I decided that I needed some inspiration. And what better way to get some then to gaze upon images that move me and inspire me? I've been adding to my collection of images things that in some way or another remind me of elemental aspects of who I am. Images that can translate who I am without so many words as I am used to saying. Perhaps these images can prove more powerful than the shouts I have been expressing? I don't know, maybe they will only mean much to me...but isn't that what this is all about anyways?
Who I've been taught to be...but am I really this person? Sometimes I wonder. Poise, education, church, obedience. These are words I know. This girl is me. Upright, standing proud and sure. But am I really? Maybe in some ways I am...
The rebel. With AND without a cause. This is me. The little girl forced into adulthood. By life, by family, by circumstance. Its never really been by choice. So there is this side, the side that just wants to be free. The side that longs not to care about what anyone thinks. I like her. In some ways she is more me than any other side. But she is just a piece.
Sometimes I feel like its just me against the world. Pushing, working, struggling. I surprise myself sometimes...with how strong I am. Don't underestimate me! When everything gets stacked up against me, I will push back. Until my arms get tired, until my legs give way, until my heart stops beating, and until I just can't fight back anymore.
You can never escape the truth though. The polar opposite of me. The one side that is so strong and then this side...small. How can someone so bold and loud be so quiet and small?
You think if I screamed loud enough someone would hear? You think if I mad enough noise all those on the "outside" would come running to see what all the commotion was about? Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one working while everyone else is out to lunch.
But don't discount me yet. I am growing. Working to move. If ever there was a moment when I felt like my mind was expanding, breathing as it were, its now. Somehow all these feelings are making my feet strong. Strong enough to leap and stand. Pretty soon....I'll be unstoppable!
I may not exactly fly like a butterfly or sting like a bee...but all the things I've been working for will one day pay off. My hands will grow strong. My reach will be farther than before. I can feel it, the change. You think that I would be worried about it...but I'm not, not in the least. All these things that make me who I am, the small of me, the large of me, the prudish of me, the rebel in me....its all me.
Once I had this dream that I was floating...endlessly. It was weird cause I never wanted to wake up. I had no idea where I was floating to or IF I was even floating towards anything. It just felt so great to drift. Drift along and let the current take me. I wish I could be that relaxed, just let the movement of the water of my life move me in a direction without my resisting it. Sun in my eyes, blinding me from looking to closely at my course, just being given to the wind. If only...
If only my mind wouldn't get in the way. Like twisting branches on trees that have grown to close, so are thoughts that dominate my psyche. What to do? Where to go? How to dress? Whom to love? How to forgive? When to move on? Round and round, up and down...I think all the time and it gets annoying. This is why I write...I HAVE to find a place to put this stuff. What's interesting is that through the twisted maze and branches there is true beauty. The beauty of thought and of passion. The fact that my mind can work in such intricate movements amazes me. How long will my mind last? Will it be forever? Will I soon forget things that have mattered so much? What will time be like to me? Will it show on my face? Will I wear it like a badge? Will the wear and tear of my life be visible in the physical?
Oh to go back to my time of youth. To go back to Barbie dolls, playing outside, laughing till your stomach hurts about farts, eating whatever you want without looking at your belly, coloring books and crayons, the ice-cream man, Nintendo, dancing in my PJ's, pretending I'm a princess locked in a tower waiting for the prince to rescue me...Just being a kid. No bills, no payments, no credit cards, no creditors, no loans, no fine-print, no schedule, no job, no responsibility. Just sitting around and enjoying life. Being a kid is a fine art that we grow out of to soon before we truly master it. Even now I resist the urge to keep growing up. I still watch cartoons. I still try to have the childlike laughter with friends. But I know its just a game, not real. The glory of youth yes its true...its wasted on the young.
But nothing lasts forever. Not my youth, not even the things I've tried to tell myself they will. There is one thing I refuse to give up hope on. Love. All its sappiness, all its commercialism, all its wonder. Its what movies are made from and what fills my dreams at night. One day I'll find it. Maybe I've already found it but I'm not seeing it with the right eyes. Love is not that simple I have found out. It does not just land in your lap. Some love takes waiting. Those who have told me that love shouldn't be hard, well, I don't think they've ever been in love before. Don't we say that anything worth having is worth fighting for? If love is so easy how do you trust it? Aren't the most beautiful things made tested by fire? I still believe...one day after all the struggle, love will not only come to me but return to me. Returning all the love I have given, and then some.
That reckless kind of love...you know the kind that fills books. Does it exist? Definitely not in the way movies talk about it. I think its much more simple than what most people believe. I think its about walking. Finding someone to walk next to you in your life. A person who really means something to you and you to them. A person who chooses to walk next to you when the weather is hot and sunny, or cold and snowing or even cloudy and raining. Someone to lift you over the puddles. But not just in that romantic flowers kind of way. Just someone who you can walk next to and not be completely annoyed by them. Someone who makes you feel like, "Oh, I can walk here for a while." I think I found that. Yeah, I like walking next to you. Even if I don't know where the hell you or I are going. Or where we'll end up. Or how long it will take us to get anywhere. You just make the puddles seem...smaller.
I could just see it. Me and my walking partner. Living together happily in the most perfect little house. These are the thoughts dreams are made of. But what would that house look like? If it looked anything like the trials we've already been on perhaps it wouldn't be as beautiful to others as it would be to me. Sometimes scars are lovely, if they tell a story. Yours does. So do mine. Yours can be seen while mine are hidden. Would God really give me the things I want? That little house. What if it was like a pop up book? On the outside not much, until you open it up and everything pops out! So would my life be...its been that way so far. On the surface it looks like nothing much at all.....prosaic even. But on the inside I am bursting. Will my little future with you be like that? Will my future have any pop? Oh happy little house...not much to look at but a treasure to me...
Till then, till that day I'm gonna enjoy this ride. I used to wonder what would happen if I ever got the nerve to go bungee jumping. I hate that falling feeling. I don't even do the roller coaster thing. But if I ever built up the nerve could I actually let myself fall over. Its like the floating idea...I seem to have issues letting go. Its so true...I hold on to things for way to long...even things that left on their own I can't seem to let go. I wonder why that is? Falling in love, falling for someone, falling into place, falling, falling, falling...so much is about surrender and letting go. just breath...and fall. I can do that...I think.
This is who I am, young, old, small, strong, afraid, daring, in love, and skeptical. Its a back and forth thing. Like an up and down thing. But its me. So very me. Make sense? I didn't think so...
