreal and not lovely at all. It makes our heart sick. We dwell in the past and live without moving forward. We take out the transgressions of our long lost love on others and make the next relationship "pay" for their poor treatment of us.
We cry and yell out, "Why???" followed by, "Never again! I will never let my heart open up again". And because the human was not designed to live without love, we become sick. Sick in our mind and our heart. Our relationships become perverted and weird and dramatic and lonely and filled with problems because we never really healed from the past deferrements, we just carried that debt into the next relationship.
But wait, there IS hope. The next section of scripture says that when we do get our desire it is a blessing. But this is where I think we need to be careful. Does this scripture say that the relationship that ended will come back? Not necessarily, I think. I believe that instead it means that when it is truly the "right one" there will be no space for a hope that is deferred onto anything and therefore the heart will never become sick so that when the desire of our heart...to be loved and to love another...will come, it will be a tree of life giving fruit. Our relationship then will not become twisted, distorted and drama-filled. It will provide shade, breeze and nourishment to our soul and will produce fruit. Fruit of happiness, abundance, children...all the things we deeply want.
So there is hope out there. But we have to listen to the one who knows love best. The one who knows what love is and what kind of love we need and deserve. This section ends with a warning and a promise...
We cry and yell out, "Why???" followed by, "Never again! I will never let my heart open up again". And because the human was not designed to live without love, we become sick. Sick in our mind and our heart. Our relationships become perverted and weird and dramatic and lonely and filled with problems because we never really healed from the past deferrements, we just carried that debt into the next relationship.
But wait, there IS hope. The next section of scripture says that when we do get our desire it is a blessing. But this is where I think we need to be careful. Does this scripture say that the relationship that ended will come back? Not necessarily, I think. I believe that instead it means that when it is truly the "right one" there will be no space for a hope that is deferred onto anything and therefore the heart will never become sick so that when the desire of our heart...to be loved and to love another...will come, it will be a tree of life giving fruit. Our relationship then will not become twisted, distorted and drama-filled. It will provide shade, breeze and nourishment to our soul and will produce fruit. Fruit of happiness, abundance, children...all the things we deeply want.
So there is hope out there. But we have to listen to the one who knows love best. The one who knows what love is and what kind of love we need and deserve. This section ends with a warning and a promise...
13 Who so despiseth the word shall be destroyed:
but he that feareth the commandment shall be rewarded.
Be warned, and yet encouraged my dear friends. Don't despise the counsel of our "fathers" and especially not the loving guidance of our Heavenly Father. Fear...which in this case means respect and honor...His guidance for your life. If we do...He promises to reward us.
I pray for my friend.
I pray that he would be comforted in knowing that this pain will not be forever and that if he learns from this he will find peace and love for all the days of his life. I pray that anyone else reading this would be comforted to know that there is hope and happiness out there....
We just have to listen to the right voice.
