Once upon a time there was a girl....
A girl who felt too much...
A girl who believed too much...
A girl who knew too much...
A girl who hoped too much...
A girl who laughed too much...
A girl who talked too much...
A girl who smiled too much...
A girl who expected too much...
A girl who dealt with too much...
A girl who opened her heart too much...
A girl who let others hurt her too much...
A girl who prayed too much...
A girl who waited...and waited...and waited....too much...
And they killed her.
Friday
Saturday
Unexplainable
There are just some things I cannot explain. And though the thought of this infuriates me, as I love to act like I know EVERYTHING, I realize that there are just some topics, some areas, some things I cannot explain.
Its frustrating.
Especially when I see someone hurting. And they are asking me why they are hurting, and I KNOW the answer, but the answer is not what they want to hear. It's not what they can receive. So then I'm stuck in this moment saying something completely unintelligible like, "Well, because..." THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER! I wouldn't take that as an answer!
But how the hell do you tell a person an answer that they DO NOT want to hear. That they refuse to accept. That they tell you over and over again can't possibly be the answer??????????
Ok...I need to go back to the basics. Back to the truth of the moment and see what is really happening.
Our world is hurting. People are hurting. People are searching for an answer as to why they are hurt. And they are not looking so much for an answer as to why they got hurt, but more so why when being hurt, did others hurt them more. Or why they felt as if they were alone.
I need to seriously try to understand that concept.
What does it feel like to be alone?
What does it feel like to be abandoned?
What does it feel like to cry out for help...and no one answers?
Even in my most darkest moments. Even during the times I felt so afraid and I felt consumed by the darkest situation...I don't think I can ever really say that I ever REALLY felt abandoned or alone. I've never felt that. I don't know what it feels like to be completely and utterly alone. I don't know what it feels like to call out and have no one answer.
I know its because He's always been there. I know that even when there was no hope around...there was. I know that when all seemed to fail....He didn't. So how can I speak this and make it make sense to someone whose heart feels and has felt abandoned by the one I'm saying won't ever abandon or leave us?
All the theology and scripture and "proof" and evidence and bickering back and forth will never make someone who feels alone....feel that they are not.
I guess some people can call me lucky. I guess some people can look at me and say, "Well you must be some special person if when you called Him, He came." But is that right? What is it about me that "made it work"? What is it about what I do or did that made Him BE THERE...ALWAYS?
I can say "belief". But that's too....simplistic. Because the abandoned can say, "Well, there was a time I believed." So how do you answer a heart that is yearning for truth, and for....love. That there is love to be found. And its not hidden or secret or so mystically out of reach that its almost impossible to grasp.
How can I explain the Jesus I know?
How can I look at someone who is so great at keeping love out and keeping feeling away, and show them the God that I know? Because it didn't "work" for them. God didn't work for them. Jesus didn't work for them.
But it did for me.
So I still don't have an answer. I still have nothing profound to impart that will miraculously change anyones thinking. And I know all the "right" answers. But what if all those answers, still fall on ears that feel betrayed by God?
Now I'll pray for wisdom. I'll pray for gentleness. I'll pray for and open heart and open ears to hear the wounded. Not so I can provide an answer...because clearly I can't. But maybe....with the love I give....maybe with the embrace I offer.....maybe with the heart I open up.....I can show that I have all of that to give....Because HE has given it to me.
Maybe that's the answer. People have hurt you. People have betrayed you. But the God of Love who lives in my heart will never let me mistreat you like that...and maybe if you see love through me...maybe you can see God's love for you.
Is that grandiose? Is that ridiculous?
Maybe all that I've been through in my life...all the pain and the tears and the struggle....and still never feeling alone....never blaming God....never turning my back on him...brought me to a place where I understand His love for me....
And now its time to share it....
God, please help me. And speak your words of love and life through my lips...lest I fail miserably.
Friday
Moment Over
I had a revelation...
I had a moment where I stepped outside myself in order to talk to myself.
I had a one on one with me.
And I told my self to cut the crap.
I was letting so many days and weeks of peace and joy slip through my fingers because I was forgetting that when I try to carry my own burdens and worries, DAMN, they weigh a lot.
So after a loving tongue-lashing to myself I dropped the weight of those worries right where they belong...in His hands.
Man that was freeing!
So, like I told my sister...I had a moment. And now its over. And I feel great because I realize that I don't have to carry these things AT ALL. I don't have to worry about them or sort them out or figure them out or will myself to "make things happen".
I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
All I have to do is surrender all those thing that I think are so important and oh, so vital for me to have "now" or later or never or when the hell ever to the only person I know who can do it for me. The only one who can work it out and give it back to me all shiny and new and ready to be received...God.
It's amazing. I just have to let it go. Cause in the end He only wants good for me anyways. So anything "good" I want for me I'm gonna get anyway cause He's just that cool and loving. Anything that I need to get rid of I don't need to get rid of on my own...I just say, "I'm letting it go, please get rid of it for me" and He does. I don't have to say, "I'm going for that and I won't stop till I get it!" all I gotta say is, "Can I have it Daddy?" and there it is! So I put myself through a moment of confusion and frustration....but amazingly...
It was worth it.
Cause when I forget....He reminds me....and then I fall in love with Him all over again cause I remember that I always knew how great He was and is...and I have nothing to worry about anymore.
And I am happy that I, me, Lisi....I don't need to have the power to do squat...I don't need the energy or strength or posses any qualities that others think I need to get anything for my life....all I need is a God who loves me enough to move the skies for me and I am perfect.
And that....that is what you call....
Freedom :)
Thursday
confusion
It has been a long while...
A very long while....
Since I wrote down anything that was worth writing or speaking about. But as of lately I have realized that once again there are things here that I have left open-ended and undone. Things I should have finished that sit and collect dust around me as I turn my focus on other projects. All the while however there are specific things that keep going round and round and round. Things that today, came crumbling down on the landscape of my mind reminding me that I am still in the same place I was before...
Confused.
I am confused about that feeling I feel that I am desperately trying to avoid feeling.
I am confused about how I feel when I am around that specific thing that provokes that feeling and what I am supposed to do with that feeling once I walk away from it.
I am confused by the lights and flashes and thoughts in my mind that appear during a conversation where I shouldn't be thinking of that feeling yet there it is...nagging at me....making me...feel.
I am confused about the feeling of this feeling and how it feels when I try not to feel it at all.
I am confused about how one minute I think I am not the only one feeling this feeling and then suddenly realize that I just might be.
I am confused at how up and down and all around me this feeling feels and yet some moments I feel like I have no feeling at all.
I am confused about how confusing this feeling is.
After all of that I realize that there is something more critical at this point. A fact I am faced with. A harsh reality. The confusion has been festering because I keep trying to deny this damn feeling. I tell myself that my denial of it is for my benefit, but upon further reflection and self-analysis I realize, no, it is of no benefit to me to deny this thing. In fact, it is completely un-beneficial. I have in NO WAY benefited from pushing this feeling down, away, out of my mind and out of my sight. All it does is find a way back and I end up dwelling on how much I don't feel what I really feel.
Ugh....
The truth is, it makes me tired. So tired that I have decided to just let it go and keep being confused because the alternative....yeah, that would be just....I don't even know. I have been disarmed today and I don't like that feeling.
On another note....I had some recent inspiration to continue writing my book so I will get back to doing that...maybe that will be a better distraction. Yeah....I'll do that.
*Sigh*
A very long while....
Since I wrote down anything that was worth writing or speaking about. But as of lately I have realized that once again there are things here that I have left open-ended and undone. Things I should have finished that sit and collect dust around me as I turn my focus on other projects. All the while however there are specific things that keep going round and round and round. Things that today, came crumbling down on the landscape of my mind reminding me that I am still in the same place I was before...
Confused.
I am confused about that feeling I feel that I am desperately trying to avoid feeling.
I am confused about how I feel when I am around that specific thing that provokes that feeling and what I am supposed to do with that feeling once I walk away from it.
I am confused by the lights and flashes and thoughts in my mind that appear during a conversation where I shouldn't be thinking of that feeling yet there it is...nagging at me....making me...feel.
I am confused about the feeling of this feeling and how it feels when I try not to feel it at all.
I am confused about how one minute I think I am not the only one feeling this feeling and then suddenly realize that I just might be.
I am confused at how up and down and all around me this feeling feels and yet some moments I feel like I have no feeling at all.
I am confused about how confusing this feeling is.
After all of that I realize that there is something more critical at this point. A fact I am faced with. A harsh reality. The confusion has been festering because I keep trying to deny this damn feeling. I tell myself that my denial of it is for my benefit, but upon further reflection and self-analysis I realize, no, it is of no benefit to me to deny this thing. In fact, it is completely un-beneficial. I have in NO WAY benefited from pushing this feeling down, away, out of my mind and out of my sight. All it does is find a way back and I end up dwelling on how much I don't feel what I really feel.
Ugh....
The truth is, it makes me tired. So tired that I have decided to just let it go and keep being confused because the alternative....yeah, that would be just....I don't even know. I have been disarmed today and I don't like that feeling.
On another note....I had some recent inspiration to continue writing my book so I will get back to doing that...maybe that will be a better distraction. Yeah....I'll do that.
*Sigh*
Monday
Soap
"You promise that you will miss me?", she whispered in his ear.
The going away party was in full swing inside the hotel. Everyone had come to say their goodbyes to Adam. The fact that he was being shipped out was a great excuse for a party. For Abby it was bitter-sweet. Sweet because she knew that he had been in love with the idea of "serving my country" since they had met and she was happy that he was finally being given the chance to do so. And bitter because, well, he was going far away, into a dangerous country, and she knew one to many stories of women waiting for their husbands or boyfriends to come home only to have the Army show up at your doorstep to tell you that he was missing in action or declared dead or a prisoner of war. By now they had been together 3 years and she was more in love with him each day that went by. She was terrified of the idea of him not coming back.
The worst part was that she didn't really know when he was leaving. He got word of it earlier that week but did not give the details of when it would happen. Maybe he was sparring her from the reality of the situation or maybe he didn't know. It didn't matter, all that mattered was that he was leaving and he'd be gone for God only knew how long and she would miss him terribly. He agreed to having a party only because he knew how important it was to her. He was never one for grand gestures or being the center of attention so she knew he would feel awkward about it but she was determined to get it done. The party also served as a great distraction from what was to come. In the the days before the party she busied herself and her mind with preparations. From the location to the food and drinks, to the music that would play and the guests to be invited, she drowned her thoughts into every detail. But now, standing outside with him watching his every move, she realized that the planning was over and she had to face the reality that he was leaving. It hurt, God did it hurt.
Because the possibility of his inevitable deployment was made known earlier that year he had made her take a class led by the wives of men in the military in which they seemed to go over and over how much combat changes a man. And how much it will change you as a person and change your relationship and how hard it will be to remain faithful so, "If you already have in your mind that the time they are deployed is longer than you are comfortable with you should break it off now. This way they are not fantasizing over you and your perfect relationship while you are sleeping with their best friend." This was the "helpful" advice given to the group by Jen, the group leader, mother of 4, whose husband was what she called a "lifer". This meant he had a long career in the military and did not see himself ever leaving it. To Abby the term sounded like something you call a prisoner. And that was how she saw most of the women in the group. Women imprisoned by the life of waiting for their husband to come back for short bursts of time and then leave again to go fight in the war.
She really wasn't even sure she should be there. She sat and looked around at the depressing bunch and noticed each had a ring on that special finger where hers was still blinking with a neon sign that said "Vacancy". Why he wanted her to go to this meeting was confusing to her. Was he trying to tell her that one day she would be his wife and she would be more joined to the group than she is now? Was he trying to prepare her for his decision to be a "lifer" and trying to smooth her transition into her new role? Was it just an F.Y.I situation that he wanted her to get. She never really knew. But she sat quietly and listened to Jen go over the litany of "things to watch out for" upon your significant others return. This list she spoke of seemed so far removed from her mind that a lot of it she could not process. She felt that by now...she knew him. She knew his moods and his manners. She knew when he was upset or happy without him ever having to say a word. Did it really take knowing all these "signs" for her to notice that something was wrong with him. Maybe these women really didn't know their man, she thought. How could you not know he was different? Why did some women sound surprised or confused by the behavior of their partner? She couldn't help it but she knew that a cynical expression was now forming on her face.
"I don't even know how to talk to him anymore", said one woman who identified herself as Melissa. Melissa was a young and very pretty woman who was also very pregnant. She stroked her belly and looked down at it with what looked like to Abby to be apology. Melissa's long brown hair fell across her face and down her shoulders and settled on the top of her belly. She reminded Abby of the weeping willow tree. "I came tonight because I just don't know what to do", she said with tears in her eyes. "I feel like everything I say is wrong. Like even asking him what he wants for breakfast comes out in a weird unnatural way." Jen walked over to her and sat next to her in the empty folding chair. She grabbed her hand and brushed the hair out of her face and set it neatly and gently behind her ear. She looked at her for a long time and didn't say anything. To Abby the silence seemed uncomfortable after a while. Its as if they were communicating in some way and Abby had no idea what they were saying to each other. "This is the reality many of you will face when he comes back", Jen said after a long while. "How long had he been gone?" she said to Melissa. "About 13 months" said responded with a shrug of her shoulders. Thirteen months? That could not be right, though Abby. How could he "change" in such a short time? Melissa had to be exaggerating. According to Melissa her and her husband had been married for 8 years prior to his decision to join the Army. His decision came after they had some financial struggles and a recruiter talked to him about future security in the Army. She was excited for him to join and looked forward to seeing him happier. "We were both looking forward to him finally having a career and a future. We would always talk about it" she said. But how was it then that he came back with "problems" as she put it Abby thought?
Abby decided right then that these women were just overly emotional and grossly exaggerating the circumstances. She knew Adam would not come back and sit in dark rooms or watch for "the enemy" outside their windows like some of the other women spoke about. She also knew she would not be like Samantha, the outspoken youngest of the group who, after another long uncomfortable group silence jumped up and said, "Look, I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about but if Charlie comes back a head case, I'm gone. I mean who's gonna deal with that mess? Besides, why should my life have to be all depressing and frustrating cause he decided to do this?" Abby had to admit that even though she thought Samantha was an idiot she did have a point. It was their decision to do this, it was something they wanted. Why make it into an experience of suffering? Why not make seeing it as what it was, a job that he did, just like any other job? Jen looked at Melissa as if she was going to smack her but none the less replied to her remark as politely as she could, "You make an interesting point Sam, thanks for your input. And she's right", she said to the group, "You don't under any circumstances have to put up with anything. They made this choice and in turn you have choices as well. Samantha seems to have made her choice to leave if her husband comes back, how did you put it?" she asked sarcastically. "Oh yes, a head case" she remarked with venom in her voice. "But there are those of us whose choice will be to stay. To stick it out with the man that we love. Because we will hold on to the image of the man that once was and will believe that he will return to us. But the truth is ladies, that doesn't always happen. I hope that it does. I hope that when he comes back he will be the same person you know. But war, albeit cliche to say, changes a person. They will see and experience things we can only imagine or see in a movie. And the sooner you accept that some things will change, even if it is the smallest thing, the easier it will be for you, at least to some degree. And you will have to know if you are willing to deal with it."
The meeting ended with Jen passing out a card with her number on it and the numbers of other "lifer" wives and some websites with information on Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. Abby pushed the card into the bottom of her purse hoping to never see it again. Most of the women stood around sipping coffee and eating some of the food others had brought but Abby was determined to leave. As she maneuvered her way around the small group toward the door her exit became blocked by Jen who was standing in front of the doorway blocking her escape. "Hi there, you're new, I'm Jen". Jen made this introduction with a half smile but Abby picked up the "oh, you're not getting away that easy" look on her face. "Oh, uh, hi" said Abby shyly, "I'm Abby". "Nice to meet you Abby. What brought you hear tonight?" She said this while looking down at Abby's empty ring finger that seemed to be shouting at everyone in the room, "No I'm not married". "Uh, Adam's, uh, that's my, uh, boyfriend. He's leaving. I don't know when. But he is. And, uh, he wanted me to come here. So...yeah...here I am." Abby felt naked. She did it again, Jen stood there in silence staring at Abby. After a minute or so she said, "Well, we're here if you need us. I'm glad you came. Its great that he recognized that you might need us. Most women come on their own, not cause their partner suggested, so that's pretty great of him I think." "Yeah, I guess", Abby said. "You know, I know you must think we are all pretty sappy" laughed Jen. "You must be telling yourself that this will never be you. That we're the 'worst case scenario'", Jen said with a smile. Abby shifted nervously side to side. "Its ok, I understand. I've been right where you are. And I hope, and pray for that matter, that you never have to see my face again. But if you do, you'll know how to find me." "Yeah, uh, thanks" said Abby. Jen moved out of the way leaving the door free for Abby to walk through. As she passed Jen said, "Oh and Abby?" "Yeah?" Abby asked looking back. "Remember that no matter what he comes back like, he is still in there somewhere. He just might be lost a little."
------------------------------------------ --------------------- -----------------------------------------
There were more empty chairs tonight and many of the women who had been there in the past where not there tonight. Jen sat in her usual seat near the center of the circle and this time Abby sat next to her. The remnants of last nights emotionally charged experience with Adam in the coffee shop were still with her. She could still see his crazed look while he held the college student by the throat in her mind. That look shook her to her very core. She had never heard him even raise his voice before that and now he was jumping at people? What the hell happened? Her leg shook nervously through the meeting and she hardly paid attention. Tonight was different for her. She was there not just to listen, but now she had something to share. She didn't become a frequent visitor to the group until 7 months after Adam had gone. She never felt the need as strong until then. What triggered her to return to the meeting was a phone conversation she had with him. Soldiers were allowed periodic "morale" calls to family and friends back home. A way of keeping their spirits up while they were away. Adam had called for the first time after two months of being away. When he still sounded like the Adam she knew she remembered thinking that Jen and the group she had gone to before he left were full of crap. He sounded upbeat and happy. Subsequent phone calls after that were pretty much the same. But somewhere around his seventh deployment month something happened. She didn't know what it was. But his voice was different.
He was not as talkative and seemed a bit removed from the conversation. Abby kept having to repeat, "Hello?" several times because he would go silent and she was not sure if the call had dropped. But she put that out of her mind and thought that it was nothing. Conversations after that seemed to follow the same pattern accept that there was only 2 more calls between that first "weird" call and the last call he made before he returned home. When he called the last time he sounded so different that when she answered and he said, "Abby?" she said, "Yes, who's this?" Her inability to recognize his voice didn't seem to phase him and though she apologized profusely for not being able to recognize him he skirted around the issue and silenced it with, "I'll be coming home soon". The next few months seemed to be years in Abby's mind. She obsessed about his return every day. She thought she would get a phone call from him but the next 5 months went by without a call. Every time the phone rang during those 5 months her heart would leap into her throat but it always turned out to be someone else; her parents, his parents, a friend, a bill collector, everyone but Adam. It was not until he was in the base in Georgia that he called to say he was in the U.S. and when he would need her to get him from the airport, that, it would turn out, would not be for another 2 months or so. That call, although short, was more hopeful. He sounded happy and said he was looking forward to seeing her and that he missed her so much.
After she had picked him up from the airport she released any worries she had of him being "changed" because he was so "normal". He was the same Adam she remembered. At least he was until they got up to their room. Abby was ready and more than desperate to "welcome" Adam home the way she had been visualizing for a year and she kissed him in the way he would know that she wanted him. Her hands moved over his body and around to the bottom of his shirt. She was ready to tear it off of him but when she attempted to lift it he grabbed her hands and moved them around his neck. No big deal, she thought. Even after being apart for over a year Adam still wanted to play she told herself. She continued to kiss him as she stroked his back, making her way with her hands slowly down his back again and rounding his waist she tried once more to lift his shirt. Again, he grabbed her hands and moved them. This time though he pulled away from her. "What's wrong baby?" she asked with almost a whisper. Adam seemed nervous and looked down at the floor. "Uh, I guess its been a while. Uh, I'm gonna shower ok?" "Shower?" Abby said with a laugh. "Are you serious? Ok, shower then, I'll join you" she said with a look as close to seduction as she could muster. "Uh, why don't you wait for me, I'll be out in a minute" he said, still not looking at her. And with that he moved around her and rushed to the bathroom. Abby just stood there dumbfounded.
She was sure that he would have wanted to be intimate the whole ride home. She was sure he wanted her as he practically dragged her out of the car and into the house. And now that he had her right there he was going in for a shower? Abby was completely confused. But she decided not to press the issue. She went into the hallway and got some clean towels and some candles from the kitchen. Maybe by setting a "mood" it might help. Its understandable, she tried to convince herself. They've been apart for a long time, and he's tired form his trip, maybe he just needs a shower and everything will be fine. Ok, so he already smelled like soap when she picked him up, obviously he had already showered, but maybe he wanted his own shower, in his own home? The justifications for his behavior were getting harder to come by but she forced herself to create them none the less. She went back into the bedroom and strategically placed all the candles in different spots around the room. After lighting them she turned on the CD player he got her before he had left overseas and she put in one of their favorite artists albums. When she got the volume "just right" she decided that she would meet him in the bathroom and "help" him dry off. After all, in the past, he used to love it when she did that.
The steam from the shower provided a thick fog that filled the bathroom. She stood by the sink and watched him through the fogged glass. His body looked amazing, even better she had to admit, than when he left. Despite only being able to clearly see a silhouette she could see definition in his muscles. Something caught her eye however, a dark patch on his left side that seemed to extend around to his back. It started above his left hip and wrapped around his body toward the center of his back. It was a discoloration that reminded her of a healed skin burn, the scar from a severe burn. She edged closer to the shower door to have a better look when Adam said, "Hey!" She noted how his exclamation had not only surprise but a hint of anger in it. "Oh, sorry babe" she apologized "I just wanted to bring you a towel." She turned her back to him. She felt stupid standing there with her back to him. She had never not watched him in the shower. They were that kind of a couple that would have conversations while one showered and the other brushed their teeth, now she was turning from him as if she was embarrassed to look at him! "Adam? What's that on your side?"
The water shut off suddenly. The silence in the bathroom made her uncomfortable. "Can you wait for me outside?" he said dryly and a little annoyed. She put the towels on the counter and walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She sat on the bed and nervously bit her bottom lip. Her head was spinning with questions. She replayed his arrival over and over in her mind and tried to find any hint of something she did wrong but could not find anything. She was just about to go back in the bathroom and ask him what was wrong again when he opened the door. The candle lit room's romantic ambiance was disrupted by the bright bathroom light when he came through. She dared not look at him. She was anxious and nervous and she didn't know why exactly. A ball welled up in her throat and she realized that tears began to fill her eyes. "I'm sorry" although she was not sure why she was apologizing exactly. "I just missed you so much and I wanted...I wanted..." her voice trailed off. She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. Adam rushed to her and knelt down in front of her. He hugged her tightly. His soapy smell and wet skin were a comfort to her. She told herself that whatever just happened didn't matter, he was home, and that was the most important thing to her.
"Baby, don't cry" he whispered in her ear. Abby closed her eyes, relishing this moment in his arms. "Its just...uh" he sighed as he trailed off. When he began again his voice quivered, "Its just, some things have changed and I wasn't sure how you would take it." Abby pulled back from him, Jen's voice over a year before came flooding into her mind. She wondered what "change" he was tying to get at. In her panic she didn't notice that he had the towel he was wearing wrapped around his upper torso, like how a woman usually wears it after a shower. When she did notice it her face displayed her confusion. Adam, knowing he could not avoid it much longer stood up and removed the towel slowly. There, blanketing his side from his left hip, up to his lowest rib and all the way around to his back was a very noticeable, very unflattering, burn scar. Abby's face of shock and horror resonated with her loud cry of, "Oh my God! Baby what happened!" The tears burst threw like buckets of water now and she reached up around and hugged him. She tried not to hug him to tightly because she was not sure if he was in any pain. "I'm ok now baby. I promise. I'm ok" he said trying to reassure her. She pulled back and sat on the bed. The scar was so thick and painful to look at she started up into his face, "How did this happen?" "Its a long story" he said with a shrug, "All that matters is that I'm ok and its in the past." "But how, when..." Abby started to ask. "Shhh", he interrupted as he knelt down again in front of her, "It doesn't matter. Please. I don't want to talk about it." He kissed her on her cheek and wiped her tears.
Thousands of questions flooded into her mind and she wanted to ask them all but as he began to kiss her gently, first on the cheek, then her neck, then finally her lips each question melted away. Soon all questions left her mind as she was consumed with the way he felt and how good it was to have him there.
But now sitting on the hard, cold folding chair among this circle of women the questions she had that night and a host of other questions burned in her mind and nearly drove her to the point of madness when the groups attention was finally placed on her after Jen said, "I think Abby has something she'd like to share with us". Abby fidgeted in the chair and crossed her arms in front of her. It was more like hugging herself to keep from falling apart. "Uh, yeah" she started, trying to hold back the tears. "Um, last night...last night" but the emotions got the best of her and when the tears began to fall she lost all control and sobbed loudly. The women in the group who already knew Abby were shocked at this display. Abby, after all, was the quiet one. She never really spoke and only made her presence known when everyone would introduce themselves. Now here she was sobbing...and loudly! "Its ok hun", Jen said, stroking her back. It took her a few minutes to compose herself and she was amazed that everyone was so generous with giving her time to do so. "I'm sorry, its just, I don't know. It's just...I never thought this would be me" she said when she could get the words out. Slowly and with many breaks for more sobbing she recounted the story at the coffee shop. She was sure she would get looks of shock when she spoke but instead every pair of eyes she met were filled with understanding. "I've never seen him like that. I was so scared. Its as if he was a different person!" she explained. "I mean he's been weird for the past 2 months but in the beginning he wasn't like that. When he first came back and for almost 5 months he was fine! Or, maybe I thought he was fine but now that I look back, yeah, there were little things I noticed, but nothing like this!" Abby was talking in circles, and she knew it, but no one stopped her or questioned her, they just let her speak.
"I was actually afraid of being alone in the house with him! Me! Afraid of him! Its crazy right? I mean, I've never been afraid of him. He's never given me reason to be afraid of him. But its just that...I don't know" she gave up trying to explain. "Its just that he looked and sounded like a complete stranger during that moment" Jen finished for her. "Yeah" Abby said looking knowingly at Jen. "Yeah, like it was a different person. He apologized in the car and I know he's sorry but, I don't know, I mean, what if it happens again? What's wrong with him? He was fine...wasn't he? I mean, he was fine" The tears started up again and she shook her head over and over in disbelief. "I'm over-reacting right? This is just a fluke or something? This doesn't mean anything right?" Abby was desperate for answers. She surveyed the room for a glimmer of hope but what were once expressions of understanding were now faces of sympathy and hopelessness. All except for Jen's, her face showed determination and strength. For the first time since they'd met, Abby respected Jen. "Abby, I wish I could tell you that this is a fluke hun. I wish I could tell you that its no big deal and ignore it. But I can't. It would be a lie. Something must have happened to Adam. Something that changed him. Something that shocked and yes, traumatized him. And he has tried to bury it and deal with it by ignoring it. But now he can't do that anymore. And the life he lived there and the experiences he had altered his perception of life here. In his mind, and I get that this is hard for you to understand, but in his mind, he is still over there. And his brain can't understand why everyone is acting like there is not a war going on. And so he is on edge and afraid and wondering when another bad thing is going to happen. So he lives his life in what he considers to be 'ready' for anything that might try to hurt him. Psychologists call it 'hyper-vigilance'. He believes that he has to be vigilant against an enemy either real or unreal. Unfortunately what you experienced last night is just the tip of the ice berg and if he does not get help, well sweety, it only gonna get worse."
The pain that Abby felt in her heart when Jen spoke these words felt like a gun shot. She could not breathe. Get worse? How? Her mind raced. She felt hot and cold all at once. A new feeling began to wash over her, one that she would carry for a long while after that moment. The feeling of loss. Suddenly it felt as if the Adam she knew was dead and all the hope she had felt for the life she wanted with him was gone. Despair began to envelope her. Jen must have noticed it because she got up and grabbing Abby by the arms lifted her to her feet. "Now you listen to me!" she said forcefully. "You will not lose hope! All is not lost do you hear me? Just because I said what I said does not mean that you can't fight for what you want. Do you remember what I told you when I first met you?" Jen said looking deep into Abby's eyes trying to search for any sign of recollection. Abby searched her mind but came up blank. She was still reeling from Jen's first remarks. "Look at me!" Jen said shaking Abby after noticing she was loosing her to her thoughts again. "Remember that I said that no matter what he comes back like, he is still in there somewhere. He just might be lost a little. Do you remember that?" Abby nodded her head as she remembered Jen standing in the doorway blocking her failed attempt to escape from the group without notice. "Yeah, I remember" she managed to say. "Well then don't forget it. He's there, inside, some where. And he might be lost, but if you love him through this, you could be just the flashlight he needs to find his way back. Don't give up on him Abby. He needs you now more than ever."
The going away party was in full swing inside the hotel. Everyone had come to say their goodbyes to Adam. The fact that he was being shipped out was a great excuse for a party. For Abby it was bitter-sweet. Sweet because she knew that he had been in love with the idea of "serving my country" since they had met and she was happy that he was finally being given the chance to do so. And bitter because, well, he was going far away, into a dangerous country, and she knew one to many stories of women waiting for their husbands or boyfriends to come home only to have the Army show up at your doorstep to tell you that he was missing in action or declared dead or a prisoner of war. By now they had been together 3 years and she was more in love with him each day that went by. She was terrified of the idea of him not coming back.
The worst part was that she didn't really know when he was leaving. He got word of it earlier that week but did not give the details of when it would happen. Maybe he was sparring her from the reality of the situation or maybe he didn't know. It didn't matter, all that mattered was that he was leaving and he'd be gone for God only knew how long and she would miss him terribly. He agreed to having a party only because he knew how important it was to her. He was never one for grand gestures or being the center of attention so she knew he would feel awkward about it but she was determined to get it done. The party also served as a great distraction from what was to come. In the the days before the party she busied herself and her mind with preparations. From the location to the food and drinks, to the music that would play and the guests to be invited, she drowned her thoughts into every detail. But now, standing outside with him watching his every move, she realized that the planning was over and she had to face the reality that he was leaving. It hurt, God did it hurt.
Because the possibility of his inevitable deployment was made known earlier that year he had made her take a class led by the wives of men in the military in which they seemed to go over and over how much combat changes a man. And how much it will change you as a person and change your relationship and how hard it will be to remain faithful so, "If you already have in your mind that the time they are deployed is longer than you are comfortable with you should break it off now. This way they are not fantasizing over you and your perfect relationship while you are sleeping with their best friend." This was the "helpful" advice given to the group by Jen, the group leader, mother of 4, whose husband was what she called a "lifer". This meant he had a long career in the military and did not see himself ever leaving it. To Abby the term sounded like something you call a prisoner. And that was how she saw most of the women in the group. Women imprisoned by the life of waiting for their husband to come back for short bursts of time and then leave again to go fight in the war.
She really wasn't even sure she should be there. She sat and looked around at the depressing bunch and noticed each had a ring on that special finger where hers was still blinking with a neon sign that said "Vacancy". Why he wanted her to go to this meeting was confusing to her. Was he trying to tell her that one day she would be his wife and she would be more joined to the group than she is now? Was he trying to prepare her for his decision to be a "lifer" and trying to smooth her transition into her new role? Was it just an F.Y.I situation that he wanted her to get. She never really knew. But she sat quietly and listened to Jen go over the litany of "things to watch out for" upon your significant others return. This list she spoke of seemed so far removed from her mind that a lot of it she could not process. She felt that by now...she knew him. She knew his moods and his manners. She knew when he was upset or happy without him ever having to say a word. Did it really take knowing all these "signs" for her to notice that something was wrong with him. Maybe these women really didn't know their man, she thought. How could you not know he was different? Why did some women sound surprised or confused by the behavior of their partner? She couldn't help it but she knew that a cynical expression was now forming on her face.
"I don't even know how to talk to him anymore", said one woman who identified herself as Melissa. Melissa was a young and very pretty woman who was also very pregnant. She stroked her belly and looked down at it with what looked like to Abby to be apology. Melissa's long brown hair fell across her face and down her shoulders and settled on the top of her belly. She reminded Abby of the weeping willow tree. "I came tonight because I just don't know what to do", she said with tears in her eyes. "I feel like everything I say is wrong. Like even asking him what he wants for breakfast comes out in a weird unnatural way." Jen walked over to her and sat next to her in the empty folding chair. She grabbed her hand and brushed the hair out of her face and set it neatly and gently behind her ear. She looked at her for a long time and didn't say anything. To Abby the silence seemed uncomfortable after a while. Its as if they were communicating in some way and Abby had no idea what they were saying to each other. "This is the reality many of you will face when he comes back", Jen said after a long while. "How long had he been gone?" she said to Melissa. "About 13 months" said responded with a shrug of her shoulders. Thirteen months? That could not be right, though Abby. How could he "change" in such a short time? Melissa had to be exaggerating. According to Melissa her and her husband had been married for 8 years prior to his decision to join the Army. His decision came after they had some financial struggles and a recruiter talked to him about future security in the Army. She was excited for him to join and looked forward to seeing him happier. "We were both looking forward to him finally having a career and a future. We would always talk about it" she said. But how was it then that he came back with "problems" as she put it Abby thought?
Abby decided right then that these women were just overly emotional and grossly exaggerating the circumstances. She knew Adam would not come back and sit in dark rooms or watch for "the enemy" outside their windows like some of the other women spoke about. She also knew she would not be like Samantha, the outspoken youngest of the group who, after another long uncomfortable group silence jumped up and said, "Look, I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about but if Charlie comes back a head case, I'm gone. I mean who's gonna deal with that mess? Besides, why should my life have to be all depressing and frustrating cause he decided to do this?" Abby had to admit that even though she thought Samantha was an idiot she did have a point. It was their decision to do this, it was something they wanted. Why make it into an experience of suffering? Why not make seeing it as what it was, a job that he did, just like any other job? Jen looked at Melissa as if she was going to smack her but none the less replied to her remark as politely as she could, "You make an interesting point Sam, thanks for your input. And she's right", she said to the group, "You don't under any circumstances have to put up with anything. They made this choice and in turn you have choices as well. Samantha seems to have made her choice to leave if her husband comes back, how did you put it?" she asked sarcastically. "Oh yes, a head case" she remarked with venom in her voice. "But there are those of us whose choice will be to stay. To stick it out with the man that we love. Because we will hold on to the image of the man that once was and will believe that he will return to us. But the truth is ladies, that doesn't always happen. I hope that it does. I hope that when he comes back he will be the same person you know. But war, albeit cliche to say, changes a person. They will see and experience things we can only imagine or see in a movie. And the sooner you accept that some things will change, even if it is the smallest thing, the easier it will be for you, at least to some degree. And you will have to know if you are willing to deal with it."
The meeting ended with Jen passing out a card with her number on it and the numbers of other "lifer" wives and some websites with information on Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. Abby pushed the card into the bottom of her purse hoping to never see it again. Most of the women stood around sipping coffee and eating some of the food others had brought but Abby was determined to leave. As she maneuvered her way around the small group toward the door her exit became blocked by Jen who was standing in front of the doorway blocking her escape. "Hi there, you're new, I'm Jen". Jen made this introduction with a half smile but Abby picked up the "oh, you're not getting away that easy" look on her face. "Oh, uh, hi" said Abby shyly, "I'm Abby". "Nice to meet you Abby. What brought you hear tonight?" She said this while looking down at Abby's empty ring finger that seemed to be shouting at everyone in the room, "No I'm not married". "Uh, Adam's, uh, that's my, uh, boyfriend. He's leaving. I don't know when. But he is. And, uh, he wanted me to come here. So...yeah...here I am." Abby felt naked. She did it again, Jen stood there in silence staring at Abby. After a minute or so she said, "Well, we're here if you need us. I'm glad you came. Its great that he recognized that you might need us. Most women come on their own, not cause their partner suggested, so that's pretty great of him I think." "Yeah, I guess", Abby said. "You know, I know you must think we are all pretty sappy" laughed Jen. "You must be telling yourself that this will never be you. That we're the 'worst case scenario'", Jen said with a smile. Abby shifted nervously side to side. "Its ok, I understand. I've been right where you are. And I hope, and pray for that matter, that you never have to see my face again. But if you do, you'll know how to find me." "Yeah, uh, thanks" said Abby. Jen moved out of the way leaving the door free for Abby to walk through. As she passed Jen said, "Oh and Abby?" "Yeah?" Abby asked looking back. "Remember that no matter what he comes back like, he is still in there somewhere. He just might be lost a little."
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There were more empty chairs tonight and many of the women who had been there in the past where not there tonight. Jen sat in her usual seat near the center of the circle and this time Abby sat next to her. The remnants of last nights emotionally charged experience with Adam in the coffee shop were still with her. She could still see his crazed look while he held the college student by the throat in her mind. That look shook her to her very core. She had never heard him even raise his voice before that and now he was jumping at people? What the hell happened? Her leg shook nervously through the meeting and she hardly paid attention. Tonight was different for her. She was there not just to listen, but now she had something to share. She didn't become a frequent visitor to the group until 7 months after Adam had gone. She never felt the need as strong until then. What triggered her to return to the meeting was a phone conversation she had with him. Soldiers were allowed periodic "morale" calls to family and friends back home. A way of keeping their spirits up while they were away. Adam had called for the first time after two months of being away. When he still sounded like the Adam she knew she remembered thinking that Jen and the group she had gone to before he left were full of crap. He sounded upbeat and happy. Subsequent phone calls after that were pretty much the same. But somewhere around his seventh deployment month something happened. She didn't know what it was. But his voice was different.
He was not as talkative and seemed a bit removed from the conversation. Abby kept having to repeat, "Hello?" several times because he would go silent and she was not sure if the call had dropped. But she put that out of her mind and thought that it was nothing. Conversations after that seemed to follow the same pattern accept that there was only 2 more calls between that first "weird" call and the last call he made before he returned home. When he called the last time he sounded so different that when she answered and he said, "Abby?" she said, "Yes, who's this?" Her inability to recognize his voice didn't seem to phase him and though she apologized profusely for not being able to recognize him he skirted around the issue and silenced it with, "I'll be coming home soon". The next few months seemed to be years in Abby's mind. She obsessed about his return every day. She thought she would get a phone call from him but the next 5 months went by without a call. Every time the phone rang during those 5 months her heart would leap into her throat but it always turned out to be someone else; her parents, his parents, a friend, a bill collector, everyone but Adam. It was not until he was in the base in Georgia that he called to say he was in the U.S. and when he would need her to get him from the airport, that, it would turn out, would not be for another 2 months or so. That call, although short, was more hopeful. He sounded happy and said he was looking forward to seeing her and that he missed her so much.
After she had picked him up from the airport she released any worries she had of him being "changed" because he was so "normal". He was the same Adam she remembered. At least he was until they got up to their room. Abby was ready and more than desperate to "welcome" Adam home the way she had been visualizing for a year and she kissed him in the way he would know that she wanted him. Her hands moved over his body and around to the bottom of his shirt. She was ready to tear it off of him but when she attempted to lift it he grabbed her hands and moved them around his neck. No big deal, she thought. Even after being apart for over a year Adam still wanted to play she told herself. She continued to kiss him as she stroked his back, making her way with her hands slowly down his back again and rounding his waist she tried once more to lift his shirt. Again, he grabbed her hands and moved them. This time though he pulled away from her. "What's wrong baby?" she asked with almost a whisper. Adam seemed nervous and looked down at the floor. "Uh, I guess its been a while. Uh, I'm gonna shower ok?" "Shower?" Abby said with a laugh. "Are you serious? Ok, shower then, I'll join you" she said with a look as close to seduction as she could muster. "Uh, why don't you wait for me, I'll be out in a minute" he said, still not looking at her. And with that he moved around her and rushed to the bathroom. Abby just stood there dumbfounded.
She was sure that he would have wanted to be intimate the whole ride home. She was sure he wanted her as he practically dragged her out of the car and into the house. And now that he had her right there he was going in for a shower? Abby was completely confused. But she decided not to press the issue. She went into the hallway and got some clean towels and some candles from the kitchen. Maybe by setting a "mood" it might help. Its understandable, she tried to convince herself. They've been apart for a long time, and he's tired form his trip, maybe he just needs a shower and everything will be fine. Ok, so he already smelled like soap when she picked him up, obviously he had already showered, but maybe he wanted his own shower, in his own home? The justifications for his behavior were getting harder to come by but she forced herself to create them none the less. She went back into the bedroom and strategically placed all the candles in different spots around the room. After lighting them she turned on the CD player he got her before he had left overseas and she put in one of their favorite artists albums. When she got the volume "just right" she decided that she would meet him in the bathroom and "help" him dry off. After all, in the past, he used to love it when she did that.
The steam from the shower provided a thick fog that filled the bathroom. She stood by the sink and watched him through the fogged glass. His body looked amazing, even better she had to admit, than when he left. Despite only being able to clearly see a silhouette she could see definition in his muscles. Something caught her eye however, a dark patch on his left side that seemed to extend around to his back. It started above his left hip and wrapped around his body toward the center of his back. It was a discoloration that reminded her of a healed skin burn, the scar from a severe burn. She edged closer to the shower door to have a better look when Adam said, "Hey!" She noted how his exclamation had not only surprise but a hint of anger in it. "Oh, sorry babe" she apologized "I just wanted to bring you a towel." She turned her back to him. She felt stupid standing there with her back to him. She had never not watched him in the shower. They were that kind of a couple that would have conversations while one showered and the other brushed their teeth, now she was turning from him as if she was embarrassed to look at him! "Adam? What's that on your side?"
The water shut off suddenly. The silence in the bathroom made her uncomfortable. "Can you wait for me outside?" he said dryly and a little annoyed. She put the towels on the counter and walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She sat on the bed and nervously bit her bottom lip. Her head was spinning with questions. She replayed his arrival over and over in her mind and tried to find any hint of something she did wrong but could not find anything. She was just about to go back in the bathroom and ask him what was wrong again when he opened the door. The candle lit room's romantic ambiance was disrupted by the bright bathroom light when he came through. She dared not look at him. She was anxious and nervous and she didn't know why exactly. A ball welled up in her throat and she realized that tears began to fill her eyes. "I'm sorry" although she was not sure why she was apologizing exactly. "I just missed you so much and I wanted...I wanted..." her voice trailed off. She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. Adam rushed to her and knelt down in front of her. He hugged her tightly. His soapy smell and wet skin were a comfort to her. She told herself that whatever just happened didn't matter, he was home, and that was the most important thing to her.
"Baby, don't cry" he whispered in her ear. Abby closed her eyes, relishing this moment in his arms. "Its just...uh" he sighed as he trailed off. When he began again his voice quivered, "Its just, some things have changed and I wasn't sure how you would take it." Abby pulled back from him, Jen's voice over a year before came flooding into her mind. She wondered what "change" he was tying to get at. In her panic she didn't notice that he had the towel he was wearing wrapped around his upper torso, like how a woman usually wears it after a shower. When she did notice it her face displayed her confusion. Adam, knowing he could not avoid it much longer stood up and removed the towel slowly. There, blanketing his side from his left hip, up to his lowest rib and all the way around to his back was a very noticeable, very unflattering, burn scar. Abby's face of shock and horror resonated with her loud cry of, "Oh my God! Baby what happened!" The tears burst threw like buckets of water now and she reached up around and hugged him. She tried not to hug him to tightly because she was not sure if he was in any pain. "I'm ok now baby. I promise. I'm ok" he said trying to reassure her. She pulled back and sat on the bed. The scar was so thick and painful to look at she started up into his face, "How did this happen?" "Its a long story" he said with a shrug, "All that matters is that I'm ok and its in the past." "But how, when..." Abby started to ask. "Shhh", he interrupted as he knelt down again in front of her, "It doesn't matter. Please. I don't want to talk about it." He kissed her on her cheek and wiped her tears.
Thousands of questions flooded into her mind and she wanted to ask them all but as he began to kiss her gently, first on the cheek, then her neck, then finally her lips each question melted away. Soon all questions left her mind as she was consumed with the way he felt and how good it was to have him there.
But now sitting on the hard, cold folding chair among this circle of women the questions she had that night and a host of other questions burned in her mind and nearly drove her to the point of madness when the groups attention was finally placed on her after Jen said, "I think Abby has something she'd like to share with us". Abby fidgeted in the chair and crossed her arms in front of her. It was more like hugging herself to keep from falling apart. "Uh, yeah" she started, trying to hold back the tears. "Um, last night...last night" but the emotions got the best of her and when the tears began to fall she lost all control and sobbed loudly. The women in the group who already knew Abby were shocked at this display. Abby, after all, was the quiet one. She never really spoke and only made her presence known when everyone would introduce themselves. Now here she was sobbing...and loudly! "Its ok hun", Jen said, stroking her back. It took her a few minutes to compose herself and she was amazed that everyone was so generous with giving her time to do so. "I'm sorry, its just, I don't know. It's just...I never thought this would be me" she said when she could get the words out. Slowly and with many breaks for more sobbing she recounted the story at the coffee shop. She was sure she would get looks of shock when she spoke but instead every pair of eyes she met were filled with understanding. "I've never seen him like that. I was so scared. Its as if he was a different person!" she explained. "I mean he's been weird for the past 2 months but in the beginning he wasn't like that. When he first came back and for almost 5 months he was fine! Or, maybe I thought he was fine but now that I look back, yeah, there were little things I noticed, but nothing like this!" Abby was talking in circles, and she knew it, but no one stopped her or questioned her, they just let her speak.
"I was actually afraid of being alone in the house with him! Me! Afraid of him! Its crazy right? I mean, I've never been afraid of him. He's never given me reason to be afraid of him. But its just that...I don't know" she gave up trying to explain. "Its just that he looked and sounded like a complete stranger during that moment" Jen finished for her. "Yeah" Abby said looking knowingly at Jen. "Yeah, like it was a different person. He apologized in the car and I know he's sorry but, I don't know, I mean, what if it happens again? What's wrong with him? He was fine...wasn't he? I mean, he was fine" The tears started up again and she shook her head over and over in disbelief. "I'm over-reacting right? This is just a fluke or something? This doesn't mean anything right?" Abby was desperate for answers. She surveyed the room for a glimmer of hope but what were once expressions of understanding were now faces of sympathy and hopelessness. All except for Jen's, her face showed determination and strength. For the first time since they'd met, Abby respected Jen. "Abby, I wish I could tell you that this is a fluke hun. I wish I could tell you that its no big deal and ignore it. But I can't. It would be a lie. Something must have happened to Adam. Something that changed him. Something that shocked and yes, traumatized him. And he has tried to bury it and deal with it by ignoring it. But now he can't do that anymore. And the life he lived there and the experiences he had altered his perception of life here. In his mind, and I get that this is hard for you to understand, but in his mind, he is still over there. And his brain can't understand why everyone is acting like there is not a war going on. And so he is on edge and afraid and wondering when another bad thing is going to happen. So he lives his life in what he considers to be 'ready' for anything that might try to hurt him. Psychologists call it 'hyper-vigilance'. He believes that he has to be vigilant against an enemy either real or unreal. Unfortunately what you experienced last night is just the tip of the ice berg and if he does not get help, well sweety, it only gonna get worse."
The pain that Abby felt in her heart when Jen spoke these words felt like a gun shot. She could not breathe. Get worse? How? Her mind raced. She felt hot and cold all at once. A new feeling began to wash over her, one that she would carry for a long while after that moment. The feeling of loss. Suddenly it felt as if the Adam she knew was dead and all the hope she had felt for the life she wanted with him was gone. Despair began to envelope her. Jen must have noticed it because she got up and grabbing Abby by the arms lifted her to her feet. "Now you listen to me!" she said forcefully. "You will not lose hope! All is not lost do you hear me? Just because I said what I said does not mean that you can't fight for what you want. Do you remember what I told you when I first met you?" Jen said looking deep into Abby's eyes trying to search for any sign of recollection. Abby searched her mind but came up blank. She was still reeling from Jen's first remarks. "Look at me!" Jen said shaking Abby after noticing she was loosing her to her thoughts again. "Remember that I said that no matter what he comes back like, he is still in there somewhere. He just might be lost a little. Do you remember that?" Abby nodded her head as she remembered Jen standing in the doorway blocking her failed attempt to escape from the group without notice. "Yeah, I remember" she managed to say. "Well then don't forget it. He's there, inside, some where. And he might be lost, but if you love him through this, you could be just the flashlight he needs to find his way back. Don't give up on him Abby. He needs you now more than ever."
Friday
Coffee
It was like living in a bad dream she could not wake up from. How did this happen? How did life lead her to this moment, this place? Adam died in her arms that day. She felt his life slip out of her hands like a vapor. Years later she would still remember the sound of his last breath. How she saw his eyes loose their life. Eyes once filled with more beauty and passion than she had ever known. This was one experience that would never leave her, no matter how much time would pass by. Over the past 2 years she had made it her personal mission to protect him, to try to save him. She had no idea that the one she should have protected him from was himself. Why did this happen? Her mind took her back. Back to the time when things were different. Back to the moment she stood in front of him for the very first time, and instantly fell in love with him.
Driving to a blind date was always nerve-wracking. She must have looked at herself in the rear view mirror a thousand times. Deciding to meet Adam that night was not an easy choice. A string of painful relationships and heartache told Abby that the likelihood of this date ending without sorrow in the future was slim. But it was something in his voice, something that peaked her curiosity about him. The way he made her laugh, out loud, while just talking on the telephone was amazing to her. But more than that it was the actual sound of his voice. Something in it that made her feel...at home. So of course she had to agree to meet him in person. Being the control freak she was, she arrived early and sat in the parking lot waiting for him. She was determined to get a good look at him before he saw her.
Abby was what she considered to be "average" looking. She knew she had some qualities about her physical appearance that made her somewhat attractive but she never considered herself to be an outright beauty. Growing up she had some insecurity issues that for the most part she had dealt with and put them behind her. By now she accepted that she was slightly heavier than she would have liked, but the extra pounds seemed to fill her out in all the most important areas. She always loved the large almond shape of her eyes and their color which played between light brown and hazel depending on the light. Her dark brown hair was finally being obedient to her and after all these years she had beaten it into submission and now looked what she considered to be fabulous. All in all she was more comfortable in her skin at this age than at any other time in her life. She kept hearing that the 30's were the new 20's and since she was approaching them, at 27 she felt more attractive and accepting of the nuances of her shape and look.
Applying one final coat of lip-gloss and checking herself in the mirror one more time she felt ready and excited to meet him. Her heart jumped a little when her phone rang, it was him. Was he going to cancel? Was he running late? She fumbled with her phone and then answered in her "sexy voice" a quick, "Hello?". His voice oozed out the phone, it could have been honey it was so sweet. "Hey, I just pulled up and I'm walking towards the Starbucks. Thought I'd find us a place to sit. Are you on your way?" She smiled to herself knowing she was already there sitting in the parking lot. "Um, yeah I'm actually here already." she said with a laugh. That's when she saw him. He was walking in the middle of the lot between the parked cars. She knew it was him instantly. He held his phone to his ear and glanced around him. She knew he was trying to spot her. At the risk of being labeled a weird stalker she watched him for a moment, taking in the sight of him. He was beautiful.
Adam was tall and slender. At almost six feet tall his height attracted her right away. She always liked a man she could look up to. Despite him being on the thinner side he had broad shoulders, which of course she liked right away. He walked very tall and straight giving him an authoritative gate. She loved the fact that he kept a well trimmed goat-tee which made men look clean and dangerous. His short hair was kind of like a haircut they give new recruits in the Army but lucky for him, she was into that kind of look. All in all he was what she considered her "perfect" physical type. But what absolutely drove her wild was his smile. Even from where she sat she could see the dimples he had. He was like a charming young man and a grown up all at once. She felt something she had not felt for many years. That school-girl attraction. The kind of attraction you feel towards your high school crush. The one that wakes you up early each morning so you can spend a few more minutes getting your look just right in the event he walks by and notices you. That attraction that makes your stomach flip and your heart beat so loud you could hear it in your ears when in class he asks you if you have an extra pen. It was weird to feel that again. She told herself once that what was most sad about growing up is that you loose to some extent things like the uncontrollable excitement over a crush. However, this moment proved her so wrong. Her heart seemed to be leaping out of her chest and its beats made it difficult to hear him talking to her over the phone.
"You're here already? Where? Are you inside?" he nervously asked. She picked up on how she had derailed him slightly and it made her feel like she had a slight edge on him. "Well, I wanted to get here early so I could have a look at you and make sure you didn't look like a serial killer!", she laughed a little to hard for her own comfort. Laughter like that was a sure sign that she was more nervous than she would have liked him to know, looks like he'd have the edge this time. He stopped walking now and was standing in the parking lot looking around him, "Ok, well where are you? Its not fair that you can see me and I can't see you!" he was smiling ear to ear by now. She decided now was as good a time as any to make her approach. His guard was down and he seemed nervous, the perfect combination when first meeting someone on a blind date. Their nervousness matches yours so its easier to relate to them.
She opened the car door and said, "Ok, I'm walking towards you". She took a deep breath and made her way to the middle of the lot where he was. His back was to her and as he slowly turned around they made eye contact. This was the moment in which he first succeeded in taking her breath away. This would be a constant in their relationship. She found herself smiling back at him and they hugged once they got close enough to each other. "So we finally meet", he said smiling with his eyes. "Yeah", was all she could get out without her voice trembling. They walked towards the coffee shop smiling stupidly at each other. After ordering the same drink which amazed them both they sat by the door. "You can take the comfy chair" he offered. She hesitantly agreed. Abby was one of those people who hated sitting with her back to the door. Her friends used to joke with her that maybe she was a mafiosa in a former life. "I just like to see whats coming", she would reply. She accepted his offer to sit in the plush seat as a sign of him being a gentleman, but later she would find out that he had the same issues about his back being towards the door like she did. Only in his case, his reasons were much different.
Conversation was never a challenge for Abby, and it seemed that Adam was just as comfortable talking to her. They had no trouble jumping onto a topic and going on and on. Time seemed to stand still. Abby had never experienced this feeling before. Talking with Adam was like disappearing altogether. The walls of the Starbucks faded away. She no longer heard any other conversations around her. The music playing in the background became a low backdrop to their conversation. Everything else in the world didn't seem to matter at that moment. There was only him. His words. The movement of his hands as he spoke. The way he sat with his leg crossed against the other at the ankle. The way he clapped his hands and then covered his mouth when he laughed. She loved the way he would lean to one side as he laughed, usually towards his right. To this day should could not recount every word of their conversation but she would always remember how much she enjoyed it. He told the story of a past relationship that went sour and she shared her love woes as well. They spoke on things everyone tells you not to on a first date. But was it really a first? They were so comfortable together, it was like sitting with an old friend.
When he shared his story of a past significant relationship and how difficult its ending was for him to overcome her instinctual mothering mode clicked into play. She saw a vulnerability in him that had he noticed he was displaying it he might not have felt comfortable doing so. But that short moment of transparency and weakness drew her in, like a moth to a flame. Her friends were right about her. Introduce Abby to a guy that has some type of past trauma or emotional issue and she's hooked. Most, if not all the men she had previously dated had some type of past circumstance that made their vulnerability appealing to her. Perhaps it was her desire to rescue. Or maybe it was her longing to feel needed. Either way, she was now presented with another broken heart that she would do her best to mend.
Lost in his eyes and in the conversation and he with her, they didn't notice the servers sweeping up, clearing tables, and stacking chairs. The coffee shop was closing and they hadn't noticed they were the only ones left. "Um, sorry but we're closing", the teenager said mildly annoyed. "Oh, wow, sorry!" Adam apologized, "Time flies when you're having fun I guess." The teen rolled his eyes and motioned for the door. He was clearly not interested in being a part of their magical moment. Adam held the door open for her as they walked outside. It was late and felt late. The parking lot was nearly empty as they walked toward her car. Talking and laughing a bit more she leaned against the trunk of her car and watched him. She didn't want the night to end and he seemed so interested she thought that he might just want the same thing.
"I gotta admit something", she said shyly. "I am dying to smoke a cigarette! Is that totally gonna gross you out?", she asked. She had recently started smoking again, she liked to blame it on stress. Back in high school Abby dabbled with smoking unbeknown to her parents and sometime around the beginning of college she had quit but all these years later and after her last breakup she picked it up again. Something about that puff of smoke seemed to bring peace to her. But she recognized that not everyone felt the same. As a matter of fact even at 27 she was still hiding the fact that she smoked from her family. "Not at all", he reassured her. "As a matter of fact I'll join you, I've been dying for one too". Each brought their preferred brand and he lit hers before himself. Through the smoke they smiled at each other and at discovering yet another thing they shared, all be it bad for their health she remembered him commenting. The night passed as on a breeze and she grew more comfortable joking and laughing and being herself with him. There were no pretenses with Adam, no need to be fake or play the games most women play on first dates. It was comforting to meet someone that she didn't have to worry about being silly with, he seemed to enjoy her weird humor. He was like a breath of fresh air.
"I really am glad we met", she admitted. "Me too", he agreed. "Maybe we can see each other again? I mean, if you're interested?" She loved that he asked this question, to her it meant that he wanted to be sure she wanted to see him again as much as he wanted to see her. "Sure, I'd like that" she said in a low almost embarrassed voice. She stared down at the floor. Her nerves were rattling now, there was that heart beat again. She knew it was coming and a million thoughts were beginning to race in her head. He took a few small steps towards her. She looked up to find him looking down at her. They stared at each other for a moment. She could smell the appealing fragrance of his cologne. It smelled clean and fresh. Her eyes traced the shape of his neck all the way to his mouth and for the first time she notices how soft they looked. He may as well of worn a sign around his neck that read, "Extremely kissable lips...Beware!" Abby had a strict rule about never kissing on the first date. It was an easy rule for her to follow, she just didn't do it. And until this moment she had never had been provided an opportunity when she had to question that rule. She had never been tempted to break her rule before. But there was something about him. He was like a magnet that was pulling her in.
He leaned in slowly and she followed in after him. Her heart was racing as her eyes went back from his lips to his eyes to his dimples and back again. He got close enough to where she could feel his breath on her cheek. He tilted is head slightly and reached to touch her hand. She felt exhilaration when she felt his skin touch hers. His other hand ran up the small of her back until it got to the back of her neck where he gently stroked her hair. Shock waves of intensity flowed from his body like an electric current and she felt that the waves would overtake her. Her eyes slowly began to close as she felt herself let go and give in to him. They got close enough to where she could almost feel his lips on hers, a fraction of a millimeter separated them. She could give in so easily. She could forget it all and let rapture take over. But those damn rules popped up in her head and instead of crossing that tiny gap between reality and ecstasy she found herself turning her head ever so subtly. Its as if her neck had a mind of its own and she was powerless to stop it. Instead of meeting the lips that seemed so inviting with her own, he gently grazed their corner and kissed her cheek. Her heart raced in a panic when he backed away with a confused look on his face. "Oh, sorry", apologized with a low voice. She did not move she could not think or breathe. Even that kiss on the cheek felt better than anything she could have imagined. But this moment of bliss was interrupted when she realized that the confusion in his face melted into what seemed like hurt, or maybe disappointment.
"Oh don't be sorry", she said almost pleading. His head had only backed away from hers slightly but compared to how close they had been he may as well have been across a football field. "Its just," she started. "No its ok, I get it", he interrupted trying to hide the embarrassment in his voice. "No, no, you don't understand. I mean, I WANT to kiss you" she admitted as the color in her face changed. He smiled as he took her comment to mean a welcoming invitation for another try. As he leaned in she raised her hand and touched his chest. The muscles under his shirt flexed and she was instantly dumbfounded by how his chest felt. Here she had assumed that she'd feel a thin, frail man, instead she found a muscular and lean Adonis! She bit her lip and felt a hot wave of emotion come over her. "What I mean is", she started again in a breathless voice, "you'll get one of those when we get to know each other a little better". How she was even able to speak was beyond her. He had a power over her that was almost mystical. She looked up into his eyes and found him smiling at her. He was enjoying this game she was playing. He smiled at her and said, "Oh, ok, ok. Maybe if I play my cards right, huh?" and chuckled slightly.
He was still holding her hand and gently caressing her neck. With his eyes still watching her he slowly released his hold of her. She breathed a sigh of relief that she had dodged a bullet and most importantly not offended him. The feeling of his touch left aftershocks that she would feel for hours later. "Well, its real late, you should probably get home", he whispered. She reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone. Pressing a button made the phone light come up and she gasped in shock when she realized it was 3:45 in the morning! They had agreed to meet at 8:30 earlier that night. Could it be that they had spent over 7 hours together and it had flown by. The time knocked her back into reality and she laughed nervously. "Oh my god, it is so late. I've kept you out longer than I thought", she said with a coy smile. She was flirting, and it was working. He smiled and leaned in to hug her. This she happily accepted.
Reaching around him she buried her face into his neck and shoulder, a place most women love to be on a man. She knew that his cologne would leave its fragrance on her and she would smell him all the way home. The thought made her smile. He leaned his mouth down toward her ear and said, "You did keep me out longer than I thought too, but I'm ok with being yours to keep." Again she felt as if she couldn't breathe. It was the most wonderful feeling. As they slowly pulled away from each other he reached out and gently touched her face with one hand. Stoking it gently he leaned toward her and gave her the softest kiss on the other cheek while almost whispering, "Goodnight".
It was the first time in longer than she could remember that they had planned to go out on a "date".
Abby was desperate to find a way to reconnect with him. She hated to admit that she was looking for some kind of sign of hope in which to stay together. Whatever they did tonight had to in some way remind her why she was still sticking around after all that had happened. At least that was what she was praying for. It had been over a year and they were nothing like the people they were before he left. Everything was different. They hardly even spoke. In the past, you could not get her to shut up. Abby would talk Adam's ear off all the time. And even if he seemed to either tune her out or be annoyed by it, he was really always listening. And he would talk her head off about all kinds of things too! He would go on for hours about football, or politics or why it was important to change the oil of her car, "Every 3000 miles Abby! Not every 5000!". They would stay up at night in the dark and talk and laugh about silly things. She would call him during the day when he was on base and he would always call her back. Talking was never an issue for them.
The plan to have a night out together had actually come from his suggestion. She was admittedly shocked since as of lately he really had pulled back from initiating any romance. Before he always did things like send her flowers for no reason or surprise her with a rented room in some random place for fun. Back in those days she never used phrases like, "its been a long time since". So when he approached her with the idea of "doing something special" she felt a feeling she had not in some time, hope. He did, however, leave the decision of the location up to her. She could only think of one place. She wanted to take him back to where it all started. That little coffee shop. By now those days and that place rang through her mind like a dream. There were days when she wondered if it was ever like that.
Now, all he did was watch T.V. or search for things for hours on the internet. He would go days without showering or shaving. She swore that if he wore that horrible green t-shirt one more time she would burn it. When he did speak he never really looked at her. It was hard for her to explain it. "Its like he's looking through me, not at me", she told her best friend one night on the phone. "I mean its like I'm there and he's there but its not really us. It's like the ghosts of who we were. Like if they are still trying to connect somehow but the people we are now are complete strangers not really interested in knowing each other." She was crying now, it always felt like talking about two dead people when she spoke of her relationship with Adam. "Have you ever tried to talk to him about it?", her best friend asked. But the answer was always the same, well, as of lately it was, "Hmmm, yeah right, you try talking to him about anything, see how far that gets you."
She couldn't help but compare her past and her present on a constant basis. It was like dealing with night and day. What was most shocking to her was that the most noticeable changes didn't take place until months after he'd come home. She remembered the day she waited for him at the airport.
She must have changed her outfit 15 times before she settled on something she was sure that he would like. She had done her hair the night before so it would have that "next day" look and the blue shirt she wore was not only his favorite color but showed off one of her best "attributes" in a subtle yet seductive way. Right before she left the house she sprayed on the perfume he loved, it was a floral clean scent with just a hint of spice. The traffic that day seemed endless and finding a parking space at the large airport was akin to a nightmare. She began to panic that she might not make it to the gate on time and he would be standing there waiting for her. He knew that she always ran late so maybe it would be a familiar welcoming. She tried to calm herself and not run like a mad woman through the terminal because she wanted to seem calm when he saw her and she definitely did not want to sweat.
She made it just in time. The plane was still pulling up to the gate and she watched it taxi in. Her heart was in here throat. Looking around she noticed an unusually large amount of women standing in the same area. Some holding signs, others flowers. She watched a young woman trying to calm the cutest little girl with pig tails and pink bows down by saying, "Daddy is coming soon! You don't want him to see you upset do you?" "No", said the little girl, "but I'm hungry!", she quickly argued. Abby smiled. Another girl, dressed a little too provocatively for her taste stood in the corner smacking and blowing bubbles with her gum. Abby thought she looked a little bored. To her left there was an older couple standing chatting to each other about how long it was taking the plane to come in and how they hoped he wouldn't be to upset about "Jennifer" not being there. Abby guessed that Jennifer must have been the wife or the girlfriend when the older gentleman's face went sour and he said, "There is no excuse Martha, she should be here". So many families and loved one's standing around made Abby feel awkward and a little sad. His family, though she knew they loved him, were not particularly involved in his life. And her family was still having trouble with the idea that she would "waste" her life on someone who would be gone for such a long time and there would be no guarantee that when he returned things would be o.k. between them. Her father's words replayed over and over in her mind.
She didn't care. She knew how much she loved him and how long she had waited and would wait for him. She looked down to check her outfit once more, everything seemed fine. Everything except she started to feel like she might be sweating. She tried to shake off the nerves by looking around and focusing at the other people standing there again when she saw him. He was still in his fatigues. He looked amazing. A little thicker and definitely more toned then when he left but his smile was the same wonderfully warm smile that she remembered. Suddenly it hit her how long it had been, eleven and a half months. When the thought of how long they had been apart hit her and now there he was, walking toward her, she burst into tears. When he saw her crying he quickened his pace to almost a run. He snatched her up and gave her the biggest hug. It felt so good to feel him in her arms again. He smelled like dust and soap. The clothing he wore was rough against here skin but it felt so familiar. She hugged him tight around his neck and with her left hand, rubbed the top of his smoothly shaven head. He was home.
They hugged for a long time, neither spoke. She had no words to express how she was feeling and he was so overcome with relief that she was there, he just enjoyed holding her. She opened her tear soaked eyes and looked into his face. He smiled at her and said, "I'm home baby, I'm home." She cried a little harder now. All those months of waiting. All those months of praying that he would come home safe and whole and here he was. She kept touching his face and hugging him but she could not speak. He put her down so her feet could touch the ground and he looked into her eyes. They burst out laughing. They must have looked like two insane people standing there amidst the crying families, laughing. He always knew how to make her smile and laugh out loud. When the laughter calmed down a bit he, still smiling, touched her face gently and said, "I've been waiting for this part". He kissed her passionately. It felt like someone had breathed air into her lungs. She hadn't noticed until that moment that for the past eleven months she had not taken a deep breath. When he released her lips she exhaled. It felt amazing.
They could not get home fast enough. He wanted to drive, he missed his truck, and she was happy to be sitting in the passenger seat again. When the car roared as he turned it on he looked at her and smiled. "Yes, I kept up with the oil changes! Every 3000 miles, not every 5000". They laughed again. She slid as close to him as the seats would allow. He placed his arm around her and never moved it all the way home. "First order of business?", he said as he pulled out of the parking space, "McDonalds!" she answered for him., knowing how much he must have missed his cheeseburgers. "Oh, ok, McDonald's", he replied with a coy smile, "I had something else in mind but we can go with that if you want." He was laughing now. She looked at him with her eyes wide open and yelled, "Take me home!" They laughed and talked the whole ride. He noticed how much the trees had grown since he had last been home and was sad to hear that the Italian restaurant had closed because the owner passed away and his son did not want to take it over. The sun was just setting over the horizon and it threw beautiful colors of pink, orange, yellow, purple and blue into the sky. He rolled the windows down and hung his head out as far as he could out of the window and took a gigantic deep breath. "I'm home!", he shouted out of the window. "People are going to think you are crazy you know!", she teased. She was so happy to see him him this way. Her father's words melted away as she watched him inhale and exhale the clean air. As they got closer to the house he seemed to speed up. She touched his knee and said, "Um, you think you can get us there in one piece? I kinda wanted to enjoy you for a little while". "Slow down? You must be nuts!" She didn't remember how they got into the house, or even if he had put the car in park before he jumped out, ran to her side of the truck and scooped her out of the seat. He practically dragged her into the house.
It was about 3 o'clock and he would be coming home from his weekly meeting around four. Keeping the house clean had recently become almost "mandatory" so she was cleaning up the kitchen. Their little apartment had changed so much over the past year and a half. While he was gone it became almost an obsession to keep it exactly the way it was when he left. She was so worried he would be hurt that she changed anything that even when things broke she left it for him to fix when he came home. One of the cabinet handles in the kitchen cupboard had fallen off and even though she would chip a nail every time she opened it, she refused to fix it. The magazines he was reading before he left still sat on his night table, in the same order. The lawn mower was still on the back porch, in the same spot, where he left it when he had finished mowing the lawn and she "distracted" him with a temptation to come in the house. Her father finally convinced her to put the plastic cover over it so it wouldn't get damaged in the rain. She remembered to pull it off before he saw it. For the most part the house had stayed the same and that brought a sense of comfort to her. Like she knew he would be home and they would pick up where they left off. But as she wiped down the counter top she reminded herself that things were very different now.
He never used to care if the dinner dishes didn't get washed right after dinner. They used to flip a coin to see whose turn it was to wash. Now, however, he couldn't stand to see dishes in the sink. He would fly off the handle if there were any. This was one of the new realities she was learning to live with. One of the things he was going to these meetings for. She couldn't understand why he was going to that meeting anyways. "It's not like its helping", she said aloud. "Not like what's not helping", the voice said behind her. "Dammit! You scared the crap out of me!", she yelled clutching her chest. "Why do you sneak up on me all the time? I hate that!" She didn't even hear him come through the door. Wait, she hadn't even heard the car pull up. And it was early too. "Why are you home so early?", she asked. "What? A guy can't come home early?", he responded sarcastically. Rolling her eyes and folding her arms she looked at him for a few seconds before answering, "Why do you do that?" "What?", he snapped back. "Why do you always turn it into a fight? I'm just asking why you were early, you're never home this early, that's all." "I didn't know I had to give you a report every time I changed my plans", he said. She noticed that he was oddly scanning the room. Looking in this direction and in that direction, like if he was trying to find someone or something.
"There is no one here! God! Paranoid much?", she said, throwing the dish towel carelessly in the sink. He walked passed her and lifted it out of the sink and methodically folded it neatly and looped it around the oven handle. "Everything in its place", he said with a sarcastic grin. "Whatever, I'm going to take a shower. What time are we leaving tonight?" "Tonight?", he asked while reaching for the remote. "What's happening tonight?" She spun around faster than her sandals were ready for and nearly tripped over her own feet and yelled, "You forgot? How could you forget? We planned it yesterday, I left you a note, and I sent you a text before you left this morning! Don't even try to tell me you forgot!" He looked through her again, his eyes devoid of emotion. It was like talking to an empty room. "Oh, uh, yeah.", he said while scratching his head. "Oh, uh yeah?", she repeated angrily. "What does that mean?" "I mean yeah, that's right, we were going out or something. Right?" How could he not understand how important tonight was? Tonight was the night she had been hoping for. An excuse to go out and reconnect with the man she once knew, and he was blowing it off. "You know what? Forget it!", she yelled and then stormed out of the room.
She made it all the way inside the bathroom and had managed to shut the door before she collapsed on the floor in tears. Countless times she had cried herself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Maybe this would be another one of those nights. She didn't understand why their lives were so different. Why he had changed so much. He would have never forgotten a day that was important to her...before. The counselors at the Veterans hospital told her his moods might be slightly different since coming back but this was way worse than they had made it seem. But it wasn't always like this. It wasn't always like this. Not always. She repeated this in her mind again and again as the tears streamed down her face. She reached for the toilet paper to wipe her face when she heard a knock at the door, "Abby?", he said in a quiet voice. He opened the door and found her sitting on the floor. He stood there for a moment in silence. He did not know what to say. She looked up and noticed that he seemed sad. This amazed her. She hadn't really seen this look on his face. He moved very slowly toward her and steadying himself against the sink he sat down on the floor. He was staring at his hands. "Its been hard for you", he said after a long silence. "I know. I don't know how you put up with it." His voice was just above a whisper. "I...", he trailed off. She looked at him longingly. He had not said I love you in months. "I...", he started again. "I want to go out with you tonight", he said, noticeably changing what he was going to say. "Why?", she asked dryly. "I just think its important. I'm sorry if I forgot. These damn pills, sometimes they make my head so foggy. Please, let's go out, where ever you want to go." She shrugged her shoulders, "What's the point?"
She got up and walked back into the bedroom. She sat at the corner of her bed facing their night stand. She looked at herself in the mirror. He was not the only one who had changed. She looked so different than the woman he once knew. She felt lost. He walked out of the bathroom and stood at the other side of the bed. She could see his reflection in the mirror. Who was this person? It looked like Adam, but he sure didn't act or talk like Adam. "Please...baby", the last word seemed so forced. But hearing it felt like a favorite song you haven't heard in a while. He still had that power over her. She took a deep breath, got up, and walked into the closet and started picking out something to wear. She found that old blue shirt he liked. She would wear it one more time.
The coffee shop was full for this time of night. The university nearby had a coffee place on campus so the students used to frequent it for the most part. Apparently budget cuts made them close it so the caffeine addicted hoard came in droves now. They had not been back to this place in a while. Maybe once since he had gotten back, they both felt how different it was. Their "spot" was taken over by a group of collegiates that seemed deep in a philosophical debate about the countries present issues. One girl was getting heated over health care issues while another girl mocked her enthusiasm, "Ladies and gentlemen, our next head of health care reform!" The group laughed. Abby and Adam were forced to sit in a small table near the bathroom. The table was minuscule and Adams long legs seemed to pour across the floor blocking people from passing by. He began to get annoyed every time he had to move them. Abby's drink was weak tasting and there was not enough caramel in it, she decided not to complain though. Adam seemed on edge. The music was ordinarily not that loud she thought. Even the conversations around them seemed to be in shouting levels. Maybe it was because they were not talking that they noticed how loud the place was. "Has it always been this loud?", she asked, raising her voice so he could hear her. "I don't know, seems more crowded too", he answered, yelling back.
She would have tried to be a good sport about it and make the best out of it but Adam looked miserable. He kept looking around and fidgeting in his chair. He didn't want to drink any coffee because he said he didn't need another reason to be kept awake all night. Even when Abby suggested a caffeine free beverage he refused, "What's the point of drinking coffee if it has no caffeine?" he asked. They sat there for a while, Adam continually fidgeting and moving his legs out of the way for people entering and exiting the bathrooms, and Abby trying to sip this poor excuse for a Caramel Machiatto. She was about to bring up topic of conversation when the girl behind the counter dropped one of the metal cups on the floor. It made the most horrific metallic crashing sound. Adam jumped strait out of his chair and it fell back against the floor with another loud crash. His sudden movement scared Abby and she tipped her cup of coffee over onto the table. She hardly noticed it because she was far to engrossed in Adam's expression. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. His face was pale white and he was breathing so rapidly she was afraid he would hyperventilate. Making matters worse was everyone in the shop noticed him jump up and started laughing, loudly. One guy in the back yelled out, "Where's the bomb dude?" People laughed harder. Without looking at Abby he rushed passed her and confronted the young man. "What did you say?", he yelled. Abby ran after him and tried to pull him back by his shoulder. She could not move him.
"Repeat that! What did you just say?" Adam looked like a maniac. His eyes were bulging and he was gripping the student by his elbow. Abby was afraid she might snap his arm off. "Adam! What are you doing? Let him go!", she yelled at him. "Yeah let me go asshole!" the kid yelled back. Adam seemed to go into a blind rage. He pushed the guy back until he lost his balance and fell back on top of another person sitting on a big cushioned chair. "Adam, stop it!", Abby begged, but it was like he didn't hear her. Adam pinned the young student to the chair while he writhed around trying to get out of Adam's grip. During the struggle Adam's dog tags came out from under his shirt and hung down in front of the students face. Someone in the back said, "Holy shit, he's one of those crazy soldiers. He's about to go nuts, let's get the hell outa here!" Adam heard this. As quickly as his anger flared up, he calmed down. His eyes changed and he blinked several times. He looked around the room with an apologetic stare. "I...I'm....I'm sorry", he managed to stammer out. He loosened his grip on the kid and began to back away. No one said a word, they all collectively back up from him as well. Abby stood shocked and motionless. She had never seen him like this. "Hey man, we don't want any trouble", a voice said behind her. She turned to see a familiar face. He looked much older now it seemed. It was the same teenage boy that had asked them to leave all those years before. Now he was doing the same but for a completely different reason. "Please leave before I call the police." Adam looked deflated. He backed away from everyone and headed toward the door, "I'm so sorry", he said as he pushed it opened and walked outside.
Abby was to shocked and too afraid to be embarrassed. That was until she noticed she was still standing there and everyone was looking at her. Her face blushed bright red and her cheeks felt hot. She turned to go to their table where she left her purse but the girl who had dropped the metal cup was standing there holding it out to her. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over him". Her words fell on deaf ears. They all looked at her with fear and anger. She made her way around the few people that blocked her exit and hurried out the door. She ran to the truck where Adam stood next to smoking a cigarette and pacing back and forth. She didn't say a word to him, she was afraid to. She got into the cabin and closed the door. The silence in the car was deafening. She watched him through the window as he smoked. What a different experience this had been from their first. Now he smoked, alone, and she was inside the car trembling with fear. Funny how she had no fear meeting a complete stranger for the first time and here she was scared to death of a man she had known for five years. Adam finished his cigarette and flicked it out of his hand. He walked over to the door and stood staring at her through the window. His face seemed so lost and far away. He got into the truck and turned the ignition. The roar of the engine startled her even more. He sat for a moment, they both stared forward. He, too ashamed to look at her, and she was griped with fear. He moved after a while and pulled the gear into reverse but before moving the car he whispered, "I'm sorry Abby, I'm so sorry." The truck rolled back and they drove home in silence.
**************** ************************************ ****************
It was the first time in longer than she could remember that they had planned to go out on a "date".
Abby was desperate to find a way to reconnect with him. She hated to admit that she was looking for some kind of sign of hope in which to stay together. Whatever they did tonight had to in some way remind her why she was still sticking around after all that had happened. At least that was what she was praying for. It had been over a year and they were nothing like the people they were before he left. Everything was different. They hardly even spoke. In the past, you could not get her to shut up. Abby would talk Adam's ear off all the time. And even if he seemed to either tune her out or be annoyed by it, he was really always listening. And he would talk her head off about all kinds of things too! He would go on for hours about football, or politics or why it was important to change the oil of her car, "Every 3000 miles Abby! Not every 5000!". They would stay up at night in the dark and talk and laugh about silly things. She would call him during the day when he was on base and he would always call her back. Talking was never an issue for them.
The plan to have a night out together had actually come from his suggestion. She was admittedly shocked since as of lately he really had pulled back from initiating any romance. Before he always did things like send her flowers for no reason or surprise her with a rented room in some random place for fun. Back in those days she never used phrases like, "its been a long time since". So when he approached her with the idea of "doing something special" she felt a feeling she had not in some time, hope. He did, however, leave the decision of the location up to her. She could only think of one place. She wanted to take him back to where it all started. That little coffee shop. By now those days and that place rang through her mind like a dream. There were days when she wondered if it was ever like that.
Now, all he did was watch T.V. or search for things for hours on the internet. He would go days without showering or shaving. She swore that if he wore that horrible green t-shirt one more time she would burn it. When he did speak he never really looked at her. It was hard for her to explain it. "Its like he's looking through me, not at me", she told her best friend one night on the phone. "I mean its like I'm there and he's there but its not really us. It's like the ghosts of who we were. Like if they are still trying to connect somehow but the people we are now are complete strangers not really interested in knowing each other." She was crying now, it always felt like talking about two dead people when she spoke of her relationship with Adam. "Have you ever tried to talk to him about it?", her best friend asked. But the answer was always the same, well, as of lately it was, "Hmmm, yeah right, you try talking to him about anything, see how far that gets you."
She couldn't help but compare her past and her present on a constant basis. It was like dealing with night and day. What was most shocking to her was that the most noticeable changes didn't take place until months after he'd come home. She remembered the day she waited for him at the airport.
***************** *************************************** ******************
She must have changed her outfit 15 times before she settled on something she was sure that he would like. She had done her hair the night before so it would have that "next day" look and the blue shirt she wore was not only his favorite color but showed off one of her best "attributes" in a subtle yet seductive way. Right before she left the house she sprayed on the perfume he loved, it was a floral clean scent with just a hint of spice. The traffic that day seemed endless and finding a parking space at the large airport was akin to a nightmare. She began to panic that she might not make it to the gate on time and he would be standing there waiting for her. He knew that she always ran late so maybe it would be a familiar welcoming. She tried to calm herself and not run like a mad woman through the terminal because she wanted to seem calm when he saw her and she definitely did not want to sweat.
She made it just in time. The plane was still pulling up to the gate and she watched it taxi in. Her heart was in here throat. Looking around she noticed an unusually large amount of women standing in the same area. Some holding signs, others flowers. She watched a young woman trying to calm the cutest little girl with pig tails and pink bows down by saying, "Daddy is coming soon! You don't want him to see you upset do you?" "No", said the little girl, "but I'm hungry!", she quickly argued. Abby smiled. Another girl, dressed a little too provocatively for her taste stood in the corner smacking and blowing bubbles with her gum. Abby thought she looked a little bored. To her left there was an older couple standing chatting to each other about how long it was taking the plane to come in and how they hoped he wouldn't be to upset about "Jennifer" not being there. Abby guessed that Jennifer must have been the wife or the girlfriend when the older gentleman's face went sour and he said, "There is no excuse Martha, she should be here". So many families and loved one's standing around made Abby feel awkward and a little sad. His family, though she knew they loved him, were not particularly involved in his life. And her family was still having trouble with the idea that she would "waste" her life on someone who would be gone for such a long time and there would be no guarantee that when he returned things would be o.k. between them. Her father's words replayed over and over in her mind.
She didn't care. She knew how much she loved him and how long she had waited and would wait for him. She looked down to check her outfit once more, everything seemed fine. Everything except she started to feel like she might be sweating. She tried to shake off the nerves by looking around and focusing at the other people standing there again when she saw him. He was still in his fatigues. He looked amazing. A little thicker and definitely more toned then when he left but his smile was the same wonderfully warm smile that she remembered. Suddenly it hit her how long it had been, eleven and a half months. When the thought of how long they had been apart hit her and now there he was, walking toward her, she burst into tears. When he saw her crying he quickened his pace to almost a run. He snatched her up and gave her the biggest hug. It felt so good to feel him in her arms again. He smelled like dust and soap. The clothing he wore was rough against here skin but it felt so familiar. She hugged him tight around his neck and with her left hand, rubbed the top of his smoothly shaven head. He was home.
They hugged for a long time, neither spoke. She had no words to express how she was feeling and he was so overcome with relief that she was there, he just enjoyed holding her. She opened her tear soaked eyes and looked into his face. He smiled at her and said, "I'm home baby, I'm home." She cried a little harder now. All those months of waiting. All those months of praying that he would come home safe and whole and here he was. She kept touching his face and hugging him but she could not speak. He put her down so her feet could touch the ground and he looked into her eyes. They burst out laughing. They must have looked like two insane people standing there amidst the crying families, laughing. He always knew how to make her smile and laugh out loud. When the laughter calmed down a bit he, still smiling, touched her face gently and said, "I've been waiting for this part". He kissed her passionately. It felt like someone had breathed air into her lungs. She hadn't noticed until that moment that for the past eleven months she had not taken a deep breath. When he released her lips she exhaled. It felt amazing.
They could not get home fast enough. He wanted to drive, he missed his truck, and she was happy to be sitting in the passenger seat again. When the car roared as he turned it on he looked at her and smiled. "Yes, I kept up with the oil changes! Every 3000 miles, not every 5000". They laughed again. She slid as close to him as the seats would allow. He placed his arm around her and never moved it all the way home. "First order of business?", he said as he pulled out of the parking space, "McDonalds!" she answered for him., knowing how much he must have missed his cheeseburgers. "Oh, ok, McDonald's", he replied with a coy smile, "I had something else in mind but we can go with that if you want." He was laughing now. She looked at him with her eyes wide open and yelled, "Take me home!" They laughed and talked the whole ride. He noticed how much the trees had grown since he had last been home and was sad to hear that the Italian restaurant had closed because the owner passed away and his son did not want to take it over. The sun was just setting over the horizon and it threw beautiful colors of pink, orange, yellow, purple and blue into the sky. He rolled the windows down and hung his head out as far as he could out of the window and took a gigantic deep breath. "I'm home!", he shouted out of the window. "People are going to think you are crazy you know!", she teased. She was so happy to see him him this way. Her father's words melted away as she watched him inhale and exhale the clean air. As they got closer to the house he seemed to speed up. She touched his knee and said, "Um, you think you can get us there in one piece? I kinda wanted to enjoy you for a little while". "Slow down? You must be nuts!" She didn't remember how they got into the house, or even if he had put the car in park before he jumped out, ran to her side of the truck and scooped her out of the seat. He practically dragged her into the house.
***************** ************************************** ******************
It was about 3 o'clock and he would be coming home from his weekly meeting around four. Keeping the house clean had recently become almost "mandatory" so she was cleaning up the kitchen. Their little apartment had changed so much over the past year and a half. While he was gone it became almost an obsession to keep it exactly the way it was when he left. She was so worried he would be hurt that she changed anything that even when things broke she left it for him to fix when he came home. One of the cabinet handles in the kitchen cupboard had fallen off and even though she would chip a nail every time she opened it, she refused to fix it. The magazines he was reading before he left still sat on his night table, in the same order. The lawn mower was still on the back porch, in the same spot, where he left it when he had finished mowing the lawn and she "distracted" him with a temptation to come in the house. Her father finally convinced her to put the plastic cover over it so it wouldn't get damaged in the rain. She remembered to pull it off before he saw it. For the most part the house had stayed the same and that brought a sense of comfort to her. Like she knew he would be home and they would pick up where they left off. But as she wiped down the counter top she reminded herself that things were very different now.
He never used to care if the dinner dishes didn't get washed right after dinner. They used to flip a coin to see whose turn it was to wash. Now, however, he couldn't stand to see dishes in the sink. He would fly off the handle if there were any. This was one of the new realities she was learning to live with. One of the things he was going to these meetings for. She couldn't understand why he was going to that meeting anyways. "It's not like its helping", she said aloud. "Not like what's not helping", the voice said behind her. "Dammit! You scared the crap out of me!", she yelled clutching her chest. "Why do you sneak up on me all the time? I hate that!" She didn't even hear him come through the door. Wait, she hadn't even heard the car pull up. And it was early too. "Why are you home so early?", she asked. "What? A guy can't come home early?", he responded sarcastically. Rolling her eyes and folding her arms she looked at him for a few seconds before answering, "Why do you do that?" "What?", he snapped back. "Why do you always turn it into a fight? I'm just asking why you were early, you're never home this early, that's all." "I didn't know I had to give you a report every time I changed my plans", he said. She noticed that he was oddly scanning the room. Looking in this direction and in that direction, like if he was trying to find someone or something.
"There is no one here! God! Paranoid much?", she said, throwing the dish towel carelessly in the sink. He walked passed her and lifted it out of the sink and methodically folded it neatly and looped it around the oven handle. "Everything in its place", he said with a sarcastic grin. "Whatever, I'm going to take a shower. What time are we leaving tonight?" "Tonight?", he asked while reaching for the remote. "What's happening tonight?" She spun around faster than her sandals were ready for and nearly tripped over her own feet and yelled, "You forgot? How could you forget? We planned it yesterday, I left you a note, and I sent you a text before you left this morning! Don't even try to tell me you forgot!" He looked through her again, his eyes devoid of emotion. It was like talking to an empty room. "Oh, uh, yeah.", he said while scratching his head. "Oh, uh yeah?", she repeated angrily. "What does that mean?" "I mean yeah, that's right, we were going out or something. Right?" How could he not understand how important tonight was? Tonight was the night she had been hoping for. An excuse to go out and reconnect with the man she once knew, and he was blowing it off. "You know what? Forget it!", she yelled and then stormed out of the room.
She made it all the way inside the bathroom and had managed to shut the door before she collapsed on the floor in tears. Countless times she had cried herself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Maybe this would be another one of those nights. She didn't understand why their lives were so different. Why he had changed so much. He would have never forgotten a day that was important to her...before. The counselors at the Veterans hospital told her his moods might be slightly different since coming back but this was way worse than they had made it seem. But it wasn't always like this. It wasn't always like this. Not always. She repeated this in her mind again and again as the tears streamed down her face. She reached for the toilet paper to wipe her face when she heard a knock at the door, "Abby?", he said in a quiet voice. He opened the door and found her sitting on the floor. He stood there for a moment in silence. He did not know what to say. She looked up and noticed that he seemed sad. This amazed her. She hadn't really seen this look on his face. He moved very slowly toward her and steadying himself against the sink he sat down on the floor. He was staring at his hands. "Its been hard for you", he said after a long silence. "I know. I don't know how you put up with it." His voice was just above a whisper. "I...", he trailed off. She looked at him longingly. He had not said I love you in months. "I...", he started again. "I want to go out with you tonight", he said, noticeably changing what he was going to say. "Why?", she asked dryly. "I just think its important. I'm sorry if I forgot. These damn pills, sometimes they make my head so foggy. Please, let's go out, where ever you want to go." She shrugged her shoulders, "What's the point?"
She got up and walked back into the bedroom. She sat at the corner of her bed facing their night stand. She looked at herself in the mirror. He was not the only one who had changed. She looked so different than the woman he once knew. She felt lost. He walked out of the bathroom and stood at the other side of the bed. She could see his reflection in the mirror. Who was this person? It looked like Adam, but he sure didn't act or talk like Adam. "Please...baby", the last word seemed so forced. But hearing it felt like a favorite song you haven't heard in a while. He still had that power over her. She took a deep breath, got up, and walked into the closet and started picking out something to wear. She found that old blue shirt he liked. She would wear it one more time.
The coffee shop was full for this time of night. The university nearby had a coffee place on campus so the students used to frequent it for the most part. Apparently budget cuts made them close it so the caffeine addicted hoard came in droves now. They had not been back to this place in a while. Maybe once since he had gotten back, they both felt how different it was. Their "spot" was taken over by a group of collegiates that seemed deep in a philosophical debate about the countries present issues. One girl was getting heated over health care issues while another girl mocked her enthusiasm, "Ladies and gentlemen, our next head of health care reform!" The group laughed. Abby and Adam were forced to sit in a small table near the bathroom. The table was minuscule and Adams long legs seemed to pour across the floor blocking people from passing by. He began to get annoyed every time he had to move them. Abby's drink was weak tasting and there was not enough caramel in it, she decided not to complain though. Adam seemed on edge. The music was ordinarily not that loud she thought. Even the conversations around them seemed to be in shouting levels. Maybe it was because they were not talking that they noticed how loud the place was. "Has it always been this loud?", she asked, raising her voice so he could hear her. "I don't know, seems more crowded too", he answered, yelling back.
She would have tried to be a good sport about it and make the best out of it but Adam looked miserable. He kept looking around and fidgeting in his chair. He didn't want to drink any coffee because he said he didn't need another reason to be kept awake all night. Even when Abby suggested a caffeine free beverage he refused, "What's the point of drinking coffee if it has no caffeine?" he asked. They sat there for a while, Adam continually fidgeting and moving his legs out of the way for people entering and exiting the bathrooms, and Abby trying to sip this poor excuse for a Caramel Machiatto. She was about to bring up topic of conversation when the girl behind the counter dropped one of the metal cups on the floor. It made the most horrific metallic crashing sound. Adam jumped strait out of his chair and it fell back against the floor with another loud crash. His sudden movement scared Abby and she tipped her cup of coffee over onto the table. She hardly noticed it because she was far to engrossed in Adam's expression. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. His face was pale white and he was breathing so rapidly she was afraid he would hyperventilate. Making matters worse was everyone in the shop noticed him jump up and started laughing, loudly. One guy in the back yelled out, "Where's the bomb dude?" People laughed harder. Without looking at Abby he rushed passed her and confronted the young man. "What did you say?", he yelled. Abby ran after him and tried to pull him back by his shoulder. She could not move him.
"Repeat that! What did you just say?" Adam looked like a maniac. His eyes were bulging and he was gripping the student by his elbow. Abby was afraid she might snap his arm off. "Adam! What are you doing? Let him go!", she yelled at him. "Yeah let me go asshole!" the kid yelled back. Adam seemed to go into a blind rage. He pushed the guy back until he lost his balance and fell back on top of another person sitting on a big cushioned chair. "Adam, stop it!", Abby begged, but it was like he didn't hear her. Adam pinned the young student to the chair while he writhed around trying to get out of Adam's grip. During the struggle Adam's dog tags came out from under his shirt and hung down in front of the students face. Someone in the back said, "Holy shit, he's one of those crazy soldiers. He's about to go nuts, let's get the hell outa here!" Adam heard this. As quickly as his anger flared up, he calmed down. His eyes changed and he blinked several times. He looked around the room with an apologetic stare. "I...I'm....I'm sorry", he managed to stammer out. He loosened his grip on the kid and began to back away. No one said a word, they all collectively back up from him as well. Abby stood shocked and motionless. She had never seen him like this. "Hey man, we don't want any trouble", a voice said behind her. She turned to see a familiar face. He looked much older now it seemed. It was the same teenage boy that had asked them to leave all those years before. Now he was doing the same but for a completely different reason. "Please leave before I call the police." Adam looked deflated. He backed away from everyone and headed toward the door, "I'm so sorry", he said as he pushed it opened and walked outside.
Abby was to shocked and too afraid to be embarrassed. That was until she noticed she was still standing there and everyone was looking at her. Her face blushed bright red and her cheeks felt hot. She turned to go to their table where she left her purse but the girl who had dropped the metal cup was standing there holding it out to her. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over him". Her words fell on deaf ears. They all looked at her with fear and anger. She made her way around the few people that blocked her exit and hurried out the door. She ran to the truck where Adam stood next to smoking a cigarette and pacing back and forth. She didn't say a word to him, she was afraid to. She got into the cabin and closed the door. The silence in the car was deafening. She watched him through the window as he smoked. What a different experience this had been from their first. Now he smoked, alone, and she was inside the car trembling with fear. Funny how she had no fear meeting a complete stranger for the first time and here she was scared to death of a man she had known for five years. Adam finished his cigarette and flicked it out of his hand. He walked over to the door and stood staring at her through the window. His face seemed so lost and far away. He got into the truck and turned the ignition. The roar of the engine startled her even more. He sat for a moment, they both stared forward. He, too ashamed to look at her, and she was griped with fear. He moved after a while and pulled the gear into reverse but before moving the car he whispered, "I'm sorry Abby, I'm so sorry." The truck rolled back and they drove home in silence.
Thursday
Rain
The drops of rain came down more steadily. The smell of rain strong. Thunder and lightening filled the sky. But the air was still thick and hot. The summers seemed to get hotter each year. Even this storm could not cool the earth down. It was as if the heat came from every direction. Even each bursting drop produced hot liquid. The rain began to soak through her clothes now and fill her shoes. Her make-up began to run down her face. The footprints that led to the tree she sat under were now filling with water. She remembered that sitting under a tree during a thunder storm is quite romantic but incredibly dangerous. But she could not move. Instead of being pushed to stand up and return the way she came she felt compelled to stay right where she was. She was soaked through now. Her hair stuck to the sides of her face and back of her neck in thick ropes. Her make-up bled down into her white shirt leaving black circles upon her chest. Her jeans felt skin tight and her feet swelled from the abundance of water in her shoes.
The darkness was greater now. It came down upon her like a thick blanket. Soon the light in the sky was gone. It was dark, so very dark. She sat trembling under the tree now. She wasn't sure why she trembled, it was still so hot out, like the hot water of a bathroom shower. Sitting under this tree, soaking wet was starting to get uncomfortable. But she couldn't bring herself to get up. It was as if all the strength had gone from her legs. She felt so tired. She felt as if she were older than she really was. Her eyes closed and she tilted her head back, leaning it on the massive tree she sat in front of. The drops of rain came down hard and fast and somewhat larger through the leaves of the tree. Several times she had to tilt her head forward so as not to feel like she was drowning. She was looking down at her hands now but she couldn't see them, it was so dark.
The lightning kicked up. A bright flash of white exposed the thick gash of red open flesh in the palm of her hand. It soaked through the towel she had wrapped it in. The hot rain felt good against the large cut. But it made it bleed more and she could see the blood add more stains to her formally white shirt. It may need stitches. But she couldn't go to the hospital. Not again. They would ask her those silly questions. How can you explain it? How can you make people understand what you could not explain or understand yourself? She breathed a deep sigh. No, it would have to heal on its own. She was amazed at how well her body could heal. The ribs were not as painful as they were at first. And her knee was healing up just fine, she hardly limped anymore. Its the pains and scars you can't see that are the worst. Physical pain is only a manifestation of the deep pain she had been enduring. But who else would do it if she didn't? She had always felt like she was built to handle situations like this. Maybe her body had some super natural power to heal itself because she would need it for nights like this?
The hand began to pulsate now. The pain was getting stronger and more pronounced. The edges of the wound started to sting. She gripped her wrist in the hopes that it would dull the pain, but it only made her focus on it all the more making the open wound send shock waves up her arm. Amidst all the rain she could still smell her own blood and it made her head spin. How had it come to this? How did it all go so far? Her head spun with questions and memories. She lifted her head hoping for some clarity. Maybe the rain water would wash away every thought. She opened her eyes slightly, just enough to get her her barrings and see if it would help her feel less dizzy. Lightening flashed. It illuminated the grass around her and the trees in front of her. The path she had taken was brought to life as well. And there, in the middle of that muddy dirt road, he stood looking straight at her.******************* ************************************* *****************
How did he find her? This is the thought that echoed in her mind again and again. The rain came down harder now, like huge buckets filled with water. But she saw him clearly none the less. The shape of his body. His perfect shoulders, although hunched slightly now, showed the evidence of a man who consciously made an effort to keep an eye-pleasing muscle tone. The rain drops bounced off his clean shaven head and the light of the moon, although slight through all this rain, reflected atop it. He was still in his uniform. He looked completely adaptable to this environment, almost as if he didn't notice it was raining at all. His eyes neither squinted nor blinked under the heavy deluge. He just stood there, motionless. She could see his heavy breathing though. Since he came back from...well...he always breathed that way now. She could hardly remember how he used to breath before, that seemed like a dream now. Days and nights long gone and replaced with scenarios similar to this one constantly repeating themselves. How long could she keep this up? How long until her mind and body could not do this again?
While she asked herself these questions he made a sudden movement. He took a step toward her. His movement, although deliberate, seemed to give off a cautious tone. As if he wanted her not to be frightened that he was trying to approach her. She began to make the effort to stand up, using the tree she leaned against as support she began to push against it with her back. Her feet dug deep into the muddy ground and she could feel her jeans tighten and stretch as saturated as they were. The bark of the tree was brittle and cut into her shirt to where she almost noticed tiny fragments pinching her back. But her body felt numb at this point. Gripped with anxiety, alertness, fear, adrenaline and all those other fight or flight instincts. She felt nothing at her back as she slowly rose to her feet. Her body began to shake violently. Was it the cold rain? No, the rain was not cold. She realized it was fear. For the first time since he'd come back she was actually afraid. Really and truly afraid.
He must have seen her reaction, her facial expression, something. Because as soon as he did he stopped approaching her. And his face changed too. His eyelids seemed heavy and pulled his eyes down to the floor. His body rocked a bit and his arms hung limply at his sides. For this brief moment he almost looked like the man she had once loved. Long ago. Could he still be in there? Buried somehow beneath this new person? She felt an instinct to go to him. It was a compelling irresistible urge to reach out and hold him. And just as she began to let her guard down he lunged at her, slamming her back against the tree.
With one arm he grabbed her around her waist and held her as tight as a vice. The other gripped her in the back of the neck. The tree splinters dug into her back now and she could feel them. When her body crashed against the tree it woke her from the dream she was seeming to be having and she was now alive and very present in this moment. Staring into his eyes that were filled with fire and ice. Tears filled her eyes and her voice cracked in her throat as she begged, "Please. Please, Adam."
She felt his grip loosen slightly, just enough to let her slide down the tree a bit and land both feet firmly on the ground. She hadn't realized that when he had pinned her to the tree he actually lifted her off the ground. It felt safer somehow to have both feet on the ground, a lesson she should have learned long ago. "Adam", she begged, "Adam, don't do this. It's me! Can't you see that its me? Please, you don't want to hurt me." Tears stung her eyes as she begged. Would her words get through to him? Would he hear her? His name was Adam, this was true, but the man that stood before her, hands gripping and pulling at her neck and hair and his body smashed against hers painfully could not be the same man. "Abby?", he asked weakly. His face contorted as he fought back the pain in his eyes. Her hands climbed slowly up his arms, feeling her way through the muscles that pulsated under her fingertips. She gently touched his face and he closed his eyes. "Yes, baby. Its me...Abby". Her voice was filled with pleading and worry. It astonished her how even in this moment, and after so many moments like this one she found herself worried about him! "Baby, please. You are hurting me. Let go. You're alright. I am here with you. No one is gonna hurt you. Its gonna be o.k. Its gonna be o.k." She paused for a moment. Something was beginning to change in his eyes.
They moved rapidly under their lids. His eyebrows smashed together and his lips began to tremble. "Abby?", he asked again. He tilted his face up so that the rain poured over it. He kept his eyes closed and dropped his head again, "Abby, please help me." His body began to tremble in a way it had never done before. He was crying. His eyes opened and there he was, Adam, the love of her life. All the love she had for him, all the hopes she had for them, all the moments of laughter and love they shared washed over her in that one instant. "Abby, I....", his voice trailed off. He stared at her in the hopes that she might be able to read his mind, but he knew that he had to speak, he had to say the words that he had not said since he had come back. "I love you". And with those words they both sunk down towards the ground. She was cradling him in her arms now. She had longed for this moment for 2 years since he had returned. Holding him just like this, like she used to. His body convulsed under the cries that came from deep within him. He gripped her shirt and hung on tightly. They cried together. Could this time be the turning point? She held him so close she could almost feel his heart beating when suddenly the gun shot rang out and shocked her back into reality.
Was she hit? Was this it? Had he finally done it? She looked down at him and at her chest where she had felt the shot. She was covered in blood. But it was not her own. There was too much of it for it to be the wound in her hand. She hadn't noticed or felt when he had begun to loosen his grip, he had reached down and behind his back where he hid the gun. While she held him and they cried she didn't notice that he raised the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. His eyes still open and still filled with tears stared back at her with a pleading stare. His body grew heavy in her arms and he began to lean back in her arms. "Oh my God! No! No!", she screamed. The screaming grew louder as she shouted his name over and over again.
And the rain came steadily down. Showering them from above and washing the blood and tears down into the ground. The lightening was all that was left from the thunderstorm and its flashes lit up the sky and the ground where they sat, she, still embracing him and he, lost forever from the past that haunted him.
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