1 of 1001....A Tale cont.,

My brain has received a reprieve and I am finding that now it has gotten a little better.  I have been bold and continued to read.  As I mentioned to a dear friend of mine, I stuck it out and kept reading.

To my surprise...

I get it!

It's funny how once you put down your resistance to something new and/or challenging it becomes, dare I say, easier?  So now that I accepted Mr. Dickens challenge to read his book I find that the words and sentences he has jumbled together now make sense.

I actually know what is happening and I find that its pouring out from the pages like a melody of music I can follow...even dance to. I feel that all books have what I call a "rhythm".  As the words and ideas begin to flow one only has to stick with it to find that the rhythm, although complex at first, begins to set its pace and become clear.

I'll just say that now I can follow A Tale of Two Cities with more delight since I am choosing to move to the music of its words rather than try to make sense of it with an infantile mind.  So I am proud of myself that now I can really appreciate the beauty in his writing!  How beautiful is his comparisons of dreaming or day dreaming rather.  In Chapter 3 when Mr. Lorry is seeing his duty and thoughts akin to a conversation of death and despair...so very cool.

I press on then.  What new things await me...

1...of 1001 - A Tale of Two Cities

Ok, so I recognize that Charles Dickens is one of our literary "geniuses".  I am a fully aware that his writing has set a standard on this thing we call "writing".  So then I don't feel nearly as bad that upon reading, what, the first 3 chapters of A Tale of Two Cities,  I find myself completely and utterly LOST. (insert lol's here)

I am not to proud to admit when something is over my head.  I admit that jumping into this endeavor of reading "classic" works came with the fact that I might have to delve into writings that are far and above my brains capacity to understand ONE FREAKING SENTENCE. 

But C'mon!

I had to laugh a little at myself really.  I always prided myself on being "smart". And in understanding certain things that "other" people just don't get.  I thought myself, dare I say, one of those "literary types".  Now, I am willing to down-grade myself to nothing more than an elementary school reader wallowing in self-doubt while my brain oozes out of my ears. (yet another lol moment for you).

What's most baffling is that I, yes I will admit this fully, have read this book before.  Long ago, in high school.  But upon much inspection and reflection our high school version was soooooooooooo different.  How so, you might be wondering.  Well, with that book came handouts galore explaining each and every phrase.  We had teachers who used the minds of those who actually read the book on their own without the help of another, act smart and explain these books to us.  I was always amazed at how our public school teachers "knew" so much.  (Ok, so I am not in any way knocking our teachers...many of them exist within my own family.) I say this to make the point that Charles Dickens is a freak of nature that writes in such a way that he doesn't just want you to leisurely read his stuff...oh, nooo...he wants you to sit with a dictionary and a thesaurus and investigate what the hell he is trying to say.

I, you may be pleased to read, will not relent! I will not give up! I will read this book because I do remember that I did actually like it back then! So now, with no help from anyone...no handout to lead the way....will dive into Sir Dickens (ok, that sounded weird but go with it).  I will not be conquered by my lack of literary prowess!  I will conquer, I will rise and when I get to frustrated...I will google!

So take that Charles Dickens!  I may be drowning in 3 little chapters while the rest of your book looms in its gigantic grammatical awesomeness but I will get through it!

There, I feel better...

Now on to what I have have gathered so far...in 3 measly chapters (bleh...)

So it pretty much opens with these guys standing around in the dark trying to get a stage coach (they call them that don't they?) led by horses up a hill.  It is dark and the social climate in the area (God help me I still haven't figured out - nor can I remember - if they are in France or England) is dangerous because of the many thieves and robbers and "highwaymen" in the area.  So ok, that makes sense.  They seem to be carrying mail of some importance or maybe they just call the (and this is the name I'm going to call it) "stage coach" a mail something or other.  There are also passengers on the coach, or really waiting for this coach to move. One who by what I can gather must be an integral part of the story. So the driver is trying to encourage his horses to move the heavy laden carriage up this hill when out into the darkness they hear the approaching sound of hooves, which turn out to be a messenger calling for one of the passengers...the guy who I think might be important...Mr. Jarvis Lorry. 

Now here is what I don't get...Once Mr. Lorry receives the messengers message he says, "Jerry, say that my answer was, RECALLED TO LIFE." Everyone who hears him finds this response odd and can't make heads or tails of it (join the club).  So I think that at least for now, this phrase must hold some hidden meaning that will later be explained.

I will admit that I am eager to read more.  Even if it takes me 3 to four passes over each paragraph lol.  But so be it.  I find this a worthy challenge and when I get through this book I am sure that I will feel that much smarter and be able to call myself a "pre-literary type".  Why "pre"? Because if this is what it is going to be like with the rest of these books I am just at the beginning of a very long love affair with the dictionary, the thesaurus, and with the all mighty google :)

So that's what I've got so far....not much but just wait....it will get better....or I myself will be recalled to life :)

ahhhhhh....sweet understanding....I have found you yet :)

Where everything seems possible...nothing is what it seems

I discovered, or rediscovered actually, something which I thought I lost. My love for the simpler times. When I was a kid I was enamored by fantasical stories about far off places and hidden secrets and princesses and kings. I have always been a lover of stories.

I found myself bored to tears tonight and decided to find a way out of the maze of my boredom and search for things that could fill my brain with anything other than the thought of being bored. I stumbled upon the very word that brought me to write this blog...maze...or better yet, labyrinth.

Growing up one of my most favorite movies was Labyrinth. Yes, its a silly representation of the imaginative mind of Jim Henson, but in my child mind it was poetry. I found myself lost in the story of Sarah...trapped in the Goblin Kings labyrinth. She got her self into that mess by wishing her half-brother away. So I did what most internet savy people do...I turned to youtube to see if there was a broken up version on it.

And there was.

So there must be someone else out there (or many someone else's) that fancy this type of movie genera. I was engrossed in the film. I love the simplicity and child-like innocence of the tale. Be careful what you wish for is the overt theme. And how true that statement rings for me today.

I have so many times wished for things so badly and professed them aloud, only to find myself wandering the labyrinth of my wish. Confused and seemingly alone. But just as Sarah had a host of mythical creatures to aide her in her search, I too have my own Rolodex of characters that I call upon to aide me.

But what is most notable is that they never take her OUT of the labyrinth...they just help her through it. No one says, "let me pull you out and take you to the end"...they just walk with her. So I guess the lesson is that I should stop waiting for someone to pull me out of the maze I created for myself and just walk it.

At least I have company.

The hardest thing for me to face when I go through things like this is the realization that I just don't have a map to guide me to the exact route I should take. I must face dead ends, and walking in circles, and starting over where I lost my way. But I have to keep going. I hate that part...the uncertainty of it all. What if I get to where I'm going and its not where I want to be? Sure, many a philosopher would argue that the place I land is the place I need to be, but what if the outcome of my maze is not where I'm ready to face?

Its so hard to decide. Do I keep going? Well as in most labyrinths, you have no choice! You must press on because trying to find your way back to get out from where you started would only leave you more lost than you are now! So its like the labyrinth itself propels you forward...willingly or unwillingly...but always purposefully.

I am trying to find my way to the unknown prize at the end. In my story I will not find my little brother. What will I find at the end?

Hopefully something great....oh God, please let it be great.

Rainy 2010

Its raining...

I have my windows open and I am sitting here typing away trying to forget that I just got a notice about my license being suspended.  Is this really how my new year is supposed to start?

The up side?

I got my first 3 books from the list I am starting to read from:
Little Women
A tale of Two Cities
Short Stories (which is a compilation of short stories written by famous writers)

The latter not necessarily being on the "list" but I could not resist getting it.

The other thing that is bringing me comfort is that he came to visit today.  Right now the gloomy weather has over taken him and the hum/dripping sound the rain is making on my window has lulled him to sleep.  I am sitting across from him mesmerized. From here I can hear him breathing.  It always makes me smile to myself how I notice that when he is falling asleep he has a small grin on his face.  I wonder what that is all about?

Its been a long time since we've known each other and we've been through more than most.  Right now the status of "us" is still up in the air and I am learning to be ok with just calling him "friend".  He's more than that of course.  In so many ways he's like the perfectly shaped complete opposite of me that makes more sense than anything else I know.  And in other ways I wonder why he is still in my life.  I guess you can never really know.

When he's around I feel as if the missing piece of the puzzle was found.  Like this one time I was building a puzzle with my niece.  We got all the way to the end when we discovered that there was a piece missing.  She was sad that it was not finished but I told her, "well its only one piece".  She looked at me with her 5 year old eyes like if I was crazy.  Even one so young knows that its not complete until you find the missing piece.  I surrendered and walked away, conformed with the fact that it was "nearly done".  But my little niece could not stand the thought of leaving it unfinished.

A few minutes later I heard her calling out my name in excitement and yelling, "I found it!"  When I went back to her room she was standing proudly over the finished puzzle and said, "Now its finished!" Well, that's what I feel like when he comes around. Its weird.  And there are times, I will admit, that even with him around there still seems to be something missing.  I know what it is.

But here we are.  Two people who love to be with and without each other LOL. Listening to rain.

What will this new year bring me I wonder.  How many days just like this will I have?  Its raining, my license is on a mission, and he is sleeping quietly.

hmmmmmm....guess I'll start reading my books now

Waiting...I hate it

I am trying to patiently wait for the books I ordered to arrive.  No, I am to cheap for next day so I have to wait it out.  I hate waiting for stuff like this, especially for books...makes me feel like I ordered it off the Pony Express!

But I guess it will build the anticipation. Besides, I have a butt-load of books to occupy myself with.  I bought them all on hardcover because there is nothing I HATE more than paperback.  Ugh.  The feel of that flimsy cover, and how it bends and breaks by the end of the book.  How the corners get all worn and the cover image fades and cracks.  I HATE THAT.

Gimme a nice hardcover. With its perfect binding and smooth surface.  That cracking sound it makes when you open it just right.  And the smell.  Oh, the wonderful smell of the paper and the glue.  There is nothing I like more than looking at a shelf filled with hardcover books.  All different colors and sizes.  Hmmmm....makes me happy :)

Anyway, I decided to start with the book by H.G. Wells, "The Invisible Man".  I don't know why.  It just sounds interesting.  I told myself that I would not have any rhyme or reason or order when going about reading from my list of 1001 books to read.  I would just pick one and start.  So while I wait...for what seems like eternity....for the book to get here I'll just chill out and blog or read other things.

New Years Eve is tomorrow.  Is it weird that I don't feel like this year is ready to be over?  I've never felt that way before.  And yet I am looking forward to the newness of a new year.  Hmmm...I wonder what 2010 has in store for me?

Lots of books hopefully :)

1001 Books to read....Before I die

Ok so here it is....

The thing that is going to set me apart...

LOL

Ok not really...

How many people have done this very same thing?  Taken a list of books that others have deemed a "classic" or the "best" and read through them with vigor.  How many people have taken this same idea and then written about it?  I believe we call them critics.

Well I am NOT a literary critic.  I am NOT an editor, reporter, or any other "or". I am just someone looking for a project.  A thing to do.  Something to accomplish that over dinner one night I can say, "Hey, you know I've been reading..." and have something interesting to talk about.  So I'm gonna do it.  I just went online and found an amazing list titled "1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die".

Simple.

No time limits, no pressure.  Just a list.  So I'm Going to take this list and pick from it, out of order, in no particular sequence, and read.  Read to my little hearts desire.  I just finished ordering them.  It felt kinda good.

What this project of mine is doing or will do for me, I don't know.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe I'll better my grammar.  Maybe I'll learn a thing or two.  Who knows.  But I like the idea of a project.  Something to do that I can do well.

Then, when I finish reading the book I will give my own personal....what do you call it....review?  Sure I'm a big fat nobody.  Who the hell is gonna care if I think the book is good or not?  It doesn't matter.  I will read it and give my opinion on it and then...well...then...that's that.  I will tuck the book away and add it to my collection.

So there...

That's what I'll do...

Let's see what happens :)

Movie is over...

So I watched the rest of the movie...

Quite inspirational...

And yet...

LOL...

Yep, still ordinary...

Me...that is :)

Ordinarily I am Ordinary

Actually I was forced to stop...

I was watching a movie tonight. It was actually quite pleasant. Sitting here alone in my cozy little place. Its surprisingly cold outside today and I am really getting into this "winter" weather. I bought myself something delicious to eat...though truthfully I should not have spent the money...put on my fluffy pink sweats and sat down to watch this movie and eat.

It was going rather well. Its funny how the silliest of things can warm the heart over. I think I am just beginning to get into the concept of liking the me I meet when I'm alone. She's really not that bad. I have found that now that I have all this extra quiet I can do things like read. I love to read. And really there are books out there that I should be reading and for the first time in my life I actually feel like I may just have the frame of mind to read them...interesting.

Anyways, there I was warm and cozy and watching this movie when POOF! My laptop decides that its going shut down on me....and it was really getting good too! Suddenly I had this realization. It was like this moment that jumped out and landed on my face. In this movie, the main character has a realization that she is hopelessly average and has done nothing with her life that she would deem as merited or note worthy. So she goes on this quest to master a particular field and catalog her experiences. During the course of time she discovers herself and the true meaning of blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada...

So as I sat waiting for this infernal machine to reload I realized that I am having the same crisis! I am that woman at the brink of....NOTHING. My life revolves around so much sameness that if I were to change it in the tiniest measure I may not know who the hell I am! This thought scares me to death. Is this it?

Is this all that there is? Ok, so at the risk of sounding uber philosophical and melodramatic I am realizing that something has to change here. So I decided that I would blog it out and try to figure out what I could possibly do to be less....ordinary.

That's it. I am ordinary. I mean I don't think of myself as less or anything, and yes, I do have some qualities about myself that others may think are above average. I am confident enough to say that without worry of sounding narcissistic. But I am truly average. Just filled with the mundane. When I started this blog I did so because I thought it would be cool just to write all this crap I have in my head down.

But really...I am an audience of one here. No actually according to my little "following" thing, its me and someone else. This person probably read my blog once and has never again. I guess its ok. And yes every now and then someone else...like a family member...reads it and makes a little comment to me. But I realize that this little blog is the only impression I have on the world. If I were to die tomorrow (cue the drama inspired music here lol) the only thing anyone might ever find of me is this blog.

What would it say about me? And is it enough? I don't know. I've never been a dare-devil. I've never challenged myself to anything "exciting" and mastered it. I've always just been ordinary.

So that's it. My mind spilled what it thought. This story....this story about a girl idea...well...there is not much to fill this story.

Who would want to know about someone ordinary when we all feel ordinary...whats so extraordinary about the ordinary?

Movement

In the existence of life there is movement. Movement can be created in moments of pure stillness. The movement of breath in one's body. The movement of the eye as it focuses on the face of the familiar. Blood moving through the veins, willingly, involuntarily.

I am constantly moving. My body is in constant motion. Today, as in the recent present, movement brings on an aching in my body. I crave the pedestrian movements that come from the day to day while I writhe in the agony of it. Nimble fingers gone. Fluidity of walking now replaced by short staccato fragments of movement.

How I took it for granted.

The sheer enjoyment of moving through the day without thought. Now every small detail. Every little lift, turn, gesture and blink comes with a consequence. With a price of pain.

I long for the days when movement was free. Movement was pouring out from within my center that staggered even my mind. I remember the days long gone of creativity. When my body would release from its depths a movement filled with meaning and direction. The turning and the leaping the balancing and the twirling. Those days when my body's simplest of gestures were profound speeches set to music.

Debussy...

The music that tells much of what has happend. Clair de Lune. The slowness and musical water that it starts as. Slowly moving its musical notes through my mind. Moving ever so gently, without a thought. That's how it was...so long ago.

Then climbing...energy...effort....extremities imitating the pulsating sway of the musical change. The effort my body now takes to move. Every moment made thoughtfully and carefully. Gone are the days of springing up, jumping down, and turning over with ease and carelessness. Replaced by willing and purposed movement. "Have too" movements. "Want to" gone for good.

But there is hope again. Hope as the music then slows back to its crawl. To its slow and beautiful change. Weaving in and out, up and down, filling my heart and mind with a memory of what was.

Perhaps my body will never move or dance the way it used to. Perhaps I will never see the lights of the stage in my eyes again and hear the applause or feel the emotion of the movements. I am fully willing to accept this fate.

All I ask for now....is a moment...a movement...

Without pain...without thought.

Blissful, serene, steady, graceful. Oh, the joy of pure movement.

Return to me dear friend.

And dance with me again.

Not much to say, that's all

Its been a few weeks since I sat down to write anything at all. I tend to do that. But there really hasn't been much for me to say. Just another endless tunnel of twists and turns. I'm getting so used to it doesn't really phase me as much anymore.

Someone said to me today, "You haven't written anything lately". I was like, oh yeah. But its not because I haven't wanted to. Maybe its just that so many things have gone good, gone bad, gone up and gone down that I just don't want to rehash it all. Like if putting it down cements that it all happened.

I guess I've been trying to convince myself its all been a dream that I will wake up from and things will be like they are supposed to be. Or at least how I want them to be.

Here is what I am being taught:

Shrinkage...and how to adjust to it.

Shrinkage could be good you know. Like when a person loses weight or their debts shrink. But my life seems to be shrinking. Things I would have never thought I could live without...suddenly...not so important. Shrinkage is a pain. It hurts. Its uncomfortable. Especially when you come from a place where you felt there was room and space and air. Now I just feel...shrunk.

So I am learning to live in the shrink-wrap state of my life. There is not much room in here so that's why there wasn't much to tell.

I'm shrinking.

Or better yet.

Its all shrinking around me.