Its been a while and there is too much to say...

I must admit that I have been very careless in keeping up with my blog. 

And when that happens I end up writing this overly-long spouting of words that I find hard to read myself.

So how can I put in a few words all that has happened and is happening?

I was in the hospital.
Again
I was sick
Again
I was in horrible mind-numbing unexplainable pain
Again
And now I'm on all types of meds that have me feeling up and down and all around
Again

I looked back on a blog I wrote after one of my previous hospital stays and thought, "Damn, girl! You are always sick!"

So is this supposed to be my reality? Is this the life that has been chosen for me? Am I really supposed to accept that I just might possibly be one of "those" people who "lives" with an illness. Eww.  ILLNESS. The word provokes more nausea than what I am commonly experiencing these days.  The word by definition is:

A noun. Poor health resulting from disease of body or mind; sickness.

Appetising isn't it?  I guess I am supposed to be ok with it?  I mean lots of people have "illnesses" and do just fine! And my illness isn't contagious or life-threatening....well, it is really life-threatening but not in that "you've got cancer" kind of life-threatening way.  At least that is what I tell myself.

But I guess I am supposed to be ok with and just accept it and just do what I'm supposed to do to "stay healthy" and then somehow by some amazing stroke of luck my life will be "normal" and I will go on and everything will be good.  Isn't that right?

Well how come I don't feel like that?

Why do I feel like this is the worst thing ever and that this life I am being guaranteed sucks the biggest most unimaginable ass ever?  How come I can't live REALLY like the "normal" people out there.  I am totally channeling my inner 5 year old and having a great time throwing a tantrum about this and I have been repeating these same statements to friends and family members for a few weeks and have really received some interesting responses to it all.

I mean I get deep into my thoughts of "why me" and "this is not fair" and "why now" and "what does this mean for the rest of my life".  And watch as the people around me squirm in their chairs and spout out to me the phrases and scriptures and words of "encouragement" that I was and have been well versed and trained to do in the very same situation.  Growing up as a Christian believer...a true believer I KNOW all the right words.  But I just find it amazing when people can't just for a moment allow the thoughts of utter frustration and being upset that I am exuding just to let them come out without saying a word.

I have started to believe that somewhere along the lines of being a Christian someone tells you that when you hear a "brother" or "sister" talking "negatively" you should immediately interrupt them and throw out every scripture about positivity, healing, or encouragement, and you must name ever spirit and demon that could possibly be "destroying your mind and perverting your thoughts with this negativity."

Whatever happened to just listening?

Listening

Listening to the person speak.  Listening to their pain.  Listening to their hurt.  Listening to their questions and their fears.  Without offering one single word. Without insisting that you have an answer they must not know or they wouldn't be saying these things!  Whatever happened to just listening to someone pour their heart out?

I have poured my heart out to a few people about this "illness" and all that it brings and all that it has come to mean to me and all the fear that its presence evokes in my being that shakes me to my core.  I have shared how I feel cheated and somehow I feel like I got dealt someone else's hand because surely THIS cannot be MY reality!  I have teared up, welled-up and cried in front of some people who judged my tears as lack of faith or limiting God.

To date, there have been only two people that amazingly enough did not look at me with judgment.  And spoke not a harsh word or criticism.

One is a dear mentor in my life that without her I would not be who I am today.  Her words were like a salve on a burn.  Like honey on the lips of someone who had never tasted sweetness.  Her voice was like the aroma of fresh baked bread.  Her thoughts pierced through the thick wall of pain and uncertainty and isolation that I was and am experiencing and without one word of "you should" she taught me that in all things no matter what, there can be moments of honey and sweetness and gentle love and a identifying of two souls who have longed for something different but life just didn't go that way.  She taught me that I am not alone in my questions of "why" but that I can have goodness amidst a whirlwind of "why's".  Thank you Clara.  Right now, even though I am miles from where I was when you came and spoke to me and whispered those words in my ear I repeat them to myself and hope and pray that I can come to the place where I am ok with this.  And that I can accept that.



I am NOT THERE YET.

But if....IF.....this "illness" is to be my life-long companion I will hold Clara's sweet words in my heart that "Its not over for you Lisi". And that my life is meant for something greater and that even though all this is happening and I am living through this version of hell on earth I am not abandoned and I am not alone.  And HE did not forget me or turn his back on me or do this to hurt me.

So until I get to the point where I am ok with my "illness" GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ABOUT IT.

The second individual who spoke to me and pierced my hard and hurt heart came in the form a young flip-flop wearing cool new gadget I-phone looking too young to be a pastor, pastor. I must admit this one was a shock.  Cause really, when you think about it...if anyone is going to jump all over you with scripture about how negative you are being and how you need to rebuke this or that and wave a bible in my face and pound his fist....well, unfortunately, usually, that comes in the form of some pastor whose doing "God's Work" of reminding you what a bad christian you are because you are not holding to the word of God.

Instead I was greeted with a warm smile.  And a friendly hand shake and he sat in that dark room with me....and he listened.  He listed to my silly rants of how painful my body felt and how horrible this was and how alone I felt and how miserable this whole thing was and on and on I went telling him and I was waiting for the moment.  Just waiting for the moment when he would become "that pastor" and jump all over me with scripture that I could quote right back at him.  But he didn't.  In came that sweet aroma again.  That gentle wave of empathy.

Empathy.

Not sympathy because they are so different.

But a true empathy.  And he reminded me of a story that I have heard and read about many times.  But its relevance to my life hit me like a kick to my chest that sent shock waves through me that I still to this day feel. What's cool about this is that you know, I mean you REALLY know someone is speaking to you by God...and that those words are REALLY for you....because he probably doesn't even remember telling me this story lol.  But it was so direct.  And made so much sense. His name is Pastor Leo Acosta.


You see, Clara and Leo tapped into that very subtle and elusive part of Christianity that is real.  Its that part of being a Christian that REALLY draws people in.  Its definitely the part or character Jesus must of had or else why would he be any different than any of the other preachers out there?  Leo's story reminded me that God could use me and would do his will with my life even if my physical body could not move and could not perform in the way that I was used to it performing.

So both he and Clara with words of gentleness and clarity reminded me that this body that I feel so TRAPPED in....that I feel does not belong to me....that causes me so much drama and pain....this body CAN still work.  And will still work...in spite of myself...even if its "sleeping" or "unusable".  This "damaged" "illness-stricken" body is still worth something.

While others with whom I have spoken to have meant well.  And while they with fever and zeal have shared their heart and have tried to make me see that I am just in this funky pity party of one and to get over it, they never took the time to just LISTEN.  When we listen to someones problem, story, situation...and really hear with an open heart this amazing thing happens.  Our heart begins to beat in time with that bleeding heart with that aching soul and we become in line in some way and are able to empathize with that persons situation thus giving us clarity of thought so that our words are gentle and sweet and filled with light and truth and....

FREEDOM

I cannot lie to you and tell you that I am anywhere near the place of acceptance or freedom or clarity or whatever....but because of those two people....today....right now....feeling as crappy and alone as I feel I hear their words in my heart and it pushes me to believe that tomorrow will be better and that I am not alone.

So this blog I dedicate to two real Christians...yes, ladies and gentlemen there are still REAL Christians out there!

Thank you Clara and Leo for listening...for hearing the pain and fear involved in my head and heart and for not judging me.  But for speaking to me.  Your words will never fall to the ground....but will remain in my heart....and hopefully one day soon I will come to that place where I can say...

Now I'm free

It kinda sucks...

So I just don't know what is wrong with me lol.

I have yet to be proven wrong yet feel that I am desperate to experience someone's attempt.

I don't know.

What am I putting out there...or not putting out there for that matter that has me on such a mission?  People around me smile with joy over new things.  I sit with a confused look on my face.  Is it me? What needs to change?

I took one teeny tiny step towards change yesterday.  Well, a change for me.  I took this deep stretching aka yoga class thing yesterday.  It felt AMAZING!  I felt as if someone had blown tiny pockets of expanding air into my body.  I can't wait to try it again actually.  I am looking forward to it tonight.  Its weird because I feel like I am really releasing a bunch of crap.  Like I am just letting it go.

Maybe that's what needs to change.  Just to let go and really (ok here comes the cliche) let God take control.  Feeling my body move in that way reminds me of a time long ago when dancing was as effortless as breathing.  Its funny to see how a body that is so not used to movement and stretch differs SO very much from what once was lol.  I was amazed how much I have lost my flexibility!

But back to my original topic.  I don't know what is taking so long.  I don't know why I am still frustrated with the same damn issue.  When does it get fixed? When does it get better?  I am over it...or am I just giving up.

I surrender.....they win!

I did it!!!!!

and now I am free!!!!

I feel such a sense of release and freedom!!!!!

Thank God THAT IS OVER!!!!

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Never again...the "they's" can have that crap!  I will stick to the traditional waiting...ahhhhh...sweet patience....so welcome today

On to the idea :)

I don't know...

I am sitting here, not tired at all, trying to find something to do.

I've got some really cool jazz music playing and I am sipping some wine just to relax.  But my mind is going in so many directions.  I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions; my mind is at least.  Things I want to do.  Things I don't want to do.  Things I think about all the time.  Things I forget that suddenly jump in between the things I remember and mess me up.  Round and round my mind goes.

To many thoughts to sit down and read.  To many jumbled images to really have any meaning to this blog.  I have that feeling again.  That feeling of being alone in a room screaming and no one hears me.  Ok, truth is I know what's bothering me.  I've been thinking about it for days now and I can't seem to let it go.  I try thinking of all this other stuff to pile over this one thought so that I don't have to think it anymore.

But there it is again.  Fighting its ugly way to the forefront of my mind.  I have tried to forget that time in my life.  Have you ever tried to do that? But the more you try to forget you realize that in the effort it throws the thought right at you?  I have moved on from that place in so many ways.  But there is still a lingering, why?  I hate that after all this time I am still dealing with that stupid why.  It nags at me every chance it gets.  I try with all I can to forget that moment in time when it all came crashing down on top of me.  All the joy and all the pain.  All at once it came toppling over.  I guess what I still deal with is the feeling that it was not fair.

It wasn't fair that it happened to me.  I didn't deserve it.  I did everything "right".  But here I am in this solitary place surround by people passing me by.  Unnoticed and feeling small.  And it sucks!  And the only company, if you could call it that, is that freakin WHY.  I feel like if there was a way to go back in time and do it again, that is the one thing in my life that I would like a do-over on.  I have never regretted anything in my life.  I see it as a learning experience.  But this one thing.  Oh, how I wish it would be forever erased from my very existence.  I know many will say that it was necessary for my growth or to lead me to this place.  But I don't care.  I wish with every wish that I would have never allowed myself to be put into that place at that moment.

And now to add insult to injury.  The moving on I have so desperately sought after has found someone...else.  And in its wake left me with that damn WHY.  Sitting here, listening to the music play and sway me.  Watching my wine glass deplete itself with less and less drink I wonder.  I wonder if revenge or justice will ever really happen.  Revenge is a strong word.  But I think its appropriate.  I was the victim.  And yet the cause of that pain is now free.  And I am chained to WHY.

I wish to free myself from why's grip.  From the hand that holds me like a vice.  I wish I could.  Then I could forget the feelings from that time.  The pain.  But most importantly the joys, which left the why to torture me now.

Perhaps my mind wasn't so cluttered after all.  Maybe it just took some guts on my part to acknowledge what I know has been bothering me for so long.  When, God? When will I be proven wrong? When will all the leftovers finally finish and I don't have to sit here any longer?  When will I get some justice?  Right now it all seems so unfair. I struggle and the wicked rejoice and have plenty.  I am so tired.

I will settle for nothing, if I can just get rid of the why.

I don't know...I just want to know....why.

The Wind and his Tree

A piece of music plays...

It circles my mind round and round
Like an ice skater skillfully across the slickest ice.

Its beat drums in tune with that of my heart.
Pulsating to the sound of my soul.

Making me feel loose and relaxed
And uncharacteristically out of control.

I enjoy lazy afternoons like this filled with wonder and heat
Gazing out of my window watching the wind dance through
The trees like a seductive lover who twirls his dance partner.

The trees and wind dance together in harmony and intertwine
with one another.  Moving melodically and fluidly
across my window.  Reminding me of the sweet soft moment when two
souls come together in a magical embrace.

The wind so different from that tree.  One so powerful and strong.
Strong enough to blow away her leaves.  He moves around her
making her dizzy.  Causing her to loose sight of how powerful
he really is.  She is afraid of him, the wind.  How his body blows
right by her.  How he moves so coolly and so effortlessly.

His long arms reach around her and trap her in a cool embrace.

She likes it.

But he does not realize the hold that she also has on him.
Her strong body.  Every curve of her long and beautiful trunk.
Her body twisting and moving and swaying in his wind.  See her branches
shift and move.  The leaves, her hair, falls in beautiful tendrils down her body.

Caressing her skin and being blown swiftly and softly by him.

They dance together.

Caught up in each other.  Never knowing who began this dance nor who
will end it.  Only knowing that they are lost forever in this moment.

Two beings brought together over the expanse of time. So separate, so
different, yet working together so beautifully in harmony to music of nature.

To the beat of the drum

To the drumming of my heart

Sitting here staring out my window...

Listening to the music moving through my mind

And longing...longing to dance

My Inspiration: Mal Waldron

Nothing like the first time....

There is something to say about the "first time" you do something.

The first time you go to Disney.
The first time you meet someone who years later will be your best friend.
The first time you eat chocolate.
The first time you jump off your swing and feel like you take flight.
The first time you try something new and it is great!
The first time you hear a piece of music and is makes your heart soar!
The first time you read a great book.
The first time you take a road trip with your friends.
The first time you get your heart broken.
The first time you have an "experience" with God.
The first time you laugh so hard till your sides hurt.
The first time you look into a pair of eyes and know you'll never look into another pair quite the same.

The firsts of my life are great.  I often wonder why God opens up so many firsts for me.  You think that as you get older your opportunities to enjoy firsts are beginning to wind down.  But its weird how the older I get I am being afforded the opportunity to have so many firsts!

I wonder if what God is trying to show me is that life is only just beginning, not ending for me.  That he has so much in store for me.  There was a time in my life that I thought that some "firsts" would lead to an continuation of pleasure and experience.  But they would end and I would wonder why I was granted that "first" only to have it ripped away!  Now I see that no one can take away the experience of your first anything.  The feelings involved with that moment will forever be left with you.  You will always remember that smile and that elation...or the pain and the heartache.

But that moment opens your eyes, envelops your heart and provides the opportunity for your life to change, even in the smallest measure. I've had some great firsts.  Some WONDERFUL firsts.  Some horrible firsts. lol

Recently there have been a few firsts that have reminded me of who I really am.  They reminded me of what I have already known in my heart and have most importantly made me smile.  I am grateful to God for using others to provide such fabulous and yes, even the not so fabulous firsts in my recent life.  

I am curious now to see what new firsts I will have and what they will do to make me grow and learn.  To you my friends I say this.  Enjoy the firsts life brings.  Even the "bad" ones.  They are the firsts that open the door to changes that your life needs.  Every first can lead to greatness.  The first fight you have with a friend or in a relationship can open your eyes to who the person really is.  It can make you realize if this person is someone you should be around or not and if they are worth being around it will make your friendship or relationship that much stronger.  The first time you have the opportunity to have dinner with your spouse because the kids are asleep or being cared for by someone else is an opportunity to reconnect with the person who you first fell in love with.  The first time your hand brushes against the arm of that "special someone" can be the last arm you will ever touch because it will be the only arm you feel for the rest of your life.  The first time you have to face a challenge that you are unfamiliar with, its there to build your character and just imagine the "you" you will become when you've surpassed it! The first time you get to repeat a first you've already done!  Yea, technically it can be called a "second" but in reality it is a first because this is a new moment, a different time and you are a different person!  This first may have a completely different outcome!

So my dear ones...

Enjoy every first leap.
Enjoy every first step.
Enjoy every first hug.
Enjoy every first fight.
Enjoy every first awakening.
Enjoy every first gift exchange.
Enjoy every first smile.
Enjoy every first kiss.
Enjoy every first meal shared with a friend or a loved one.
Enjoy every first time you heard that song.
Enjoy every first trip.
Enjoy every first time you heard his laughter.
Enjoy every first time you smelled her perfume.
Enjoy everything.
Enjoy it all.
Enjoy eachother.
Enjoy the tears.
Enjoy the joy.

And embrace the wonder of what will come.

For me? On to the first time I end a blog with the words....On to the first :)

You Know Better Than I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RddBWJgvKDY

Changed my view...wow

Isn't this supposed to be fun?

I thought so...

But it is not!

It is NOT FUN AT ALL!

It is the exact opposite of fun actually.   It is the kind of experience that makes my stomach hurt and I get that sense of dread feeling.  I hate that feeling.  And I find myself asking myself, "Why do you put yourself through this?"  I still do not have an answer to this.  Wasn't this experience supposed to bring some level of enjoyment?  That's what I was told.  Who told me?

The "they's".

You know who "THEY" are don't you?  THEY are the people who say things no one can prove.  THEY are the people who say all kinds things that sound right but in the end are shown to be either false or grossly exaggerated.  So I believed the "they's" that I heard about this being a good thing to do and a good thing to try.  

But each time I have to sit and actually do it...I feel like I am losing a portion of my life LOL.  I feel like my very essence is being sucked into this vortex.  I am tired of that feeling.  Why do I have to do it?  Who says I do?  What if I just don't want to?  What will happen?  Will it really be as bad as "they" say?  It can't be worse than it is now!  I abhor myself and even get a little disgusted with myself when I have to sit here and do the one thing that brings me not one moment of pleasure.  It feels like a chore.  

So you are by now completely frustrated and want to know what is this thing that I am doing.  I imagine you are.  Well, for sheer embarrassment I will not tell you.  All I can say is that this experience has not produced one moment of "goodness" since I began it.  It feels like a chore you try to bribe your youngest sibling to do for you.  Actually I would prefer to fold 1,000 loads of laundry than to have to do this for one minute longer.  But I am stuck!  I am stuck until April 18th.  It is then that I can free myself from this hideous experience!

I wish that I never did it.  Waste of time, energy, resources and and the wasted finger movements it takes me to press the buttons required on my laptop to accomplish this "task".  I am more than just over this thing.  What is more than just being over?  I'm so over it I flew right past it, swam and ran across it and lept over it that I've past it several times on my way around it!

So my vow...as I did make this into a commitment.  Is to continue to do this thing.  This horrible wretched thing until April 18th at which time I will bury its existence and never look back!  Even now I am smiling at the thought of it.  There has GOT to be a better way than what I have been doing!

There goes that over it feeling again....

I will make this promise to myself...The next time that "they" say that I should do...well ANYTHING...I will tell "them" to go to hell.

And then I will celebrate my rejection of "they's suggestion" with a glass of wine :)

Because "they" say its good for my heart...

Damn it! THEY strike again!

Deflated

Because that is how I feel.

It's almost laughable.  I have found myself in this spot again.  I swear my biggest problem is myself!  I am way to f""king nice!  Here is what I wanted to say:

"Who in the hell do you think you are?  I am trying to be nice!  And that is how you talk to me?  Go F""k Yourself!"

That is what I really wanted to say.

But I didn't.

I spoke in the most politically correct respectful manner I could muster just so that I would not get into an argument.  After the long day I have had and what looks to be an even longer night I just didn't feel like wasting my energy and arguing.  As a matter of fact, I don't like to argue! I did manage to make my point but even that was dismissed and laughed at!  What the hell.  Is this how you normally talk to a person????  Seriously?  When a person is trying to find out if you are ok this is how you speak to them?   FML!  But I just did not have the strength to go there.  To argue it out and make this dramatic scene.  Primarily because it just isn't that big of a deal to me and secondarily because based on the previous statements I knew that this person is so caught up in their own "business" there is no room to even conceive of another persons feelings.  

This lack of argument commitment on my part created the uncomfortable environment where I found it hard to continue listening and/or talking.  Some people just don't get it.  There I was trying to be nice, trying to be cool.  I don't know.This is what I get for being that way I guess.  Once again I manage to appear in someone's existence at the wrong place and at the wrong time.  Or maybe its just that they don't feel the need to put a person's feelings on their list of "Things I should not offend". Huh, who knows.

So as the conversation was winding down all I kept hearing was the sound a balloon makes as its deflating quickly...you know...that fart sound?  PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT! I will admit that I had a minor expectation.  Perhaps a "thank you for your concern" or maybe a "Here's what happened...." But instead I get some really insensitive lashing and ASSUMING of my feelings or intentions.  To quote a long since passed 90's movie and at the risk of sounding to cliche for words....AS IF!!!!!  I guess once again I think that people are going to behave with some sense of consideration or just plain kindness.  I guess that's too much to ask for.

So I have decided to give up. I am going to let this deflated balloon stay where it landed.  I mean, what is the point?

I have learned a lesson though...or more like a very satisfying realization of myself...I am so OVER being nice and then it not being appreciated.

I will return to my assumed idea that the "world revolves around me" and digress....

LOL...ugh!

I feel so small compared to....

I don't think I have every seen or heard anything so beautiful...WOW.