It was like living in a bad dream she could not wake up from. How did this happen? How did life lead her to this moment, this place? Adam died in her arms that day. She felt his life slip out of her hands like a vapor. Years later she would still remember the sound of his last breath. How she saw his eyes loose their life. Eyes once filled with more beauty and passion than she had ever known. This was one experience that would never leave her, no matter how much time would pass by. Over the past 2 years she had made it her personal mission to protect him, to try to save him. She had no idea that the one she should have protected him from was himself. Why did this happen? Her mind took her back. Back to the time when things were different. Back to the moment she stood in front of him for the very first time, and instantly fell in love with him.
Driving to a blind date was always nerve-wracking. She must have looked at herself in the rear view mirror a thousand times. Deciding to meet Adam that night was not an easy choice. A string of painful relationships and heartache told Abby that the likelihood of this date ending without sorrow in the future was slim. But it was something in his voice, something that peaked her curiosity about him. The way he made her laugh, out loud, while just talking on the telephone was amazing to her. But more than that it was the actual sound of his voice. Something in it that made her feel...at home. So of course she had to agree to meet him in person. Being the control freak she was, she arrived early and sat in the parking lot waiting for him. She was determined to get a good look at him before he saw her.
Abby was what she considered to be "average" looking. She knew she had some qualities about her physical appearance that made her somewhat attractive but she never considered herself to be an outright beauty. Growing up she had some insecurity issues that for the most part she had dealt with and put them behind her. By now she accepted that she was slightly heavier than she would have liked, but the extra pounds seemed to fill her out in all the most important areas. She always loved the large almond shape of her eyes and their color which played between light brown and hazel depending on the light. Her dark brown hair was finally being obedient to her and after all these years she had beaten it into submission and now looked what she considered to be fabulous. All in all she was more comfortable in her skin at this age than at any other time in her life. She kept hearing that the 30's were the new 20's and since she was approaching them, at 27 she felt more attractive and accepting of the nuances of her shape and look.
Applying one final coat of lip-gloss and checking herself in the mirror one more time she felt ready and excited to meet him. Her heart jumped a little when her phone rang, it was him. Was he going to cancel? Was he running late? She fumbled with her phone and then answered in her "sexy voice" a quick, "Hello?". His voice oozed out the phone, it could have been honey it was so sweet. "Hey, I just pulled up and I'm walking towards the Starbucks. Thought I'd find us a place to sit. Are you on your way?" She smiled to herself knowing she was already there sitting in the parking lot. "Um, yeah I'm actually here already." she said with a laugh. That's when she saw him. He was walking in the middle of the lot between the parked cars. She knew it was him instantly. He held his phone to his ear and glanced around him. She knew he was trying to spot her. At the risk of being labeled a weird stalker she watched him for a moment, taking in the sight of him. He was beautiful.
Adam was tall and slender. At almost six feet tall his height attracted her right away. She always liked a man she could look up to. Despite him being on the thinner side he had broad shoulders, which of course she liked right away. He walked very tall and straight giving him an authoritative gate. She loved the fact that he kept a well trimmed goat-tee which made men look clean and dangerous. His short hair was kind of like a haircut they give new recruits in the Army but lucky for him, she was into that kind of look. All in all he was what she considered her "perfect" physical type. But what absolutely drove her wild was his smile. Even from where she sat she could see the dimples he had. He was like a charming young man and a grown up all at once. She felt something she had not felt for many years. That school-girl attraction. The kind of attraction you feel towards your high school crush. The one that wakes you up early each morning so you can spend a few more minutes getting your look just right in the event he walks by and notices you. That attraction that makes your stomach flip and your heart beat so loud you could hear it in your ears when in class he asks you if you have an extra pen. It was weird to feel that again. She told herself once that what was most sad about growing up is that you loose to some extent things like the uncontrollable excitement over a crush. However, this moment proved her so wrong. Her heart seemed to be leaping out of her chest and its beats made it difficult to hear him talking to her over the phone.
"You're here already? Where? Are you inside?" he nervously asked. She picked up on how she had derailed him slightly and it made her feel like she had a slight edge on him. "Well, I wanted to get here early so I could have a look at you and make sure you didn't look like a serial killer!", she laughed a little to hard for her own comfort. Laughter like that was a sure sign that she was more nervous than she would have liked him to know, looks like he'd have the edge this time. He stopped walking now and was standing in the parking lot looking around him, "Ok, well where are you? Its not fair that you can see me and I can't see you!" he was smiling ear to ear by now. She decided now was as good a time as any to make her approach. His guard was down and he seemed nervous, the perfect combination when first meeting someone on a blind date. Their nervousness matches yours so its easier to relate to them.
She opened the car door and said, "Ok, I'm walking towards you". She took a deep breath and made her way to the middle of the lot where he was. His back was to her and as he slowly turned around they made eye contact. This was the moment in which he first succeeded in taking her breath away. This would be a constant in their relationship. She found herself smiling back at him and they hugged once they got close enough to each other. "So we finally meet", he said smiling with his eyes. "Yeah", was all she could get out without her voice trembling. They walked towards the coffee shop smiling stupidly at each other. After ordering the same drink which amazed them both they sat by the door. "You can take the comfy chair" he offered. She hesitantly agreed. Abby was one of those people who hated sitting with her back to the door. Her friends used to joke with her that maybe she was a mafiosa in a former life. "I just like to see whats coming", she would reply. She accepted his offer to sit in the plush seat as a sign of him being a gentleman, but later she would find out that he had the same issues about his back being towards the door like she did. Only in his case, his reasons were much different.
Conversation was never a challenge for Abby, and it seemed that Adam was just as comfortable talking to her. They had no trouble jumping onto a topic and going on and on. Time seemed to stand still. Abby had never experienced this feeling before. Talking with Adam was like disappearing altogether. The walls of the Starbucks faded away. She no longer heard any other conversations around her. The music playing in the background became a low backdrop to their conversation. Everything else in the world didn't seem to matter at that moment. There was only him. His words. The movement of his hands as he spoke. The way he sat with his leg crossed against the other at the ankle. The way he clapped his hands and then covered his mouth when he laughed. She loved the way he would lean to one side as he laughed, usually towards his right. To this day should could not recount every word of their conversation but she would always remember how much she enjoyed it. He told the story of a past relationship that went sour and she shared her love woes as well. They spoke on things everyone tells you not to on a first date. But was it really a first? They were so comfortable together, it was like sitting with an old friend.
When he shared his story of a past significant relationship and how difficult its ending was for him to overcome her instinctual mothering mode clicked into play. She saw a vulnerability in him that had he noticed he was displaying it he might not have felt comfortable doing so. But that short moment of transparency and weakness drew her in, like a moth to a flame. Her friends were right about her. Introduce Abby to a guy that has some type of past trauma or emotional issue and she's hooked. Most, if not all the men she had previously dated had some type of past circumstance that made their vulnerability appealing to her. Perhaps it was her desire to rescue. Or maybe it was her longing to feel needed. Either way, she was now presented with another broken heart that she would do her best to mend.
Lost in his eyes and in the conversation and he with her, they didn't notice the servers sweeping up, clearing tables, and stacking chairs. The coffee shop was closing and they hadn't noticed they were the only ones left. "Um, sorry but we're closing", the teenager said mildly annoyed. "Oh, wow, sorry!" Adam apologized, "Time flies when you're having fun I guess." The teen rolled his eyes and motioned for the door. He was clearly not interested in being a part of their magical moment. Adam held the door open for her as they walked outside. It was late and felt late. The parking lot was nearly empty as they walked toward her car. Talking and laughing a bit more she leaned against the trunk of her car and watched him. She didn't want the night to end and he seemed so interested she thought that he might just want the same thing.
"I gotta admit something", she said shyly. "I am dying to smoke a cigarette! Is that totally gonna gross you out?", she asked. She had recently started smoking again, she liked to blame it on stress. Back in high school Abby dabbled with smoking unbeknown to her parents and sometime around the beginning of college she had quit but all these years later and after her last breakup she picked it up again. Something about that puff of smoke seemed to bring peace to her. But she recognized that not everyone felt the same. As a matter of fact even at 27 she was still hiding the fact that she smoked from her family. "Not at all", he reassured her. "As a matter of fact I'll join you, I've been dying for one too". Each brought their preferred brand and he lit hers before himself. Through the smoke they smiled at each other and at discovering yet another thing they shared, all be it bad for their health she remembered him commenting. The night passed as on a breeze and she grew more comfortable joking and laughing and being herself with him. There were no pretenses with Adam, no need to be fake or play the games most women play on first dates. It was comforting to meet someone that she didn't have to worry about being silly with, he seemed to enjoy her weird humor. He was like a breath of fresh air.
"I really am glad we met", she admitted. "Me too", he agreed. "Maybe we can see each other again? I mean, if you're interested?" She loved that he asked this question, to her it meant that he wanted to be sure she wanted to see him again as much as he wanted to see her. "Sure, I'd like that" she said in a low almost embarrassed voice. She stared down at the floor. Her nerves were rattling now, there was that heart beat again. She knew it was coming and a million thoughts were beginning to race in her head. He took a few small steps towards her. She looked up to find him looking down at her. They stared at each other for a moment. She could smell the appealing fragrance of his cologne. It smelled clean and fresh. Her eyes traced the shape of his neck all the way to his mouth and for the first time she notices how soft they looked. He may as well of worn a sign around his neck that read, "Extremely kissable lips...Beware!" Abby had a strict rule about never kissing on the first date. It was an easy rule for her to follow, she just didn't do it. And until this moment she had never had been provided an opportunity when she had to question that rule. She had never been tempted to break her rule before. But there was something about him. He was like a magnet that was pulling her in.
He leaned in slowly and she followed in after him. Her heart was racing as her eyes went back from his lips to his eyes to his dimples and back again. He got close enough to where she could feel his breath on her cheek. He tilted is head slightly and reached to touch her hand. She felt exhilaration when she felt his skin touch hers. His other hand ran up the small of her back until it got to the back of her neck where he gently stroked her hair. Shock waves of intensity flowed from his body like an electric current and she felt that the waves would overtake her. Her eyes slowly began to close as she felt herself let go and give in to him. They got close enough to where she could almost feel his lips on hers, a fraction of a millimeter separated them. She could give in so easily. She could forget it all and let rapture take over. But those damn rules popped up in her head and instead of crossing that tiny gap between reality and ecstasy she found herself turning her head ever so subtly. Its as if her neck had a mind of its own and she was powerless to stop it. Instead of meeting the lips that seemed so inviting with her own, he gently grazed their corner and kissed her cheek. Her heart raced in a panic when he backed away with a confused look on his face. "Oh, sorry", apologized with a low voice. She did not move she could not think or breathe. Even that kiss on the cheek felt better than anything she could have imagined. But this moment of bliss was interrupted when she realized that the confusion in his face melted into what seemed like hurt, or maybe disappointment.
"Oh don't be sorry", she said almost pleading. His head had only backed away from hers slightly but compared to how close they had been he may as well have been across a football field. "Its just," she started. "No its ok, I get it", he interrupted trying to hide the embarrassment in his voice. "No, no, you don't understand. I mean, I WANT to kiss you" she admitted as the color in her face changed. He smiled as he took her comment to mean a welcoming invitation for another try. As he leaned in she raised her hand and touched his chest. The muscles under his shirt flexed and she was instantly dumbfounded by how his chest felt. Here she had assumed that she'd feel a thin, frail man, instead she found a muscular and lean Adonis! She bit her lip and felt a hot wave of emotion come over her. "What I mean is", she started again in a breathless voice, "you'll get one of those when we get to know each other a little better". How she was even able to speak was beyond her. He had a power over her that was almost mystical. She looked up into his eyes and found him smiling at her. He was enjoying this game she was playing. He smiled at her and said, "Oh, ok, ok. Maybe if I play my cards right, huh?" and chuckled slightly.
He was still holding her hand and gently caressing her neck. With his eyes still watching her he slowly released his hold of her. She breathed a sigh of relief that she had dodged a bullet and most importantly not offended him. The feeling of his touch left aftershocks that she would feel for hours later. "Well, its real late, you should probably get home", he whispered. She reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone. Pressing a button made the phone light come up and she gasped in shock when she realized it was 3:45 in the morning! They had agreed to meet at 8:30 earlier that night. Could it be that they had spent over 7 hours together and it had flown by. The time knocked her back into reality and she laughed nervously. "Oh my god, it is so late. I've kept you out longer than I thought", she said with a coy smile. She was flirting, and it was working. He smiled and leaned in to hug her. This she happily accepted.
Reaching around him she buried her face into his neck and shoulder, a place most women love to be on a man. She knew that his cologne would leave its fragrance on her and she would smell him all the way home. The thought made her smile. He leaned his mouth down toward her ear and said, "You did keep me out longer than I thought too, but I'm ok with being yours to keep." Again she felt as if she couldn't breathe. It was the most wonderful feeling. As they slowly pulled away from each other he reached out and gently touched her face with one hand. Stoking it gently he leaned toward her and gave her the softest kiss on the other cheek while almost whispering, "Goodnight".
It was the first time in longer than she could remember that they had planned to go out on a "date".
Abby was desperate to find a way to reconnect with him. She hated to admit that she was looking for some kind of sign of hope in which to stay together. Whatever they did tonight had to in some way remind her why she was still sticking around after all that had happened. At least that was what she was praying for. It had been over a year and they were nothing like the people they were before he left. Everything was different. They hardly even spoke. In the past, you could not get her to shut up. Abby would talk Adam's ear off all the time. And even if he seemed to either tune her out or be annoyed by it, he was really always listening. And he would talk her head off about all kinds of things too! He would go on for hours about football, or politics or why it was important to change the oil of her car, "Every 3000 miles Abby! Not every 5000!". They would stay up at night in the dark and talk and laugh about silly things. She would call him during the day when he was on base and he would always call her back. Talking was never an issue for them.
The plan to have a night out together had actually come from his suggestion. She was admittedly shocked since as of lately he really had pulled back from initiating any romance. Before he always did things like send her flowers for no reason or surprise her with a rented room in some random place for fun. Back in those days she never used phrases like, "its been a long time since". So when he approached her with the idea of "doing something special" she felt a feeling she had not in some time, hope. He did, however, leave the decision of the location up to her. She could only think of one place. She wanted to take him back to where it all started. That little coffee shop. By now those days and that place rang through her mind like a dream. There were days when she wondered if it was ever like that.
Now, all he did was watch T.V. or search for things for hours on the internet. He would go days without showering or shaving. She swore that if he wore that horrible green t-shirt one more time she would burn it. When he did speak he never really looked at her. It was hard for her to explain it. "Its like he's looking through me, not at me", she told her best friend one night on the phone. "I mean its like I'm there and he's there but its not really us. It's like the ghosts of who we were. Like if they are still trying to connect somehow but the people we are now are complete strangers not really interested in knowing each other." She was crying now, it always felt like talking about two dead people when she spoke of her relationship with Adam. "Have you ever tried to talk to him about it?", her best friend asked. But the answer was always the same, well, as of lately it was, "Hmmm, yeah right, you try talking to him about anything, see how far that gets you."
She couldn't help but compare her past and her present on a constant basis. It was like dealing with night and day. What was most shocking to her was that the most noticeable changes didn't take place until months after he'd come home. She remembered the day she waited for him at the airport.
She must have changed her outfit 15 times before she settled on something she was sure that he would like. She had done her hair the night before so it would have that "next day" look and the blue shirt she wore was not only his favorite color but showed off one of her best "attributes" in a subtle yet seductive way. Right before she left the house she sprayed on the perfume he loved, it was a floral clean scent with just a hint of spice. The traffic that day seemed endless and finding a parking space at the large airport was akin to a nightmare. She began to panic that she might not make it to the gate on time and he would be standing there waiting for her. He knew that she always ran late so maybe it would be a familiar welcoming. She tried to calm herself and not run like a mad woman through the terminal because she wanted to seem calm when he saw her and she definitely did not want to sweat.
She made it just in time. The plane was still pulling up to the gate and she watched it taxi in. Her heart was in here throat. Looking around she noticed an unusually large amount of women standing in the same area. Some holding signs, others flowers. She watched a young woman trying to calm the cutest little girl with pig tails and pink bows down by saying, "Daddy is coming soon! You don't want him to see you upset do you?" "No", said the little girl, "but I'm hungry!", she quickly argued. Abby smiled. Another girl, dressed a little too provocatively for her taste stood in the corner smacking and blowing bubbles with her gum. Abby thought she looked a little bored. To her left there was an older couple standing chatting to each other about how long it was taking the plane to come in and how they hoped he wouldn't be to upset about "Jennifer" not being there. Abby guessed that Jennifer must have been the wife or the girlfriend when the older gentleman's face went sour and he said, "There is no excuse Martha, she should be here". So many families and loved one's standing around made Abby feel awkward and a little sad. His family, though she knew they loved him, were not particularly involved in his life. And her family was still having trouble with the idea that she would "waste" her life on someone who would be gone for such a long time and there would be no guarantee that when he returned things would be o.k. between them. Her father's words replayed over and over in her mind.
She didn't care. She knew how much she loved him and how long she had waited and would wait for him. She looked down to check her outfit once more, everything seemed fine. Everything except she started to feel like she might be sweating. She tried to shake off the nerves by looking around and focusing at the other people standing there again when she saw him. He was still in his fatigues. He looked amazing. A little thicker and definitely more toned then when he left but his smile was the same wonderfully warm smile that she remembered. Suddenly it hit her how long it had been, eleven and a half months. When the thought of how long they had been apart hit her and now there he was, walking toward her, she burst into tears. When he saw her crying he quickened his pace to almost a run. He snatched her up and gave her the biggest hug. It felt so good to feel him in her arms again. He smelled like dust and soap. The clothing he wore was rough against here skin but it felt so familiar. She hugged him tight around his neck and with her left hand, rubbed the top of his smoothly shaven head. He was home.
They hugged for a long time, neither spoke. She had no words to express how she was feeling and he was so overcome with relief that she was there, he just enjoyed holding her. She opened her tear soaked eyes and looked into his face. He smiled at her and said, "I'm home baby, I'm home." She cried a little harder now. All those months of waiting. All those months of praying that he would come home safe and whole and here he was. She kept touching his face and hugging him but she could not speak. He put her down so her feet could touch the ground and he looked into her eyes. They burst out laughing. They must have looked like two insane people standing there amidst the crying families, laughing. He always knew how to make her smile and laugh out loud. When the laughter calmed down a bit he, still smiling, touched her face gently and said, "I've been waiting for this part". He kissed her passionately. It felt like someone had breathed air into her lungs. She hadn't noticed until that moment that for the past eleven months she had not taken a deep breath. When he released her lips she exhaled. It felt amazing.
They could not get home fast enough. He wanted to drive, he missed his truck, and she was happy to be sitting in the passenger seat again. When the car roared as he turned it on he looked at her and smiled. "Yes, I kept up with the oil changes! Every 3000 miles, not every 5000". They laughed again. She slid as close to him as the seats would allow. He placed his arm around her and never moved it all the way home. "First order of business?", he said as he pulled out of the parking space, "McDonalds!" she answered for him., knowing how much he must have missed his cheeseburgers. "Oh, ok, McDonald's", he replied with a coy smile, "I had something else in mind but we can go with that if you want." He was laughing now. She looked at him with her eyes wide open and yelled, "Take me home!" They laughed and talked the whole ride. He noticed how much the trees had grown since he had last been home and was sad to hear that the Italian restaurant had closed because the owner passed away and his son did not want to take it over. The sun was just setting over the horizon and it threw beautiful colors of pink, orange, yellow, purple and blue into the sky. He rolled the windows down and hung his head out as far as he could out of the window and took a gigantic deep breath. "I'm home!", he shouted out of the window. "People are going to think you are crazy you know!", she teased. She was so happy to see him him this way. Her father's words melted away as she watched him inhale and exhale the clean air. As they got closer to the house he seemed to speed up. She touched his knee and said, "Um, you think you can get us there in one piece? I kinda wanted to enjoy you for a little while". "Slow down? You must be nuts!" She didn't remember how they got into the house, or even if he had put the car in park before he jumped out, ran to her side of the truck and scooped her out of the seat. He practically dragged her into the house.
It was about 3 o'clock and he would be coming home from his weekly meeting around four. Keeping the house clean had recently become almost "mandatory" so she was cleaning up the kitchen. Their little apartment had changed so much over the past year and a half. While he was gone it became almost an obsession to keep it exactly the way it was when he left. She was so worried he would be hurt that she changed anything that even when things broke she left it for him to fix when he came home. One of the cabinet handles in the kitchen cupboard had fallen off and even though she would chip a nail every time she opened it, she refused to fix it. The magazines he was reading before he left still sat on his night table, in the same order. The lawn mower was still on the back porch, in the same spot, where he left it when he had finished mowing the lawn and she "distracted" him with a temptation to come in the house. Her father finally convinced her to put the plastic cover over it so it wouldn't get damaged in the rain. She remembered to pull it off before he saw it. For the most part the house had stayed the same and that brought a sense of comfort to her. Like she knew he would be home and they would pick up where they left off. But as she wiped down the counter top she reminded herself that things were very different now.
He never used to care if the dinner dishes didn't get washed right after dinner. They used to flip a coin to see whose turn it was to wash. Now, however, he couldn't stand to see dishes in the sink. He would fly off the handle if there were any. This was one of the new realities she was learning to live with. One of the things he was going to these meetings for. She couldn't understand why he was going to that meeting anyways. "It's not like its helping", she said aloud. "Not like what's not helping", the voice said behind her. "Dammit! You scared the crap out of me!", she yelled clutching her chest. "Why do you sneak up on me all the time? I hate that!" She didn't even hear him come through the door. Wait, she hadn't even heard the car pull up. And it was early too. "Why are you home so early?", she asked. "What? A guy can't come home early?", he responded sarcastically. Rolling her eyes and folding her arms she looked at him for a few seconds before answering, "Why do you do that?" "What?", he snapped back. "Why do you always turn it into a fight? I'm just asking why you were early, you're never home this early, that's all." "I didn't know I had to give you a report every time I changed my plans", he said. She noticed that he was oddly scanning the room. Looking in this direction and in that direction, like if he was trying to find someone or something.
"There is no one here! God! Paranoid much?", she said, throwing the dish towel carelessly in the sink. He walked passed her and lifted it out of the sink and methodically folded it neatly and looped it around the oven handle. "Everything in its place", he said with a sarcastic grin. "Whatever, I'm going to take a shower. What time are we leaving tonight?" "Tonight?", he asked while reaching for the remote. "What's happening tonight?" She spun around faster than her sandals were ready for and nearly tripped over her own feet and yelled, "You forgot? How could you forget? We planned it yesterday, I left you a note, and I sent you a text before you left this morning! Don't even try to tell me you forgot!" He looked through her again, his eyes devoid of emotion. It was like talking to an empty room. "Oh, uh, yeah.", he said while scratching his head. "Oh, uh yeah?", she repeated angrily. "What does that mean?" "I mean yeah, that's right, we were going out or something. Right?" How could he not understand how important tonight was? Tonight was the night she had been hoping for. An excuse to go out and reconnect with the man she once knew, and he was blowing it off. "You know what? Forget it!", she yelled and then stormed out of the room.
She made it all the way inside the bathroom and had managed to shut the door before she collapsed on the floor in tears. Countless times she had cried herself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Maybe this would be another one of those nights. She didn't understand why their lives were so different. Why he had changed so much. He would have never forgotten a day that was important to her...before. The counselors at the Veterans hospital told her his moods might be slightly different since coming back but this was way worse than they had made it seem. But it wasn't always like this. It wasn't always like this. Not always. She repeated this in her mind again and again as the tears streamed down her face. She reached for the toilet paper to wipe her face when she heard a knock at the door, "Abby?", he said in a quiet voice. He opened the door and found her sitting on the floor. He stood there for a moment in silence. He did not know what to say. She looked up and noticed that he seemed sad. This amazed her. She hadn't really seen this look on his face. He moved very slowly toward her and steadying himself against the sink he sat down on the floor. He was staring at his hands. "Its been hard for you", he said after a long silence. "I know. I don't know how you put up with it." His voice was just above a whisper. "I...", he trailed off. She looked at him longingly. He had not said I love you in months. "I...", he started again. "I want to go out with you tonight", he said, noticeably changing what he was going to say. "Why?", she asked dryly. "I just think its important. I'm sorry if I forgot. These damn pills, sometimes they make my head so foggy. Please, let's go out, where ever you want to go." She shrugged her shoulders, "What's the point?"
She got up and walked back into the bedroom. She sat at the corner of her bed facing their night stand. She looked at herself in the mirror. He was not the only one who had changed. She looked so different than the woman he once knew. She felt lost. He walked out of the bathroom and stood at the other side of the bed. She could see his reflection in the mirror. Who was this person? It looked like Adam, but he sure didn't act or talk like Adam. "Please...baby", the last word seemed so forced. But hearing it felt like a favorite song you haven't heard in a while. He still had that power over her. She took a deep breath, got up, and walked into the closet and started picking out something to wear. She found that old blue shirt he liked. She would wear it one more time.
The coffee shop was full for this time of night. The university nearby had a coffee place on campus so the students used to frequent it for the most part. Apparently budget cuts made them close it so the caffeine addicted hoard came in droves now. They had not been back to this place in a while. Maybe once since he had gotten back, they both felt how different it was. Their "spot" was taken over by a group of collegiates that seemed deep in a philosophical debate about the countries present issues. One girl was getting heated over health care issues while another girl mocked her enthusiasm, "Ladies and gentlemen, our next head of health care reform!" The group laughed. Abby and Adam were forced to sit in a small table near the bathroom. The table was minuscule and Adams long legs seemed to pour across the floor blocking people from passing by. He began to get annoyed every time he had to move them. Abby's drink was weak tasting and there was not enough caramel in it, she decided not to complain though. Adam seemed on edge. The music was ordinarily not that loud she thought. Even the conversations around them seemed to be in shouting levels. Maybe it was because they were not talking that they noticed how loud the place was. "Has it always been this loud?", she asked, raising her voice so he could hear her. "I don't know, seems more crowded too", he answered, yelling back.
She would have tried to be a good sport about it and make the best out of it but Adam looked miserable. He kept looking around and fidgeting in his chair. He didn't want to drink any coffee because he said he didn't need another reason to be kept awake all night. Even when Abby suggested a caffeine free beverage he refused, "What's the point of drinking coffee if it has no caffeine?" he asked. They sat there for a while, Adam continually fidgeting and moving his legs out of the way for people entering and exiting the bathrooms, and Abby trying to sip this poor excuse for a Caramel Machiatto. She was about to bring up topic of conversation when the girl behind the counter dropped one of the metal cups on the floor. It made the most horrific metallic crashing sound. Adam jumped strait out of his chair and it fell back against the floor with another loud crash. His sudden movement scared Abby and she tipped her cup of coffee over onto the table. She hardly noticed it because she was far to engrossed in Adam's expression. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. His face was pale white and he was breathing so rapidly she was afraid he would hyperventilate. Making matters worse was everyone in the shop noticed him jump up and started laughing, loudly. One guy in the back yelled out, "Where's the bomb dude?" People laughed harder. Without looking at Abby he rushed passed her and confronted the young man. "What did you say?", he yelled. Abby ran after him and tried to pull him back by his shoulder. She could not move him.
"Repeat that! What did you just say?" Adam looked like a maniac. His eyes were bulging and he was gripping the student by his elbow. Abby was afraid she might snap his arm off. "Adam! What are you doing? Let him go!", she yelled at him. "Yeah let me go asshole!" the kid yelled back. Adam seemed to go into a blind rage. He pushed the guy back until he lost his balance and fell back on top of another person sitting on a big cushioned chair. "Adam, stop it!", Abby begged, but it was like he didn't hear her. Adam pinned the young student to the chair while he writhed around trying to get out of Adam's grip. During the struggle Adam's dog tags came out from under his shirt and hung down in front of the students face. Someone in the back said, "Holy shit, he's one of those crazy soldiers. He's about to go nuts, let's get the hell outa here!" Adam heard this. As quickly as his anger flared up, he calmed down. His eyes changed and he blinked several times. He looked around the room with an apologetic stare. "I...I'm....I'm sorry", he managed to stammer out. He loosened his grip on the kid and began to back away. No one said a word, they all collectively back up from him as well. Abby stood shocked and motionless. She had never seen him like this. "Hey man, we don't want any trouble", a voice said behind her. She turned to see a familiar face. He looked much older now it seemed. It was the same teenage boy that had asked them to leave all those years before. Now he was doing the same but for a completely different reason. "Please leave before I call the police." Adam looked deflated. He backed away from everyone and headed toward the door, "I'm so sorry", he said as he pushed it opened and walked outside.
Abby was to shocked and too afraid to be embarrassed. That was until she noticed she was still standing there and everyone was looking at her. Her face blushed bright red and her cheeks felt hot. She turned to go to their table where she left her purse but the girl who had dropped the metal cup was standing there holding it out to her. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over him". Her words fell on deaf ears. They all looked at her with fear and anger. She made her way around the few people that blocked her exit and hurried out the door. She ran to the truck where Adam stood next to smoking a cigarette and pacing back and forth. She didn't say a word to him, she was afraid to. She got into the cabin and closed the door. The silence in the car was deafening. She watched him through the window as he smoked. What a different experience this had been from their first. Now he smoked, alone, and she was inside the car trembling with fear. Funny how she had no fear meeting a complete stranger for the first time and here she was scared to death of a man she had known for five years. Adam finished his cigarette and flicked it out of his hand. He walked over to the door and stood staring at her through the window. His face seemed so lost and far away. He got into the truck and turned the ignition. The roar of the engine startled her even more. He sat for a moment, they both stared forward. He, too ashamed to look at her, and she was griped with fear. He moved after a while and pulled the gear into reverse but before moving the car he whispered, "I'm sorry Abby, I'm so sorry." The truck rolled back and they drove home in silence.
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It was the first time in longer than she could remember that they had planned to go out on a "date".
Abby was desperate to find a way to reconnect with him. She hated to admit that she was looking for some kind of sign of hope in which to stay together. Whatever they did tonight had to in some way remind her why she was still sticking around after all that had happened. At least that was what she was praying for. It had been over a year and they were nothing like the people they were before he left. Everything was different. They hardly even spoke. In the past, you could not get her to shut up. Abby would talk Adam's ear off all the time. And even if he seemed to either tune her out or be annoyed by it, he was really always listening. And he would talk her head off about all kinds of things too! He would go on for hours about football, or politics or why it was important to change the oil of her car, "Every 3000 miles Abby! Not every 5000!". They would stay up at night in the dark and talk and laugh about silly things. She would call him during the day when he was on base and he would always call her back. Talking was never an issue for them.
The plan to have a night out together had actually come from his suggestion. She was admittedly shocked since as of lately he really had pulled back from initiating any romance. Before he always did things like send her flowers for no reason or surprise her with a rented room in some random place for fun. Back in those days she never used phrases like, "its been a long time since". So when he approached her with the idea of "doing something special" she felt a feeling she had not in some time, hope. He did, however, leave the decision of the location up to her. She could only think of one place. She wanted to take him back to where it all started. That little coffee shop. By now those days and that place rang through her mind like a dream. There were days when she wondered if it was ever like that.
Now, all he did was watch T.V. or search for things for hours on the internet. He would go days without showering or shaving. She swore that if he wore that horrible green t-shirt one more time she would burn it. When he did speak he never really looked at her. It was hard for her to explain it. "Its like he's looking through me, not at me", she told her best friend one night on the phone. "I mean its like I'm there and he's there but its not really us. It's like the ghosts of who we were. Like if they are still trying to connect somehow but the people we are now are complete strangers not really interested in knowing each other." She was crying now, it always felt like talking about two dead people when she spoke of her relationship with Adam. "Have you ever tried to talk to him about it?", her best friend asked. But the answer was always the same, well, as of lately it was, "Hmmm, yeah right, you try talking to him about anything, see how far that gets you."
She couldn't help but compare her past and her present on a constant basis. It was like dealing with night and day. What was most shocking to her was that the most noticeable changes didn't take place until months after he'd come home. She remembered the day she waited for him at the airport.
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She must have changed her outfit 15 times before she settled on something she was sure that he would like. She had done her hair the night before so it would have that "next day" look and the blue shirt she wore was not only his favorite color but showed off one of her best "attributes" in a subtle yet seductive way. Right before she left the house she sprayed on the perfume he loved, it was a floral clean scent with just a hint of spice. The traffic that day seemed endless and finding a parking space at the large airport was akin to a nightmare. She began to panic that she might not make it to the gate on time and he would be standing there waiting for her. He knew that she always ran late so maybe it would be a familiar welcoming. She tried to calm herself and not run like a mad woman through the terminal because she wanted to seem calm when he saw her and she definitely did not want to sweat.
She made it just in time. The plane was still pulling up to the gate and she watched it taxi in. Her heart was in here throat. Looking around she noticed an unusually large amount of women standing in the same area. Some holding signs, others flowers. She watched a young woman trying to calm the cutest little girl with pig tails and pink bows down by saying, "Daddy is coming soon! You don't want him to see you upset do you?" "No", said the little girl, "but I'm hungry!", she quickly argued. Abby smiled. Another girl, dressed a little too provocatively for her taste stood in the corner smacking and blowing bubbles with her gum. Abby thought she looked a little bored. To her left there was an older couple standing chatting to each other about how long it was taking the plane to come in and how they hoped he wouldn't be to upset about "Jennifer" not being there. Abby guessed that Jennifer must have been the wife or the girlfriend when the older gentleman's face went sour and he said, "There is no excuse Martha, she should be here". So many families and loved one's standing around made Abby feel awkward and a little sad. His family, though she knew they loved him, were not particularly involved in his life. And her family was still having trouble with the idea that she would "waste" her life on someone who would be gone for such a long time and there would be no guarantee that when he returned things would be o.k. between them. Her father's words replayed over and over in her mind.
She didn't care. She knew how much she loved him and how long she had waited and would wait for him. She looked down to check her outfit once more, everything seemed fine. Everything except she started to feel like she might be sweating. She tried to shake off the nerves by looking around and focusing at the other people standing there again when she saw him. He was still in his fatigues. He looked amazing. A little thicker and definitely more toned then when he left but his smile was the same wonderfully warm smile that she remembered. Suddenly it hit her how long it had been, eleven and a half months. When the thought of how long they had been apart hit her and now there he was, walking toward her, she burst into tears. When he saw her crying he quickened his pace to almost a run. He snatched her up and gave her the biggest hug. It felt so good to feel him in her arms again. He smelled like dust and soap. The clothing he wore was rough against here skin but it felt so familiar. She hugged him tight around his neck and with her left hand, rubbed the top of his smoothly shaven head. He was home.
They hugged for a long time, neither spoke. She had no words to express how she was feeling and he was so overcome with relief that she was there, he just enjoyed holding her. She opened her tear soaked eyes and looked into his face. He smiled at her and said, "I'm home baby, I'm home." She cried a little harder now. All those months of waiting. All those months of praying that he would come home safe and whole and here he was. She kept touching his face and hugging him but she could not speak. He put her down so her feet could touch the ground and he looked into her eyes. They burst out laughing. They must have looked like two insane people standing there amidst the crying families, laughing. He always knew how to make her smile and laugh out loud. When the laughter calmed down a bit he, still smiling, touched her face gently and said, "I've been waiting for this part". He kissed her passionately. It felt like someone had breathed air into her lungs. She hadn't noticed until that moment that for the past eleven months she had not taken a deep breath. When he released her lips she exhaled. It felt amazing.
They could not get home fast enough. He wanted to drive, he missed his truck, and she was happy to be sitting in the passenger seat again. When the car roared as he turned it on he looked at her and smiled. "Yes, I kept up with the oil changes! Every 3000 miles, not every 5000". They laughed again. She slid as close to him as the seats would allow. He placed his arm around her and never moved it all the way home. "First order of business?", he said as he pulled out of the parking space, "McDonalds!" she answered for him., knowing how much he must have missed his cheeseburgers. "Oh, ok, McDonald's", he replied with a coy smile, "I had something else in mind but we can go with that if you want." He was laughing now. She looked at him with her eyes wide open and yelled, "Take me home!" They laughed and talked the whole ride. He noticed how much the trees had grown since he had last been home and was sad to hear that the Italian restaurant had closed because the owner passed away and his son did not want to take it over. The sun was just setting over the horizon and it threw beautiful colors of pink, orange, yellow, purple and blue into the sky. He rolled the windows down and hung his head out as far as he could out of the window and took a gigantic deep breath. "I'm home!", he shouted out of the window. "People are going to think you are crazy you know!", she teased. She was so happy to see him him this way. Her father's words melted away as she watched him inhale and exhale the clean air. As they got closer to the house he seemed to speed up. She touched his knee and said, "Um, you think you can get us there in one piece? I kinda wanted to enjoy you for a little while". "Slow down? You must be nuts!" She didn't remember how they got into the house, or even if he had put the car in park before he jumped out, ran to her side of the truck and scooped her out of the seat. He practically dragged her into the house.
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It was about 3 o'clock and he would be coming home from his weekly meeting around four. Keeping the house clean had recently become almost "mandatory" so she was cleaning up the kitchen. Their little apartment had changed so much over the past year and a half. While he was gone it became almost an obsession to keep it exactly the way it was when he left. She was so worried he would be hurt that she changed anything that even when things broke she left it for him to fix when he came home. One of the cabinet handles in the kitchen cupboard had fallen off and even though she would chip a nail every time she opened it, she refused to fix it. The magazines he was reading before he left still sat on his night table, in the same order. The lawn mower was still on the back porch, in the same spot, where he left it when he had finished mowing the lawn and she "distracted" him with a temptation to come in the house. Her father finally convinced her to put the plastic cover over it so it wouldn't get damaged in the rain. She remembered to pull it off before he saw it. For the most part the house had stayed the same and that brought a sense of comfort to her. Like she knew he would be home and they would pick up where they left off. But as she wiped down the counter top she reminded herself that things were very different now.
He never used to care if the dinner dishes didn't get washed right after dinner. They used to flip a coin to see whose turn it was to wash. Now, however, he couldn't stand to see dishes in the sink. He would fly off the handle if there were any. This was one of the new realities she was learning to live with. One of the things he was going to these meetings for. She couldn't understand why he was going to that meeting anyways. "It's not like its helping", she said aloud. "Not like what's not helping", the voice said behind her. "Dammit! You scared the crap out of me!", she yelled clutching her chest. "Why do you sneak up on me all the time? I hate that!" She didn't even hear him come through the door. Wait, she hadn't even heard the car pull up. And it was early too. "Why are you home so early?", she asked. "What? A guy can't come home early?", he responded sarcastically. Rolling her eyes and folding her arms she looked at him for a few seconds before answering, "Why do you do that?" "What?", he snapped back. "Why do you always turn it into a fight? I'm just asking why you were early, you're never home this early, that's all." "I didn't know I had to give you a report every time I changed my plans", he said. She noticed that he was oddly scanning the room. Looking in this direction and in that direction, like if he was trying to find someone or something.
"There is no one here! God! Paranoid much?", she said, throwing the dish towel carelessly in the sink. He walked passed her and lifted it out of the sink and methodically folded it neatly and looped it around the oven handle. "Everything in its place", he said with a sarcastic grin. "Whatever, I'm going to take a shower. What time are we leaving tonight?" "Tonight?", he asked while reaching for the remote. "What's happening tonight?" She spun around faster than her sandals were ready for and nearly tripped over her own feet and yelled, "You forgot? How could you forget? We planned it yesterday, I left you a note, and I sent you a text before you left this morning! Don't even try to tell me you forgot!" He looked through her again, his eyes devoid of emotion. It was like talking to an empty room. "Oh, uh, yeah.", he said while scratching his head. "Oh, uh yeah?", she repeated angrily. "What does that mean?" "I mean yeah, that's right, we were going out or something. Right?" How could he not understand how important tonight was? Tonight was the night she had been hoping for. An excuse to go out and reconnect with the man she once knew, and he was blowing it off. "You know what? Forget it!", she yelled and then stormed out of the room.
She made it all the way inside the bathroom and had managed to shut the door before she collapsed on the floor in tears. Countless times she had cried herself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Maybe this would be another one of those nights. She didn't understand why their lives were so different. Why he had changed so much. He would have never forgotten a day that was important to her...before. The counselors at the Veterans hospital told her his moods might be slightly different since coming back but this was way worse than they had made it seem. But it wasn't always like this. It wasn't always like this. Not always. She repeated this in her mind again and again as the tears streamed down her face. She reached for the toilet paper to wipe her face when she heard a knock at the door, "Abby?", he said in a quiet voice. He opened the door and found her sitting on the floor. He stood there for a moment in silence. He did not know what to say. She looked up and noticed that he seemed sad. This amazed her. She hadn't really seen this look on his face. He moved very slowly toward her and steadying himself against the sink he sat down on the floor. He was staring at his hands. "Its been hard for you", he said after a long silence. "I know. I don't know how you put up with it." His voice was just above a whisper. "I...", he trailed off. She looked at him longingly. He had not said I love you in months. "I...", he started again. "I want to go out with you tonight", he said, noticeably changing what he was going to say. "Why?", she asked dryly. "I just think its important. I'm sorry if I forgot. These damn pills, sometimes they make my head so foggy. Please, let's go out, where ever you want to go." She shrugged her shoulders, "What's the point?"
She got up and walked back into the bedroom. She sat at the corner of her bed facing their night stand. She looked at herself in the mirror. He was not the only one who had changed. She looked so different than the woman he once knew. She felt lost. He walked out of the bathroom and stood at the other side of the bed. She could see his reflection in the mirror. Who was this person? It looked like Adam, but he sure didn't act or talk like Adam. "Please...baby", the last word seemed so forced. But hearing it felt like a favorite song you haven't heard in a while. He still had that power over her. She took a deep breath, got up, and walked into the closet and started picking out something to wear. She found that old blue shirt he liked. She would wear it one more time.
The coffee shop was full for this time of night. The university nearby had a coffee place on campus so the students used to frequent it for the most part. Apparently budget cuts made them close it so the caffeine addicted hoard came in droves now. They had not been back to this place in a while. Maybe once since he had gotten back, they both felt how different it was. Their "spot" was taken over by a group of collegiates that seemed deep in a philosophical debate about the countries present issues. One girl was getting heated over health care issues while another girl mocked her enthusiasm, "Ladies and gentlemen, our next head of health care reform!" The group laughed. Abby and Adam were forced to sit in a small table near the bathroom. The table was minuscule and Adams long legs seemed to pour across the floor blocking people from passing by. He began to get annoyed every time he had to move them. Abby's drink was weak tasting and there was not enough caramel in it, she decided not to complain though. Adam seemed on edge. The music was ordinarily not that loud she thought. Even the conversations around them seemed to be in shouting levels. Maybe it was because they were not talking that they noticed how loud the place was. "Has it always been this loud?", she asked, raising her voice so he could hear her. "I don't know, seems more crowded too", he answered, yelling back.
She would have tried to be a good sport about it and make the best out of it but Adam looked miserable. He kept looking around and fidgeting in his chair. He didn't want to drink any coffee because he said he didn't need another reason to be kept awake all night. Even when Abby suggested a caffeine free beverage he refused, "What's the point of drinking coffee if it has no caffeine?" he asked. They sat there for a while, Adam continually fidgeting and moving his legs out of the way for people entering and exiting the bathrooms, and Abby trying to sip this poor excuse for a Caramel Machiatto. She was about to bring up topic of conversation when the girl behind the counter dropped one of the metal cups on the floor. It made the most horrific metallic crashing sound. Adam jumped strait out of his chair and it fell back against the floor with another loud crash. His sudden movement scared Abby and she tipped her cup of coffee over onto the table. She hardly noticed it because she was far to engrossed in Adam's expression. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. His face was pale white and he was breathing so rapidly she was afraid he would hyperventilate. Making matters worse was everyone in the shop noticed him jump up and started laughing, loudly. One guy in the back yelled out, "Where's the bomb dude?" People laughed harder. Without looking at Abby he rushed passed her and confronted the young man. "What did you say?", he yelled. Abby ran after him and tried to pull him back by his shoulder. She could not move him.
"Repeat that! What did you just say?" Adam looked like a maniac. His eyes were bulging and he was gripping the student by his elbow. Abby was afraid she might snap his arm off. "Adam! What are you doing? Let him go!", she yelled at him. "Yeah let me go asshole!" the kid yelled back. Adam seemed to go into a blind rage. He pushed the guy back until he lost his balance and fell back on top of another person sitting on a big cushioned chair. "Adam, stop it!", Abby begged, but it was like he didn't hear her. Adam pinned the young student to the chair while he writhed around trying to get out of Adam's grip. During the struggle Adam's dog tags came out from under his shirt and hung down in front of the students face. Someone in the back said, "Holy shit, he's one of those crazy soldiers. He's about to go nuts, let's get the hell outa here!" Adam heard this. As quickly as his anger flared up, he calmed down. His eyes changed and he blinked several times. He looked around the room with an apologetic stare. "I...I'm....I'm sorry", he managed to stammer out. He loosened his grip on the kid and began to back away. No one said a word, they all collectively back up from him as well. Abby stood shocked and motionless. She had never seen him like this. "Hey man, we don't want any trouble", a voice said behind her. She turned to see a familiar face. He looked much older now it seemed. It was the same teenage boy that had asked them to leave all those years before. Now he was doing the same but for a completely different reason. "Please leave before I call the police." Adam looked deflated. He backed away from everyone and headed toward the door, "I'm so sorry", he said as he pushed it opened and walked outside.
Abby was to shocked and too afraid to be embarrassed. That was until she noticed she was still standing there and everyone was looking at her. Her face blushed bright red and her cheeks felt hot. She turned to go to their table where she left her purse but the girl who had dropped the metal cup was standing there holding it out to her. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over him". Her words fell on deaf ears. They all looked at her with fear and anger. She made her way around the few people that blocked her exit and hurried out the door. She ran to the truck where Adam stood next to smoking a cigarette and pacing back and forth. She didn't say a word to him, she was afraid to. She got into the cabin and closed the door. The silence in the car was deafening. She watched him through the window as he smoked. What a different experience this had been from their first. Now he smoked, alone, and she was inside the car trembling with fear. Funny how she had no fear meeting a complete stranger for the first time and here she was scared to death of a man she had known for five years. Adam finished his cigarette and flicked it out of his hand. He walked over to the door and stood staring at her through the window. His face seemed so lost and far away. He got into the truck and turned the ignition. The roar of the engine startled her even more. He sat for a moment, they both stared forward. He, too ashamed to look at her, and she was griped with fear. He moved after a while and pulled the gear into reverse but before moving the car he whispered, "I'm sorry Abby, I'm so sorry." The truck rolled back and they drove home in silence.
